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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"family holiday"

166 replies

Bikingwidow · 01/08/2017 07:16

Hi, I am after some opinions on whether I am being unreasonable to expect our annual family holiday to be mainly about spending time with the family ?
My husband is an obsessive road biker ( he wouldn't agree with this though and sees it as a harmless hobby) who goes out most weekends on his bike and has done a number of long distance road races , some local, some requiring a weekend away. I am fairly fine with this (most of the time) although the obsession is gaining momentum.

At his suggestion, we have booked a summer holiday in the mountains in Austria and we discussed the walking and mountain biking we can do together as a family. We are driving so have bought a bike rack for the top of the car etc.. all fine. Except now he is saying that we aren't going to be able to take the mountain bikes as he is taking his Road bike and is planning a number of lengthy solo bike rides for himself . He says we can hire bikes there ( true) but he has done lots of research into his Road bike routes and has not come up with any suggestions for what we can do together as a family. I am now thinking I am going to be spending my holiday finding things for me and the kids to do while he is off all day.

The question is, am I being unfair , he does work hard and deserves to enjoy his holiday , but I believe a family holiday should be mostly about family time particularly since he is often away during the week and spends quite a proportion of each weekend on his bike?

Thank you

OP posts:
Treesinbloom · 01/08/2017 07:47

Our friend is like this. His holiday is always about what he wants to do and his DW and DC have to adapt around it.

DH and I sometimes stay over with them in their holiday cottage and are always Shock that he gets up, checks the wind and then announces that he's off kite surfing. And everyone else has to find something else to do whilst we wait for him to finish...

But he's always been selfish and has not let having DC interrupt his numerous sports.

YANBU - I would not be happy with that. DH likes running and will do that on holiday, but never to the detriment of me and DC. In fact, it's his running that has to fit round our plans.

MaisyPops · 01/08/2017 07:49

It's not unreasonable for him to want to take his road bike with him if the holiday destination means there's going to be the chance of a great ride that you don't get in the UK. I think the idea of 'we are on family holiday therefore all time is family time' the odd cousin of 'time outside of work is family time so any time spent on a hobby is selfish'.

BUT he is being massively unreasonable to say 'we can't take mountain bikes because I'm taking mine and I'm doing lots of long solo rides'. It is a family holiday, not a personal cycling trip.

You both need to plan out what's going to be family time, when he can fit a ride in and when you can have some quiet time to yourself.

Alittlepotofrosie · 01/08/2017 07:56

I would just tell him it's not happening. Mountain biking is still cycling.

Penny4UrThoughts · 01/08/2017 07:58

He's being a dick.

We weren't rich when I was a child, and only had one holiday away from home until I was 14.

My memories of that holiday are of going from antique shop to antique shop, sore feet and bored shitless. Aged 9.

Your kids will remember the holiday when dad didn't want anything to do with them.

Funny thing is, now I have my own children, and we've gone on holiday and done loads with the kids, my mum, during a conversation about an upcoming holiday said she feels guilty that that holiday was all about them. I had never brought up with her how shit it was.

So it's not something she forgot either.

TheWitchAndTrevor · 01/08/2017 07:59

So who has the kids on weekends? Do you get to have a hobby too?

I agree he sounds like a selfish prick.

Original poster
Bikingwidow · 01/08/2017 07:59

Thank you for all the replies. It's nice to have some perspective . I think I am feeling a little hurt that he wants to spend time away from us as he does take quite a lot of of his spare time to follow his hobbies and he does go away a couple of lads weekends a year biking ( and golfing) as it is. I am going to take the advice given and chat with him this eve about how much time he is thinking about spending on his bike and options for the rest of us while he is away. I certainly agree that it would seem unreasonable for him to not go on a bike ride at all. Thanks again .

OP posts:
wordy17 · 01/08/2017 08:00

What about letting it go for this year, but planning a holiday with a friend and her children for next year without him?
I think he is being selfish but I can't see that he is ever going to budge very much.

BarbaraofSeville · 01/08/2017 08:00

YANBU. Suggest a compromise.

You take the mountain bikes and he is allowed to hire a road bike to do one or two morning road rides. He will winge about the hired road bike not being like his own, but if it is reasonable to hire mountain bikes, it is the same for a road bike, yes? He could always take his own pedals, saddle and tools to change these for his own.

You are also allowed 1 or 2 half days to do something you want to do on your own should you wish to. If he doesn't agree to that, he has to do his own road riding holiday separately and pay for it himself and you get the equivalent holiday to do what you want to do.

paddlenorapaddle · 01/08/2017 08:01

Sod that road bike is off the car time for him to compromise the mountain bikes go even if you have to do it yourself at the last minute the selfish man x

MaisyPops · 01/08/2017 08:03

But there's a difference between him doing nothing with them and him having 1/2 rides (length depending e.g. one long one or 2 shorter ones).

He is being unreasonable by planning lots of rides.
But equally, the amount of people on here saying 'I'd be putting my foot down. He can't do any' feels equally unreasonable and reads as 'well if I can't take my hobby with me then just tit for tat means you can't either'.

Compromise is needed on both sides where both partners get a little time to do something they want whilst the other has the kids. (Though I have a feeling that some replies will be martyr ones of 'but I don't want alone time. I only want family time and because of that you shouldn't get any time to do something you enjoy whilst we are already out here')

DesperatelySeekingSushi · 01/08/2017 08:04

I liked old guard's list. I am neither a biker nor a golf widow but with three kids of different ages I have forgotten what a "family" holiday looks like. DH takes teen to do stuff whilst I do littlies and we try and all eat together, otherwise it's world war 3. Hope you find a compromise x

AddictedtoSnickers · 01/08/2017 08:16

Don't agree to a family holiday in a desirable road biking spot next time OP! YANBU at all. My DH does the opposite when we go away - constantly offering to take the children off on adventures and badgering me to take a little time to myself. He knows how little time I have to relax on my own and tries to redress the balance when he can.

itsgoodtobehome · 01/08/2017 08:16

This sounds just like my dh! We have had many a holiday row about him going off on solo bike rides for hours on end whilst I'm left to entertain ds.

We have now learned how to compromise. If he wants to ride, he has to get up at the crack of dawn, and be back by 10/11. He then has to make the plan about what we will do for the rest of the day. He will also then take ds off for a little walk late afternoon while I sit and read my book and have a glass of wine.

It took a while for us to get there, but I'm ok with this now. The first holiday we had when ds was just 3 months old was an absolute nightmare. Dh just thought he was on his usual holiday (lots of cycling) and I was left literally holding the baby. He was told in no uncertain terms that this wasn't happening again!!!

Oriunda · 01/08/2017 08:19

Not quite the same, but I'm a golf widow. Husband plays both days on weekend. On the Sat he gets up after 6am and is back by 11/1130am. I'm ok with that as we like to loaf around in the morning. Sundays he plays a bit later as I take DS to church but will - if I instruct him - play earlier if there's something we're doing as a family.

On any family holidays, he gets 1 or 2 days max to play golf but has to spend the rest of time with us. In your case I'd insist he gets up early for his bike rides, and maybe give him one day for a ride - but plan the itinerary so that you can meet him for lunch somewhere. The rest of the time he should be spending with you.

coddiwomple · 01/08/2017 08:22

I would go for 50/50, as it sounds your children are old enough to be a little independent, and not toddler that you have to supervise every single second in a stranger' house.

If you go for a week, it would be fair to have 2 or 3 days on his bike, and the rest for his family. Could be a full day, or mornings, or afternoons, it depends what works better for you.

In my family, the hobby-addict takes a few long weekends in the year. Family holidays are booked for the family, in a location convenient for us. If hobby can follow, great, if not (because we are flying for example), then it's kept for another time, and there are other things to do.

In your case, I would drive with the kids and mountain bikes, and DH would follow on his bike. Works for us.

elevenclips · 01/08/2017 08:27

Selfish turd.
Me and my kids see less than we would like to of my dh due to long working hours. But on our one week family holiday per year, we see him 24/7.

TheWeeWitch · 01/08/2017 08:29

You've already had great advice here. Just commenting to say that my OH is like this with golf. He's been angling for a "family holiday" at a golf resort for over a year now and I just know that if I agree we'll end up in your situation. You've reaffirmed my reasons for resisting the idea!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 01/08/2017 08:46

Personally, I'd flog his bike on Ebay ...

Having said that I'd suggest a compromise is that everyone brings a mountain bike and you do stuff together (he leaves his other bike at home).

I'd be talking to him about making time for you to do your things too (while he looked after his kids).

He sounds like a selfish prick.

Oriunda · 01/08/2017 08:47

WeeWitch, the great thing about golfing holidays is that the resorts nearly always have great spas and activities for kids, plus are usually in beautiful locations. Especially in the US. We went to Florida a couple of years ago. Took DS to Universal then had time out at a beach resort. DH took 2 days out to play golf but we were fine loafing around on the beach. As long as you get him to limit his golf to max 2 days, you can still have a family holiday. Once DH was back with us, I took myself off for a spa visit.

Tentomidnight · 01/08/2017 08:50

Do tou feel able to stand up to him? I'd be angry as he's played a blinder here - the holiday has ALWAYS been about his cycling since he suggested this location to you. He just didn't mention it to you until later. He's done loads of route planning and is now going back on the family mountain biking plan (there is no room for all your bikes because of his special road bike?). You've been had, and if you don't sit down now and compromise and agree exactly what is going to happen when on the holiday, then not only will you have a non-family holiday this time, but your DH will think that his selfishness is fine in future.
Sorry, I am fuming on your behalf Angry

Tentomidnight · 01/08/2017 08:52

*you

KathyBeale · 01/08/2017 09:01

I think the mistake you made was planning a trip to the mountains! My husband loves cycling but he goes off on his own most years to cycle with friends in France. This year he didn't go but he has planned a ride on our family holiday to the Algarve. He's going to hire a bike and he's planned a route and I don't mind at all because it's just one day or possibly two - no more than that. We don't spend all our time together on holiday but actually he often takes the kids off fishing or whatever and it's me who has time alone.

I think you need to tell him you're disappointed and discuss it reasonably. It's not outrageous that he wants to do some cycling while you're away but it's equally reasonable that you and the kids want to spend time with him too. And surely cheaper to hire one road bike than however many mountain bikes you all need?!

flownthecoopkiwi · 01/08/2017 09:03

he gets one day to himself for cycling, you get one day to yourself as well. And take it. Go off and do something nice for you, don't be a martyr.

Fairenuff · 01/08/2017 09:04

The problem is that you have allowed this to build up in your relationship where it's got to the point that it's impacting on your relationship. I think you should have nipped it in the bud a long time ago. Now you just have the situation where he does what he wants and you are the default child minder.

This needs to change. Talking about the holiday is a good start. Maybe you should agree that whatever 'me' time he has, you have the equal amount whilst he entertains the children. The rest of the time is spent together as a family. See what he thinks about that?

AnnabelleLecter · 01/08/2017 09:16

Yanbu and he is being selfish.
I know a family whose dad planned every single of their holidays around his fishing hobby. The DC would come back from holiday every time saying how boring it was.
I would start from scratch and sit down with him and actually plan a real family holiday, which should include activities that everyone wants to do.
It sounds like you all need a break from his hobby/obsession.