AIBU? IHBU? Are we both BU?

[GigaBite]

I was wondering if PPs could read the following text conversations between XH and me and say which of us are BU? If it is me, could you say how you would handle things differently/what you would say? The exchanges are usually about contact with the DC and maintenance.

Text convo 1:
XH: What the fuck is he doing taking my daughter in to a bookies tell him he doesn't take her again ('him' is my BF)
Me: Don't know what you're talking about. Kids aren't allowed in bookies - over 18s only.
XH: DD says she was in 1
Me: Well that's impossible so she obviously wasn't.
XH: We're was she filling football coupons in then and then going home watching football to see if they won any money
Me: They were allowed to pick a few teams but they never went in a bookies, they didn't fill in football coupons, they didn't watch TV, we just told them their teams hadn't won.
XH: So you encouraging gambling now well done
Me: Oh fuck off being a sanctimonious bastard XH. No, I don't encourage gambling - they didn't know what it was, it was only a one off. You play the lottery don't you? Let them pick the numbers sometimes don't you? Fucking hypocrite! I'd be more concerned about the message your attitude to casual and excessive drinking will do to them as they grow up. Not to mention your relationships with drug and alcohol abusers.

Text convo 2:
Me: It's coming up to the end of November and you still haven't paid me any money back. You also haven't paid for the school photo. I need you to pay me back as well as your half for DD's party ASAP. When can I expect it?
five hours later
XH: I'll sort it I'm taking kids to local town lights switch on and I've booked them in to get there nails done can you make sure they dressed suitable and there hands are clean please
Me: tonight? They're not allowed nail varnish on at school so can you remove it before you bring them back in the morning.
XH: yes
next day
Me: Listen carefully XH. I specifically said to you yesterday that you would need to remove any nail varnish as the girls are not allowed to wear it to school. I don't have time in the mornings along with everything else I have to do to get them to school. You didn't listen. You also (yet again) didn't bath them and their hair is dirty and Dd2 is covered in pen. Time and time again, you are neglecting their basic needs. You are frequently late for picking them up and get here for them so late that I have to give them their evening meal - yet the fact that you have them overnight means that you reduce your child maintenance payments. Dd1 frequently returns home tired and angry which leads me to believe you are putting them to bed late. This is not working for the children. I am letting you know that this is your LAST CHANCE to prove you can look after the children properly. That means turning up on time for them, bathing them, ensuring they go to bed at a reasonable time and paying your fair share of their expenses (including paying me back the money you already owe). If you continue to neglect your responsibilities towards them you will leave no alternative but for us to reexamine your mid week contact which will probably go along with what is standard for the vast majority of other separated parents, ie. you collect them from school once a week and keep them for tea and return them home in time for a bath and bed. Additionally, I have to pay the entertainer for dd2's party on Saturday (your share is £82.50) and your half of the cost of the food, party decorations/plates/party bags/cake which will be in the region of £150 (your share £75). I expect you to pay me this by Sunday at the latest.

Text convo 3:
XH: When am I going to see the kids it's getting behond a joke now
Me: I don't know. They say they don't want to go.
Me: Also, you didn't turn up for them on Boxing Day or Tuesday. (his scheduled contact days)
XH: I couldn't I didn't have a car well there coming it's taking the piss now they won't get a choice when it goes to court why were they at your mums today you knew I was coming to pick them up
Me: Ok, because you can't go anywhere without a car? What about taxis? Actually the courts will take their views into account. I'm not sure why you're blaming me? They don't want to go so short of forcing them kicking and screaming (which i won't do to dd1 the way she is at the moment) then I don't know what you're expecting. You don't give a shit where they are the rest of the time but if you must know, I'm at work today. You know, so I can earn money to feed and clothe them since you don't feel any obligation whatsoever to help with that.
Me: You were meant to come for them at 10. You weren't here by 10 past so I took them to my mum's because I had to work. You didn't even get in touch until 10.45 so you were 45 minutes late. I have to make a plan b whenever you're meant to have them as you're so unreliable.

XH: Why couldn't you drop them at mine then on your way to work
Me: see my message above
XH: I was there at quarter past 10
XH: waiting outside for ages
Me: I messaged you at 10.11. Scroll back and have a look. You messaged at 10.40.
XH: I not arguing all the time u want to see them tomorrow what time you going to work
Me: You think I want to argue? I just want you to be a good dad and someone they are happy to visit. They deserve that but you seem more bothered about point scoring. You haven't given me a penny since May for them. That's 7 months where I've had to provide EVERYTHING for them. You don't know the half of it. You don't have to worry about half the crap I deal with yet you think you're hard done by? I will talk to them about going to yours tomorrow but every time I ask, they say they don't want to. I will let you know.
XH: You don't want to argue but you mind filling kids head slagging me off all the time
Me: Yeah, that's exactly it XH 🙄 Never mind that they are bored shitless at yours, complain to me that you don't take them anywhere, shout all the time, have insufficient clothing for them, don't brush their teeth and tell me all you do is shout, it must be because of me? When are you going to stop make my excuses whenever something in your life goes wrong? There's one common factor to all this and it's YOU.
XH: Change your getting boring now
Me: Wow, I didn't see that response coming a mile off 🙄 I tell you what's boring, having the same fucking conversation with you over and over again yet you ignoring everything I say anyway. Nothing is going to change until you accept some responsibility for the way the girls feel and stop blaming me. That's the reality whether you want to accept it or not.
XH: Just tell me what time I can pick them up in morning

Obviously these are taken completely out of context, but on the face of it, who is BU? Before I get accused of drip feeding, I will explain the context later.

You seem (understandably) to be at the end of yr tether with him.
Try to keep communication purely about arrangements for kids (&some reminders about money owed!). Strip out the emotion - it may help to sleep on it before sending.

You definitely aren't in the right. You are both argumentative, miserable point scorers.

I'm a little confused over the dates why you are talking about boxing day, But other than that I totally understand how frustrating it is to have a useless ex who doesn't do anything, You have my sympathies there although your ex sounds more interested in your kids than my kids bio dad who hasn't bothered I'm years.

How old are the children would be my first question, You talk about the having their nails done so assumed teenager and then said about him not brushing their teeth so I assumed toddler/small child.

Don't swear in any of your messages keep them short and factual.
If he gets abusive ignore him and don't engage.
I think the most important thing to thinl about here is why do your children not want to see him?
Is there any chance you could both meet up and try and talk it all out?

I'm guessing these are long passed conversations, one saying it's coming up to the end of November.
Why is this still going on? You need to stop it, for the sake of your DC and your mental health.

Convo 1: Why say you don't what what he's talking about when clearly you do. Why not just explain from the start. From what you said it was a one off and rather minor, so maybe it didn't twig at first but seems really unnecessary way to respond.

Convo 2&3 Don't do joint things in regards to money. It's not going to end well if you're paying it all out and he's got something to control you with. If you can't afford a large party then you can't afford it. If he wants to contribute then ask him to organise and entertainer, if it falls through it's not massive deal, just have some party games as a back up.
If he's not meeting their needs then it's neglect. If he's shouting and screaming at them all the time then it's abuse. Record what they say as much as possible, record late pick ups/drop offs etc etc. Pictures of them being dirty (where suitable). Get in touch with your solicitor and ask for advice. Do you need to contact someone for their input, maybe XH needs some advice from an impartial person on how he cares for the kids. If all else fails take him to court to get contact reduced.
Same with money, don't ask him for it. Use the proper channels so he has no choice in how much/when he will pay.

Otherwise you're just going to go round and round in circles.

There are dozens and dozens of texts from me calmly explaining or ignoring but sometimes I snap and the above happens. He doesn't respond to reasonable unfortunately. DC are 8 & 6.

Don't worry, I won't bore you all with more, just wondered how others would deal with this kind of stuff from an ex they have to deal with for the DC.

Can anyone say what words they would use in response to his messages?

Stop the swearing, point-scoring and bringing in other grievances for a start.

Stick to the point.

I'm amazed that you need to be told that swearing/calling each other names isn't constructive and won't help defuse the situation.

Your poor kids.

Ugh, exhausting.

If you don't want to keep having this conversation with him, then don't. It takes two to keep these exchanges going.

He's not going to change, so stop asking him to. Just deal with him as he is. Can you ask your mum to handle the handovers and keep the texting short and covering only logistics?

Appreciate it's frustrating, but as much as many of us want to, you can't change your kids' dad now. Just be thankful you're not still with him and rise above the pettiness.

Honey - exactly what I was thinking

So the mid week overnight stay,does he take them to school from his in the morning ?

You shouldn't get into text wars. Short and factual only.

Sorry OP but I think both of you need to grow up a bit. I do feel sorry for the kids though - seems both of you are more interested in point scoring. You need to not get too emotional. He's an ex - use less words.

Stop being an arse and put your kids first. Start ignoring unpleasant texts and don't rise to his crap. You are as bad as he is but you can only change your behaviour do so immediately your DC deserve better

I think that you need to remember what the goal of your texting is.
He's a dickhead and probably enjoys it when you get mad. You don't have to answer all of his points. Typing too much stuff means that he's going to forget the important stuff like how much money he owes you and you went to your mum's as you didn't childcare for work.
With regards to the bookies, give him the benefit of the doubt and explain that no under 18s allowed/it was as close to gambling as picking lottery numbers (no need to mention ex) or buying tombola tickets at the school fair.

Both of you

U both are. Your meant to be adults. Text messaging is never the best way to have awkward conversations. If things are this bad, you need mediation or get the courts involved. Stop arguing and start parenting together.

You just need to text when he is late 'I've waited and you didn't arrive so today is cancelled'. After waiting say 15 mins or so, longer if you have no plans perhaps half hour.

If he makes accusation re betting or something and it's false. Just reply "I don't know what you are talking about.".

Your texts to him seem as though you are waiting for him to fuck up so he don't get to see his children. He seems willing which is a start, but he must stick to arrangements as made. Does it really matter if kids don't bath for one day before school? A wash is fine from time to time. A little petty.

Stop the swearing, point-scoring and bringing in other grievances for a start.
And stop being patronising and PA. He's winding you up and you are winding him up. One of you needs to be an adult. Look it up in the dictionary.

Yep, I feel sorry for our DC too. There's obviously a lot to this. I've posted in the past about him and been told I should stop contact.

The problem in a nut shell:
He's abusive and will do anything and everything to control me by any means - main one via contact and maintenance.
I feel like the theoretical best position is for the DC to have a relationship with both parents.
He's not a 'good' parent and has done some very questionable things in the past but I don't know at what point I should cut contact completely. At what point is it too bad?
The DC go through phases where they're happy to go. Other times they go through periods where they refuse and I mean they will cry and plead not to be sent there.
He thinks it is me stopping them from going and will not work with me so that they'll be less reluctant.
Family members have been involved already but it didn't improve the situation.
I don't know how to deal with him at all and I never have.
I am torn between wanting to support my DC's relationship with their dad and not knowing how best to do that given his attitude and behaviour.

Wow this is a breakdown of communication and a half.

You need to clean up your approach to him. He is never going to contribute towards half the costs of the children so that's something your just going to have to get over.

If he is sending the children to school dirty ask the school to document this for future reference. You don't address it with him.

Communicate via e- Mail. No back and forth.

If your bad mouthing him in front of your children then pack it in.

If you taking your children or allowing them to be taken to the bookies or involving them in gambling. Then stop. Their father doesn't want them too and it's a reasonable request.

Why is he paying half the party costs? Did he agree this with you? You can't spend his money for him that's not your right.

If he cocks up go back to court don't play games anymore.

Time to get your game face on and grow up in your approach.

Both being unreasonable and trying to get one over on the other. You must be exhausted keeping up with it.

It reads as very sad for all involved and extremely exhausting. Neither party are right and both sound very bitter.

For your sake I think you need to stop contacting him except through solicitor/court or email. Email only to clarify arrangements not to enter into tit for tat cruel messages.

You say now that you've seen old messages month's on you see them differently, how so?

I think the context Is pretty obvious but I'm coming at it from the perspective of this man sounding Identical to my ex so I may be projecting.

OP I agree all that is incredibly childish and point scoring and I am saying this as a person who engaged in it as you have before I caught myself a grip and wiser up.

Advice to you is to entirely disengage with him. It's not working for you. It's ruling you up and getting you and the DC nowhere. If he is failing to turn up for Dc then he isn't interested, withold contact and let him get a solicitor. Do not respond to any of his messages. He will try every tactic. He will promise to turn up, he will turn nasty and start throwing up the past and insulting you and your partner. He will start threatening X,Y and Z. IGNORE IT ALL. If he wants to see his children he will sort out a solicitor and that is who you engage with. Not him. The solicitor. Agree contact terms for DC with the solicitor. Agree a method of communication for you and him through the solicitor (I advise text only so it is all in writing) and specify exactly what is and isn't to be discussed in that communication. Ignore any communication from him that isn't to do with a change in contact plans or an emergency situation for the DC. This is hard. Your instinct will be to respond when he starts to be friendly and play nice. Don't fall for it. Maintain those boundaries. I speak from experience! He will get the message eventually.

Wrt child support, go through CMS. Do not engage with him at all over the matter.

Incase I haven't been clear, your contact with him should now be over. Full stop. No excuses. You don't need to advise him of this, you don't need to tell him you are ignoring him or going to CMS. You don't needn't to tell him to get a solicitor. Cease all contact. What happens wrt contact for DC depends on him seeking it through official channels now.

At this point he can only control you from now on if you let him. Set up an email account just for his emails. Check it daily at 5pm and respond to anything. Then walk away until 5pm the next day.

If he doesn't show up on time. Wait 30 mins and then go on with your day. Email him after 30 mins and say you didn't show so the children are now doing another activity. Again you then ignore all contact attempts until 5pm.

If the children refuse to go on contact visits then take him back to court and change the contact. They are old enough to have a voice and will be independently interviewed.

The only exceptions is while the children are with him when he can contact you on your phone in an emergency- and define what an emergency is.

You can disengage I think it's best for you and him, accept you cannot change him and he won't be the dad that your children deserve. Don't initiate contact and answer his with no more than one sentence