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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with DSIS???

411 replies

K1092902 · 30/07/2017 00:55

DSIS is getting married end of August. I'm maid of honour and DSD2 is supposed to be one of three bridesmaids and DD a flower girl with DNiece.

DSIS is visiting from France tomorrow. They are staying for 3 weeks but we will only be seeing them tomorrow as we go to London on Monday and DM/DF and DSIS are going to Wales for a fortnight a long with future BIL and DNiece.

DSD2 is 18 and we have recently found out she is pregnant.

DM and has told DSIS over the phone sometime this week. I wasn't aware of this and was going to tell her in person when we see her tomorrow

She has now decided she doesn't want DSD being a bridesmaid as she doesn't want to be shown as condoning teenage pregnancy.

DM telephoned me upset 20 mins ago to say DSIS phoned earlier to tell her.

DM has now been put in a position and doesn't want us coming for dinner tomorrow as she knows we will argue.

I'm fuming. I'd be on the phone to her now but she will be driving to Calais to catch her ferry.

OP posts:
Lostinaseaofbubbles · 31/07/2017 14:15

How the hell is it your fault that DSIS has got so offended that DSD is pregnant that she's chosen to exclude you all from her wedding party and your DF (of his own free will) has decided that he thinks she's overreacting?

ClemDanfango · 31/07/2017 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SouthWindsWesterly · 31/07/2017 14:24

Has your sister ever admitted that she's to blame for anything? Other than childhood when she might have been pressed to say sorry? Because it sounds like she has slopey shoulders and doesn't like to admit it.

Hissy · 31/07/2017 14:24

Your sister and your dad are adults. The decisions they take are theirs and theirs alone.

None of any of this is your fault. tell them to grow the fuck up and leave you the fuck alone.

whatsleep · 31/07/2017 14:28

This takes the phrase Bridezilla to the limit. It offers no comfort right now OP but in pretty sure in the years to come your dsis will look back and regret the choices she is making right now.

IHateUncleJamie · 31/07/2017 14:41

steppemum I admire your forebearance but no way in hell would I be writing "sorry this has blown up" to my sister if I were the OP. Firstly, the OP has nothing to be sorry about.

Secondly, if you had a friend/acquaintance acting so hatefully and being so judgemental about your child, would you accept it and try to save the relationship? I am guessing not, because no true friend would act that way. It would be wholly unacceptable, and the fact that it's the OP's sister doesn't make it acceptable.

OP who has said it's "your fault" your Dad doesn't want to go on holiday, btw?

Fruitcorner123 · 31/07/2017 14:41

Having read your update I can't see why you would go. Your sister needs to realise what a mistake she has made. She has undoubtedly damaged irreparably her relationship with DSD and may have damaged her relationship with you, DD and Df too.

If you go it's like you are condoning her decision so I guess you have to stand up for your daughters. I imagine it's very sad to miss your sisters wedding but just remember its her decision not yours. Sorry you are having to go through this.

valeriarrgh · 31/07/2017 14:51

Oh dear, I think the wedding has really got to her hasn't it? She's going to regret these choices in a few months. A few nice pictures aren't going to make up for the fact she's really hurt her sister and her nieces.

zzzzz · 31/07/2017 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TakeMe2Insanity · 31/07/2017 15:18

Oh gosh your sister really is taking her bridezilla role seriously, will there be anyone she hasn't upset by the wedding.

Btw I think you are handling this really well.

mikeyssister · 31/07/2017 15:23

So if I understand correctly she's told you you're no longer MoN, DSD2 she's no longer a bridesmaid, DD she's no longer a flower girl and yet it's your fault that DF js annoyed by this??

What planet is DSis living on? Or does she come from CheekyFuckerLand?

CoughLaughFart · 31/07/2017 15:56

At this rate none of the family will be at this wedding - and it will serve her right. The lack of pregnant bridesmaids in her pictures will be cold comfort.

Hygge · 31/07/2017 16:02

Maybe you should all go to the wedding with cushions stuffed under your outfits so you all look heavily pregnant. Your Dad and your DH included if they are game.

And then when anyone asks you what you're doing refer them on to the bride for an explanation.

I'm not serious, but plotting that kind of thing while I'm annoyed cheers me up, so you and your DSD2 could at least have a laugh thinking about it.

BifsWif · 31/07/2017 16:20

God I wish you had been my step mum when I was growing up.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 31/07/2017 16:52

I wouldn't go to the wedding but I would write a very nice note. Something like:

Sorry about your latest choices re bm and moh. Hope it all goes brilliantly. Looking forward to see all the photos. Have a great day. Love all of us xx

Original poster
K1092902 · 31/07/2017 16:53

What worries me is that this is completely out of character for her so I'm worrying her DP is pulling her strings and DF thinks this also as apparently they went off for a few hushed conversations yesterday.

Normally we get on really well and as mentioned previously she does with DSD2 but I don't know

Maybe it's just the bridezilla getting to her but it makes me really sad that a) she is my best friend and I can't be part of her wedding that I've helped her plan for 2.5 years and b) she doesn't seem to want us there anyway.

OP posts:
histinyhandsarefrozen · 31/07/2017 17:03

It is bizarre behaviour. I would continue as normal with her but on the question of the wedding -don't back down!

Fruitcorner123 · 31/07/2017 17:08

That's so sad Op. What about arranging a quiet drink/lunch just you and her to try and talk everything through. Make sure she understands the impact of her decisions and the fact that she will look back on this for the rest of her life. Her own sister and nieces not being there is a massive thing especially given you are close.

steppemum · 31/07/2017 17:39

IHateUncleJamie

it really isn't forebearance.
And the meaning of sorry in this context is simple. I AM sorry that this has blown up. It doesn't say I am at fault or apologise. It is like saying I am really sad this has blown up.

The point is that it ISN'T a friend or aquaintance, it is OPs sister, and reading latest update, a sister she has been really close to.

Ops sister is behaving liek a complete twat. But as I said before, we have all had moments in our lives. At some point she will realise the mistake she is making.

I am guessing the might before or the morning of the wedding the reality that her sister isn't going to be there will hit.

At that point, if the door has been left open, she can come back and admit she was wrong and apologise. I don't think the OP would let 30 (or whatever) years of sisterly love disappear over one mistake.

I find it hard to believe that in real life people cut their relatives off completely over a mistake. Does everyone have to get it right all the time? Is there no room for realising you are wrong and coming to repair the damage?

I am totally in support of the OP, I think she is awesome in the way she has stood by her DSD and she is totally in her rights to say she isn't goign to the wedding unless her sister has a change of heart. But that is the point surely, that there is room for a change of heart?

ohfourfoxache · 31/07/2017 17:42

Bloody hell, is there anything else you can be blamed for K? Seems like you're getting it in the neck for everything from Hiroshima onwards at the moment Sad

Are you getting any genuine support from anyone ATM?

eddielizzard · 31/07/2017 17:46

that is unbelievably shit. how unsupportive of her. i agree it sounds like it's her dp shit stirring. i'd leave it for the time being. don't make any decisions. let the dust settle and then see.

mrscropley · 31/07/2017 17:49

Could she be miffed that the baby will take the shine off one she may be planning /already conceived and it is blurring her logic?

PrettyBelle · 31/07/2017 17:54

Actually DSD could show that she is really a grown-up here, try to respect other people's preferences about THEIR weddings and insist to the OP that she will be fine, that she is happy to give up the BD's role if that's what the bride wishes in light of the changed circumstances - and to insist that the OP should of course go to her own sister's wedding.

I know supportive step-parents and all, but OP should not feel that she has to miss her own sister's big day because of loyalty for her step-daughter.

PrettyBelle · 31/07/2017 17:54

*BM's as in bridesmaid's role

EllenMP · 31/07/2017 18:03

You sound like you are doing a great job as a stepmother to your DSD2. Most stepchildren nowadays have a mother as well as a stepmother, but yours doesn't, sadly, so you are one of the few stepmothers for whom the "mother" in stepmother is truly appropriate. Without knowing you and your DSD at all, I feel that she needs you in her corner far more than most SDs need their stepmothers, as a young pregnant girl without a mother of her own. If you are ready to do it, this is your chance to show your DSD that you have her back, 100%, the way her mother would if she were still alive. This is your chance to show her she is your family too, not just her dad's family -- that you will put her first, as you would your own children. I am sure that in her situation that will be a huge source of stability and strength for her.

I would very calmly and non-accusingly tell your sister (by email, so you can't get drawn into an argument) that your stepdaughter needs and has your support and you will not participate in upsetting her by joining a wedding party she has been excluded from. Her body, her pregnancy, her choice to carry it forward, especially as she is officially an adult. No one else has the right to judge her, and frankly if she is only 3-4 months gone then no one else needs to know.

It sounds like your sister is getting a little sucked into the Perfect Day Illusion, and I would send her a very gently phrased reminder that yes, it's her big day, but other people's feelings still matter, and her efforts not to sully her Perfect Day will have repercussions for other people in her life long after the day is gone. Explain that if DSD is removed from the wedding party she will be deeply hurt, and will feel like this new family she has become attached to is not really hers after all.

This is a young girl who needs the women in her life, especially the older women in her family, to rally round with support now. I would always prioritise my sons and stepsons over anyone else in my family. Kids come first, and step kids need you to prove it more than your birth-kids do. Take this chance to strengthen your bond with your DSD by standing by her, and hope that your sister has a moment of clarity and sees the bigger picture.

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