To think I can't now make it right?

[AdultDCNotYoung]

I've never posted before:

As my username suggests, my children are grown up now. I have DS, 23, and DD, 19.

I admit I didn't take to parenting well. Put DS in Nursery from the age of 6 months and returned to work. That's why I waited so long to have DD because I didn't enjoy the younger days with DS.

I thought as the children got older and more indepedent I'd form better relationships with them. Don't get me wrong, I always put them first, attended all parents evenings, plays/concerts, and took time off in the holidays to look after them both. I just didn't particularly enjoy them until they were older.

As teenagers both children became distant and had little to do with me. DS preferred to shut himself in his room playing on his games than seeing us as a family, my husband liked that as he admitted to me when DS was about 15 he never wanted a boy and didn't feel he'd ever properly bonded with DS. DD was the opposite, out all the time always at various clubs or friends houses. I was never really involved, as I didn't drive it was H who took her and picked up so they developed the close relationship and I was left behind.

My DD moved to University last year, and only speaks to me now when she comes home every 6-12 weeks. She's home now and spends most of her time either working or out with friends.

With DS i got it very wrong. When he was 20 he got his then 23 year old girlfriend pregnant. I know the pregnancy wasn't planned so both H and I lost it and kicked DS out when he told us. I know now I shouldn't of, I accused him of being too young and told him he'd never cope as a father. I also reacted badly to my grandchilds name, even though I know it's a perfectly normal name and actually looking at her now the name really suits her.

2 years on, DS is married to the mother of his DD, they've just bought a house together and are expecting baby no2 at the end of the year. Both have fairly good jobs, and have taken to parenting like a duck to water. GD adores DS and DIL in a way that my DCs never adored me or H.

I see my granddaughter once a month or so, and wish I could see her more, I live round the corner from the house they've just purchased. I've tried to speak to DS but he just shuts me down and doesn't want to talk about it. I know this is competely my own fault.

I am super proud of both of my children (and my granddaughter too of course) because despite me they've both turned out well and made something of their life. I know I am very lucky that both children turned out well and neither bought trouble to my door. I just wish we had a better relationship.

They both get on with each other really well. I'm on Facebook for work and see DD regularly post photos of GD and herself together, so DD must see them ar least once a week or so.

I know there's too much time gone by to make it right with either of my children, I know I'll never be an involved grandmother. H doesn't fair much better. DD texts him maybe once a week, but rarely sees him when she's at University. DS has nothing to do with his dad.

Please do your worst with me, as that's why I posted here, I deserve it.

You need to drive/take the train/find a way to the university and take her out somewhere quiet. She deserves the same apology
You need to start visiting every fortnight with food, gifts, and little things to make her feel loved

DO NOT DO THIS!^^

This happened to me. Admittedly my father was abusive rather than just disinterested but he did this - just turned up at my university to 'apologise' and chat to me and it sent me into a tailspin for weeks! University was my safe place, my space to be in control and him turning up unannounced and changing that had a massive (and negative) effect on me! I spent the next week sleeping on friend's floors and hanging out in bars rather than going home as I felt so violated. It really fucked with my head. I knew even then that it was him being selfish and deciding that I had to listen to him when he was ready rather than waiting until I was ready, it had nothing to do with what was best for me. I wasn't even in when he visited! My blood still runs cold at the thought of it. I've never seen him since and that was 20 years ago.

The letter is a much better idea.

This is such a sad thread 😞

I have no bond with my mother.
Nothing she can say can change that.
Not because I'm a vindictive vengeful bitch - but because the groundwork isn't there.

I can objective feel sorry for her losing her mother as a child, for the PND I believe she had, for her MH issues... and see how all that, and the impact it had on me, was not all "her fault".

I don't feel anything for her. I just don't. She was either emotionally absent or mean to me as a child, with some fairly poor behaviour to me as an adult too.

I had a message a while ago that for about a minute I read incorrectly and thought she was very gravely ill. I realised that I felt instantly very sorry for my sister who is close to her. But not at all upset myself.

You can't force a connection that isn't there.

That said, I'd manage a bit of duty driven contact that might lead to us establishing a non parent-(adult)child relationship (a minor friendship?) if she was capable of acknowledging it was all rather shit and saying she wished it were otherwise

sparticus said it before i could but i was thinking 'proud' really is the wrong word.

Op, your posts come across really 'oh woe is me' when your son is the one who was kicked out by his own parents when he came to them in a time of need- for Christ sake they were 20 and 23 not teenagers what were you thinking!?

I think you need to forget about feeling sorry for yourself and start thinking seriously about how your son must have felt when this happened to him.

And then to complain about the name they chose.. i mean shit!

Adnerb95
We're rooting for you OP!

The OP needs to far more concern for her children's feelings before I start to actively root for her.

It will only be too late when you're dead.

I would:

1. Apologise. Take whatever they say on the chin. Admit your faults. Don't make excuses. Just accept it and say sorry.

1. Be there for them. Send your dd a letter at uni every now and then. Ask if there's anything she'd like to do when she comes home for the hols, go for a meal or cinema or shopping. Treat her if you can afford it. Take an interest in her friends but don't dig about boys.

1. Praise your dil massively. She was young too, she's made a success of her home, dc and relationship. Praise her frequently for what she's done for your gd and Ds.

1. Don't turn any request fur help down. Prioritise your dcs even if it means cancelling something you had on. (Unless uncancellable eg wedding or hospital appt etc, but if it's something you can move to another day like coffee with a friend, move it and don't tell your dc. Any request should get met with "of course, I'd love to!" You weren't always there for them growing up so you do have something owing there.

1. Ask your ds and his dil round for dinner more and make sure you are most welcoming.

You have done bridges to build but with perseverance it will happen.

But it starts with "I'm sorry".

My mum was not there much growing up. She wouldn't have thrown me out but she would have been entirely unsympathetic and I would have been made to feel a failure. Other than that she made a lot of mistakes. She has worked hard to get the relationship back on track now I'm (much) older.

I second what Blatherskite says... really don't just appear without invitation - not to your daughter or your son. You really need to handle this carefully and be guided by what they want, not by what you want and how you feel.

You've tried talking directly and that isn't working (for your son). Your daughter's not answering texts so the only thing to do is write a really heartfelt letter and leave it in their hands.

On the plus side, you already have contact with your DIL and granddaughter and your son is aware of this. Take care not to use DIL as a go-between, just make your own relationship with her however much on the periphery it is. Offer to help with shopping or whatever else she might need as she's pregnant now but don't push.

Just determined kindness and thoughtfulness - on the periphery - without expectation. That's how I think you need to do this. If it has a good outcome then that would be incredible - but if not, then at least your children will know how sorry you are and how much you love them.

My experience of some very unhappy and damaged youngsters is that what most truly want is unconditional love, pride and acceptance by their parents - particularly their mother. I don't think it's too late but if you are going to make it OK you have to commit and not give up on them again.
It's entirely possible you had undiagnosed postnatal depression which restricted your ability to bond effectively.
A letter saying what you've said here, complete and total honesty with humility might go some way. Acknowledging their success and your pride will help. It won't be a miracle cure but it is something to build on.

On the plus side, you already have contact with your DIL and granddaughter and your son is aware of this.

throwing ideas out there, but this may not be as positive a thing as you believe, this could be causing issues between them or even resentment with the relationship being built with the gc.

and before anyone says that would be petty of him, this is someone that has almost no relationship with their parents,

It would be interesting to know what your interactions are like with your children now.

FWIW I think plenty of people are crap parents. That doesn't make it right, of course. I know a woman whose son lives away - she won't visit him and says it's up to him to visit her. Now I don't understand that - I think as a parent you have to accept for a lot of the time that you have to make more effort.

Do you make much effort with your children, OP? Do you text? Do you tell them little things that have happened in your day? Are you interested in them? Do you know their friends, or know about them? Do you know how they spend their days? Do you know their worries and what makes them happy?

It's interesting you say that you didn't enjoy your children until they were older, yet by their teenage years they wanted nothing to do with you. Now that's normal to an extent - we all know of a teenager who stays in his/her room all the time, but you liked them by the point. Why didn't you have a better relationship with them? Did you take their needs into account?

I can understand the fury of an unexpected pregnancy - regardless of what people think, in these days of free contraception this would be worrying. But your son was 20! And his girlfriend was lovely! That's not the same as the local thug getting your 14 year old daughter pregnant! And to object to the baby's name - god, that takes really poor social skills to do that. Don't you know that the only response when someone tells you a baby name is, "That's lovely"? Even if you then say, "Have you considered X,Y,Z?" then you must say their choice is great. EVERYONE knows that!

You sound very distant from your emotions. Have you ever suffered with depression?

What's your relationship with your husband like? I wouldn't have a relationship with him after he said that about my son - how did you respond?

I had a very poor relationship with my mum. She left when I was 3, then continued to act as if nothing had happened. We saw her once a week, never ever anymore. She didn't ever take us on holiday, buy any clothes, toys etc. and she never explained once, why.

She died when she was only 60 and I feel much anger, that she never sat me down or sent me a letter telling me WHY or say SORRY. Her behaviour effected me hugely, I'm 51 now and it still upsets me.

Please OP, wrote a letter to both of your children. Explaining how sorry you are. And tell them that you know they may not be ready to accept the apology, but you want to say it, so they know you are very, very sorry.

to graphista and all those hurt by their parents. And hugs

OP I'm findyour updates very revealing, and not in a good way.

OP you took no interest in which Uni your DD went to? Then you are proud of all she did? Really proud is not at all right. Amazed, inspired in awe, (secretly annoyed?) but proud, no. That is a completely wrong use of the word as Lying said.

Both your DC have achieved things desptie you not because of you. And if your DD doesn't talk to you much while she's at Uni, well it doesn't sound that surprising. She must also feel very hurt and she doesn't deserve it.

DO NOT turn up at Uni. Do not pester and invade their lives. Do not try to access your DS through his wife. If they choose to accept your apology they will let you know if there is anything they want from you. Don't let them down again.

I think some times it's easier to be a grandparent as you don't have the responsibility my dad's a fab grandparent always giving lifts when needed getting treats in for the grandchildren he was a great dad too but he does things for his grandchildren he never did for me and my sister because he's able to now as he's retired , I would start by saying you love them and you are proud of them and go from their

Op

Why weren't you interested in your daughters uni choices?

What were your feelings towards her?

In your shoes I would seek therapy so that you can explore yourself further and understand where your actions came from.

I disagree with a poster who said 19yo ignore texts. Perhaps a few but there seems to be no relationship there.

A 19 yo girl needs her mother, she really does.

Op I suspect your relationship with your own mother was no picnic

Does you husband regret any of his actions?

And the op can take some credit for the way her children have managed to make a success of themselves.

There is no smoke without fire though and childhood trauma often comes back to bite us when we least expect it. Late 20s early 30s

leafprint, thanks but you need to credit Sparticus with that. I thought that 'proud' was the right word. I still think it is because that's what each child wants to hear from their parents. I never thought that it would 'grate' but perhaps it would?

op . my adice ot you is that you need counselling. i say this as a child of the kind of mother you are although not only was she indifferent she was abusive and colluded in abuse by my step father.
i cut contact many years ago. she sent me some weird facebook message sort of saying sort of sorry - nothing real - it added insult to injury.

my advice to you is sort YOU out first. speak to someone about why you feel so detched and why your were so unsupportive or your children.

then IF you are sorry - and only IF you are TRULY sorry - build bridges. a proper apology. a letter. to both of them. not some half arsed facebook message or an embarrassed mumbled apology on GDs birthday or something.
a proper letter and sit down chat if thats what they want. if not - a letter.

i wont have contact again with my mother. its been years now anyway and i would imagine the next communication i get will be from my cousin when she dies. i think, im 45 now, my dd is 20, our last contact was when dd was 3.
i bear her no ill will at all. i just dont want contact. i dont need it. i dont want it. she never said sorry, not properly.

You need to get counselling and throw yourself into it! Deal with the issues that have caused you to reject your children. It is the only way forward.

Yes I also think you need to fully apologise to your kids. Your only purpose in apologising should be to alleviate any self blame that they are harbouring because of your behaviour. They may never respond in the way that you'd like, but at least you'll be doing the right thing by them.

Out of this may emerge a closer relationship, but this shouldn't be your motive behind an apology.

You sound like you're on the right path though. I hope things work out well for you all

Sorry, yes sparticus said proud was wrong and I agree. It is a commonly used word but often mis-used as sparticus said.

Lying and quite the problem with proud is if the relationship has broken down to this extent then proud can seem to be a word of ownership, that appropriates the DC's acheivements as something to do with her. I can imagine they feel protective over what they achieved despite the OP. I know I do in my situation, and the OP was very clear that she thought the son would be a bad father. NO ambiguity there.

Also quite a 19 year old girl may need a mother, a kind and loving mother.... but I'm not sure she needs the OP as a mother; whose admission that she took no interest in the DD's uni choice, is surely the tip of the iceberg.

This debate over the word 'proud' is a bit pedantic. People express pride in all sorts of stuff that they have some vague association with. Look online, there are surveys on what the British are proud of, I think if people are proud of Shakespeare, and the queen, its reasonable to say you're proud of your child:

www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/15818806
In this case, the definition doesn't really cover the way its commonly used.

I agree that if there's any ambiguity, the OP may wish to avoid the word, but people forgive all kinds of neglect - this is a woman who looked after her children fully in practical terms, took them to activities, attended school events.

I believe the state ends foster care for people at 18, so they expect people to make their own way in the world well before 20; the OPs behaviour was not ideal, but its not total neglect of small children either - let's keep a sense of proportion.

This debate over the word 'proud' is a bit pedantic.
It's really not! words can be a kick in the teeth!

So she did the bare minimum, fed them and got them from A to B, so whats the problem with being raised by someone who doesn't enjoy having you around hmm?

QuiteLikely5
And the op can take some credit for the way her children have managed to make a success of themselves.

Is that from the book of 'tough love' parenting?

I don't think it's ever too late to make it right when it comes to family. Whether we admit it to ourselves or not most of us crave close relationships with our parents and I suspect your DS tends to shut down when you broach the subject simply as a means of self-preservation because he has been hurt by you in the past. That does not mean the damage can't be remedied, but it will take a lot of time, patience and persistence on your part to rebuild that trust and form a bond. If I were DS and had read your post I would find it very difficult not to want to explore the possibility of rebuilding a relationship with you - we all long to have our parents tell us they love us and are proud of us. Forgiveness won't come quickly though and as he is now an adult you need to treat him as such as respect that he has his own family and conduct the relationship on his terms rather than trying to "mother" him. I agree with the idea of writing a letter but at the end of it maybe ask if he would mind if you came over some time or called him just to talk about it once he has digested the content to see how he feels. Explain there is no pressure on him and you don't want to make him uncomfortable but that you feel you owe him an apology and an explanation and that you want to give him the opportunity to explain to you how he feels about everything, even if he's angry and says some nasty things - you might have to sit there and hear some pretty harsh things but airing these things can only help in the long term. I think explaining the fact that you struggled with motherhood NOT because of them or anything they did but simply because you weren't able to cope with it at the time and that if you could do things again now you would do things differently could do some good. Reiterate how proud you are of them both and hold your hands up to your failings and see if they might be willing to open their lives to you now, in whatever capacity they would like.

"Is it worth asking DIL for both DS and DDs email addresses? I do want to tell them how proud I am and how I love them. I always loved them but don't think I was very good at showing it."

Send them letters. Hand written letters, on nice paper. Yes, tell them you love them, tell them you're proud of them, tell them you're sorry and especially that it wasn't ever their fault ... that they are great! Tell them (as you've told us) that you are not asking for anything, that you just want them to know.

Tell them it's okay not to reply, then post the letters registered post (so you don't then have to evermore worry that whether they did or didn't arrive).