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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"family holiday"

166 replies

Bikingwidow · 01/08/2017 07:16

Hi, I am after some opinions on whether I am being unreasonable to expect our annual family holiday to be mainly about spending time with the family ?
My husband is an obsessive road biker ( he wouldn't agree with this though and sees it as a harmless hobby) who goes out most weekends on his bike and has done a number of long distance road races , some local, some requiring a weekend away. I am fairly fine with this (most of the time) although the obsession is gaining momentum.

At his suggestion, we have booked a summer holiday in the mountains in Austria and we discussed the walking and mountain biking we can do together as a family. We are driving so have bought a bike rack for the top of the car etc.. all fine. Except now he is saying that we aren't going to be able to take the mountain bikes as he is taking his Road bike and is planning a number of lengthy solo bike rides for himself . He says we can hire bikes there ( true) but he has done lots of research into his Road bike routes and has not come up with any suggestions for what we can do together as a family. I am now thinking I am going to be spending my holiday finding things for me and the kids to do while he is off all day.

The question is, am I being unfair , he does work hard and deserves to enjoy his holiday , but I believe a family holiday should be mostly about family time particularly since he is often away during the week and spends quite a proportion of each weekend on his bike?

Thank you

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 02/08/2017 12:14

I don't think OP will be back. This isn't what she wanted to hear.

5foot5 · 02/08/2017 12:21

I think there has been a serious misunderstanding between the two of you.

You thought this was a "family holiday" and have set your expectations accordingly.

In your DH's mind I don't suppose it was ever any such thing. To him it is basically another chance to cycle with his mates but in a moment of weakness he agreed to let the wife and kids tag along. He is now annoyed because he feels that this compromise might impinge on his freedom to do exactly what he likes.

Sad to say it sounds like wife and family are not much of a priority to your DH. They certainly don't rank as highly to him as having a good time and indulging his own hobbies. "What's that? The wife and kids might want to have a good time on holiday as well. Pfft! What as that got to do with me?"

Beebee7 · 02/08/2017 12:25

I agree with @dressedcrab it is common for men who have a hobby they are obsessed with (be it motorbiking, cars, cycling, keep fit, running, golf, footie, whatever,) to put that hobby over and above everything else, including his family.

As was discussed on another thread a few days ago, when men get married and have a child/children, many of them expect to (and do!) carry on with their lives as normal. As far as they're concerned, they go to work to bring the money in, and the wife/mother of his children does everything else.

Many men are largely quite selfish sadly, and it's rare than they will change.

Not sure what advice to give tbh. You can't change him (probably.) I am guessing you knew what he was like when you married him? Did you think or hope he might change? They rarely do.

You have my sympathy, truly.

Beebee7 · 02/08/2017 12:26

Sorry, I would like to change 'many men are quite selfish' to 'SOME men are quite selfish.' 'Many' suggests 'most' and it's not most, it is just 'some...'

Msqueen33 · 02/08/2017 12:29

OP your user name says it all. As PP says some men are utter selfish gits and they think because they earn the money their life shouldn't be changed by their children and the wife should deal solely with them!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/08/2017 12:43

Nah they get more selfish as they get older. They are normally pretty charming when they are trying to win you round in the first place.

Mine is on the whole pretty lovely, but the older he gets, definitely the more regularly he needs to be reminded not to be selfish. Fortunately the kids are old enough to chip in too. We also rib him about past selfish behaviour just to keep him on his toes.

We recently went for a weekend away, just the two of us, and DH put some pictures on our family whatsapp about his lovely morning spent running and in bike museum. Cue a message from each of our four kids questioning whether I had actually gone away with him.

He suggested visiting a lovely garden and a dream tea for the afternoon without any prompting from me.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/08/2017 12:44

Cream tea Grin

5foot5 · 02/08/2017 13:04

A cream tea is a dream tea!

Bumpsadaisie · 02/08/2017 13:41

Now I've heard about the "friend" and taking the friends bike meaning that none of the rest of the family can take their MTBs, I am cooling towards him rapidly.

Its one thing for the DH to go off on a couple of rides on a 2 week holiday and spend the rest of the time with the family.

Its another to arrange for a mate to be around!

WaxOnFeckOff · 02/08/2017 13:51

I don't think that he shouldn't get to spend some time doing what he enjoys on holiday but the focus should be on the family time. DH is a hill walker and on a similar holiday would definitely have his sights on doing some hills atht DC and I wouldn't want to. His normal solution is same as PPs have suggested, he gets up and goes at the crack of dawn (or more likely in the dark) and makes sure he is back for lunch. he'll do this once or maybe twice on a 2 week holiday.

In general we both prioritise the holiday that our DC would enjoy rather than what he or I would chose. DC are older teens now so for the first time we are going to decide what we want to do next year and they will be welcome to come along (at our expense) if they'd like to.

There is a finite amount of family holidays that you can have before DC are all grown up.

rookiemere · 02/08/2017 18:21

Sorry OP but he sounds not very good at all. DH can be quite selfish about his hobby time but he wouldn't attempt this. Its clear by offering to take this blokes bike what your Hs priorities are.

I'd tell him unless the family bikes go the you're not going. See how his buddy cycling holiday goes when he has to look after the DCs 24/7 instead of when he deigns to spend time with the family

If he refuses to budge the the falback is the he prearranges bikes for the family and sorts out the hire.

Then you tel him what level of cycling would be acceptable. No point in asking or discussing he has already shown his true colours. Tell him that you will not be around for an equal amount of time so don't give him too much - I'd say one day and one morning is more than fair.

I'd also tell him that you don't expect him to be meeting up with his buddy outside of this. No tagging along for dinner or meeting him for drinks In the evening.

FFS I'm so angry on your behalf, why do some men not seem to want to spend time with their own families.

Next time book a cruise so his only opportunity for cycling will be the spin class.

MyGastIsFlabbered · 03/08/2017 08:24

I'm gobsmacked

Hippywannabe · 03/08/2017 09:35

The reality is that this is a holiday for him and his friend and you and the dc are tagging along.
How on earth can he justify you having to spend money to hire a bike because he is taking his friend's?
If you are brave enough, OP, I really would show him this thread. He has checked out of the family mentally, I would be thinking carefully now about your long term plans.

Tentomidnight · 03/08/2017 09:38

Ok, this last part about him taking his mate's bike has tipped this o er into farcical.
If this is real, and you accept your DH's behaviour and attitude, you may as well accept that he sees you as no more than (unpaid) childcare, not his partner Shock

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2017 09:44

You are posting in a sad resigned way saying that he doesn't see family time in the same way as you. I would be extremely cross and incredulous that a) he's invited his mate on a family holiday (who does that?!) and b) you are transporting said friend's bike at the expense of your own family bikes!

This would be a total deal breaker for me. There would be no, 'DH says the plan has changed'. The minute he mentioned it, I would have picked him up on it-'Excuse me, what did you just say?!' Etc

thatdearoctopus · 03/08/2017 09:49

"The plan has changed" as if it was nothing to do with him!

Why on earth would the friend be coming along on someone else's family holiday just for a couple of day's cycling? It's clear that they have planned to cycle for the vast bulk of it.

OP, have you decided what you're going to do about this? I'm wondering, as you've not posted for a while, if he's been successful in shutting you up by getting angry when you queried things.

Roomster101 · 03/08/2017 09:50

There is no way I would agree to transporting his friends pack instead of family bikes. It is unbelievable that he thinks this is okay!! It is just not normal to accept something like this and you are being really walked over.

Roomster101 · 03/08/2017 09:51

pack bike

BewareOfDragons · 03/08/2017 10:02

Wow. What a selfish asshole you've married.

Man holiday, with friend, forced to make room in the car for his wife and children who think this is supposed to be a Family Holiday. Oh, and they don't even get to take their bikes now because Man and Man Friend are selfishly hogging the room for their Man Holiday.
But at least in his mind you'll be stuck entertaining, shopping for and feeding them while he's out playing with his friend, and he will claim to be too tired to do anything with them when he's not cycling or that he has to hang out with his friend who travelled all this way to be with him....

Fuck that! You need to show him this thread. He is being a selfish jackass who has forgotten what it means to be part of a family and do his share as a parent to spend time with his children and 'be there'.

Columbine1 · 03/08/2017 10:07

Clearly the DH is being very unreasonable & the OP hoping that he would devote more time to family while on holiday suggests he doesn't spend much down time with them the rest of the year :( My best friends partner is a cyclist but he never does this on holiday together- they might hire bikes one or two days

I always a bit shocked at the stridency of much MN 'advice': this is OPs family/life. Much as he sounds difficult & unappealing, she has to decide what level of upheaval & upset she can live with.

Austria does not sound like an ideal holiday for kids - walking, biking, sightseeing? Maybe OP & kids could go somewhere else for a few days (eg fly to Italy/beach?) while OH & friend are cycling

CoraPirbright · 03/08/2017 10:29

Goodness OP, I dont really know where to start. Before you mentioned that your kids love mountain biking, I was going to suggest that you sack the whole thing off and go and do something, just you and the kids, that you really enjoy. This isnt a family holiday in any sense of the word, especially now a mate is tagging along and bringing a road bike at the expense of your mountain bikes.

I agree with a pp - your posts have an awful air of sad resignation about them which makes me sad for you.

In the two weeks, exactly how many long bike rides is he planning? Is he willing to compromise at all? Also, how long is this mate coming for? The whole 2 weeks? If he is coming for something like 4 days - would he restrict his biking to those days....and then bike with you and the kids the other days?

IfNot · 03/08/2017 11:08

If she is going to go off somewhere else with the kids because of this selfish twat then she may as well go off with the kids permanently. Why should she enable what he clearly wants anyway (his man holiday ).
I think Austria is a lovely place for a holiday with kids, incidentally. Walking, lakes,cycling, pastries..Cake.

thatdearoctopus · 03/08/2017 11:22

Never mind "strident advice on MN," how about the number of posters who have suggested it reasonable that the OP cancels and flies off somewhere else last minute with the kids? How many people can afford to do this?
Surely it's much better to stand up to her husband's possible raging tantrum and say that the plans for heir family holiday cannot "have been changed" because she doesn't recall being consulted about it.

I am forever Shock at how some people run (or allow to be run) their relationships. Like RollOn, if my dh had come home and said the plans had changed unbeknownst to me and it was going to have a serious adverse effect on my holiday, I'd be throwing a fit.

Laska5772 · 03/08/2017 11:49

Seriously. if he refuses to budge dont go. If you dont stand up to this now it will never change.. Tell the kids the real reason They can then decide if they are still going or not and manchild will have to sort it out.

Roomster101 · 03/08/2017 12:19

I doubt that he really is "fixed on the opinion" that you just don't like him biking. He is arguing that point as it is the only way he can make his argument seem reasonable. The reality is that he wants to take his and his friends road bike so that he can do what he wants on holiday with his friend at the expense of you and your children.
In your situation, I might call his bluff and suggest that I invite one of my friends and tell him that I will be off with them for some of the holiday doing my own thing too. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.