To think I can't now make it right?

[AdultDCNotYoung]

I've never posted before:

As my username suggests, my children are grown up now. I have DS, 23, and DD, 19.

I admit I didn't take to parenting well. Put DS in Nursery from the age of 6 months and returned to work. That's why I waited so long to have DD because I didn't enjoy the younger days with DS.

I thought as the children got older and more indepedent I'd form better relationships with them. Don't get me wrong, I always put them first, attended all parents evenings, plays/concerts, and took time off in the holidays to look after them both. I just didn't particularly enjoy them until they were older.

As teenagers both children became distant and had little to do with me. DS preferred to shut himself in his room playing on his games than seeing us as a family, my husband liked that as he admitted to me when DS was about 15 he never wanted a boy and didn't feel he'd ever properly bonded with DS. DD was the opposite, out all the time always at various clubs or friends houses. I was never really involved, as I didn't drive it was H who took her and picked up so they developed the close relationship and I was left behind.

My DD moved to University last year, and only speaks to me now when she comes home every 6-12 weeks. She's home now and spends most of her time either working or out with friends.

With DS i got it very wrong. When he was 20 he got his then 23 year old girlfriend pregnant. I know the pregnancy wasn't planned so both H and I lost it and kicked DS out when he told us. I know now I shouldn't of, I accused him of being too young and told him he'd never cope as a father. I also reacted badly to my grandchilds name, even though I know it's a perfectly normal name and actually looking at her now the name really suits her.

2 years on, DS is married to the mother of his DD, they've just bought a house together and are expecting baby no2 at the end of the year. Both have fairly good jobs, and have taken to parenting like a duck to water. GD adores DS and DIL in a way that my DCs never adored me or H.

I see my granddaughter once a month or so, and wish I could see her more, I live round the corner from the house they've just purchased. I've tried to speak to DS but he just shuts me down and doesn't want to talk about it. I know this is competely my own fault.

I am super proud of both of my children (and my granddaughter too of course) because despite me they've both turned out well and made something of their life. I know I am very lucky that both children turned out well and neither bought trouble to my door. I just wish we had a better relationship.

They both get on with each other really well. I'm on Facebook for work and see DD regularly post photos of GD and herself together, so DD must see them ar least once a week or so.

I know there's too much time gone by to make it right with either of my children, I know I'll never be an involved grandmother. H doesn't fair much better. DD texts him maybe once a week, but rarely sees him when she's at University. DS has nothing to do with his dad.

Please do your worst with me, as that's why I posted here, I deserve it.

I know both my DC got to where they are despite me.

I took no interest in DDs choice of university, neither encouraged nor discouraged, she did all the work herself. I know that, and I'm proud of that, that she wasn't put off by my lack of interest.

DS is the most amazing father and DIL admitted recently that they both considered a termination. I'm so glad they didn't they're amazing parents, and planned a wedding with a teething baby in tow and it was a brilliant day, they did it all themselves, despite me.

Ask your dil to ask your children if they would mind if she passed on their email addresses. Do not put your dil on the spot to just give them to you.

As for the email, do not make it long and waffley. You neee to make every word count.

I'd begin with how proud I am of them. Actually refer to specific examples, like how wonderful you think your DS is as a father.

Then I would say that your pride is magnified by the fact fact that they have achieved so much despite having you as a mother. Apologise. No excuses. Acknowledge and elaborate on how your failings as a mother has, at times, made their lives difficult.

Finish by saying that whilst you would love to slowly be more involved in their lives entirely on their terms, you expect nothing from them because you deserve nothing from them. What they deserved was a better mother than you gave them, and all you can do is say sorry and tell them you love them.

Other posters have already given good advice about writing a letter - apologising and offering to make amends to them. Please do this, it's not too late. (I would love to get this from my mother even now in my forties).

Your DS, as a parent now, will most likely be having very acute feelings about his own upbringing and analysing/comparing your parenting of him with how he is raising your GD. Be very sensitive to this and make it clear any outcomes can be on his terms. (Don't write the letter with any attachment to outcomes - you really arent owed any at all).

Also, I wouldn't just approach your DS. Approach him and DD at the same time. This is very important now as it sounds likely that they will have felt favouritism going on during their childhood. My Father reached out to my sister and not to me and added to existing hurt terribly. Maybe he was planning to reach out to me at some point, but he died suddenly.

I hope this turns out well, above all for your children.

Your OP made me sad, as someone who didn't have a very present or available mum growing up, though I try to remember she did her best. We have a tolerable relationship now but it would mean so much to me if she acknowledged her mistakes and apologised. I am much older than your DC so no, I don't think it's necessarily too late. You probably can't make it right, but you may be able to make it better.

I have never confronted my mum about the past because she makes it pretty clear she doesn't want to know, or couldn't handle my feelings. A true apology has to come from you. A letter is a good idea. Email is too casual and as someone pointed out, too easy to open at the wrong moment. You need to be prepared for the possibility that you might not get the outcome you want, but I think it will haunt you forever if you don't at least try. If what you express is real regret rather than an attempt to excuse or justify your behaviour, I don't think it can be harmful.

Proud - feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one's own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated.

Thats the definition of proud. Does your son feel closly associated with you.

You dont have a right to be proud. Admire them, yes. Proud is not really the right word.

Again OP what actions have you taken with dd to show her you want to spend time with her? Dropped off a care package? Sent one even? Asked her to do something with you? Not by text, but when she is home? Asked about her friends, course, house?

That is unnecessarily cruel, Spartacus, it really is.

Do you want to make things right?
Because although you clearly have regrets it seems as if you've already decided to do nothing?

If you DO want to improve things then yes there is something you can do.
Talk to them, apologise, tell them what you've posted here... That you made mistakes and want to change things.
They might not want to know but the fact that you're still in contact is an excellent sign. It sounds like they do still want a relationship with you. So gather your courage and talk to them!

That is unnecessarily cruel, Spartacus, it really is

No it's not its true.

And it's not cruel to tell the OP to avoid a phrase that might spark a backlash. That's what the OP is posting here for isn't it?

My DM was a great Mum up until the time we developed minds of our own. In my teens she made my life hell and for a number of years after we had a difficult relationship with little affection. She was a remarkable woman in many ways, bringing up 6 kids and running a business single-handed when my DF died at age 46, but she was always right and rarely allowed anyone close.
However, she did start to mellow and one day asked each of us in turn to visit her - out of the blue. Once there, she apologised for making our teenage years unhappy and for not allowing us to flourish as independent people. I was incredibly touched as she must have found this incredibly difficult.
It was the beginning of a much closer relationship so that I was genuinely sad when she died, which in all honesty, would not have been the case before that conversation.

Ignore the nasty posts - you have done well to face the truth about your parenting and want to put things right if possible. Well done! It may take time for your DD and DS to come round but I would be surprised if they do not want, in time, to have a closer, more affectionate relationship. We're rooting for you OP! Hugs and flowers!

Really? Cruel? How is that. I believe proud is not the right word. Which is why i suggested admire. To help the op find the right words.

How is cruel to say that word may not go down well. Or that the son may not feel closly associated with his parents after they put him our of their house?

Intolerably cruel is such hyperbole

Unnecessarily cruel is what I said. I think it is. OP knows that she has seriously damaged her relationship with her children.

I would think 'admire' an odd choice of words if my dad were to say that to me (we're estranged). I'd think better of 'proud of you in spite of my own shortcomings' or something like that.

Still, that's my opinion and you're entitled to your own.

I've lurked for ages but your post has made me want to open an account to comment on your post!

As a grown up victim of child abuse who suffers badly from PTSD one of the things I've come to realise is it would give me some relief if my Mum said sorry and took responsibility with what went wrong in my childhood.

They may not ever forgive you but saying sorry and accepting the responsibility would hopefully help your son and daughter going forward in their adult lives.

I think it would be best done in a letter but I would say if you do this please DO NOT make it about you. They deserved better and you need to make them know this and let them know how sorry you are. If they do open up to you, I think you ought to be ready for years of built up anger and be ready for it. The worst thing you could do is open all this up then not be able to deal with the outpoor of built up emotions from your children. A professional might even be an idea to help you all speak together.

If you are genuinely sorry and they believe you then hopefully they will allow you in their lives one day as everyone still has an inner child who needs their Mum.

My Mum says I've made it all up and won't take any responsibility which is leaving me angry and bitter and i'm struggling to move on after having several recent triggers. I wish it was my Mum that had made your post! x

It sounds like you didn't really want to have children to begin with, to be honest.

All you can do now is be there for them and help them as much as you can.

Her son is closely associated with her whether he 'feels' it or not. She loves her children even if she finds it difficult to express, verbally and physically. MIL should feel proud of my DH being a good dad despite having no involvement and not being supportive. My parents were fairly hands off emotionally and for support - no help choosing universities although could do practical things. I think my dad just couldn't relate to going to university and getting a degree. He didn't seem proud and I owe him nothing for getting to university and earning my degree. But he's allowed to feel proud and I'd hope he did. He felt very proud when I passed my driving test first time - he could relate to that as he'd done it too.

Ignore the requests to give them space and say nothing, that won't change this situation. A letter would be ideal, let them read in their own time and personal to them. It would mean so much to hear what you think of them and why you've struggled to express this.

Her son is closely associated with her whether he 'feels' it or not.
his genetics are.
relationship wise he is not closely associated with her.

Still, that's my opinion and you're entitled to your own.

Really? Because it doesnt sound like you think i am. Since you needed to call it unnecessarily cruel. If you thoughtbi eas entitled to an opinion you wouldnt have commented.

If i wanted to be cruel to the op, i could just hurl abuse. I am trying to give advice and i believe proud would be the wrong word to use because of its definition.

If that cruelty to you, fair enough. But maybe look up the word.

Can you have some therapy yourself to understand more about why you treated your children the way you did, before asking more of them, perhaps ineptly?

Can you be sure that you are not only now interested in connecting with them now they have both clearly taken a step back and demonstrated that they can survive, perhaps thrive, without you?

What exactly do you want from them?

Unfortunately, OP, I really doubt that you can re-enter your son's life and suddenly become a positive, nurturing force of some kind. Your recent behaviour re. his pregnant gf and the baby's name prove that, if nothing else. Can you honestly say, hand on heart, that you won't react in the same way again if faced with something else you don't like?

By some miracle, your DS has been able to leave all the rejection and challenges of his childhood behind him and create a positive, loving family environment for his child. Please leave them alone. If you see your gc occasionally and it's working for everyone, that's great, and over time, may be more will come. But for now, leave him be.

Take deep breaths.
Step back.
Fill your life with other things.
Be available when they want to see you. When you/they leave, say how much you've enjoyed seeing them. Offer to babysit, help, when opportunities arise.
Write a letter, saying what you've said here.
Then leave it to them.
Write to your DD, too, if you write to your DS. Don't let her think you're just after access to the baby.
It's worth a try. You can't force your way into their lives, but you can let them know that you acknowledge where you went wrong and you'd like the future to be better.

I think you need to be very honest with yourself about what stopped you coming forward and forging those bonds throughout not just those early childhood days but later on in their teens. I get small children were difficult, teens can be moody, but you even say you showed no interest in your dd's choice of uni and just let her do it all herself. At the same time, you were throwing the other one out of home! I honestly can understand why your children don't turn to you now, as it's a way of protecting themselves.

I am not sure a letter is the solution, because I don't really get what is different about now, and why you wouldn't withdraw and hurt them all over again. I've done this with a parent, given them a second chance, they've done the doting grandparent bit for about 18 months, but then as soon as life took a hold again and they got stressed/distracted, the same old patterns emerged and we were once again ignored. I now know they just don't have it in them. It's sad but realistic. Make sure if you are wanting things to be different that you understand why they are different this time and that you are genuinely able to make them different, otherwise carrot dangling is going to be awful for all of you. Seeing a counsellor might help you figure out why you basically didn't show interest in your children until they both left/were thrown out of home.

Do be aware that it's natural for kids to pull away in their teens regardless of how close they are to their parents. I'm extremely close to my kids and they love me almost too much. My teen still spends huge amounts of time alone in her room or out with friends - it's part of growing up.

I wonder whether - feeling distant from your kids now and knowing how badly you messed up when your son's girlfriend became pregnant - you may be judging yourself extra harshly for their younger years.

Her son is closely associated with her whether he 'feels' it or not.

And its his feelings that are imporatnt right now. Genetics didnt stop the op kicking him out did it?

Facts of genetics dont matter at the moment. The ds and dds feelings do.

The OP, at least, seems to understand that.

I called what you said cruel because it was. There's no need to slap the OP around by basically denying her any thoughts or feelings as to how her children are linked to her.

Stop being so patronising.

Hi speaking from someone who had a very different background and had a mother who didn't take to parenting as well as she could have and wasn't a natural parent I can tell you that I have resolved my issues with my mother but I don't have the relationship with her I would like so it is a start that you acknowledge this and want more.

Firstly your daughter is still young and maybe not be ready (I was still very angry at this age)

Your son will probably need it in writing or a way you can communicate with him that he is willing to except

Secondly you need acknowledge you weren't the best mother and tell your children you struggled and that you regret your action
And are sorry. You need
To discuss with with them but also expect them to be angry ask more questions and also except this will take time.

This could take years but you will need to remember you are the parent you made mistakes and your children even as adults will carry the pain around for this.

Keep trying please as I love my Mam and although she has apologised I wish she'd make a
Little more effort with me.

The only patronising one is you lying.

It wasnt cruel. Since you are not me, you have no idea what my intention was. I was pointing out fact. That proud isnt the word she is searching for and may put her sons back up.

The OP knows her son doesnt feel ckose to ger and is looking to fix it. Pretending he is close isnt helping fix it.