Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"family holiday"

166 replies

Bikingwidow · 01/08/2017 07:16

Hi, I am after some opinions on whether I am being unreasonable to expect our annual family holiday to be mainly about spending time with the family ?
My husband is an obsessive road biker ( he wouldn't agree with this though and sees it as a harmless hobby) who goes out most weekends on his bike and has done a number of long distance road races , some local, some requiring a weekend away. I am fairly fine with this (most of the time) although the obsession is gaining momentum.

At his suggestion, we have booked a summer holiday in the mountains in Austria and we discussed the walking and mountain biking we can do together as a family. We are driving so have bought a bike rack for the top of the car etc.. all fine. Except now he is saying that we aren't going to be able to take the mountain bikes as he is taking his Road bike and is planning a number of lengthy solo bike rides for himself . He says we can hire bikes there ( true) but he has done lots of research into his Road bike routes and has not come up with any suggestions for what we can do together as a family. I am now thinking I am going to be spending my holiday finding things for me and the kids to do while he is off all day.

The question is, am I being unfair , he does work hard and deserves to enjoy his holiday , but I believe a family holiday should be mostly about family time particularly since he is often away during the week and spends quite a proportion of each weekend on his bike?

Thank you

OP posts:
chips4teaplease · 01/08/2017 07:18

No, you're not being unfair. It's not a family holiday, it's you and the kids tagging along and hanging around while he has the man-holiday he wants for himself. I suggest you take the children where you and they want to go. He doesn't want to spend time with you.

roundaboutshuh · 01/08/2017 07:21

Yup sounds like he's confusing family holiday with his personal biking holiday...!

Talk to him calmly about doing something else that is a true holiday for all of you?

If it's too late to change to it, maybe you can spend the equivalent time sightseeing or whatever, and the spend the bulk of the holiday doing things together.

Damia · 01/08/2017 07:22

Yanbu if he can't see your point of view I would find a spa or something solely for you up there and download it and start raving on about how you're going to be going there alone while he takes the kids and how nice it will be not having to be around him. Maybe the message will get through then.

DressedCrab · 01/08/2017 07:24

He's a selfish prick. Common among cycling husbands, sadly.

drivingmisspotty · 01/08/2017 07:24

That's a bit harsh I think, I am sure he does want to spend time with you. But he loves road biking and has the opportunity to do some fab rides while there. It's a bit irresistible!

How long are you there for? You should discuss expectations with him. Personally I think it would be fair for him to have one day a week for road biking. And maybe to make it his responsibility to research family mountain bike rides too. Also, you should have a day to yourself if you want or a day where you choose something you want to do as a family each week.

I think all about the expectations and compromise before you go to avoid resentment on holiday.

Twooter · 01/08/2017 07:25

Can he get up early so he's back by 10-11? If he left at 7 he could do a decent ride while you have a leisurely breakfast. However he must agree not to moan that he is too tired to do what the rest of you want to do.

user1471468912 · 01/08/2017 07:25

Replace road bike with mountain bike, Austria with the pyrenees, and you've described our upcoming 'family' holiday, right down to the sudden reluctance to take any bikes other than his...

I share the same concerns as you. And no, it's not fair. Yanbu.

Creampastry · 01/08/2017 07:25

As dressedcrab said, he's a selfish prick. Tell him you are going to book several spa days whilst there and he will be having kids....

Mothervulva · 01/08/2017 07:27

Be a big nope from me I'm afraid. So you all travel to Austria then he fucks off on his bike? Not much fun for you and the kids. How about he leaves the motorbike and you all hang out together.

Groupie123 · 01/08/2017 07:27

Yanbu. He sounds really selfish.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 01/08/2017 07:29

Yes he sounds very selfish. You need to put your foot down with him. It's fine for him to have his interest but there has to be some balance.

WheresLarry · 01/08/2017 07:30

He may work hard but that doesn't give him a right to his own personal biking holiday with family in tow, sounds like you would just be doing the same daily grind in a different country!

I work hard, DW works hard. Holidays here are used to cover school holidays and family time. I don't understand some people, I look forward to 1-2 weeks off in summer spending it with the kids and DW, making the most of time together. Different strokes I suppose.

YANBU.

Bumpsadaisie · 01/08/2017 07:30

My DH loved cycling. But if he's doing a "big" ride he keeps it to one day per week of the holiday. He also gets up early and starts it. And he also looks at routes where his ride can be combined in some way with something for me and the dc's. E.g. We might join him at the end for the easy ride along the valley or even just meet him at a cafe.

Mothervulva · 01/08/2017 07:32

Sorry realise you mean bike, not motorbike.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 01/08/2017 07:32

Put your foot down. He's being a selfish prick.

hotdog74 · 01/08/2017 07:33

I am married to a road cyclist. He has become a bit confused. You need to tell him that this trip is your family holiday. If he wishes to do several long solo cycle rides then he needs to negotiate with you a lads cycling trip (my husbands last one was for his 40th birthday year) will maybe get another at 45 or 50.
As a compromise (assuming a 2 week holiday) I would probably let him have one day as a long ride of the 6 hours variety and another 2 days as shorter rides but only if he gets up early to be back by noon.
Then explain again the difference between family holiday and cycling trip. For your information in the future - road cyclists will never go to Mountainous areas without the bike except in the snow, so in future take control and don't accept any "lakes and mountains" destination for the family holiday unless you are prepared for him to take the bike ;-)

SolomanDaisy · 01/08/2017 07:33

If you can all hire bikes when you're there, so can he. What is it about cycling that makes men think it gets them out of parenting? My DH used to do a lot of cycling but he really reduced it when we had kids as he realised it was too time consuming.

Did he pick the location? I bet he did and it's perfect for his cycling without much for you and the kids to do.

xyzandabc · 01/08/2017 07:34

Take the mountain bikes, he can hire a road bike for 1 day.
I'm fully aware how a hired bike won't be the same set up as his own, gear ratios etc but that's the compromise to ensure he doesn't spend half the holiday just doing his stuff. And you don't spend half the holiday waiting for him to finish riding. As no doubt some routes would require him to take the car to get to the start etc leaving you and. Kids stranded with no transport.
Also cheaper to hire 1 bike than a families worth of bikes surely.

Newtothis2017 · 01/08/2017 07:34

I think misspottys suggestion is good. He should get up early one day and be home by early afternoon. You should also get some time to go do something you want without the family. Hope you have a wonderful holiday

OldGuard · 01/08/2017 07:34

Ah .... so you are a bike widow too ...

What works for us:

  1. As pp said - up at 6 am and back by late morning - allows for lunch and afternoon together
  1. Choosing a spot where there is a bunch of stuff the rest of us actually want to do so I don't feel like I'm on a vacation alone with my children
  1. Sending him off for a week first and then meeting him there so he's "got it out of his system"
  1. Me remembering that he's a grumpy bugger when he doesn't ride very much and his addiction to his "hobby" is probably the reason our marriage is remotely successful
SoupDragon · 01/08/2017 07:35

XH was like that with golf.

newmumwithquestions · 01/08/2017 07:37

YANBU.
Also I'd imagine it's not just the ride time but the obsessing about planning his ride on his own, not giving any time to planning family time. I'd say one day of doing his own ride is ok, more is taking the p*ss. Family bikes take priority to transport.
Or if you can afford it stipulate that the whole holiday is family time, but he can have a separate trip (week/long weekend?) cycling somewhere.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2017 07:39

Someone I know is married to a road biker. Her dh goes on a 3 day/night bike ride every year with a group of people. She doesn't have children and is the accompanying driver. They pick different locations and do it for charity. Could your dh do something like that? Perhaps not every year if finances don't allow. He needs to find more balance in general tbh. It seems to be taking over his life and he needs to find a better way of splitting his time from family time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/08/2017 07:41

I forgot to say, if you can cancel the hotel, I'd be changing it for anything else possible and in a closer location. There must be a hotel or campsite available in a nicer location perhaps with a kids club to give you a break. And if he doesn't want to go with you, tough, it looks like he's slowly checking out of his responsibilities.

user1497480444 · 01/08/2017 07:43

holidays are about give and take. tell him you want to be sure of his undivided attention for a certain amount of the time, and ask if you can plan ahead how many days he can cycle alone, and how many days he spends with you. And on the days without him, plan some thing great for you and the kids.

Swipe left for the next trending thread