To think I can't now make it right?

[AdultDCNotYoung]

I've never posted before:

As my username suggests, my children are grown up now. I have DS, 23, and DD, 19.

I admit I didn't take to parenting well. Put DS in Nursery from the age of 6 months and returned to work. That's why I waited so long to have DD because I didn't enjoy the younger days with DS.

I thought as the children got older and more indepedent I'd form better relationships with them. Don't get me wrong, I always put them first, attended all parents evenings, plays/concerts, and took time off in the holidays to look after them both. I just didn't particularly enjoy them until they were older.

As teenagers both children became distant and had little to do with me. DS preferred to shut himself in his room playing on his games than seeing us as a family, my husband liked that as he admitted to me when DS was about 15 he never wanted a boy and didn't feel he'd ever properly bonded with DS. DD was the opposite, out all the time always at various clubs or friends houses. I was never really involved, as I didn't drive it was H who took her and picked up so they developed the close relationship and I was left behind.

My DD moved to University last year, and only speaks to me now when she comes home every 6-12 weeks. She's home now and spends most of her time either working or out with friends.

With DS i got it very wrong. When he was 20 he got his then 23 year old girlfriend pregnant. I know the pregnancy wasn't planned so both H and I lost it and kicked DS out when he told us. I know now I shouldn't of, I accused him of being too young and told him he'd never cope as a father. I also reacted badly to my grandchilds name, even though I know it's a perfectly normal name and actually looking at her now the name really suits her.

2 years on, DS is married to the mother of his DD, they've just bought a house together and are expecting baby no2 at the end of the year. Both have fairly good jobs, and have taken to parenting like a duck to water. GD adores DS and DIL in a way that my DCs never adored me or H.

I see my granddaughter once a month or so, and wish I could see her more, I live round the corner from the house they've just purchased. I've tried to speak to DS but he just shuts me down and doesn't want to talk about it. I know this is competely my own fault.

I am super proud of both of my children (and my granddaughter too of course) because despite me they've both turned out well and made something of their life. I know I am very lucky that both children turned out well and neither bought trouble to my door. I just wish we had a better relationship.

They both get on with each other really well. I'm on Facebook for work and see DD regularly post photos of GD and herself together, so DD must see them ar least once a week or so.

I know there's too much time gone by to make it right with either of my children, I know I'll never be an involved grandmother. H doesn't fair much better. DD texts him maybe once a week, but rarely sees him when she's at University. DS has nothing to do with his dad.

Please do your worst with me, as that's why I posted here, I deserve it.

@AdultDCNotYoung I don't see the sense in saying anything horrible to you. You have been honest enough to hold your hands up to where you have gone wrong with your DC.

I don't really have any helpful advice either but have you ever tried sending a letter/email instead of trying to speak to your DS face to face?

Hi OP,

I agree a letter sounds like a good way to communicate. You could tell them what you have told us.

You acknowledge your mistakes and that counts for alot.

All the best.

Whats there to say?

Both you and your dh rejected your son. Your dh made dd the golden child, but still reallu didnt have that much of a relationship with her.

You didnt put the work in to build the bonds, treated your ds like shit when he got his gf pregnant and made issues out of nothing (the name)....now you reaping what you sow.

At least they get on and have a sense of family.

I dont believe there is anythjng you can do. Their formativr years were spent with you not liking them. And they will have picked up on that.

For clarity i have always worked full time. Not because i dont like my kids, but because i like having my job. I had my dd at 20 and both my kids know both me and dh adore them.

I have a great bond with my teenager and my 6 year old.

So i can tell you they knew you didnt want to be around them. Unless they want to change the situatuon, you will have to suck it up.

Do you know OP, I think that you could go a way to making it right. My mum was just awful growing up, so many things she got badly wrong that still screw me up today if I let them. Do you know what I really want from her? One of those honest chats where she would say "do you know, I screwed x,y and z up and I'm sorry". Will it fix it? Nope, but I would feel a whole lot kinder and loving towards her. I don't see her although we speak often on the phone and a chat like that would make me think well maybe I should go see her. She's of the 'I did nothing wrong' mindset though so it won't happen, but you have a chance here. Act on it.

Hi op

I sympathise. It's bloody hard work bringing up children. Mine are all older now too. It's a different game with adult dc

Could you not try..... it's not too late?

Shopping/coffee/lunch with your dd. Maybe create a family WhatsApp group. It works well for us. Just the 3 of you perhaps?

It's not too late, it really isn't.

Exactly dancers. I want to hear that elusive sorry. I want her to explain why. Not so that I can fall into her arms but so that I can start to understand. Understanding is at the base of all healing in my opinion. What harm can it do? Even if they reject it, you've lost nothing.

Says a lot about your son that you get to see your gd at all

You need to consider what you can bring to their lives and not just the other way round. You have decided that you are interested in them now, and they don't sound bothered...which is up to them.

If you do approach them then you need to be talking about what you can offer them in terms of relationship, as against talking about what you want, how you feel, your regrets, why you did it etc.

I won't hurt to try. Just be prepared for them to not want to hear it.

What harm can it do? Even if they reject it, you've lost nothing.

Actually it can. If they arent ready to hear it yet, it can cause them alot of pain. It can feel like 'i know i was shit for a long time....but now i want a better relationship you need to listen to my apology.'

If they are not ready for it, it shouldn't be done. But can ask op.

Look, yes you fucked up with your DS but I'm a firm believer that life is too short to not try everything to resolve an unhappy situation.

Hold out the olive branch as much as possible, and keep trying.

I hope people on here can read the sadness in your post and don't give you a kicking.

Says a lot about your son that you get to see your gd at all.

And I agree with this. I would have been done with you when you kicked me out of the house and told me I would be a bad parent.

I sm going to be honest with you. My dp parents have treated him (well us) really badly over the years. As a result we had a distant relationship. When they tried to push themselves on us it was a painful reminder of everything they'd put us through and to be honest, that ship had sailed.
I'd say the kindest thing you can do is keep your distance and respect DS wishes. Unfortunately, you are most likely a day late and a pound short.

You get out of your children what you put in.

Putting your son on the street for getting his GF pregnant was disgusting as was criticising their choice of name. You sound like a toxic mother and you should only try to be a part of their lives if you can genuinely enrich it and not cause more issues.

Both of your children seem to give you a wide berth and that is very sad indeed.

You should talk to your kids, tell them you are sorry and listen to what they have to say.

I am a survivor of a toxic family inc addiction and child abuse and dv.

Even with ALL that's happened an apology and honesty about where my parents went wrong would help a hell of a lot.

Mum has apologised for some stuff and I have a better relationship with her as a result.

As the main perpetrator/antagonist could never forgive my father completely but if he were even to finally admit what he did it would be great (it will never happen).

It's never too late. Write that letter, have that conversation but be sincere not sympathy seeking. It's also (if funds allow) not too late for family therapy.

As a mother I haven't always got it right either, but I have apologised sincerely when I've messed up (against my own mothers advice ) and I have overall a good relationship with dd.

I don't see how asking if a conversation could be had would be bad? OP's DC aren't living in a lovely bubble of no pain from their childhoods. The pain is there each and everyday. Little thoughts they have about themselves. They way they treat themselves and others will, at some point, be a reflection of what they received growing up. I'm sure they are changing/have changed many of those thoughts and patterns of behaviour but what harm will asking the question do? If they aren't ready to hear it then they say no, not now. I really don't see what extra pain that question would cause? It's not like they've forgotten everything that happened. At least they will know that OP wants to talk about it.

I'm 99% sure it's DIL that lets me see GD not DS, as DS often doesn't come round when I see her (DIL does).

I've tried several times to talk to DS but he doesn't want to hear it and either shuts me down with a "lets not talk about that now" or walks away. And DD ignores most of my texts, unless it's asking for money (which I know is typical 19 year old behaviour)

Can you air this out with DS, be honest, and say you want to develop a better relationship. Or if it's too late with DS then how about DD?

I agree. Tell them both what you've said here. You didn't take to parenting, you let it affect your relationship with them and you know that's why there is distance now. Say that you are so sorry things were that way, you expect nothing from them but want them to know you are sorry and that no matter how you might have come across, you love them deeply and are very proud of them.

I think they key is to offer them the unconditional love they didn't feel growing up. Make it clear that you don't expect anything from them as a result of what you are saying, you just want them to know, but that if they are prepared for you to try and develop a close relationship you would like that very much.

Taking ownership of your mistakes is very powerful. It may not be too late xx

Then tell ds you would like to talk about when he is ready and that the door is always open. And tell dd the same.

Op what has changed your thinking?

You could put it in a letter if he finds it hard to talk.

Could you write a lovely note/letter saying what you have said here. Say you are sorry and would love to try to help them in the future etc..

It wouldn't do any harm and might mend a few bridges

My thinking changed when my GD became a toddler and saw how much she has compared to my own children at her age. She goes to baby groups, is in Nursery but only 2 days a week because both DIL and DS work around her - DIL works 3 days a week, and DS works 5 days but works one day at the weekend in order to be able to spend a weekday with his daughter.