"family holiday"

[Bikingwidow]

Hi, I am after some opinions on whether I am being unreasonable to expect our annual family holiday to be mainly about spending time with the family ?
My husband is an obsessive road biker ( he wouldn't agree with this though and sees it as a harmless hobby) who goes out most weekends on his bike and has done a number of long distance road races , some local, some requiring a weekend away. I am fairly fine with this (most of the time) although the obsession is gaining momentum.

At his suggestion, we have booked a summer holiday in the mountains in Austria and we discussed the walking and mountain biking we can do together as a family. We are driving so have bought a bike rack for the top of the car etc.. all fine. Except now he is saying that we aren't going to be able to take the mountain bikes as he is taking his Road bike and is planning a number of lengthy solo bike rides for himself . He says we can hire bikes there ( true) but he has done lots of research into his Road bike routes and has not come up with any suggestions for what we can do together as a family. I am now thinking I am going to be spending my holiday finding things for me and the kids to do while he is off all day.

The question is, am I being unfair , he does work hard and deserves to enjoy his holiday , but I believe a family holiday should be mostly about family time particularly since he is often away during the week and spends quite a proportion of each weekend on his bike?

Thank you

Definitely unreasonable to take the road bike at the expense of everyone's mountain bikes. And you've said he's been on / is going on several cycling breaks with friends already this year. Out of interest how many weekends away with friends to do your own thing have you had?

I think YANBU he is a selfish shit and hasn't grasped the concept of a family holiday I.e. Spending time on holiday as a family not him sloping off to do his own thing.
If your DH is golfing cycling diving or whatever more days than not on holiday and when they get back doesn't throw themselves wholeheartedly into family time then in my opinion they are selfish, haven't grown up yet and you are indulging him by allowing this to happen.
A family holiday should be time spent relaxing as a family. If he wanted to nip off cycling for couple of hours here and there providing you also got some alone time and you were both ok with this then fine. But I am guessing like most families you don't want this?

We once looked at going somewhere which had lots of golf courses nearby DH isnt even a golfer and he said great I can take off and play golf every day. One look from me and he thought better and we booked elsewhere.

OP - I've had years of the same thing, plus other hobbies to boot. The thing is, if you stop him doing his cycling he'll probably be in a tense and grouchy mood which is no good either.
DH goes every weekend but he goes early eg. 6-10am Sat and Sun. That way, he gets it out of his system, the kids get a lie in and I get long baths!
On holiday, I wouldn't mind if he went for one full day (he is very hyper on holiday and it's nice to have the break, frankly), but preferably, he can do early morning rides (or evening) with little impact to the family.
I think this could be your compromise?

When we're on holiday, dh gets up early for cycles of we're not doing anything that requires an early start. He might do one long cycle but otherwise he is back by 11 at the latest. He needs to recognise it's a family holiday, not a cycling holiday.

I'd not see the harm in one day, it's his holiday too. Likewise there may be something you want to do.

We spend the bulk of our holidays together but sometimes I fancy a spa treatment or DH and DS want to do something I dislike so we go alone. It's meant to be a fun relaxing time for all to enjoy.

He sounds like a dawk. I would ban the bike and tell him to take a hike.

DH a few years back started to look at road bikes online... I nipped that in the bud and told him there was no way he was taking that up as a hobby. I stand by my descision.

YADNBU

To me the problem here isn't really the detail of what the hobby/sport is and what or where the holiday is. It's one person assuming they have the freedom to do what they wish, or taking for granted that they can do what they wish whilst someone else is 'holding the baby,' or being left to their own devices. People will have different levels of tolerance for this, and make different compromises, or sacrifices. OP, I feel for you as do many on this thread who seem to have encountered similar situations. I would however start as you mean to go on with this in respect of the holiday as it's hard to back track later.

Oh god, mine is obsessive about biking too. He's mentioned taking his bike on trips before, or even me driving and him cycling wherever it is we're going and meeting us there.

After the third time of me saying 'you are fucking kidding, aren't you?' He seems to have got the message.

Selfish.
DH is a keen runner and we've done one holiday purely so DH could take part in a run. But that was one day out of the trip, the rest was a normal family holiday with plenty of time together including DH taking the DCs off to do something so I could have some time to rest. DH is now suggesting a holiday in IOW for a 24hr run but I'm happy with that because I know that every other moment outside the event will be our family holiday. At home running doesn't really affect the rest of us at all as he fits in his training around work (runs home, if he wants extra training he goes a longer route but it is still generally quicker than his long commute by bus/walking anyway). It's a big part of his life but it isn't used as an excuse to shirk family life and responsibilities.

Not on at all to take up the whole trip just for himself. And he will still get to boast about how he's generously taking you all on a lovely holiday no doubt.

I agree with a PP who said the kids will just remember this as the holiday where daddy didn't want to spend any time with them :(

If you can't reach a suitable compromise (one that works for both of you and the family I'd be tempted to (partially) dismantle the road bike the day\night before your holiday and hide some of the parts. Make a note of where they are so none get lost and post the list to him so he can't get hold of it before going away and spend all night putting it together again. You can even arrange for some parts to go to a friend or family members house so he can't just look for them at home and put it together before leaving.

I can understand he wants to take advantage of Austria for his bike riding, but at the detriment of his families holiday, really? Stick up for you and your family, nobody else will. If he really wants to road bike while away he might have to hire one.

Is it too late to return the bike rack to the shop? If so consider putting it on eBay and, before you go away, plan other things you can do on holiday together so you're not wasting precious holiday time looking for what's in the area when you're already there; this can include a couple of days of bike riding using hired bikes, both mountain and road.

If the 'hobby' bike riding gets a bit much in everyday life and DH can't see it, try making rough notes of how long he spends out of the house for it and rough notes of how long he spends with the children, you, working, sleeping, etc. and show him how they compare. If there is a large percentage of his 'free' time spent on his hobby compared with being with you and his children and how much hobby time you get, then he probably needs to re-evaluate how much time he devotes to it.

I will get off my soap box now, I have a husband who can get lost in his own things\thoughts, but often when I point out to him how much time he is spending on them and how little time he spends with his 4 children\me\other things he likes he realises and adjusts. Time is precious and children grow so fast you can miss out on a lot while doing other things, DH prefers to see the boys growing and achieving things while he can, most hobbies etc. can be more part-time now and more full-on when children are older or you are retired.

Your DH enjoying a family holiday bike riding on his own will probably spoil a family holiday for everyone else, not my idea of a family holiday, something needs to be sorted out. I hope you can come to a suitable compromise about the holiday and you can all enjoy it.

Ltb.
I'm semi serious actually. I have told dp that if he ever takes up cyclying as a hobby I will end things. Especially if there is lycra involved. In my experience men (or MAMILS) with this hobby become utterly selfish and obsessed. There are loads round here, being arrogant twats on country roads, with their stupid outfits and goggles. It takes all my will not to run them off the road into the ditch.
Basically, he wants to have a holiday on his own, doing his own thing. Well, OK, he can do that in his own time, as long as you get the same at some point.
If you don't have the time to both for that AND have an actual family holiday then tough shit. He doesn't get to opt out of real life.
Or, you know, just leave him and find a man who doesn't have a bike.

How did it go yesterday evening OP? I also think it would be better to take the mountain bikes and he hires a road bike for a day. And don't take any rubbish about "set-up", he doesn't have to be winning Strava segments while he's away. We were away in May half term and hired bikes, I ended up with a sit up and beg type bike! DS got a mountain bike. Admittedly we didn't cycle that far and weren't in the mountains (or even hills, really) but it doesn't matter when you're on holiday. We're going away again this month and will hire bikes at our destination - we usually take a morning or afternoon as Dh doesn't like cycling so he takes himself to some museum or something while we ride. You don't need to be joined at the hip on holiday but it doesn't mean husband does what he wants while wife looks after kids, either.

I know golf resorts are fabulous for families @Oriunda , but I honestly think that I'd be spending my whole holiday dictating and policing golf time vs family time! We've been talking about a family resort near a golf course so he can get a round or two in without it being the focus of the trip. I'm not a total killjoy

Sounds like it's his holiday with you and the kids tagging along. I'm all for hobbies but once you're not single anymore and especially when you have kids you need to make them a priority. I'd ask him exactly what his plans are but by the sounds of it he plans to do a lot of road biking whilst you and the kids do your own thing and he'll tag along when he fancies it.

You know, I've been thinking about this thread all day and feeling so cross on your behalf. Hope your discussions went well OP.
There would quite possibly be actual LTB in my house over this selfish attitude.

Thank you so much for all the opinions and advice. I do agree that it is not a problem with him going for an occasional ride on his road bike or to even go and do a longer ride one day but the problem is, if he takes his road bike we can't then get all the mountain bikes on the car which means that we won't have the flexibilty of having our own bikes with us. I am certainly not suggesting that we spend every waking moment doing things all together.
Unfortunately the chat did not go well last night and he got very cross, he is fixed on this opinion that I just don't like him biking, so sadly I have come to the conclusion that I'd rather he just take it because otherwise he is going to be asking why we aren't using our bikes every day and making out I have in some way spoilt the trip. I will remember this though and make sure I choose the holiday next year! Thanks again for the messages.

Why can't you take your mountain bikes, his road bike, and he hire a mountain bike when you are there?

Can you not walk / bike with the kids without him?

It is outrageous that he has manoeuvred the whole holiday like this. I would be very cross.

If he goes off for days, take the kids off on a sightseeing or other activity trip and keep them out in tne evening, leaving him alone.

He isn't sounding very nice, tbh. He's manipulated you into getting his own way. Do you often give in to keep the peace?

Holy fuck he needs to think of someone except himself for once. Someone is spoiling the trip and it's not you.

YY to one bike per person. Take everyone else's mountain bike and his road bike and he hires a mountain bike. Would that work with the bike rack?

He's a selfish arse.

Sorry OP. Men like that rarely change.

Hmm, would it help to show him this thread?
He really is being unreasonable, he is going on a biking holiday and you are going on holiday with the kids. He won't be in the pics because he is away all day!
Do you get on at all with his family who kight be able to point out how selfish he is being?
Try and remain calm when proving your points, he is not in the right and the fact he got cross suggests he knows that really.

I think I'd tell him to go on his own. It's no holiday for you, just doing what you do 24/7 as a cycling widow but with better scenery. The selfishness is mind blowing.

Yanbu. I think compromise in that he can go and do one or two long bike rides but then he looks after the kids when you want to do something you want to do (spa trip?). And them presumably you can all do some biking together some days.

He is being a bit of a twat IMO but perhaps expectations were not properly set when the holiday was booked?

Oh my god. He sounds awful. Please say he has some redeeming qualities? I honestly don't know why a lot of men throw a strop when they can't do their own hobby?! Please come back and tell us how much biking he did on holiday. Because this sounds like a biking holiday for him. With you guys tagging along. Next year I'd be choosing the holiday. It's not like he doesn't do biking weekends so he's basically being very selfish.

He sounds like he's being an arse.

But I feel that there's quite a few people on this thread who heard 'cycling' and started with they're all pricks, all selfish etc. Someone behaving that way about ANY hobby does it because THEY ARE selfish. Their hobby of choice doesn't come into it. There will be many people who enjoy cycling who just get on with it and are considerate, just people who have considerate partners don't tend to come on MN.

I dont see how his road bike woud stop all the mountain bikes fitting? Surely 4 bikes is 4 bikes and if he wants to take his road one theb thats his choice and he hires a mountain one.

Don't give in and say you'll hire a family set out there so he can take his road bike (part of insisting on taking his road bike is so that he can flash his stuff and get involved in bike chat/bike porn with other cyclists & a rental bike doesn't have the same kudos )