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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has changed her name, AIBU to feel rejected

355 replies

fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 17:58

DD has never liked her name so it shouldn't come as a surprise really. She used to get really upset whenever someone pronounced it incorrectly, which happens a lot, and people don't always pay any attention when she corrects them.

She also claims it makes her "stand out" and she just wants to "blend in". So she is off to sixth form college in September and thinks now is a good time. She has her father's support so they have filled in a form online and she's paid for it herself.

I can't help but feel rejected. Perhaps because I chose her name and so she's always aimed any anger about it towards me.

OP posts:
OnlyRose · 28/07/2017 21:01

Lleucu is one of my very favourite names (I spent my teenage years in Wales) but my family is English, I now live in Scotland so I could never use it for a DD! Although if I ever do have one, I'd like to give her Heulwen as a middle name, which tbh probably wouldn't be very fair either!

FluffyPineapple · 28/07/2017 21:03

*en as in English word Hen. Not SERR-Hen.
Non-welsh people would say the 'en' bit as they say it in names like Darren and Karen.

BTW, its in that context has an apostrophe in it FluffyPineapple*

Where is the apostrophe in 'Seren'? The 'en' is pronounced exactly as 'Darren', 'Karen'. Where did you get the 'H' sound from? Are you mad??

For what its worth my neighbour was named "Nastercia" - Her parents are Portugese. She calls herself Natalie. Do you have a problem with that as well Mike? Or is that ok because you can pronounce it??

colaflower · 28/07/2017 21:08

so you've brought your daughter up to be strong and independant and all the rest of it. But you don't like her being that independant that she has told you she's changing her name.

My goodness, you make it sound like the end of the world. Shaking my head at the thought of her coming out as transsexual to you if this is how you react to a name change.

Ramirez · 28/07/2017 21:08

Fluffy, Mike was being pedantic in that you omitted the apostrophe from "its"...just ignore.

MikeUniformMike · 28/07/2017 21:11

I was indeed.

Feilin · 28/07/2017 21:11

My given name has caused me no end of trouble for 37 yrs . My mother is now aware of this and it hurts her feelings. As such i cant change it . Ive gotten used to misprounications and mispellings. Outing as it is and i dont really care its Emmeline i.e emily emma-line evelyn emilia em and many many variations and even different names altogether 🙄 I wish theyd picked something else but i accept its what they chose . People do not get it even when i correct them. So for my daughters name i chose thea and i hope she likes it as she grows as indidnt want her to have the difficulties i have had

FluffyPineapple · 28/07/2017 21:15

Fluffy, Mike was being pedantic in that you omitted the apostrophe from "its"...just ignore

Ahh... Thank you Ramirez.... Maybe the grammar police could learn to pronounce words before they swoop.... Pathetic person :(

Ramirez · 28/07/2017 21:15

I was disappointed that I had no middle name and felt like my parents couldn't be bothered. Also, when I was 14 I desperately wanted to be called Penelope with a made up double-barreled surname, despite liking both my names.

I think supporting your daughter is key in this and also think a naming gift would be nice, but I can see how it must hurt.

Roomba · 28/07/2017 21:18

My dad has always been known by his middle name by family and schoolfriend since he was born. However once he started uni then work he was known as his actual first name to people he met then, as he didn't bother to correct them when they used his first name after seeing it written down I suppose. Not only that, but they all use a shortened version. We always knew it was a colleague or friend he'd trained or worked with before on the phone, as they'd ask for (shortened first name). It wasn't that confusing as we were used to it.

I had two friends at uni who changed their names after the Xmas of the first term. One started using her middle name instead as she said her first name was very very religious and she hated it aside from that aspect too. The other friend just didn't like his original name despite it being something really common, classic and easy to pronounce. He changed it to something equally common, classic and easy to pronounce. We were all very accepting and got used to it quickly, but the girl's mother was very upset by it initially.

I also discovered after sharing a house for a year that my housemate had changed his name at 21. He utterly refused to divulge his old name as it was 'so awful and embarrassing', yet his new name was very unusual and is usually a woman's name Confused. He always got remarks about how unusual the name was too.

lalalalyra · 28/07/2017 21:20

Also something to think about - your DD obviously has good trust in your and her father to be able to tell you that she hates her name and wants to change it.

My cousin is in a similar position to me (although she has contact with her parents). Her partner and friends call her by a nickname. Her work colleagues call her by a nickname. The vast majority of the people in her life do not know her full name. She hates her nickname, but it's marginally better than her actual name. She is so afraid of the reactions of her parents that she won't have a birthday party, or a wedding, or a BBQ or anything where a friend may come into contact with a family member and risk giving away how much she hates her name. Imagine your child being that worried about your reaction, that frightened of you... Your DD trusted her parents enough to say "I'm sorry, but I hate the choice you made".

Ramirez · 28/07/2017 21:23

Great point Lalala.

MikeUniformMike · 28/07/2017 21:24

My real name is Anais. Pronounced Anay. Especially for you Fluff cos you didn't read my post properly then have the nerve to call me pathetic.

No, it's not really Anay.

RortyCrankle · 28/07/2017 21:26

But what you are effectively saying, OP, is that it's perfectly ok for her to continue to dislike her name and be upset when people mispronounce it and not change it because of your feelings. What about her feelings?

Girlfrommars77 · 28/07/2017 21:28

OP apologies am struggling to read whole thread on phone. But please don't feel rejected. I changed the spelling of my name - quite significantly, and my mum accepted it. It's now who I am. I wasn't trying to reject the name my parents chose - actually I didn't consider that - I was just trying to be my own person as a teenager/young adult. It's not personal - be proud you have brought up your daughter as an individual who makes her own choices. I understand you feeling hurt - but doubt this has been done to hurt you Flowers

Girlfrommars77 · 28/07/2017 21:29

It would have caused me a lot of grief if my parents had refused to accept it though.

Amaried · 28/07/2017 21:31

When I see this I often think of the many posts where people are upset because people have voiced negative opinion to their potential baby name. In most of these they chosen something "unusual". Depending on how unusual they are sentencing their child to a life time of spelling it etc. Not everyone is able to embrace that attention. Feel a bit sorry for some local babies who've been saddled with mouthfuls I couldn't even attempt to spell. Seems a bit unfair.

FluffyPineapple · 28/07/2017 21:35

Very true Lala. Sometimes there is a very valid reason to change your name. In my dd's case it was because nobody, within our town, pronounced her given name correctly (In fact everyone pronounced it as something we would consider rude), because she is not of British Heritage.

I would much prefer my dd be known by a name she chose herself, rather than miss out on life opportunities - simply because she is embarrassed by the thought of her peers using her birth name.

That's all we, as parents, can do.... At the end of the day we all want what's best for our children, right?

So sorry if I have missed an apostrophe or two there Mike :D

mathanxiety · 28/07/2017 21:38

I understand where you're coming from , OP, though my DCs do not have an issue with their names. You chose her names with love - names are a sort of gift from parents to their children and it is hard to see the gift derided or tossed overboard. Along with the name go your memories of her babyhood and childhood, when she was your little 'Gwladys' or whatever.

It seems to me your DD is experiencing some anger and a sense of embarrassment that she is not able to cope with, and I would urge her to seek therapy for both issues. There may be a problem with her 'teenage separation from family' stage of development too - most teens do not feel the need to announce their separate identity and development into adults in such an all or nothing way that moreover requires a change on the part of others in how they address them. A tattoo or a piercing (or three or four) still leaves you with the same person underneath and you don't have to feel you have ruined a child's life by your misguided choice (that seemed perfectly good when you were making it). Yes, the child you named is still there underneath, but you must now change quite a bit in order to accommodate the choice she has made.

Why is she so angry that she couldn't do this in a way that didn't leave you so sad?

Lucyccfc · 28/07/2017 21:40

I have a Welsh name and it's a bloody pain when you are English and live in England and no one can pronounce it or spell it.

Don't feel rejected please - be proud your daughter is independent and assertive enough to change something she doesn't like.

Freakishlycommon · 28/07/2017 21:43

Not read the full thread but I wish I'd changed my name at her age. My mum knows that. I remind her a lot how much I hate my name. I think she hates it now too!
I would not mind one but if one of my dc decided to change theirs.

MagdalenNoName · 28/07/2017 21:49

Completely disagree with mathanxiety. It's like saying you need therapy for coming out as gay.

Sometimes your parents just give you the wrong name for your emerging adult self.

It's interesting that a good number of posters are saying they felt they were given the wrong name for the person they wanted to be - and they wish they wanted to change it.

GreeboIsACutePussPuss · 28/07/2017 21:52

I haven't used my real name since I was 11, although wasn't allowed to change it officially until I was an adult. it's nothing against my Dad (who chose it) It's just a bloody awful name! No one can spell it, no one can pronounce it and for reasons known only to my Dad he took two extremely long unusual names, used the less common spelling for each and chucked a hyphen in, making it quite possibly unique. Teenage me was pretty damn angry about it too.

Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2017 21:52

Feilin why are your mum's feelings hurt that your name has caused you problems? Who does she blame for this? If she blames herself for giving you a nane that has caused you issues she should be happy you want to change it (if you do). And she can recognise she gave you the name in good faith.

Maybe she blames others who have used your name against you, that would be my feeling. But I would never want to stop a child changing their name to another suitable name. I mean if my 6 year old wanted to be called 'Ningago' I would complain!

From you post it almost sounds as if your mum holds it against you, is that the case?

Please do change your name if this is what you want to do.

GreatFuckability · 28/07/2017 21:54

Seren is NOT pronounced with the same ending as Karen. unless you say Kah-REN. Most people say Kah-run with a schwa sound. Seren is not pronounced that way its Seh-REN with an 'eh' sound. its very different.

MagdalenNoName · 28/07/2017 21:55

'... they wish that they had had the courage to change it.'

is what I meant at the end of the post above

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