To be fuming with DSIS???

[K1092902]

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

Poor you OP. (Ignoring goady twitters upthread).

I think gwenstaceyrocks had a good point upthread, your DSD might not be feeling strong enough to be the source of a fairly public rift at the moment so it might be worth sounding her out about it.

TBH I think your "D"SIS sounds like a naive, unkind and judgemental piece of work and I wouldn't want to be involved with her if she felt able to behave like that. You should ask her whether it's more important to maintain a veneer of "not condoning teenage pregnancy" than it is to support a family member she's supposed to be close to?

Good luck, sounds like you're having a rough old time and well done for being so supportive of your DSD.

*twitters should be twattery

OP, I think you're a wonderful stepmum. I read your other thread and I'm glad your DH has calmed down a bit. I'm also impressed with the strength of character your DSD is showing. Your DSis...not so much, and I'm not sure your DM has covered herself in glory either tbh.

I can't really be doing with weddings - they seem disproportionately important to too many people compared with the actual marriage, and this is a perfect example. I hope you can talk to your DSis face to face in a way that makes her realise how foolish she's being in insulting her family like this for nothing more than superficial appearances. Can't be seen to be 'condoning teenage pregnancy' indeed? Who exactly does she imagine is looking to her for moral guidance??

I agree with pp that you should boycott the whole thing, but I feel sad for your DD, who was probably excited. Shocking that in the 21st century women are still being shamed and shunned like this. Very sad. YANBU.

My sister got married 20 years ago & me & our younger sister were bridesmaids.

Dsis2 was 16 - And 13 weeks pregnant. She kept fainting throughout the day.

When you look st the wedding pics it's obvious she was ill but it meant so much for dsis1 to have her on the wedding.

The bride doesn't want a pregnant bridesmaid - that's her prerogative.

To be honest if OP and her family are so demanding and entitled as to refuse to go to the wedding just because DSD can't be a bridesmaid....well, enough said.

I thought you picked your bridesmaids by having the people you really wanted there supporting you. I had 2 bridesmaids and one of them (my very dear friend) was diagnosed with cancer before my wedding. She obviously had to have chemo & her hair fell out. By the time of the wedding she had finished treatment and her hair had grown back a little. At no point did I say to her 'you can't be my bridesmaid because you may not look the part. What I said to her was even if she was still poorly on the day of my wedding I would have pushed her down the aisle in a wheelchair myself as she was (and still is) one of my best friends and as long as she was well enough to be there, I wanted her to be my bridesmaid. It's not all about the bloody photos & who cares what other people think, she either wants her as her bridesmaid or not. Also people get so hung up about the day & not about the actual reason you are all there to witness the start of a marriage.

^she doesn't want a heavily pregnant woman walking down the aisle in front of her then that's fair enough^.

Op said she is only just starting to show if you look the right way at her, next month she will not be 'heavily pregnant' by any stretch of a judgy, hypocrites imagination.

DSIS has a child and is only now getting married? Glass houses and all that.

A wedding is supposed to be about celebrating the bride and groom getting married in front of family and friends, not judging the bridal party or guests!
Your bridesmaids are people you are close to and love and want to share your celebration, not someone to look good for the photos. Its shallow and appaling that you could drop someone you are close to because of their circumstances.

Some of the comments on here are pathetic. The woman shaming is appaling, there is no shame in being pregnant. No shame in supporting and defending your dd or dsd in the face of hypocracy.

How do you know how the dsd got pregnant, she may have thought the relationship was solid before this, she HAS a home with OP.

WTAF has somebody elses pregnancy got to do with anyone else?

Why do people feel the need to judge someone who isnt here to defend herself for something that could have been a huge surprise to her due to contraception failure and she took the brave step to keep the baby and bring it up with support from OP.

Where are all the 'demands' from OP?
She is reeling from the crap her sister has spouted and wants to protect her dsd. She has more empathy and love in her little finger than her sister appears to have in her whole body.

I wouldnt go to her bloody wedding either and neither would the rest of my family.

Well said Willow.

Couldn't - what planet are you on?

The DSD1 is 13w pg now. The wedding is next month, is it not? So she will be no more than 18w pg then.
I got married at 17w pg and no one would have known if we hadn't decided to tell them so - I didn't have a bump at that stage, just a somewhat thicker waist. It doesn't show at all in my photos. Ditto my best friend, who had exactly the same scenario.

So it's a bit fucking ridiculous to go on about "heavily pregnant bridesmaids spoiling the photos", IMO and IME.

The sister in this situation has no moral highground at all, as she is also an unwed mother.

There is nothing WRONG with that per se, nothing at all - but she can't set herself above the OP's DSD, because they are the same.

K - I don't think any good will come from your sister and your DSD2 talking, it's more likely to cause even more hurt and upset, but I guess it will have happened by now.
I really think the only thing you can do, in the face of your sister's shallow intransigence, is to all step back from being part of the wedding party - and if you do decide to go to the wedding, and people start asking why you're no longer part of the wedding party, practise saying "ask the bride" and don't be drawn further. Although I feel that your choice of not attending at all might be safer!

Maybe just go to the ceremony, for form's sake, and then not the wedding breakfast?

Mamabae - I'd like to know if you not attending your own sister's wedding caused an irretrievable rift? Or did she come round?

I would not be attending that wedding.

Your sister is within her rights to not have your DSD as bridesmaid, although I think she's wrong, but it's important that you show your DSD that you support her and are on her side.

Ideally, dsis wouldn't have the issue (whatever the real one is - I'm struggling to think of a reasonable one other than maybe dsis wants a baby herself and can't. I've been there - I didn't always think straight).

I suppose the best case would be if dsd is actually pleased to be relieved of her bm duties. I imagine she'd have spoken up by now, if that's the case. But you never know

Otherwise I stand by my earlier post, and wouldn't be attending.

Why on earth wouldn't people want a pregnant bridesmaid? Can someone explain exactly what the issue is with a pregnant women in the wedding party?

So bridesmaids have to be identikit attractive but not more attractive than the bride? Or old (how old is too old by the way?) or large?

Anyone who thinks like that needs to give their head a wobble

Op stand by your DSD. Support her. I'd be saying to dsis 'it's a shame you feel that way. I support dsd. I don't want any drama or fuss, I won't be MOH and dd won't be the flower girl.'

Couldn't - I'm pretty sure you're just trying to cause an argument, but just in case, let me give you an example of what really would be 'entitled'.

The sister chose the OP's stepdaughter as a bridesmaid because, before she dared to get pregnant, they were close. The OP also has another stepdaughter who her sister doesn't know from a bar of soap. 'Entitled' would be demanding a role for this girl too. All the OP is asking is for her sister to stick to her original plan - the plan she chose - rather than excluding someone she supposedly cares about and making a tough time even harder. If that's your view of a family member being demanding and entitled, I'm glad I'm not related to you.

Thank you everyone for your advice

DSIS came round last and is adamant she won't change her mind. She expected me to say I would be dropping out the wedding as well so apparently has already asked her future SIL to be maid of honour- which is my fault apparently . And then announced she would only need one flower girl anyway

It just makes it so shit because DSIS knows full well what DSD2 has been through (her mum passed nearly 4 years ago) and they were supposed to be close.

I get DSIS may be upset that I/her didn't tell her about her pregnancy but it was something we wanted to tell her in person and we have been so busy trying to get our heads around it that we didn't really want anyone else interfering which I think has caused some unintended offence.

DSD2 is crushed and doesn't want to see DSIS right now and I can't really blame her.

No idea what we are going to do 're going to the wedding.

It's a big shock because it is completely out of character for DSIS who I thought would be very supportive of DSD2s decision- apparently she still will be, she just can't be part of her wedding

I get it's her day I really do. I just think her reasoning is cruel.

DF is really pissed off with her as well- he came And stayed here last night as apparently they argued when she went back there. DM is just trying to keep the peace which I understand but I'm still pretty pissed off she told her.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this op. Poor consolation but I think you are a fantastic mother, your dsd is so lucky to have you. If I were you I think, if financially possible, I would organise something fun to do the day of the wedding and just not go. Your sister doesn't deserve to have you all there and your dad won't feel comfortable anyway. You are worth so much more than the way your sister has treated you

It's pretty obvious what to do about the wedding.
She has dumped DSD1 and DSD2 and you from the wedding party without even discuss g it with you first. Had asked someone else to be Moh. I wouldn't be going anywhere near her wedding. She has been a total bitch to you all.

It hasn't even crossed her mind that she could be cutting off the very people who could be there to support her when she needs it most for the sake of some skewed sense of morality.

She isnt condoning teen pregnancy she has a close friend, technically an adult who happens to be pregnant. She needs to get her head out of her backside and realise she isn't a paragon of morality for the rest of us.

Oh no. How completely spiteful to recind your, DSD's and DD's roles in the wedding.

I think she's making a big mistake as she will realise the price she pays for having false perfection on her wedding day isn't worth it and it's something she can never take back.

I hate the pretension around weddings, which makes people lose their sense of reason.

I can't see her enjoying her day as much as she would have, when every time she looks at her bridesmaids she realises she's alienated her sister/ neices. Some things are more important than carefully staged photos.

Excuse spellings errors. Phone has a mind of its own.

Some posters on this thread seem to have walked straight out of Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit.

So now she's dropped all three of you from her wedding party?

I think you're better off out of it to be honest.

Whether you go or not, I would make it very clear to all concerned that the decision to drop the three of you from her wedding party was entirely your sisters choice, and done before she spoke to any of you in person.

Do not let her tell people that you pulled out as maid of honour and withdrew your DD as flower girl because your DSD2 was no longer a bridesmaid.

How is she going to be 'supportive' in the future having caused so much upset right now? Her support can't be relied upon, but her judgement clearly can.

Your mother needs to take a long look at herself as well. She might not have agreed with your decision but once it was made she should have respected it. It wasn't her place to go behind your back, and both she and your sister should be adult enough to accept that you wanted to discuss this with your sister face to face.

The bride doesn't want a pregnant bridesmaid - that's her prerogative

Yes but she has to be aware then of how much this will hurt others.

To be honest if OP and her family are so demanding and entitled as to refuse to go to the wedding just because DSD can't be a bridesmaid....well, enough said

Its not "demanding and entitled" to be hurt at the actions of someone. and think about what kind of message this would send out to the Step daughter. Its called being a human - OP is putting her children first. How someone thinks the OP is being "demanding and entitled" from what she has posted...well enough said.

OP - so sorry to hear this, I read your other thread and think you are amazing. Glad to hear you and dh are working it out.

I think you need to let your DSIS know that you can't be at the wedding. That is crap all round, but I think in your shoes it is the only way I could morally move forward.
If DSIS asks why you can't be there at all, I would say bcause people will ask me why I'm not MOH any more, and I can't lie, I would tell them it is because you kicked DSD out from being bridesmaid.

In fact, if anyone asks you why you weren't at the wedding, I would say we fell out over bridesmaids, as DSD was no longer good enough for DSIS.

I think if you sya to DSIS up front that you won't be at her wedding at all, and this is why, she will either rethink, or will be a bridezilla, and then there is nothing you can do.

As a matter of interest, she has a dd who is goign to be flower girl? How old was she when her dd was born to her as an unmarried mum? Is there a big dose of hypocrisy going on?