To think I can't now make it right?

[AdultDCNotYoung]

I've never posted before:

As my username suggests, my children are grown up now. I have DS, 23, and DD, 19.

I admit I didn't take to parenting well. Put DS in Nursery from the age of 6 months and returned to work. That's why I waited so long to have DD because I didn't enjoy the younger days with DS.

I thought as the children got older and more indepedent I'd form better relationships with them. Don't get me wrong, I always put them first, attended all parents evenings, plays/concerts, and took time off in the holidays to look after them both. I just didn't particularly enjoy them until they were older.

As teenagers both children became distant and had little to do with me. DS preferred to shut himself in his room playing on his games than seeing us as a family, my husband liked that as he admitted to me when DS was about 15 he never wanted a boy and didn't feel he'd ever properly bonded with DS. DD was the opposite, out all the time always at various clubs or friends houses. I was never really involved, as I didn't drive it was H who took her and picked up so they developed the close relationship and I was left behind.

My DD moved to University last year, and only speaks to me now when she comes home every 6-12 weeks. She's home now and spends most of her time either working or out with friends.

With DS i got it very wrong. When he was 20 he got his then 23 year old girlfriend pregnant. I know the pregnancy wasn't planned so both H and I lost it and kicked DS out when he told us. I know now I shouldn't of, I accused him of being too young and told him he'd never cope as a father. I also reacted badly to my grandchilds name, even though I know it's a perfectly normal name and actually looking at her now the name really suits her.

2 years on, DS is married to the mother of his DD, they've just bought a house together and are expecting baby no2 at the end of the year. Both have fairly good jobs, and have taken to parenting like a duck to water. GD adores DS and DIL in a way that my DCs never adored me or H.

I see my granddaughter once a month or so, and wish I could see her more, I live round the corner from the house they've just purchased. I've tried to speak to DS but he just shuts me down and doesn't want to talk about it. I know this is competely my own fault.

I am super proud of both of my children (and my granddaughter too of course) because despite me they've both turned out well and made something of their life. I know I am very lucky that both children turned out well and neither bought trouble to my door. I just wish we had a better relationship.

They both get on with each other really well. I'm on Facebook for work and see DD regularly post photos of GD and herself together, so DD must see them ar least once a week or so.

I know there's too much time gone by to make it right with either of my children, I know I'll never be an involved grandmother. H doesn't fair much better. DD texts him maybe once a week, but rarely sees him when she's at University. DS has nothing to do with his dad.

Please do your worst with me, as that's why I posted here, I deserve it.

I think proud is ok if it references her children's achievements despite her own shortcomings as a mother e
but like a pp says, it could come across as ownership if not careful eg op is proud of them because of their achievements from a boastful or in a self congratulatory way and her lack of emotional care and attention was neither here nor there.

Oh and as op have said, it's a job fir a handwritten letter not an email. Emails are too impersonal in their typed font and can be changed and edited over and again easily whereas a letter requires more effort to get right and appears as being more from the heart. Also handwriting is very personal. Typeface is not.

*as pp have said

I'm very curious as to why you are saying 'it's too late to put right'.

Why is it too late to put right? Do you want it to be put right? Are you telling yourself that because you want permission to withdraw totally?

Your children are still very young. As a previous poster said, it only becomes too late when you, or they, are dead.

Frankly, you have years and years and years (excluding genuine tragedy) in which to 'put this right' if you want to. Really. There doesn't have to be some dramatic 'breakthrough' or magic wand quick fix. Just gradual 'presentness-with-love'. If you take baby-steps now, just think where you'll be in thirty years - if you take the baby steps.

I am also wondering if the poster who suggested undiagnosed PND as an issue has a point.

There's definitely more to this than we can help with on the internet. Do you have deep-seated fears of rejection, that stop you becoming close (even to your children)? Are you/were you deeply frightened by the idea of death/the death of loved ones? Did you have an awful/traumatic childhood yourself? Did you have a a difficult relationship with your husband?

The fact that you seem to both want to 'put this right' now, whilst simultaneoulsy phrasing it as an impossibility suggests you're still very conflicted.

I know that it is such a cliche but, yes, I suspect you need to examine it further - possibly with a counsellor.

I'm wondering what you actually mean when you say 'put things right'. I think you should think abut it. Do you mean 'build a relationship in which the children are aware that their mother feels unconditional love for them'? Do you mean 'build a relationship where I feel unconditional love for them'? Obviously, when you work out what it is you want to work towards, you will be clearer about the ethics involved and practical strategies.

I am wondering if what you want to 'put right' is their childhood. You say you've been watching the infancy of your granddaughter, and her interactions with her parents. You appear to have become aware of the pleasure of the relationship between parents and children through having vicariously watched it. This seems to be something of a revelation to you (which makes me really sad on your behalf, actually).

Obviously, it's too late to change the infancy of your children, but I think it would be a grave mistake to think that such pleasure lies only in this early period of life. Hopefully, you have many years ahead of you all in which to create and explore the pleasures of intimate, loving relationships. You need to start now, though. Not spend your life looking back at what you didn't do.

The thing is tennis sometimes there is a time for using words casually with no particular thought, and sometimes it is better to choose your words carefully.

A letter from the OP saying sorry for how she never really liked or been close to her children, sorry that she thought the DS would never cope as a father (but he has) and sorry that she paid no interest in what Uni the DD went to, etc etc but now wants to rebuild a relationship, is probably a time to choose your words very carefully indeed.

Often we search for the big moment that will make things right, whereas it's the smaller micro acts that move things forward and build human connections. So, as other posters have suggested, write DS an honest, heartfelt letter and send both DC regular texts/watts/fb messages. But don't expect instant healing. At this stage it doesn't sound like talking is something your DS is ready for and you need to respect that but it doesn't mean he won't be able to in the future, especially if he can see that you are really trying to build a connection. I suspect that it would mean a lot for him to know that the distance with his parents was not his fault and not due to the fact he was somehow 'unlovable'. It's never too late to start trying to make amends. There are a lot of loving years left where, with time, effort and honesty, you can hopefully forge a closer connection to DCs and see more of DGC. I hope for all of you that it's able to happen

Ollie and Boneyback I'm with you: You reap what you sow.
The op hasn't really given much explanation for why she was a distant mother, or any attempt at analysis of it. Some of us may have more sympathy if she did. PND sounds possible but does it continue for 20 years? I'm really not sure as don't know the facts of it.
Agree with pps who say that it all.seems to be about the OP and not her children. Perhaps I have little sympathy as I had such a wonderful mam and due to the heart-breaking stories of lots of mumsnetters on this thread and many others who had/ have terrible relationships with the people in life who should have your back and do everything possible to love you with every inch of their body. to those mumsnetters and the ops children.

I agree 100% with the posters saying that you need to work with a therapist to uncover why you treated your children in this way. Because without understanding, acknowledging and dealing with the reasons underlying your behaviour, you are not going to be able to truly change your behaviour - and that's what saying sorry means. It's not just words to say to get you into your sons good books so that you can see more of his children. Saying sorry means saying taking responsibility for your actions and making sure that it doesn't happen again.

Where is your husband in this? Is he on board with your wish to be reconciled with your son?

I also agree that proud is an inappropriate word to use. Admire yes, from a distance. But to take pride in your children's achievements suggests that you believe it's down to you in some way. It would put my back up.

Honest question: Do you want this for your children and yourself, or for your grandchild (and possible future grandchildren, if your daughter wants children) and yourself?

I would tread very carefully OP. I've had loads of tearful apologies over the years, complete with self pitying self flagellation and constant expressions of love, as if that excuses everything. It doesn't and, worse, nothing ever changes! The focus is always on my mother and how she feels. The intermittent confessions are always driven by her feelings of guilt and wish that we had a better relationship, and grounded in some cast-iron excuse or other for her behaviour. She never shows any interest in my life or any genuine will to change the way she behaves.

Nothing can now change the facts of your DCs' childhood when you neglected them, but you CAN have a better relationship going forwards. Deal with your guilt and regret in your own time - don't make your children wear this or expect them to solve these feelings for you. Make the most of any opportunity you get to spend time with your children, or help them. Babysitting on a regular basis that will save them money? Genuinely thoughtful birthday/ Christmas presents? Basically any sort of practical support that doesn't benefit you but is a real act of selflessness and generosity on your part. I would agree with other PPs that you should be very VERY grateful for your DIL who sounds like an angel.

I can guarantee real change in your own behaviour will go a lot further to repairing your relationship than a letter, email or in person apology which they have made very clear they don't want anyway.

I'm another poster who believes you need to make this better with actions not words. Write a letter of apology if you want, but don't expect it to change anything unless you're prepared to back it up with helpful, selfless, unobtrusive, generous, thoughtful acts of service. And don't expect things to change quickly - you'll need to prove yourself over a period of time. But I don't believe it's too late for you to be able to improve things.

Also agree with other posters that counselling or psychotherapy may help you to unpick your past behaviour and the underlying reasons for it.

Good luck OP.

OP, recognising your problem is a step.

Please, please ignore the advice to show up at your DD's uni every fortnight. I have a great relationship with my parents and would have hated that.

Op your daughter is still in uni and wouldn't have been making her choices that long ago. Why were you so disinterested? When she comes to visit now do you talk to her? Do you ask her about school? About friends?

I agree with other posters who are suggesting therapy. Have you had any sessions OP? Would you be willing to try? I'm very confused by your post where you say that you didn't enjoy the younger days and didn't enjoy them both until they were older...but then you go on to say that as recently as the last few years when they have both been adults you've taken no interest in your daughter's university plans and have been hostile to your son starting a family. If I were in your kids' position I would want to know that you are actually doing something to change before letting my guard down.

From the dc's perspective I can tell you that obtaining their email addresses from dil will just make them change their email addresses - I know I did when my NC sperm donor (he doesn't deserve the term F, let alone DF) got hold of mine - if I wanted him to have it I'd have given it to him.
I've also ignored letters, texts, phone calls and put measures in place to ensure I receive no more.
Be aware your dcs may do this - they're already setting boundaries with you (ds doesn't want to talk, dd doesn't answer texts - although she shouldn't be asking for money either) respect those boundaries.
You've got some sort of relationship with ds and dil (and I think you're bloody lucky to have that) listen to what they're telling you - if they wanted more contact/a closer relationship they'd make moves towards that.
Maybe I'm bitter because of my own past - but I've had the self serving letters - they mean nothing.
Flame away MN - but I've dealt with my past and a parent like this - all points of view are valid.

I can guarantee real change in your own behaviour will go a lot further to repairing your relationship than a letter, email or in person apology which they have made very clear they don't want anyway.
This.

I can guarantee real change in your own behaviour will go a lot further to repairing your relationship than a letter, email or in person apology which they have made very clear they don't want anyway.

YY

Sporadic letters from my mother telling me how loving and proud she is, when her behaviour always continues to express the exact opposite toward me, were just insulting and made me realise that she's never going to change as she has no flippin insight whatsoever and just likes the idea in her head that she's a loving mum. Her behaviour is not loving, or proud, or even just a kind.