To be pissed off at my DC being questioned at customs over whether I'm really their mother?

[Thumbeline]

My DC have their father's surname. I now have my maiden name. I find it a bit sad that we don't have the same surname.

I have pretty much raised them single handedly.

DP and I have a baby, who has the same surname as DP, so I'm the only one in the family with a different surname.

We were returning to the UK from France the other day.

The customs official asked if we were a family. Yes, I replied. She then asked why we all have different surnames. It was so embarrassing. She asked if I had any proof I was the mother of my DC. I asked why, if I was abducting British children, from France, why I would be bringing them back to the UK, with their own passports...?

She then proceeded to cross question all the children. I was so angry and upset I could have cried.

No it's not awful. Children do get trafficked. Children get taken without the consent of the other parent to a home country and the process of getting them back ranges from long to impossible.

I am an expat and have different passports to my son. The general advice among the expat community is that you should always travel with documented proof they are your kids (birth certificate or copy) and a notarised permission letter from the other parent.

They were doing their job, and doing it well.

Not only do I agree with this but I have been involved in some training of UK border forces - with regards child trafficking. How do you expect border forces to detect if a child is being trafficked if you don't speak to travellers ? ( including the child). Different names is not the only factor but it's a pretty obvious one so invariably a starting point. Whether they question you in
An obnoxious or rude manner is a different issue. So generally YABU.

I am absolutely sure at least one of mine would have deadpanned,"no, I've never seen this woman before today".

If you were really "so angry and upset you could have cried," then with the greatest respect, you perhaps need to toughen up a bit in life.

I thought it was common sense that this would be a problem.

When I go away I always take my child's birth certificate with me as I have a different surname to her and my dp changed his name by deedpol ( new name my daughter has) but his passport is still in his old name as it's not expired yet so we bring everything we need to prove we are the parents

Perfectly normal, although surely the questions are being asked at the immigration desk and not by customs (unless you are importing the children as freight)?

Before i changed my passports this was normal for me and to be honest it never bothered me. Dds Italian documents has it written that the only people who can take them out of the country were me and dh. Whn travelling on UK Passports we were asked and I showed copy of marriage certificate . To counter this when I got my new passport I have double barrelled my surname for ease. When we go back into Italy I have been asked in the past or they press a few more buttons to cross check. I have noticd that the border control do sometimes ask the dds questions , polite friendly ones .. To be honest they are doing a job and I have no problem with it.

It is about having a different surname. I have kept my surname and ds has dh's surname, but does have mine as middle name. When we came back into the uk once, the border officer specifically said to me that I need to carry ds's birth certificate and permission from dh if me and ds travel alone because we have different surnames. He didn't say this to dh.

Given that father's regularly kidnap their children, I'm not sure why they seem to think that having the same surname is some sort of guarantee against this. It just seems so ridiculous that these days children's passports don't carry details on who has parental permission for them, and an immediate block put on them if one of the parents tries to abduct them.

It is for a good reason they ask children. Even though my child has the same surname as me, they asked him questions at customs. Don't make it about you - it is to protect other children

My husband has been stopped and questioned about his relationship to the two small girls travelling with him (his children!) and they all share the same name. This was a few years ago.

Now I get questioned as we have different names. I have his permission to travel, plus birth certificates (I need them for other admin reasons anyway).

They definitely have got hotter over this recently, so expect to be questioned when you travel.

I gave my daughter both our surnames. Most sensible advice I was ever given as we weren't married, from different countries but very much together until she was nearly 4. I moved back t UK with her when we split up and I travel with her a lot to see her dad. They always check and ask her questions even so.

Given that father's regularly kidnap their children, I'm not sure why they seem to think that having the same surname is some sort of guarantee against this. It just seems so ridiculous that these days children's passports don't carry details on who has parental permission for them, and an immediate block put on them if one of the parents tries to abduct them.

I totally agree. I'm amazed by the way the majority of posters seem to be so unquestioning and accepting of what seems to be a ridiculous policy.

The surname thing is indeed ridiculous, so my BIL and his wife could take my eldest without question, but not me? A deed poll and a passport are so cheap as to be no security at all.

It has just occurred to me that this whole problem would be solved if under 18 had their parent's names listed on their passports

Jo Smith, son of Ruby Slippers and Malcom Jones

Sorted, Ruby and Malcom are both then authorised to take kids with them.

In cases where one parent is NOT allowed to travel with them, they could be removed or absent from passport, thus necessitating a letter of permission

rats, hadn't read the whole thread and see others beat me to it.

I fear your mistake was questioning the customs officer.
Any return questions or witty comments will raise their suspicions.
Better to give them straight, polite answers.
They are after all only doing their job.

I was travelling with ds who was a precocious bright 4 year old. We have same surname.

customs asked him who I was.
Steppe he said after looking confused for a bit.
What other names does she have?
ds really looking confused and upset, so I said - what do YOU call me ds?

Oh - Mummy?? he said not sounding very certain, as if I had trained him to say it.

Fortunately they let us through!

Still a good idea though steppe even if you weren't first to mention it!

Ds has no contact with his father. I don't even know his whereabouts. Ds has a double barrelled surname (father surname-my surname)

I've had a few looks but thank god they've never questioned Ds as he has asd and is very literal.
"Who's this" would get the answer "you are". And if they'd had asked where his dad is he'd have answered honestly "we don't know".

Ds is now 12 so we use the biometric passport control bit but I guess I can take his BC and deed poll documents? His BC is not is English though!

'The surname thing is indeed ridiculous, so my BIL and his wife could take my eldest without question, but not me? A deed poll and a passport are so cheap as to be no security at all.'

No, people with the same name as a child do still get questioned. But travelling with a child with a different name increases the odds that the child is not yours, so you are probably more likely to be questioned.

When this happened to me, and I confirmed I was the mother, my then three year old DD looked up at me in astonishment and said "Mama, are you our mother?".

Thanks DD

At least she said mama...

"Given that father's regularly kidnap their children, I'm not sure why they seem to think that having the same surname is some sort of guarantee against this."

Absolutely.

Trafficking & parental abduction both happen.

I'm so old that the kids used to be on my passport.

So what happens if you don't know the whereabouts of a parent?

Can you get a legal statement that their whereabouts are unknown?

I always carry my DC's adoption certs when travelling, as does their Dad. My DC are safe and being legally transported, but other children might not be. I would prefer to increase the chances of kidnapped/trafficked children being helped even if it means some extra questions and a bit of extra documentation for me.

t has just occurred to me that this whole problem would be solved if under 18 had their parent's names listed on their passports

The default is that both parents permission is needed. The Hague convention deems that a child cannot be removed from their country of habitual residence without both parents permission. As I said I'm an expat and people I know get this a LOT. You can (in the country I'm in) get a police tag on the passport which means that a child WILL need an official permission from both parents.

Sadly, one parent taking the kids 'away for a holiday' and never returning, or moving back home, is much more common than people think. :(

Quite apart from the fact that they were just doing their job and protecting children (we've had it and we all have the same name), what on earth possessed you to backchat at passport control?! If there's one thing I've learned from traveling to countries with checkpoints galore, it's that you keep your mouth shut and don't talk back unless you want a massive delay (and that being the best possible outcome...)