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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU about Bridesmaid dress?

238 replies

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:28

So SIL is getting married in November and asked me to be her bridesmaid. So as not to drip feed, SIL doesn't have many friends, none that she would consider close enough to make Bridesmaids so I am her only one. She wanted me to pay for my own dress and accessories that she got to pick, okay fine. My issue came when actually trying the dress on. It was huge on me, literally drowned me and made me look incredibly frumpy so it required altercations. The dress was the only one of its kind (on sale) so we couldn't get it in another size. SIL paid for the general altercations so that it fit me around the bust but still flared out at the bottom and dragged along the floor. I asked SIL if I could pay to get it taken in around my hips so that it fitted better and looked better, she grudgingly agreed. Later that day I get a call from her telling me that me getting the dress altered the way I want is selfish as her wedding has to be a certain style and my dress will then not fit with that style if it's altered and that the day is about herself and her husband not me.

I never implied the day was about me! And now I'm doubting myself because I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Confused Was I? How in the world do I fix this!

OP posts:
Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 02/08/2017 23:05

Honestly she's just used to getting her own way. If you go against her or tell her no she gaslight's the shit out of you.

OP posts:
BlueUggs · 02/08/2017 23:08

I know you love your brother so don't want to rock the boat, but Jeeeezzzz, she sounds like a loon!!! Tell her to jog on and go to the wedding in your own stunning outfit and relax!!

Hissy · 02/08/2017 23:15

Stand up for yourself and just tell her to stop being ridiculous!

She might be used to getting her own way... but It's her wedding you're going to look stupid at

If your db was there, why not get the fucking dress out and show him what the issue is.

Your db is an idiot for considering marrying this twatess!

If a bloke I was marrying was this confrontational and idiotic with my friend/family member, I'd be rethinking the whole thing.

IHateUncleJamie · 02/08/2017 23:18

The cheek of her calling YOU bratty! Bloody hell.

If you've tried face to face with mediation, I would just phone the seamstress, tell her you paid for the dress so to please go ahead with YOUR alterations to make it fit. You're never going to get Bridezilla to see sense, so she can have all the hissy fits in the world, but taking it back to basics, you paid for the dress and you can have it altered. There's nothing she can do about it. If she sacks you as BM, just say "Yep, fine with me" and shrug.

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 02/08/2017 23:31

Hissy, he knows what she's like. He's been with her 7 years prior to the engagement. She gets on great with other family members just not me. I'm not going to be wearing the dress if it isn't altered. She doesn't accept this and has told me I can stuff being BM.

Jamie, I've arranged for the dress to be altered the way I want. So that it fits and looks a bit more stylish. Im going to get my money's worth so I can wear it to other occasions as well. Smile

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/08/2017 23:40

Like being her bm is anything other than a poison chalice!

Hissy · 02/08/2017 23:42

She's jealous of you being her boyfriend's sister/twin.

You think she's batshit now? It'll get worse when he's married the stupid woman. she will try to break the relationship you have with your db

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 02/08/2017 23:43

To be fair her and I had a rocky start when she first started dating DB. But I did think we patched that up and got on very well. I'm hoping it's a mix of wedding rabies and her just being used to getting own way.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/08/2017 23:48

Well, if she's had seven years of acting like this without either you or your brother putting her straight; that ship has definitely sailed... Hmm

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 02/08/2017 23:50

Molly, you tend not to notice her as much when she's on your 'side'. So to speak. Aside from a rough patch at the start of our relationship she hasn't given us that much trouble. We just thought that was her personality. Firy, outspoken, hotheaded etc

OP posts:
MissEliza · 02/08/2017 23:50

I'd resign as bridesmaid. You have a right to wear a dress that fits you properly ffs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2017 04:55

So she's sacked you?. Good on you for staying cool and standing your ground. Now she's got the wedding she wants and it's all on her. Have fun wearing your dress!

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2017 05:27

I wouldn't have paid for a dress and accessories that she picked out in the 1st place. All she had to do was give you colour/theme/style and you would have taken it from there and got something to suit

Since you allowed her to control you in the first place, now you're left with doubting yourself. Whats with all this asking can you get dress altered around your hips fgs? You know her character clearly, so you should have just done it. You bought the dress, not her.

Re the bit where she seems to think you're so interested in upstaging her wedding - Id have put her in her place about that. She'll get worse nearer to the wedding day too

Think about an assertiveness course for yourself in future. & don't tell anyone you're going on it, just get it done. Allowing your SIL to speak to and treat you like this is a real issue. Get your dress altered and have done with it

I was going to ask doesn't her brother your DH have anything to say ..but since I doubt he does if she gets away with control freakery towards his wife then I don't think I'll bother.. Make the best of it and try to enjoy the day

Crashbangwhatausername · 03/08/2017 05:36

Step down, this is ridiculous

Supermagicsmile · 03/08/2017 07:32

So you're no longer her bridesmaid? Sounds like you had sla lucky escape! Wear the dress to the wedding though! Wink

IHateUncleJamie · 03/08/2017 09:15

Good putcome all round then, Dovah ☺️ Well done!

She sounds massively high maintenance. Let's hope it is "just" wedding rabies, because being so demanding that you can't find and keep one bridesmaid without being a total nightmare is pretty shocking. 😳

IHateUncleJamie · 03/08/2017 09:15

Oops - OUTcome, not putcome!

Beadieeye · 03/08/2017 12:04

Good for you standing your ground and stepping down.
Although I would've been tempted to actually wear it and insist on being in all the photos looking all billowy then every time she looks at her wedding album she'll see that she was in fact, wrong and should've just 'let' you get it altered.

livefornaps · 03/08/2017 12:26

Yes, get your money's worth out of that dress, good for you!!

I think it's quite common for sisters in law to get off to a bit of a shaky start, especially when sis is close to her bro. But it's not like they got together yesterday, we're talking seven years here and any awkwardness should be long gone under the bridge.

Plus - she was the one who asked you!! So if she were still harbouring resentment (sounds like she is), to then put you in the bridal party is a bit mad.

It sounds more like she wanted to punish you - make you fork out for a dress that would make you look dreadful all day!

Maybe one day you'll all look back and laugh....?!!!

In the meantime, get something gorgeous to go to the wedding in, leave her the unenviable task of roping in some poor fool to be her BM, then on the day, kick back, relax and enjoy the stress-free champers.

Also kudos to you for actually keeping us updated, some posters come on here, get a shedload of advice, give a few brief responses then wander off into the ether and you know their course of action will not have changed one jot depending on whether they posted or not.

Hissy · 03/08/2017 12:40

Does your DB think she will mellow?

She won't. None of you have seen what she is capable of. She will ramp this crap up. She will try to get the family split and DB isolated.

Badweekjustgotworse · 03/08/2017 14:54

Result OP, sounds like you're off the hook and at least your db was there to witness the conversation so she can't put a spin on it and make you out to be something you're not.
Are you still going to the wedding as a guest... and more importantly, what are you wearing Wink

ImperialBlether · 03/08/2017 15:00

Your brother really needs to think again about marrying that lunatic.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 03/08/2017 15:01

yes I'd make sure you keep the receipt for any wedding gift...

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2017 15:10

How did your brother react to that little interlude, op? Confused. I can't believe watching that utter idiocy play out in front of you wouldn't change the way you look at someone...
Didn't he intervene at all?

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 03/08/2017 16:14

Small update. My mother came with me to see the results of the dress being taken in at the bust and insisted on paying towards restyling it, i think this is mostly because she's rather pissed at SIL for being such 'bunny boiler' in her words.Grin It is now knee length, goes in at the waist and flares out at the bottom. Akin to mermaid style just not as much if that makes sense. DM and I have had a lovely day though, we went for lunch and I had a text from SIL asking if I'd calmed down enough to rethink my actions. I told her I didn't need to calm down but I'd altered the dress accordingly so it now fits and looks decent, told her DM even chipped in. I've heard nothing back for an hour now! She'll shut her mouth once she knows my mother knows. My mum doesn't put up with her tantrums.

Molly, he always stepped in when he thought she was too much or that I wasn't getting to speak enough. But that egged her on because she thought he was defending me over her, his future wife.Confused He tries not to provoke her too much though because he hates how she sees our relationship.

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