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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off him by his exs and kids?

155 replies

Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 12:16

I met a guy thought he was nice,had a few dates and he asked me to become official.
Here is the thing,he has 2 kids with two different women,1 he never sees because she won't let him and he hasn't been to court (the boy is 8) ..why isn't he fighting for him? Then he said the bitch has just started taking maintenance off me now..(so has he not paid in 8 years?)
All these thoughts in my head,what has he done that has stopped his ex not letting him know his own son.
He told me he used to be wild and through Facebook I seen he has had about 8 gfs in a few years.
He admitted he cheated on his eldest Childs mother and he is forever changing jobs after a few months.
So is he flakey?
The thing is when we are together he is great,he showers me with attention,makes me feel good.
We get on like a house on fire.
The other day he asked if I wanted children etc
Should I let that put me off?

OP posts:
Shockers · 27/07/2017 16:02

I think there's a very good chance he said 'you're a keeper' to the women he impregnated too.

You seem determined to fight his corner, despite what we all think of your initial description of him.

Did you think we'd disagree with your mum?

I tell you what, I wish I'd listened to my mum (and my friends) when I met my 'you're a keeper'... turned out they were right. I bet his subsequent wife wishes she'd listened to me (after phoning me to ask for advice- a bit like you are here), but everyone has to make their own choices, and live with the consequences.

Original poster
Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 16:06

I'm really not desperate (or I don't mean to be )
I don't know why I scrolled so far back,I guess I just wanted to see what type of guy he was.
I get chatted up off other men so it's not as if he is last chance saloon.
I think in my head I built him up (imagined) to be this fantastic man,charming etc ..and reality isn't living up to my fantasy man in my head..

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 27/07/2017 16:10

..and reality isn't living up to my fantasy man in my head..

Ok good. So what are you going to do? I skimmed the thread just now and saw that you had cancelled plans for tonight.

Does that mean you've finished with him?

itstoolateforthisbollox · 27/07/2017 16:11

You should marry him, have a kid, and then post endlessly on here about how awful he is to his kids and exes but how wonderful he is really and much you love him. There are loads of similar posts, you'll fit right in.

Then when he cheats on you and leaves you, probably knocked up again, you can post about how you never thought it would happen, even though it was blindingly obvious to everyone else, and now you're the latest bitch who wants his money.

Or, run now and stop dating until you can be a bit more discriminating and sensible.

IStoleDipsysHat · 27/07/2017 16:36

Listen to your mother. All the nice temperament and nice things are the shiny lure he uses to get you hooked before he lets his ugly side. I would actually be very wary of him saying you are a keeper as I would identify that as him confirming to himself that he is confident he can keep you where he wants you.
Run. Don't look back, don't contact him again.
Spend some time working on yourself. Learn to be happy in your own company and confident on your own. Then you will start to develop a sense of your own self worth and won't accept low life behaviour.

demirose87 · 27/07/2017 16:42

I would be off like a shot. My eldest DS has never known his dad as he's always denied him and never bothered with him. He's been with the same woman for a few years now and I've told her by messaging on facebook that he is my son's dad and she denied it all because she wanted to believe it wasn't true. I just think how can she want to have a future and children with this man if he can so easily discard his own flesh and blood? Obviously something not right with him.

RortyCrankle · 27/07/2017 17:39

So is he flakey?

Is the Pope catholic?

He sounds as flakey as hell. Do yourself a huge favour and dump. Perhaps take some time out and think about the sort of person you really want to be with. He is not it.

HotNatured · 27/07/2017 17:47

I'm really not desperate

You're not giving that impression. At all. The complete opposite, in fact.

Hissy · 27/07/2017 17:50

Anger management classes - enforced?

Ex is a bitch?

He seems perfect to you and is amazing?

He is categorically an abuser.

Dump him like the sack of shit he really is.

The man you know is a lie.

Ooogetyooo · 27/07/2017 17:52

He calls the mother of his child a bitch?
You are joking ?

Hissy · 27/07/2017 17:52

The faster they warm up, the faster and more aggressively they turn.

My ex was charming.

10 fucking years - 8 of which were spent as a quivering wreck.

They are all the same, they say the same, think the same and turn out the same.

OfficerVanHalen · 27/07/2017 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grobagsforever · 27/07/2017 18:22

She's not going to leave him though are you OP? Urgh so depressing.

He can't or won't hold down a job

He doesn't see his child

He doesn't know pay for his child

He thinks calling the mother of his a bitch is ok

He lives in someone's spare room

You know what OP?

I rejected a first date from a guy who actually sounded ok on the grounds he slagged off his ex and camped out in a spare room.

See.

TealStar · 27/07/2017 18:49

Google narcissistic personality disorder OP. Unfortunately there are too many narcs about these days. One of their most defining characteristics is the way in which they like to sweep all around them off their feet. Until they get bored of you.

OfficerVanHalen · 27/07/2017 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthewaves · 27/07/2017 19:33

Run run run. Any man who talks about his kids mother like that is awful.

justtiredofcoping · 27/07/2017 20:08

you sound like you are discussing my EX - run a mile darling

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 27/07/2017 21:04

Alarm bells galore ringing. Agree that he sounds like a narcissist/sociopath and potentially emotionally and physically abusive (going by the vague "anger management" reference). They all can turn on the charm. Plus find it really odd that he brought up the prospect of having children with him when you haven't even slept together yet? Men like this who seem to be moving 100 miles an hour, planning your future after a week, promising the world etc generally turn out to be unstable or users at best and complete arseholes generally.

Lucyccfc · 27/07/2017 21:08

You sound just like my sister and I'll tell you how it worked out for her.

Though her new fella was lovely and she was desperate for a relationship with him.

2 kids by 2 other women. Never saw either child, chased by the CSA and called both Mothers 'bitches, greedy and a waste of space'.

Fast forward 2 years and my sister had a 1 year (he wanted her to have an abortion). He's seen his child once, never paid a penny and after she went to the CSA, he denied he was the Father. It's not got any better over the last nine years. No doubt he calls my sister a bitch too.

The red flags and warnings were there at the time but she was too desperate for a boyfriend to see them or listen to family and friends.

Get rid before you become my sister - listen to the ladies on here and run for the hills. You are worth more.

SteppingOnToes · 27/07/2017 21:22

Judge a man by how he talks about his exes - when you split that will be how he will talk about you.

RamsayBoltonsConscience · 27/07/2017 21:25

RUN and don't look back!

dangerrabbit · 27/07/2017 23:06

OP have you had thoughts about this thread. Have you decided what you are going to do now? I recommend you dump this loser for the reasons others have given. He is putting on a false face to lure you in but the way he speaks about others and his actions reveal his character.

LurpakIstheOnlyButter · 27/07/2017 23:51

Poo him on the BBQ, add charcoal, extra firelighters and lots and lots of petrol.

Hey presto - dick kebab.

That's the best advice I can offer

amazingtracy · 27/07/2017 23:52

Do you REALLY think that he's unavailable every Friday and Saturday night because he's with his kid? And you met him on Tinder you say?

Do I have to put 2 +2 together for you?

Run lady run!

movpov · 27/07/2017 23:59

So...doesn't see his child or pay child support voluntarily...calls his ex a bitch...has cheated on child's mother...changes jobs frequently...anger management classes...yup he sounds like a catch...not. Think you know what you should do OP

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