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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off him by his exs and kids?

155 replies

Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 12:16

I met a guy thought he was nice,had a few dates and he asked me to become official.
Here is the thing,he has 2 kids with two different women,1 he never sees because she won't let him and he hasn't been to court (the boy is 8) ..why isn't he fighting for him? Then he said the bitch has just started taking maintenance off me now..(so has he not paid in 8 years?)
All these thoughts in my head,what has he done that has stopped his ex not letting him know his own son.
He told me he used to be wild and through Facebook I seen he has had about 8 gfs in a few years.
He admitted he cheated on his eldest Childs mother and he is forever changing jobs after a few months.
So is he flakey?
The thing is when we are together he is great,he showers me with attention,makes me feel good.
We get on like a house on fire.
The other day he asked if I wanted children etc
Should I let that put me off?

OP posts:
Kittychatcat · 27/07/2017 13:07

All the nice stuff he says to you doesn't add up with his actions does it? He has anger 'issues', a child he doesn't see, numerous exes, can't keep a job and no home. His actions tell you who he really and you should ignore all the sweet texts or declarations of how wonderful you are. When you end things be prepared for him to prove to be difficult to get rid of.

Once you are single get an appointment with a counsellor to work out why you keep getting involved with nasty men and work on building your self esteem.

stitchglitched · 27/07/2017 13:16

Please don't try to help him get access. You have no idea if it is safe or even in the child's interests for him to reappear. There is also the possibility that he is not actually allowed contact, but the 'evil ex' makes a better story to new girlfriends.

ShellyBoobs · 27/07/2017 13:17

This thread can't be for real?!

OP - you would have to be out of your mind to pursue this 'relationship'.

I wouldn't be able to run fast enough!

Kailoer · 27/07/2017 13:19

I'm in agreement - run for the hills - there are so many red flags and potential issues here it's unreal.

do yourself a favour and pass on this one, you deserve better than this!

Original poster
Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 13:21

If he had been violent wouldn't that have stopped access with his eldest child too?
Like I said he has him every Friday /Saturday night

OP posts:
Glumglowworm · 27/07/2017 13:21

Run for the hills

Of course he can do nice for a while. im sure he was nice to the exes for a while.

I don't understand how anyone can be with someone who resents paying a pittance to support their children, and who doesn't care about seeing their children.

If you stick around, you'll just end up another "psycho bitch ex" possibly with his third child that he won't pay towards or see.

Walkingtowork · 27/07/2017 13:22

Stop wasting time when you could be hunting down your own Prince Harry, I hope you find him x

VeryButchyRestingFace · 27/07/2017 13:23

I've started to have feelings but I'm worried if he drops me so fast and I get hurt.

Which part of you is having the feelz? Confused

It's clearly not your brain.

If it's your nether regions, go and sit on the washing machine when it's on full spin until the "feelings" pass.

Anecdoche · 27/07/2017 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Walkingtowork · 27/07/2017 13:31

I know this is AIBU but can we go easy on the OP? She's said she's lonely and wants someone who cares.

WinifredAtwellsOtherPiano · 27/07/2017 13:32

On the upside you have a mum who is sensible and cares about you, which is a prize above rubies.

Jjou · 27/07/2017 13:32

OP, this is a rare occurrence on AIBU: it's completely unanimous.
This guy isn't worth your time. Cut ties and keep looking for someone who deserves you.

Original poster
Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 13:32

It's been ages since I've had anyone.
It felt so nice to walk around holding hands and feeling loved up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 13:33

Yeah you can't all be wrong,not 1 poster thinks I should continue dating him
That gives me my answer doesn't it

OP posts:
BrokenBattleDroid · 27/07/2017 13:46

I hope it does give you your answer and sorry it isn't the one you wanted OP Flowers

Questioningeverything · 27/07/2017 13:53

Op I've been where you are. Making dumb choices.

Let me make it nice and easy- men like this don't change. Why would they? Women who are lonely and easy to manipulate such as yourself, fall for their patter. They go and make more babies, abuse the women who fall for their bullcrap and when the woman finally leave, they move on to the next one. They have like an inbuilt sense to see which woman in the crowd will believe they're the one who can change him.

As for the if he'd abused the one woman stopping him access to one dc, wouldn't he be stopped from seeing both- no. Not necessarily. You don't know the backstory. In all honesty, you don't want to know the backstory. He could have been physically abusive with the mother or even the child.
You just don't know. What you do know is, he's told you who and what he is. So end it and walk away before he stars abusing you.

mrsRosaPimento · 27/07/2017 14:05

Psycopath's show you what you want to see... Obviously it'll be different with you.Hmm

parrotseatemall · 27/07/2017 14:06

Even psycopaths and sociopaths have a 'nice' side!

In fact, especially psychopaths. They're absolutely brilliant at charming the pants off you.

OP you sound lovely. You're worth MUCH more than this loser, even though it's so nice to have someone hold you and say nice things. It won't last.

AdalindSchade · 27/07/2017 14:33

If he had been violent wouldn't that have stopped access with his eldest child too?

It is never as simple as that so no that means nothing

Eolian · 27/07/2017 14:34

I'm amazed that you're surprised he can be nice. If sociopathic, violent or abusive men all showed their true colours from dthe beginning, they'd never actually make it to a second date, never mind managing to get women to stay with them and have their children.

TheLegendOfBeans · 27/07/2017 14:44

HELLO?!

He's a turd!

And even if people do change why the fuck would you want to immerse yourself in all the shit he's got to deal with thanks to his love of irresponsibility.

Here's something else - I strongly invite others to disagree but here goes - any man, ANY who uses the "my ex is/was a psycho" is an ocean-going, copper-bottomed arsehole bar none.

Original poster
Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 15:34

He makes you feel like the centre of his world (if that makes sense) like he is only thinking of you and the amount of times he said "your a keeper "
It's a shame he has the baggage /issues

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 27/07/2017 15:35

Do you really need a bunch of strangers to tell you what you already know? You sounds incredibly needy and immature to the point that it's cringey. Surely you have more self worth then accept second best.

Original poster
Tinasally24 · 27/07/2017 15:48

How am I needy?

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 27/07/2017 15:51

In your posts you come across as desperate going through old facebook posts of conversation between him and his last ex about access to his DC. Your prepared to accept less because your desperate to make this work dispite it's being early days and so many red flags.