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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is BU about Bridesmaid dress?

238 replies

DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 12:28

So SIL is getting married in November and asked me to be her bridesmaid. So as not to drip feed, SIL doesn't have many friends, none that she would consider close enough to make Bridesmaids so I am her only one. She wanted me to pay for my own dress and accessories that she got to pick, okay fine. My issue came when actually trying the dress on. It was huge on me, literally drowned me and made me look incredibly frumpy so it required altercations. The dress was the only one of its kind (on sale) so we couldn't get it in another size. SIL paid for the general altercations so that it fit me around the bust but still flared out at the bottom and dragged along the floor. I asked SIL if I could pay to get it taken in around my hips so that it fitted better and looked better, she grudgingly agreed. Later that day I get a call from her telling me that me getting the dress altered the way I want is selfish as her wedding has to be a certain style and my dress will then not fit with that style if it's altered and that the day is about herself and her husband not me.

I never implied the day was about me! And now I'm doubting myself because I don't know if I'm being selfish or not. Confused Was I? How in the world do I fix this!

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 01/08/2017 20:36

Oh you poor thing! When I got married I paid for everything for my 3 bridesmaids, so I got to choose!! The place I got my dress from made a few alterations to it, and the woman doing them said it's pretty much impossible to alter a dress successfully that's more than a size too big if it's strapless. Please don't let her walk all over you. Is this why she doesn't have close friends?

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 01/08/2017 20:41

Piffle, with her it was more when she got a new man her friends took a backseat. When she got with my bother she lost the majority of her friend circle for ditching them/not being reliable or canceling.

OP posts:
Girty999 · 01/08/2017 20:42

Get it altered and if she says anything tell her you put weight on lol x

rollonthesummer · 01/08/2017 20:48

What are you going to do then? It seems so odd that you are letting her treat you like this?!

Seenoevil · 01/08/2017 20:55

Honestly - step down and just attend the wedding as a guest, I understand it's her day but making you wear a dress that is to big so you look a mess is not on. Considering she didn't even buy the dress even is abit of a cheek! I know it was in the sale but 2-3 sizes to bigHmmI wouldn't of even bothered looking at it.

She's being a twat, even your brother thinks she's being a twat.

IHateUncleJamie · 02/08/2017 00:10

I honestly think you just need to be calm and matter of fact and say to her "Right, if you continue to refuse to let the seamstress alter my dress so that it actually fits me, then you leave me no choice but to step down as your bridesmaid.

I paid for the dress so I'm perfectly within my right to make sure it fits me properly. I'll be having it altered regardless because I will be wearing it anyway, so you let me know whether you'd still like me to be your bridesmaid."

Floggingmolly · 02/08/2017 00:14

You'd have to wonder why that conversation hasn't already been had, Jamie Confused

IHateUncleJamie · 02/08/2017 00:19

Yup Floggingmolly - take it back to basics and put the ball firmly in bridezilla's court.

TakeMe2Insanity · 02/08/2017 06:34

Gosh I'd just tell her she had made it unbearable to continue in the role and quit. Then when she wants the dress make her pay for it don't just hand it over.

Tell db that you want to enjoy wedding and be there for him however if you continue in bridesmaid role this probably won't be the case.

Genghi · 02/08/2017 06:43

Just pay to get it altered behind her back. She will never notice on the day and won't care afterwards

Elephant17 · 02/08/2017 08:32

Not everyone has bridesmaids anyway, if it's a low key wedding, I'm sure people wouldn't think it that weird. I'd probably pull out, I don't think I could handle the childishness! She's being a bit of a bully really.

Donttouchthethings · 02/08/2017 11:40

Just wondering... Is there any possibility that the dress looks OK on you? Can you try it on for a friend and get their opinion?

NoPressureNoDiamonds · 02/08/2017 18:23

I love wedding threads and hate weddings in equal measure.

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2017 18:34

I hope your brother is paying full attention to all this nonsense.

He needs to be very sure this is what he wants for the rest of his life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/08/2017 18:45

^^
Text her what Jamie said. Don't step down. Let her make the decision. She seems to like to be in control so she will hold it against you forever if you step down. Let her sack you.

p51642 · 02/08/2017 19:24

I'd tell her to shove it, tell your brother and parents how she's being I just wouldn't do it

Beadieeye · 02/08/2017 19:44

I don't understand her problem- you only want the dress to fit you properly, not change it! Maybe she doesn't know much about style and thinks it's supposed to hang loose?!
You have nothing to lose by fixing the dress and wearing it on the day, if you're thinking of standing down what the worst that can happen? That she fires you on the day, in which case you can ditch the flowers and join the rest of the guests.

Trudij123 · 02/08/2017 20:58

She sounds a delight. Do you like the dress? If so just get it done and go to the wedding as your brothers family - I'm not sure I'd even be giving her notice, she's made it clear that if you change it you aren't going to be her bridesmaid - id just be turning up at the church and grabbing a pew with family ( but I can be a total cow if I want and she's brought this on herself!)

She doesn't deserve you - and definitely not your brother !!

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 02/08/2017 21:26

Does your brother still want to marry her? She sounds like a high maintenance lunatic.

Quit as bridesmaid and don't engage with her anymore. Her belief that she owns the dress that you bought just because it was for her wedding is literally bizarre. You can't reason with someone like that.

Cheesecakefan · 02/08/2017 22:37

It does sound like she is BU. But as she will be your twin's wife and probably the mother of your nieces/nephews, it would be best to get on with her if at all possible. Family rifts are awful. Could you just get it shortened so you don't fall over, but put up with the lower half being too big? It is only for one day.

Hope you work something out.

Floggingmolly · 02/08/2017 22:42

Why does op have to knuckle under to her craziness in the interests of "getting on"? Op will probably be the mother of her nieces and nephews too, in time.

Cheesecakefan · 02/08/2017 22:42

(Especially as PPs who know about sewing have said it couldn't be made to fit, or not without costing too much.)

Cheesecakefan · 02/08/2017 22:49

She doesn't have to, but in this case it might be the best thing to do. She'd be showing more sense and consideration than her SIL in avoiding a rift. She could keep contact with her SIL down afterwards if she wanted.

Original poster
DovahJunFeyn · 02/08/2017 22:55

Molly, I've actually said to her in our second conversation on the phone. I told her I paid for it and should have the right to at least make it look presentable. That was deemed bratty and me wanting to 'hjack' her.

I'm not rolling over or simply accepting her behaviour because I'm a dress doormat. She's my brother's wife to be. He's my twin and we've always been quite close. I don't want to make things shit or hard for him, more so than it already is since he's getting an ear full for being on 'my' side.

Btw had a very long day. SIL came over for coffee with DB as a mediator. Nothing was sorted.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/08/2017 22:57

She sounds totally mad...