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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off him by his exs and kids?

155 replies

Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 12:16

I met a guy thought he was nice,had a few dates and he asked me to become official.
Here is the thing,he has 2 kids with two different women,1 he never sees because she won't let him and he hasn't been to court (the boy is 8) ..why isn't he fighting for him? Then he said the bitch has just started taking maintenance off me now..(so has he not paid in 8 years?)
All these thoughts in my head,what has he done that has stopped his ex not letting him know his own son.
He told me he used to be wild and through Facebook I seen he has had about 8 gfs in a few years.
He admitted he cheated on his eldest Childs mother and he is forever changing jobs after a few months.
So is he flakey?
The thing is when we are together he is great,he showers me with attention,makes me feel good.
We get on like a house on fire.
The other day he asked if I wanted children etc
Should I let that put me off?

OP posts:
PoisonousSmurf · 27/07/2017 12:38

I second 'Claire's Law'. He sounds very dodgy!

Pengggwn · 27/07/2017 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emilybrontescorset · 27/07/2017 12:39

I wouldn't date a man who called his ex a bitch for seeking child support.
Never mind the anger issues.

KinkyAfro · 27/07/2017 12:39

I don't think anything we say will put you off him will it? Crack on

Motoko · 27/07/2017 12:40

Yes you're wasting your time. You can't change him. If he says he'll change, HE'S LYING!

FFS OP, listen to everyone here.

grungeneverdied · 27/07/2017 12:41

Let me add from a male perspective I have a daughter from a past relationship, me and my daughters mum aren't best of friends. We stay civil and I see my daughter regularly and have done since she we split (when my daughter was 3 months). She has a few times used my daughter and access as a weapon. I will however not call the woman names and I've always paid for my daughter over the amount expected by the GOV. What I'm getting at is it's not always the guy that's the problem in these situations. But with your OP I'd say there's a lot of red flags and if I was you I would end contact immediately.

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/07/2017 12:41

He is absolutely dreadful, do not go near him. And make sure you explain that his childish irresponsible behaviour towards his own children is what has put you off.

KimmySchmidt1 · 27/07/2017 12:42

grungeneverdied - you left after 3 months. Wow.

emilybrontescorset · 27/07/2017 12:42

Oh and don't do anything to aid access.
He may be a violent twat so you really need to stop that . Anger issues is a euphemism for a very violent past.
I once dated a guy who had had ' anger issues' turns out he assaulted his ex w and their child.

mikeyssister · 27/07/2017 12:42

You're wasting your time.

If he had changed he would be paying maintenance.

My DF paid nothing for years for me and I will never understand how DSM, who also had kids, thought this was acceptable.

Ffswtf · 27/07/2017 12:44

Call me cynical but if you haven't slept with him yet then that's why he's being such a charmer, for now. Run and don't look back.

Eolian · 27/07/2017 12:45

Any one of the things you've listed about him would be reason enough to run. He is very obviously going to be a nightmare.

AdalindSchade · 27/07/2017 12:45

Jesus fuck woman listen to yourself!

Do people ever change? Sometimes, but where is the evidence he has? He hasn't applied for contact (costs less than £300) and he has only started paying maintenance because he has to! He hasn't changed.

You want to help him get contact? Why the fuck would you do that? He's a grown man and if he wanted contact he would have sorted it. He's not your project or your baby so stop trying to improve him

He did anger management classes? So he was violent to at least one partner and also anger management doesn't work for domestic violence so he is still potentially violent.

You've only known him 2 months. What you know is more than enough to bin him off. Where are your standards?

Arealhumanbeing · 27/07/2017 12:45

Yes it makes sense that what you know about him doesn't match his current behaviour. Well most of it. You might want to pay close attention to the language he uses about his ex's; bitch, taking maintenance "off" him etc.

He hasn't turned the poor behaviour/abuse on you yet but he will.

Please run. Please. You don't need an excuse or to explain it to him in detail. Just say it's not right for you and cut contact.

Will you?

AuntMarch · 27/07/2017 12:45

RUN.

A decent guy pays maintenance and keeps fighting to see his kids. I could never respect a man who didn't, and I could never be with someone I didn't have utmost respect for.

His kids' mothers probably had a good time with him at the beginning too.

Original poster
Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 12:46

In my head I just don't understand how you can get up each day knowing you have a child and not see them or know about them.
I couldn't cope with that

OP posts:
Arealhumanbeing · 27/07/2017 12:46

Just noticed the bit about the anger management classes.

Seriously, END THE RELATIONSHIP NOW!

BrokenBattleDroid · 27/07/2017 12:46

If your happy to be just another in that long line then go ahead...

But I suspect you have better aspirations that that. Don't let loneliness get in the way of all those red flags he's waving madly in your face.

BrokenBattleDroid · 27/07/2017 12:47

you're, grr

AuntMarch · 27/07/2017 12:47

Oh and

"Call me cynical but if you haven't slept with him yet then that's why he's being such a charmer, for now. Run and don't look back."

That.

Original poster
Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 12:47

I've cancelled him coming over tonight just so I can get a grip.
I've said I've got the flu.
I'm lonely at the minute and thought at last I've met someone who cares

OP posts:
grungeneverdied · 27/07/2017 12:47

@KimmySchmidt1 she had an affair whilst pregnant. Of course I left

VladmirsPoutine · 27/07/2017 12:47

There are more flags there than at a communist gathering.

Run like the wind. Remove your shoes if it'll help make the escape faster.

Arealhumanbeing · 27/07/2017 12:48

And don't waste time comparing what he does to what you would do.

You have empathy and regard for others. He doesn't. That's why he does things you can't comprehend.