To think I can't now make it right?

[AdultDCNotYoung]

I've never posted before:

As my username suggests, my children are grown up now. I have DS, 23, and DD, 19.

I admit I didn't take to parenting well. Put DS in Nursery from the age of 6 months and returned to work. That's why I waited so long to have DD because I didn't enjoy the younger days with DS.

I thought as the children got older and more indepedent I'd form better relationships with them. Don't get me wrong, I always put them first, attended all parents evenings, plays/concerts, and took time off in the holidays to look after them both. I just didn't particularly enjoy them until they were older.

As teenagers both children became distant and had little to do with me. DS preferred to shut himself in his room playing on his games than seeing us as a family, my husband liked that as he admitted to me when DS was about 15 he never wanted a boy and didn't feel he'd ever properly bonded with DS. DD was the opposite, out all the time always at various clubs or friends houses. I was never really involved, as I didn't drive it was H who took her and picked up so they developed the close relationship and I was left behind.

My DD moved to University last year, and only speaks to me now when she comes home every 6-12 weeks. She's home now and spends most of her time either working or out with friends.

With DS i got it very wrong. When he was 20 he got his then 23 year old girlfriend pregnant. I know the pregnancy wasn't planned so both H and I lost it and kicked DS out when he told us. I know now I shouldn't of, I accused him of being too young and told him he'd never cope as a father. I also reacted badly to my grandchilds name, even though I know it's a perfectly normal name and actually looking at her now the name really suits her.

2 years on, DS is married to the mother of his DD, they've just bought a house together and are expecting baby no2 at the end of the year. Both have fairly good jobs, and have taken to parenting like a duck to water. GD adores DS and DIL in a way that my DCs never adored me or H.

I see my granddaughter once a month or so, and wish I could see her more, I live round the corner from the house they've just purchased. I've tried to speak to DS but he just shuts me down and doesn't want to talk about it. I know this is competely my own fault.

I am super proud of both of my children (and my granddaughter too of course) because despite me they've both turned out well and made something of their life. I know I am very lucky that both children turned out well and neither bought trouble to my door. I just wish we had a better relationship.

They both get on with each other really well. I'm on Facebook for work and see DD regularly post photos of GD and herself together, so DD must see them ar least once a week or so.

I know there's too much time gone by to make it right with either of my children, I know I'll never be an involved grandmother. H doesn't fair much better. DD texts him maybe once a week, but rarely sees him when she's at University. DS has nothing to do with his dad.

Please do your worst with me, as that's why I posted here, I deserve it.

Admitting you were wrong and acknowledging how well he is doing would be good. But do it for him not for you. Write a letter.As you develop a relationship with your gc let him see a different person and maybe at least you will have a relationship with her.
Cant believe your dh said he never wanted a ds . Should be grateful every day he has one.
Your dil sounds nice. Make sure you trwat her well.

I love my DIL!

I've apologised to her several times for what I said when I found out she was pregnant. She's so polite, and I am grateful I get to see GD.

Agree with PPs. You can't make the past right but you can be honest and apologise to both your dcs for your bad parenting.

However don't expect or hope that an apology will change anything. That is not your right here. Live your own life happily. Enjoy the little contact you do have with your dcs and dgc. Show them you love them all and tell your ds what a wonderful dad he is. But don't say this expecting any pay back in terms of contact.

My father treated me in a very similar way, in fact, he was probably much worse....I still talk to him and he still sees my children, not regularly but often enough. I am deeply hurt, as I suspect your DC are inside, and your DS has clearly learnt from his own experience how he can be a good parent (so this is a silver lining)

What would it take for things to make things better, honestly?

With your son:
A heartfelt apology face to face
A conversation as to WHY you felt the way you did (there maybe reasons for why you could connect)
Your hopes of making things better from now, real action how you could be there now
Making a HUGE effort with your grandchildren

Your daughter:

You need to drive/take the train/find a way to the university and take her out somewhere quiet. She deserves the same apology
You need to start visiting every fortnight with food, gifts, and little things to make her feel loved
You need to say why you couldn't look after her as well as you could when she was younger
You need to tell her how proud of her you are and how much you love her.

be prepared for them to be honest and angry. You need to remain loving in the face of what might be a day of reckoning.

If you can do all of this, and I know it will be hard, you have some chance of mending broken bridges, or certainly stop the rot.

Be there unconditionally now.

There is still time to be a great parent.

Apologising with no expectation would be a good start.

I'm sorry to hear this, AdultDCNotYoung, it sounds as if your children are protecting themselves from you now that they are adult and can do that.

I think a letter, as other posters have said, is very much the way to go. It's less 'in your face' and can be read and re-read in their own time. Draft a letter to both your son and your daughter and make sure that it says everything you need it to because you'll only have one chance at it.

Parents fuck up. Even the perfect ones on here.

Very often on mumsnet you have threads about toxic parents and how people are still suffering many years on so I think it's never too late to apologise and be honest about what you have realised and regret.
I'd agree with others saying write each a letter being open and honest, let it up to them where you go from there. But give it your best shot and be ready to build a relationship from scratch .

Sorry but what I get from your posts are that you only want a relationship with your DC because you want to see more of your GC

It's never too late but it's going to be hard.

Do everything you can to make sure that both your children know that you love them, that you know you haven't been the best parent, that you are sorry you weren't supportive of DS when he needed you, that you will do your very best to support them both (and their families) from now on. Let it be in their time and on their terms, but keep extending invitations, welcoming where you can, being openly grateful for the relationship you do still have, such as it is. Tell DS how proud you are of his parenting and that you don't want to undermine that.

Most of all, what will help is persevering. They're going to expect that you might let them down again. The only way to prove you won't is not to give up.

I hope it's not too late to build bridges OP. Be brave & tell your children how you feel.

I can't help thinking that this is only to see more of your GD.

The fact that neither of them have a good relationship with their dad either is telling though.

Your DIL sounds great-make the most of it.

You need to make sure it doesnt come across as apologising so you get more access to gc. Make sure it comes across as you said here.

You can only ask to resolve this. Dont push. Be grateful for the time you do get with gc.

I agree with PP, I would give anything for an honest & open discussion with my DM & for her to admit and apologise for any mistakes she feels that she had made. Would go a massive way to building some bridges - never too late.

I think a letter sounds like a great idea. You can explain and they can take their time reading it.

I've talked about childhood issues with my mum and she never understood how I felt then but she does now and we get on so much better now.

Good luck. Hopefully you can repair some of this.

I feel very sorry for you. You sound as if you had very low self-esteem and no confidence in your ability to be a good parent, so you mentally absented yourself. Of course that will have been hurtful for your children and you are right to acknowledge that, but it doesn't mean you can't ever build build bridges. Just tell them - both your DS and your DD - what you've written here. Don't expect instant World's best Grandma status, but if you tell your DS what a great job you think he's doing of parenting and how wrong you were to judge, surely he won't hold it against you for ever? We're none of us perfect. I gre up knowing my DB was the golden child and I was definitely less favoured. It's had its consequences but even I can see that my mother is really trying harder now that I have kids of my own.

What is it you want from them?

Sounds like you want to be the type of grandparent that only comes organically from being close to your adult children.

Are you actually interested in doing some parenting now (because it's not too late for that) or are you just interested in grand-parenting?

You need to start visiting every fortnight with food, gifts, and little things to make her feel loved

No, just no.

By the way I do think you have been very brave to admit all of this, and this bravery and honesty may just help you get your dc back.

Better late than never is all I would say.

Oh op. Yes it was bad. But it's so heartbreaking to see someone so genuinely remorseful.

You've held your hands up and admitted you were wrong. Fair play to you. You've also apologised to your dil. Again I don't often see that.

I agree with the pp. a letter is probably the best way. Give you Ds time to read and digest in his own space.

I'm afraid there is no easy way. You can only keep doing what you're doing - being the best grandmother you can be and let your Ds know you're sorry.

It may take years for him to open up and trust you. But the good signs are he's not cut you off. There's still hope. Keep fighting

Tbh, it does sound rather as if it's either your granddaughter, or the fact that your son has confounded your expectations and 'turned out well', or a combination of both that makes you want to be in on their lives. It sounds as if you want in on the loving, happy family life you denied your ds in particular. I understand why your ds doesn't want to know.

The tone of your post is quite cold and disengaged. I agree that writing a letter would be a good first step, but try not to say things about not having 'enjoyed' them or about them having 'turned out well' (which latter makes your love and interest sound conditional).

You say you have tried to tall and text.

But what have you actully done?

If your dd and ds see eachother every week she clearly makes the effort to see them.

What actual effort have you put in?

Why did you kick him out after he got his gf pregnant? What reasoning was behind rejecting him and making him effectively homeless? How was that going to help the situation?

For the posters leaping on the 'it's because you want more of your granddaughter' thing, OP wants a relationship with her daughter also as well as her son. I don't read OP as being focused on her grandchild, just her own children, both of them.

I don't think that OP should try to bounce in to see son and daughter every week, it's just too soon. They need space and they need to know why their mum has been this way when they were children. They need time to digest that - and then OP may be able to spend more time with them but it needs to be on their terms, not OP pushing for this.

I'm sorry for your predicament AdultDC in that you now see the results your actions and behaviour and obviously have regrets, and I am sorry for your children as they must have had quite a sad childhood.

I don't have good relationships with my parents as they are both damaged/ flawed people very caught up in themselves and never should have had children, especially with each other, so I can relate.

I agree that a letter/ email or a chat saying sorry will do no harm, IF and only IF, the apology is heartfelt and doesn't end with wanting something from your children.

It should be a meaningful apology for the lack of love you perceive you showed and harm caused to them etc, and what can you do to help your children feel better. Right now, they may think nothing can be done, so be prepared for it to take time.

But a heartfelt apology - not defending - can be a start. By all means explain, but makes sure it doesn't come across as thinking what you did was right or OK, or no big deal.

You have to then show that you can back up your words withs action and show that you are no the same as before - that can be the really hard part. The saying 'actions speak louder than words' does not exist for nothing.

I have had various degrees of apology or expressions of regret from my parents for various things, but nothing really changes. I think their actual regret is that things aren't the way they want them. That they care about theirdisappointment. My dad is particularly liek this. It actually doesn't much matter what I want or don't want or what upsets me. its really all about them. AdultDC you have to think whether this is the case for you.

If I am honest then yes you could have done a much better job and it is not surprising that DS is not interested in a relationship. But if you don't bother to try now than you are no better than you were 15-20 years ago.
When I was young, my mum was rather violent. We were slapped, punched, kicked and shouted at on what felt like a weekly basis at least. We were on egg shells constantly. My mum was shouty and I am often too shouty with mine. The difference with me and my kids is I have the awareness and I try so hard not to shout and when I do I apologise.
Despite this I have a good relationship with my mum now. She got some help and started to make an effort when we were teens and although I wouldn't say we are close, we get on very well. You need to try and make things right.