To think I can't now make it right?

[AdultDCNotYoung]

I've never posted before:

As my username suggests, my children are grown up now. I have DS, 23, and DD, 19.

I admit I didn't take to parenting well. Put DS in Nursery from the age of 6 months and returned to work. That's why I waited so long to have DD because I didn't enjoy the younger days with DS.

I thought as the children got older and more indepedent I'd form better relationships with them. Don't get me wrong, I always put them first, attended all parents evenings, plays/concerts, and took time off in the holidays to look after them both. I just didn't particularly enjoy them until they were older.

As teenagers both children became distant and had little to do with me. DS preferred to shut himself in his room playing on his games than seeing us as a family, my husband liked that as he admitted to me when DS was about 15 he never wanted a boy and didn't feel he'd ever properly bonded with DS. DD was the opposite, out all the time always at various clubs or friends houses. I was never really involved, as I didn't drive it was H who took her and picked up so they developed the close relationship and I was left behind.

My DD moved to University last year, and only speaks to me now when she comes home every 6-12 weeks. She's home now and spends most of her time either working or out with friends.

With DS i got it very wrong. When he was 20 he got his then 23 year old girlfriend pregnant. I know the pregnancy wasn't planned so both H and I lost it and kicked DS out when he told us. I know now I shouldn't of, I accused him of being too young and told him he'd never cope as a father. I also reacted badly to my grandchilds name, even though I know it's a perfectly normal name and actually looking at her now the name really suits her.

2 years on, DS is married to the mother of his DD, they've just bought a house together and are expecting baby no2 at the end of the year. Both have fairly good jobs, and have taken to parenting like a duck to water. GD adores DS and DIL in a way that my DCs never adored me or H.

I see my granddaughter once a month or so, and wish I could see her more, I live round the corner from the house they've just purchased. I've tried to speak to DS but he just shuts me down and doesn't want to talk about it. I know this is competely my own fault.

I am super proud of both of my children (and my granddaughter too of course) because despite me they've both turned out well and made something of their life. I know I am very lucky that both children turned out well and neither bought trouble to my door. I just wish we had a better relationship.

They both get on with each other really well. I'm on Facebook for work and see DD regularly post photos of GD and herself together, so DD must see them ar least once a week or so.

I know there's too much time gone by to make it right with either of my children, I know I'll never be an involved grandmother. H doesn't fair much better. DD texts him maybe once a week, but rarely sees him when she's at University. DS has nothing to do with his dad.

Please do your worst with me, as that's why I posted here, I deserve it.

For the posters leaping on the 'it's because you want more of your granddaughter' thing, OP wants a relationship with her daughter also as well as her son. I don't read OP as being focused on her grandchild, just her own children, both of them

Yes but why does she want a relationship now with her adult children?
Is it because she actually likes them and their time spend together is enjoyable
or because she's seeking forgiveness from them
or because her son having a DD has nailed home that her lack of relationship with them also excludes her from a close grandparenting relationship?

I think it's worth breaking down what it is she wants from her adult children, and why.

Personally if I knew someon 19 years and they didn't particularly enjoy my company thus far, I'ld wanna ask why they wanted to see more or me?

I had a really toxic relationship with both my parents growing up. It mainly stemmed from them hating each other but taking it out on us. We all suffered from emotional and some physical abuse from them. I was so happy to leave home and they spilt up and have become (relatively) happier people but have left irreparable damage to all five of us (now grown up children).
To both my parents' credit they have since apologised for being shit parents but blame each other and don't take any real responsibility. I've tried to forgive and move on but sometimes I remember how shit they made me feel and the times I contemplated suicide as I was so unhappy. In fact it was the love I had for my younger siblings that kept me going. I am still very close to them now.
Anyway, I keep them both in my life for the sake of my younger siblings and my DC. But I don't think I'll ever forgive them and just see them as people in my life and nothing more. I am lucky that I have a wonderful DP and friends that have supported me and helped me get through it.
I'm sorry OP that this post is so doom and gloom and I feel sad typing this. However, accepting responsibility is always the first step and it looks like you are doing this. It'll take time but maybe your children will come round. I'm a bitter so and so which is why it's so hard for me to.

I think a first step would be listening to the DCs wishes/needs and not just the OPs

The adult son has said that he does not want to re-hash the past, so sending him a letter about it after he said he didn't want to talk about it, would mean that the letter would be all about what the OP needs and ignoring what the adult son wants/needs!

If DS and DIL were struggling would you still be so interested in wanting to be a part of their lives?

I probably should of tried and harder with them both when they were younger.

I do not just want more access to my gd, it wouldn't be fair to her, she's about to go through the massive change of having a sibling I think throwing me into her life more could upset her. I try and make her visits her relaxed and about her. I take her to the park, or we watch cartoons or play with whatever toys she brings with her, she's such a lovely little girl and I wish I'd done more things with my own children when they were her age.

Is it worth asking DIL for both DS and DDs email addresses? I do want to tell them how proud I am and how I love them. I always loved them but don't think I was very good at showing it. Strangely enough my own mother was the opposite, was very child focused and I remmeber my own childhood being fun and I adore my mum now and get on well with her.

If your daughter does not even respond to your text messages then you have done a lot wrong. You really need to analyse your past actions more closely

Yes if DS came to me with a problem I'd be very happy to help, however I could. I regret saying he would be a bad father, he's always been brilliant with younger children, from the day his sister was born he's looked after her probably better than I ever did.

Is it worth asking DIL for both DS and DDs email addresses? I do want to tell them how proud I am and how I love them

YOU want to tell them that, but if THEY wanted you to have their email addresses, you'ld have that

I think it does sound like your want to have them hear about your feelings is right now trumping whether or not they want to hear it, which I don't think they do from what you've said, so you would be selfish to keep pushing them into being your audience

maybe you need to talk about how you feel about them and that's fine but they don't have to listen, they don't actually owe you anything.

OP, you need to tell them all of this. You need to reach them. They deserve to hear that you are sorry. Find a way.

I also don't think that you can really tell someone they are loved if the evidence isn't present.
You have either shown it or you haven't
They either feel loved or they don't.
Telling them you love them when perhaps they don't feel loved by you at best is pointless, at worst is going to annoy them.

OP, you need to tell them all of this. You need to reach them. They deserve to hear that you are sorry. Find a way

Really? her son has said that he doesn't want to talk about it
Do his wishes not mean anything?

I do want to tell them how proud

I wouldnt. Tbh how they turned out has little to do with you and makes it sound like you only want to bother with then now they have turnes out well.

Have you really thought how painful being thrown out was? And the your subsequent behaviour. And your judgement he would be a shit dad, when you werent a decemt parent yourself.

Think about your GD. Can you imagine throwing her out in 18 years? At a time she needs her family most? Throwing judgements on how she will damage that child by being a shit parent.

Or can you imagine her growing up in a house where its clear neither parent likes her? And would prefer her to stay in her room?

Saying 'now i see what a good parent/husband you are and that you have a decent job.....i feel proud' is a kick in the teeth. He did all that on his own. In spite of you and your husband

If your daughter does not even respond to your text messages then you have done a lot wrong.
Well, I guess if this poster has teenagers she has been v lucky! - many 19 year olds don't answer texts well, this in itself shouldn't be seen as strong evidence of anything.
I think there's a lot of projection going on on this thread. The OP is putting her hands up and saying she made mistakes, but she certainly isn't the worst parent ever. She did her best at the time, no parents are perfect, they're just people. Certainly the stuff around her DS becoming a dad merits a sincere apology, but otherwise, there are probably many people who behave a lot worse and think they did great.
I'd email him OP, it will give him time to mull over what you've said without being forced to reply, and even tho he's said he doesn't want to discuss it, thats probably because he's worried things will be like when you last discussed this, and has no idea that you feel so much remorse.
Tell him you're sorry, and impressed and proud of the man he has become, but that you just want him to know, you expect nothing from him. Maybe mention it to DIL beforehand, she may be able to gently encourage him to accept that you have really changed your attitude.

OP, you need to tell them all of this. You need to reach them. They deserve to hear that you are sorry. Find a way

Not if they dont want to. They owe the OP nothing. They certainly dont have to leave themseleves open to more hurt.

I agree with Spartacus , your DS has been a good parent despite you not because of you. "Proud" is misguided and insulting.

Personally I think you need to give both DCs more time and space. You are very lucky that your DiL is gracious enough to keep the lines of communication open and allows you to see your GC. I think that any pressure at all on your DS or DD will backfire and that you need to respect their boundaries and wait for them to come to you. They know where you are and when they are ready they will come (or too much damage done and they wont). I know its hard and that you want to make things right but you can only do that when they are ready. A letter is a good idea but no more than that. Keep your DiL onside and be patient.

WRITE.A.LETTER

As suggested in the first reply. Express your regret. Express your pleasure and delight at how they've made their good lives. Express your love. Do not make excuses, do not even give reasons. Just say sorry.

Then leave it. Let the conceppts float into your children's brains. Let them decide how they want to respond and when, if they do.

Never mention it to them. They'll talk of it if they want to.

As someone who has some... issues with my mother, (not NC, in fact she's rarely off the phone to me, but our relationship isn't what you'd term good.), and as a mum myself i'm seeing both sides here.

I agree that if you go on about how proud you are of them then it'd just look like you're trying to take credit for the fact they've turned out that way.

However I also agree that saying you're sorry and trying to explain why your actions were what they were may go a long way.

Whatever you do. Don't make it about the grandkids though. DS in particular WILL clam up if he thinks you're only in on this for his kids.

And I'd write a proper letter. Anyone can send an email. A handwritten letter means you've taken the time to think it out, and you've bothered to go and post it. Not just clicked send and forgotten about it.

OP it's never too late. Never. Even if there's a tiny chance. You need to tell them how you feel. Good luck.

Personally I think you need to give both DCs more time and space.
^ this

Show that you are listening to and respecting their wishes! That'ld be a good start.

Not fair to put DIL in that position.

Leaf print same with my dad. It's more he's lonely (through his own actions) and is bitter.

A very honest and heartfelt apology would go a long way. You have an advantage over many parents who can't see they've done anything wrong. Have you told your son how proud you are of him? It's never too late to communicate how much you love them.

Kicking your son out is close to unforgivable, you are lucky your DIL is able to accommodate you. I'm non contact with my in laws for a similar experience, but they've not tried to apologise or acknowledge we've done a good job without them nearly 8 years later - MIL was convinced she'd end up bringing up the child - DH was 30 (I was 27) and MIL was almost 70 when DD was born. MIL is now very poorly and we moved away from them when it happened. The kids see them every few months as DH has a misguided sense of loyalty and poor memory. It would take a lot to forgive but a sincere apology, explanation and acknowledgement of our success would make a big difference.

As a parent I can understand your feelings when the kids were small. I find it tough and am struggling. I m waiting for the time I start enjoying them more, late primary school age maybe. I hope I don't miss the boat to secure a strong bond as you seem to have done. Parenting is bloody hard.

I actually prefer letters for this sort of thing adultDC.

I use my email for all sorts of things and don;t want emotional things showing up at random. With a letter you can work out who it is from and put it to one side to read at a time of your choosing. That isn't so easy with email.

Also I agree with others that making up through your GC might really grate with your own DC. I realise your update has said you will not be pushing for more time with her.

As others have also said, if your relationship with your DC is to be fixed it will be be though showing you like and love them not your GC.

My own parents don't actually like me it seems - oh they say they do and stuff but really when you add up what they actually say and do and how they criticise and accuse right when I need help (and am totally blameless eg illness or things beyond my control), they don't actually like or respect me at all... they don't even know who I am!! I suppose they think I am like them. I try in every way not to be like them and think I mostly suceed.

So, yeah liking and respecting your children for who they are is pretty fundamental. I would imagine your son feels much as I do but more raw for him as I am older. I think it takes an awful lot to forgive really deep betrayals and maybe sometimes they shouldn't be forgiven, just put behind you.

I think you should write them an old fashioned letter. I think to your son you should say that you deeply regret your lack of support when his girlfriend was pregnant. That you were wrong and you apologise from the bottom of your heart. Tell him you admire everything about him and DIL and think they are fantastic parents and are rearing a wonderful child.

Don't ask for anything. Don't ask for forgiveness or for him to see you more or anything. Just say a heartfelt sorry and tell him who great you think he is.

Then say that he should know that you have learned a hard lesson and if he ever needs anything from you now or in the future- anything at all - you will be there for him.

Your dh should do the same.

For your dd I don't know. Some of her behaviour seems normal enough - my son, who had I think a pretty good childhood and who loves me and enjoys my company, probably wouldn't contact me while away at uni and is out all the time when home. Maybe tell her in a letter or text that you love her and are proud of her.

Well well done you for reassessing your life and trying to make up for past wrongs. As others have said - write a letter but then leave it at that. I think your children would deeply appreciate the thought and it would help them process their childhood. Anything else that comes from it is a bonus