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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"family holiday"

166 replies

Bikingwidow · 01/08/2017 07:16

Hi, I am after some opinions on whether I am being unreasonable to expect our annual family holiday to be mainly about spending time with the family ?
My husband is an obsessive road biker ( he wouldn't agree with this though and sees it as a harmless hobby) who goes out most weekends on his bike and has done a number of long distance road races , some local, some requiring a weekend away. I am fairly fine with this (most of the time) although the obsession is gaining momentum.

At his suggestion, we have booked a summer holiday in the mountains in Austria and we discussed the walking and mountain biking we can do together as a family. We are driving so have bought a bike rack for the top of the car etc.. all fine. Except now he is saying that we aren't going to be able to take the mountain bikes as he is taking his Road bike and is planning a number of lengthy solo bike rides for himself . He says we can hire bikes there ( true) but he has done lots of research into his Road bike routes and has not come up with any suggestions for what we can do together as a family. I am now thinking I am going to be spending my holiday finding things for me and the kids to do while he is off all day.

The question is, am I being unfair , he does work hard and deserves to enjoy his holiday , but I believe a family holiday should be mostly about family time particularly since he is often away during the week and spends quite a proportion of each weekend on his bike?

Thank you

OP posts:
Mothervulva · 02/08/2017 08:09

Oh dear OP Flowers.

ChasedByBees · 02/08/2017 08:11

This is so selfish. I assume he will be doing solo childcare whilst you indulge in your solo hobbies or time also yes? And when will you spend time altogether? Or let me guess, you have no time to yourself as it wouldn't even cross his mind that the children are his responsibility too.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 02/08/2017 08:37

What a selfish prick. I swear I'd either sell his fucking bike or slash his tires.

UrsulaPandress · 02/08/2017 08:40

I'd be fizzing with rage and the whole holiday would be ruined because of it. I cannot abide selfish behaviour.

DumbledoresApprentice · 02/08/2017 08:46

He's being ridiculous. So everyone else has to fit their holiday plans entirely around what he wants to do? I'd be furious. No way should the mountain bikes be left at home. It doesn't make any sense.

RhiWrites · 02/08/2017 08:53

It isn't just the bike. He has completely opted out of parenting. How would he react if OP said "I'm off for 6 hours, see you later?" He expects her to do all the parenting. That's crap.

jay55 · 02/08/2017 08:57

Are you his wife or the nanny? Because it doesn't seem like he knows the difference.

corythatwas · 02/08/2017 09:08

The main trend of advice seems to be Father should have a set number of days for his hobby and then the rest of the time should be family time. Mother being the default parent and all that.

flownthecoop is right: don't be a martyr. Have a brisk and cheerful discussion on the basis that he is as much a parent as you are and your me-time is as important as his me-time.

Silverthorn · 02/08/2017 09:13

This isn't right. He's manipulated you into agreeing while getting it all his own way. My dh rides and I mtb. If we were to go on hol to the alps which i suggested for next summer we would take it in turns to ride and look after our young dc. We would try to go with a group so we had someone to ride with. Also solo road riding sounds quite dangerous what if he has a mechanical or accident?
How old are the kids and where are you going? Can suggest some child friendly mtbing. Or family activities in the area. Via ferrata is fun.
Get the kids involved planning so they put pressure on your 'h' if you dont feel able to stand up to him.
However it doesnt sound like a very good marriage if he hets the hump every time you disagree.
Also my dh is off for a 4day road ride in the alps with friends. I get a similar child free mtb holiday if I choose.

MaisyPops · 02/08/2017 09:14

cory
The main trend of advice was that it's perfectly reasonable for him to have a ride or 2 when he's on holiday because it's something he enjoys and it's a holiday. But, equally the OP should also get the equivalent time to relax and do something good she wants on her own.
Totally fair.

Edsheeranalbumparty · 02/08/2017 09:15

I think my DH has the potential to pull this kind of shit, but I just put my foot down, ask him if he would be ok if it were the other way around and if necessary I have occasionally asked our friends in front of him if they think it's ok, and usually when you say it out loud like that in front of others he realises how silly it sounds.

My DH really isn't selfish or a knob or anything, but I think sometimes he just gets a bit carried away and needs me to bring him back down to earth!

OliviaBenson · 02/08/2017 09:16

So he had a strop and has now got his own way? Does this usually happy OP?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/08/2017 09:23

He does sound like he's being totally selfish about this.

My DH is a cyclist too and would love to do this. When I point out how selfish it is he becomes much more reasonable.

He would do the getting up at crack of dawn, back by mid morning though very happily as a compromise.

But yes, point out in no uncertain terms why you won't be doing this type of holiday in the future.

You need a cycling holiday plus a family holiday, not instead of.

Original poster
Bikingwidow · 02/08/2017 09:31

Hi, thanks again for your replies. Just a couple of points.
I am and have always been fine with him going riding on occasional day trips during the holiday , although it wasn't discussed when we made the initial plans to go , it was naive of me to have not thought that's what he'd like to do. This is not a problem.

I do plan to spend time doing my own thing too, but was hoping that due to my husband working v long hours usually ( and therefore perhaps understandably wanting to do some of his own thing on holiday) I was wanting the trip to be mainly about family time and getting our kids to spend time with their dad. They both love mountain biking, hence the original holiday plan. My problem is that the initial plan to go mountain biking has been changed , without my knowledge and our mountain bikes have been replaced with 2 x road bikes ( one for his friend who is flying down) so we now can only fit two more bikes on the car, this would mean hiring once there which is fine but takes a bit more forward planning.
I guess the bikes is a symptom of us both having a different perspective on family life and me being upset that I feel that he just doesn't want or feel the need to spend as muchtime with us as I'd like.

OP posts:
Msqueen33 · 02/08/2017 09:34

So he's taking his friend's bike to bugger off biking? How long is his friend staying? Like you I believe everyone should get a bit of what they want from life and on holiday but it should be as fair as possible and a good amount of time given to the family. Because you know that's why you have them.

Roussette · 02/08/2017 09:35

So you and the DCs are tagging along on a blokey cycling holiday?

He has a friend joining him to go off with?! Shock

rollonthesummer · 02/08/2017 09:38

What-his friend is coming too?!

I would be staying and home and wishing DH and the kids a lovey holiday together... Whilst I sat and thought about whether this was the sort of marriage I wanted to be in. He is being a selfish arse.

notanurse2017 · 02/08/2017 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coloursthatweremyjoy · 02/08/2017 09:42

I'd be upset as well OP.

But it is what it is so...

I'd research all the stuff to do in the area. Do it with the children. That way you can have something lined up for whenever he disappears on the bike. Make sure you all get a holiday as well!

I'd also hire myself a mountain bike (a very cool one) and take the kids on some brilliant downhill. But that might be just me...I would be the coolest Mum ever and the kids would rave about it all through dinner.

Enjoy yourself...or take up road biking (it's not as fun as mountain biking).

AnnabelleLecter · 02/08/2017 09:42

His friends bike would not be being transported at the sake of family bikes.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/08/2017 09:46

You're taking his friends bike at the expense of the family Shock

Now that really isn't on OP.

I'd be spending the whole holiday fuming at him quite honestly. It wouldn't be worth going.

LittleOwl153 · 02/08/2017 09:47

So you have a 4 bike rack, and 4 people in your family? Easy 1 bike each. DH can choose which bike he takes, BUT a family members bike should not be bumped for someone who is not travelling with you. Not sure how old the kids are but given you are a biking family I assume all bikes are specifically sorted... why should anyone put up with a hire bike to give space to someone else.

Fairenuff · 02/08/2017 09:48

I'm not surprised tbh. I could tell from the way you post that you were going to let him bully you into this. There are plenty of things I could advise but there's no point - you're going to do what he wants like you always do.

However, one thing has to be said. What are you doing when he is working those very long hours? Presumably you're not in charge of children, or housework, or shopping or anything else that he would otherwise have to pay someone to do? Because if you were, then you would be working very long hours too. Bear that in mind.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/08/2017 09:49

Bollocks. His friend can pay for his bike to be transported by air. Your DH has effectively added an extra cost to your holiday, in the cost of hiring a mountain bike, to save his mate about £60 to transport his bike on the plane.

I might be sorely tempted to let the road bikes fall off the bike carrier and under a truck. And yes I am a cyclist and have a mountain bike and a road bike and know how much these things can cost.

therootoftheroot · 02/08/2017 09:56

Can you book an alterative holiday for you and the kids in a traditional bucket and spade, kids club place in the med? At least that you can get some time without the kids and let him go off with his mate? I would be incandescent if I were you. [Angry]

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