To be fuming with DSIS???

[K1092902]

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

I know supportive step-parents and all, but OP should not feel that she has to miss her own sister's big day because of loyalty for her step-daughter.

But the sister told the OP that she was no longer Matron of Honour and the OP's younger daughter was no longer Flower Girl. Would you want to take your little one to a wedding you've been downgraded from?
I wouldn't.

She wouldn't be missing the wedding out of loyalty- she'd be missing it because how on earth could you go to support the wedding of someone behaving like a complete and utter arse?

Her behaviour beggars belief and there's no way I'd condone such hurtful idiocy by going along.

DSIS?

I know supportive step-parents and all, but OP should not feel that she has to miss her own sister's big day because of loyalty for her step-daughter.

Why would you want to be there to celebrate with someone who treated your family this way?

Actually DSD could show that she is really a grown-up here, try to respect other people's preferences about THEIR weddings and insist to the OP that she will be fine, that she is happy to give up the BD's role

Absolutely agree with this.

If the DSD feels she is grown up enough to be a mother at the age of 18, then she is grown up enough to accept that not everyone will accept the choices she makes, and that often, some people will act to show their disagreement, and sometimes, such disagreement will be expressed in a way that may be hurtful. This is a very small issue, considering that she is, at 18, going to have a child. She should focus on that, not on hurt feelings arising out of the wedding of a woman she is actually not related to!

Nanny0gg

That's why a talk is in order, I believe. Both sisters are very likely to regret in the future if they don't make up and one of them misses the wedding of the other. Presumably, they were close enough for DSIS to initially include all of OP's family in the bridal party.

histinyhandsarefrozen

They are still sisters. And OP should not have to choose between DSIS and DSD, same as DSIS should't choose between them.

That's really sad. I'm so sorry OP. You are a great mum to all your girls.

Tempted to send a message to read out on the day wishing her the very best for their future life together from all of you

#Banquosghost@thefeast

I don't get your point. Of course they are still sisters. One just happens to be behaving bizarrely, rudely, nastily to the other right now.

OP, it sounds like you will be well out of it. Your sister forced your hand; she created a situation which left you with an ultimatum under which you had to either drop out of the wedding or become complicit in shaming your poor DSD who has experienced a terrible bereavement and had her life uprooted at a young age. Then your sister went as far as to presume your response and drop you anyway. She sounds absolutely vile and so does her fiancé.

Also, I don't get why she should be annoyed at finding out from her mother instead of you. Ultimately, your DSD's pregnancy is none of her damn business and should be irrelevant to her wedding, were it not for the fact that she seems to be a vile, judgemental, callous, snob.

You have done NOTHING wrong and don't let anyone try to tell your otherwise

Daemon - I do see where you are coming from, but this is DSD family, she doesn't ahve another one. Her mother is dead. This is her father's family (albeit by marriage)

seems very harsh to say she isn't related so she shouldn't be hurt.

Queenofthestress How do you work out that an 18 yr old is not a teenager? EighTEEN. Get it yet?

Your DSIS seems to be an utter arsehole.

I was a 'Teen' Mum. The absolute worst experience of my life was my pregnancy with my DD. Family members berated me, I was told repeatedly I was throwing my life away, was to young, that I should abort. A stranger in the street once called me a 'Slag'.

Familial support would have been fantastic. So that's what you need to do for your DSD. Create an united front, and do not let her feel 'ashamed'. The poor girl will be in enough turmoil already and I can guarantee she will never forget being snubbed from this wedding. From experience, it is extremely hurtful to have family members treat your pregnancy with disdain.

As well as your own family, from what you have said OP, I'd also be worried about DSIS.
You give the impression that she is possibly being manipulated by her DH-to-be?
Doesn't sound like a great way to start married life.
Can men become Groomzilla?!?!?
Or is he a manipulative man in general?

K, sorry I have only read this thread of yours, but even before your last post I was getting a bit worried about your DSis. She says it is a 'joint decision' with her and her fiancé. This joint decision seems to be resulting in her completely ostracising her side of the family, cutting herself off from her close sister and conveniently putting his family front and centre at the wedding instead and pretty much ensuring that you don't even attend.

This sends up a bit of a red flag for me, particularly as you say it's out of character. I don't know the people involved, you do, but it feels like it will put a big distance between you and her and the ditching you as MoH feels very weird, is she being manipulated here?

That's not to say in any way that you should put up with it, or that she isn't being awful, but it would concern me as well as making me livid if I were her sister.

Previous poster are right, you sound like an amazing stepmother.

That would be it for me personally, I'd pull out if the wedding completely.

So would I. I wouldn't be nasty, and would wish them a wonderful day, but I'd make it clear that DH, DD and I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day knowing that DSD would be sitting there feeling like a pariah and that no-one had supported her.

Let your little DD wear her flower-girl dress and all of you have a lovely day out as a family instead.

or DS is being very cruel - to all of you.

All this faff over being a bridesmaid ffs!

It's not "faff over being a bridesmaid" - it's concern over the wanton disregard of someone else's feelings.

Horribly goady and insensitive interpretation, IMO.

I personally think Could has done way more goady fuckery than should be endured on any thread.

I think your sister is behaving terribly. Sorry you and family have to deal with this. So hard.

Someone who is willing to be do inconsiderate of someone else's feeling to get the 'perfect' day is never going to be happy.

Ask her who is going to tell dsd and what are they meant to say?

This isn't "faff" about being a bridesmaid. This is about shaming and punching a young woman in the family (who has already been through Hell in terms of family life, losing her mum) for the "crime" of getting pregnant. Mums netters should know better. It is like something out of the 1800s. As a stepmum I applaud the OP. I would never support a situation that shamed one of my beautiful step daughters.

Punishing, not punching! Sorry for terrible autocorrect.

No. Not really.