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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has changed her name, AIBU to feel rejected

355 replies

fabyoulouse · 28/07/2017 17:58

DD has never liked her name so it shouldn't come as a surprise really. She used to get really upset whenever someone pronounced it incorrectly, which happens a lot, and people don't always pay any attention when she corrects them.

She also claims it makes her "stand out" and she just wants to "blend in". So she is off to sixth form college in September and thinks now is a good time. She has her father's support so they have filled in a form online and she's paid for it herself.

I can't help but feel rejected. Perhaps because I chose her name and so she's always aimed any anger about it towards me.

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 28/07/2017 19:25

I can empathise with your DD, I have an unusual first name and when I was younger I fucking hated it, now I couldn't care less but that's only because I have bigger things to worry about.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 28/07/2017 19:25

OP, whilst I totally understand your hurt, and say I'd feel exactly the same as you, I really feel that if you can put your feelings to one side and support your DD then I'm sure she'd appreciate it.

Part of separation is our children 'hating' us. Picking fights. Seeing our faults. Ridicule.

Hang on to the fact that they love us really, and that the one's they'll hit out at hardest are the ones that - deep down - they feel the most secure with.

Loulou0 · 28/07/2017 19:26

I changed my first name when I was 20. I hated my name. It was a typical early 80s then fashionable name so I changed it to something more classic and I guess a bit more middle class. I've been my new name got nearly 20 years now and I love it!

Serialweightwatcher · 28/07/2017 19:27

Shame she doesn't like Bronwen either - it's nice .... I didn't like mine either in my teens and wanted to be called Jackie like the magazine - never mind, we don't all have the same taste and she may change her mind when older

IcingandSlicing · 28/07/2017 19:27

What she is rejecting and what you feel is being rejected is your will to control her.
When you think of it, you have chosen a name but you haven't asked her how she feels about it (obviously that wasn't possible anyway). But now she knows exactly how she feels about it and it makes her everyday life terrible. For so many years she couldn't overcome it o decided to change it.
Try to let go of the desire to control her life and you will understand that she hasn't rejected you.
Parents should guide but not control. Good luck!

IdentifiesAsYoda · 28/07/2017 19:28

I don't really like my name. I don't like introducing myself because a comment always comes with it. It's not a name I would choose for myself but it meant a lot to my mum and dad

She's obviously very determined

I also love the idea of getting her a girt with the new name engraved on it

IdentifiesAsYoda · 28/07/2017 19:28

gift

MikeUniformMike · 28/07/2017 19:29

The thing is the Welsh names don't sound like you've got a mouthful of phlegm, but it's horrible to say to someone that they do.

The sort of thing that happens is
CuntyPerson:"Oi Leo!"
Llio:"It's Llio"
CuntyPerson:"CHTHLspitphlegmclearLEO! [eyerolling]"

MikeUniformMike · 28/07/2017 19:31

GreenTulips I was going to suggest Tina but TinaTulips is not as nice as SallyTulips

echt · 28/07/2017 19:35

I think Brownwen is a lovely name, very distinguished, though I can see why a teen might not like it, especially if their dislike has built up over time, which appears to be the case.

The name gift sounds good

MyNewBearTotoro · 28/07/2017 19:38

So your daughters name was, for example, Bronwen Angharad but you've always called her Angharad? She hates both names and has now changed her name to, for example, Emma Angharad, and wishes to be called Emma?

I wonder if the fact that her real name is Bronwen but that she gets called by her middle name has exacerbated her feeling towards her name - maybe she doesn't feel her name reflects her identity partly because she's not known by her first name. Her first name doesn't feel properly 'hers' because no-one uses it but neither does her middle name because it's not official - I guess maybe this has stopped her from getting used to either name or seeing either name as a part of her identity, she has two names which are unusual (out of Wales) and then is also unusual in that she's not known by her first name - introducing herself must feel very awkward and confusing as times so maybe this has contributed to her wish to just be known as something she sees as 'normal.'

Groupie123 · 28/07/2017 19:39

Angarabad? Awful spelling lol.

NC4now · 28/07/2017 19:41

OP, think of it as if you'd bought her a jumper she wasn't keen on. You'd let her take it back to the shop, wouldn't you? And you certainly wouldn't insist she wore it for a job interview. You'd want her to have something she loves and feels confident in. This is no different.

Try not to feel too hurt. It sounds like she's a lovely girl but has been struggling with this for a while.

MrsBobtonTrent · 28/07/2017 19:43

I changed my awful name at 18 (birthday present to myself). It was a made up "younique" abomination. My parents sulked massively and we barely talked for 10 years and have a stilted relationship now. The name was about them and not about me.

One of my sisters (born during a Celtic phase) was named Lleucu (rhymes with flaky). We were nowhere near Wales. This was changed to Lucy at 18 by sis and our parents haven't talked to her since.

It shouldn't all be about the parents. It's the children who have to go through lives with these names. Naming is a responsibility not an act of self-expression for new parents.

AnneOfCleavage · 28/07/2017 19:48

I know a Welsh guy who goes by his middle name as his first name is so Welsh it made sense as he lives in England and he'd always have to correct pronunciation.

If your DD's name is say Anghared then I can see why she'd want to change it as nickname angry springs to mind plus room for mis pronunciation. However if say Sian or Seren then embrace Welsh roots as they work well anywhere. It's her personal choice however much you love her name and lovingly chose it.

I'm so happy you're being so cool about it now and hope the new name makes her happy Smile

duxb · 28/07/2017 19:48

Nobody should dread introducing themselves. Imagine the social anxiety she must have felt?

She's paid for it herself and is now at a sensible age to make such a decision.

I'm sure you had a good reason for naming her what to did, so explain that to her and highlight that you would never have named her something that you thought would cause her so much upset during her life and that you respect her decision now.

AsleepAtMyDesk · 28/07/2017 19:48

My daughter changed her name when she started Uni. My view is that it's her name, if she doesn't like it then she should change it. She's the one who has to live with it. I did feel sad but did not let her see. It's just a label. She didn't change.

MagdalenNoName · 28/07/2017 19:49

Looking back I think it's significant that I was named after my father's mother who died when he was 18 months old. Now names do run in families. But I think there was a sort of pressure on me to be a replacement for me to fill in and impersonate somebody who was irreplaceable and make up for something I couldn't possibly make up for because it was before my time.. Whereas I just wanted to be me.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 28/07/2017 19:52

Haven't rtft but think her name was Bronwen? Really pretty & not unusual IMO, I went to school with one though so may alter my judgement...
I understand how you feel though OP, we took ages choosing DC names & I'd be hurt if they wished to change them.

lalalalyra · 28/07/2017 19:55

Please support your daughter in this. Changing your name is a big deal. I have no relationship now with the family members who didn't support me. I changed my name at 14. Luckily for me when my parents gave me a stupid name (Starlight) my Nana was persuasive enough to get me a slightly less wacky middle name so I switched to that. Certain relatives decided I was being silly and wouldn't call me by the name I'd chosen. It absolutely destroyed our relationship.

Kids are cruel. I was bullied relentlessly. I hated meeting new people, I'd feel physically sick at having to deal with yet another reaction to my name. When I was changing school I took the chance to change it and it honestly changed my life. I felt more confident and as a result I actually made friends - real friends, not just the little group of kids who don't have any other friends, friends I had things in common with and two who I still see now.

It was silly and daft to a lot of people who feel like a name is "just" a name, but it honestly changed my life for the better.

Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2017 19:56

fabyoulouse she's done something brave to make her life better. She is angry and maybe that is because she felt you should have suggested a name change earlier.

But I think you need to fully embrace her new name and just love it as much as you love her, or at least allow that this will happen, you will love it one day.

MikeUniformMike · 28/07/2017 19:58

Lleucu does not rhyme with flaky! It's Angharad not Anghared and it doesn't have a g sound in it (the ng is a letter in Welsh and it like ng in thing not ng-g). Seren is awful, sorry. It's just a word that has been adopted as a name; would you really name your child Star?

Lleucu is a lovely name but unpronounceable to anyone who doesn't know Welsh. It is welsh for Lucy though.

Italiangreyhound · 28/07/2017 20:03

lalalalyra that is great. Well done. Your relatives are the ones missing out.

To be honest it doesn't matter what a name is, if a person doesn't like it for any reason it really doesn't matter if others can see the reason or if they think the reason is not valid.

Mumteadumpty · 28/07/2017 20:08

I hated my name as a child, and even now don't like it. If I had had the courage to take on having a conversation with my family, I would have changed it.
I also have changed my mind about the names I chose for my children as babies. Now that they are older, I can see that the choices I made were filled with my own aspirations at that time, and, importantly, were not ' future proofed' for fit to the individuals they would would become.
I think it's probably best to change at your DD's age, and as PPs have said, maybe come back to love the name later, rather than harbour discontent about it.

FluffyPineapple · 28/07/2017 20:12

I absolutely love the name Angharad.... I wanted my first born to be named Angharad. Hubby hated it.... So we settled on Rhiannon.

MikeuniformMike My adopted daughter chose to call herself Seren when at her adoption hearing. Is there any reason why she shouldn't have? I also know of 3 "Stars". They all suit their name. Better than Millie, Rosie or Mike I think....

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