Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

to be upset that I may not be able to afford to start a family?

140 replies

thebluedragon · 26/07/2017 09:12

I'm 30. DH and I would like to start a family in the next couple of years. However, I have been researching costs (I'm a worrier and need to know that everything is in order before we start trying!), and I have absolutely no idea how we would be able to afford it.

We live in London which is so expensive anyway. After tax, I earn about £2k each month. DH earns roughly half that. After bills and outgoings (mortgage, maintenance, car, electricity, food) etc, we each end up with a couple of hundred to spend on ourselves. I know that we are fortunate and a lot of families manage on a lot less, but I just don't see how.

There are definitely some ways we could save money (e.g. batch cooking) and save a couple of hundred each month rather than enjoy meals out together). However, it's child care that I just do not see a way around.

I would have to return to work. DH would be happy to be a SAHD, but I don't think I would be able to pay all the bills and support three people on my salary alone. I've been researching the price of nurseries and the average in our area seems to be about £60 a day. This would be more than DH earns anyway.

We live close to our parents, but none would be able to provide daily childcare on a regular basis as they all work.

I could possibly earn a bit more by applying to promotions (if I got one), but not enough to support everyone comfortably. DH enjoys his job and even if he got a different one in the field it would pay roughly the same.

I am feeling really upset this morning. I thought we were in a great position financially and have a home etc (small 2 bed flat), but I just can't see how we could ever hope to afford childcare. I would love to hear from people in similar positions who have made it work. Sorry if I sound completely clueless! I don't want to rush into anything and, if we do manage to have a baby, I just want to be able to provide a wonderful life for him/her.

OP posts:

KoalaDownUnder · 26/07/2017 09:15

I don't want to be simplistic, but the obvious solution would be to leave London.

TimetohittheroadJack · 26/07/2017 09:15

1k a month is a pretty low wage, is your DH full time? Could he get something that pays more?
Could he do the childcare during the day and get an evening job?

Would you consider moving from London?

ShatnersWig · 26/07/2017 09:16

I don't have any advice but I wanted to say "good for you".

Others will be along to say that these things have a way of sorting themselves out and that if everyone waited until they were financially secure half the population might not have kids. And many of them are probably quite right.

But so many people give no thought to this at all and put more thought into what flatscreen TV to buy than whether they can afford to have kids when it 's the biggest decision ever.

I think you're very wise to stop and think. I suspect if you carry on thinking you'll work out enough of a solution to make it work for you. Bit of forward planning. At 30, you've certainly got a few years yet.

Good luck. I have no doubt but that it will happen.

dadadadathatslife · 26/07/2017 09:17

Are your family from London?

There are cheaper areas in the country to live! My DH and I earn about £4K a month between us and we live in Glasgow. It's more than enough to get buy comfortably.

I'm obviously not suggesting you move to Glasgow but your money may go a lot further elsewhere

rollonthesummer · 26/07/2017 09:18

Move out of London, start saving so you will be ok during a maternity leave. If DH is going to stay at home, can he get any sort of extra work-at the weekend/from home? Can you both work 4 days and juggle childcare? Can either of you get a promotion/new job?

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/07/2017 09:20

Move out of London.
Dh gets a job that pays more. Or works full time.
Or you both get extra jobs

RhubardGin · 26/07/2017 09:23

You'll need to move out of London I'm afraid.

Even just a few miles out will save you a fortune!

Is this something you would consider?

silkpyjamasallday · 26/07/2017 09:23

We moved out of London when I was pregnant, as DPs mum had terminal cancer, so we moved back to our hometown and DP had to find a new job as his job in London wouldn't let him have time off to be with his mum. His salary here is half what he earned in London but we manage to get by easily and with a few hundred pounds of personal spending left on a salary close to your DPs. We don't pay rent as my parents bought us a house here, but even if we were paying market rent we would still be able to get by with me as a SAHM. Housing costs are the main expense, could you move to a cheaper part of London or out of London all together? If we had stayed in London we would have been able to get by but it would have meant giving up all luxuries as rent was so high.

RiverTam · 26/07/2017 09:24

Nursery isn't the only childcare option, and personally I'm not in favour of it with young babies anyway. Look into childminders and nanny shares.

You sound very sensible so I'd do a thorough breakdown of where you can save money - for example changing to own brand products in your shopping.

And you're still very young (to me!), you have some time to save. Change some habits now if you can.

And yes, not everyone can just leave London - we can't, we both work in an industry that is based in London.

VladmirsPoutine · 26/07/2017 09:25

I too want to say good for you.

Yes people will be along to say - you can't plan these things and it all eventually works out anyway and you might be entitled to xyz - but you're very right to plan.

As is stands you could either leave London but then again would you be able to commute because if you leave your job, though not impossible, it would be harder to match a 'London' wage in for example York or where-ever.

The issue of cost of childcare is a bloody nightmare. Many people that choose to keep working are often just about breaking even or actually making a loss - but I'd advise any young woman to keep a foot in the door of her job/career anyway. It might just be that if you want to stay in London your H might have to become a SAHD or drastically reduce hours though as you say you might not be able to meet all the financial demands solo.
I'd go for the promotions just as a matter of course because you never know.

Alltheusernamesalreadyinuse · 26/07/2017 09:25

Don't worry about the finances. There will always be very good reasons not to have a child, but if you want one and will care about him/her, then have one. The finances even etc... really will sort themselves out! I don't think money should be reason not to have a child, especially if you are a lovely caring couple who will make good parents. Just go for it. If I had thought about it too much I'd never had had ds1 or ds2. But fortunately I listened to my heart and put my head on hold for both and everything has worked itself out! Not saying it will be easy, it won't! But it's hard having children for anyone!

Go for it!

Original poster

thebluedragon · 26/07/2017 09:26

Thank you everyone for your replies. Shatners, I really appreciate that, thank you!

To answer questions... DH is full time, yes. He works in a technical field, in a job he really enjoys, but doesn't have further qualifications such as a degree or further training, so is still really at the entry level of it, despite having done it for about 8 years. We have spoken about him doing some further training, but he lacks the confidence to do it and we have no savings to pay for it.

With regards to moving out of London, I would be willing to do this. However, DH is very close to his family so doesn't want to move away from them. Plus our salaries are both London weighted, so if we moved, I especially would take a big hit to my earnings. I would love to live somewhere more rural though!

OP posts:

japonicaleaf · 26/07/2017 09:26

Yep you need to move out of London.

PLUS, if you wait til you can afford to have a baby, you will never have one.

You do cope. You will cope.

I promise.

peachgreen · 26/07/2017 09:32

DH and I were in the same position (although DH actually earned between £2.5-3k a month - but worked two jobs / very long hours). We left London, I'm afraid. It was hard because our support network was there, but it was the only way we could possibly afford to start a family and have choices about how we parent. Yes, we took paycuts, but not massive - DH didn't take one at all (although he gave up his second job) and mine was around £5k p/a (but I also took a step backwards for better work/life balance). It's honestly not the gigantic jump you're told it is in London.

Our mortgage more than halved for a property more than double the size. Pretty much all our living costs reduced. And our lifestyle is far more suited to family life. Yes, I miss London, and I miss our friends and family - but it's been more than worth it.

Unless at least one of you is a high earner, raising a family in London is just too hard.

Glumglowworm · 26/07/2017 09:33

Start saving seriously, skip most of the meals out and start batch cooking and whatever other easy changes you've identified

You'll need savings to help support you during maternity leave.

Would DH's employer part fund further training?

Moving out of London might work but you either then need to change jobs (probably to lower pay) or factor in commuting costs so it may not save as much as you'd like

Can you both do compressed hours in your jobs so you did five days hours in four days? Then you'd only have three days of childcare to pay for.

VladmirsPoutine · 26/07/2017 09:35

Yep you need to move out of London.

You don't need to do anything. I imagine that if all the families that couldn't afford to live in London were to leave there'd probably just be William and Kate left to amuse themselves in their palace.

It is an option but I would be wary of leaving considering the opportunities here.

ImperialBlether · 26/07/2017 09:36

It's all about what your husband wants, isn't it? He's only on £12,000 per year, doesn't see a way of improving that (though it's obvious to you) and he wants to live in London and stay at home with the baby while all the pressure for bringing in money stays with you.

If he wants a child, he can't do all of the above.

thethoughtfox · 26/07/2017 09:39

Let DH show how prepared he is for being a SAHD by taking over the shopping, cleaning and batch cooking.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 26/07/2017 09:40

We moved out of London. Mortgage and childcare was cheaper. Commute costs more expensive. I retrained and changed my job so I'm more flexible. We changed our lifestyle. Money that was spent on us gets spent on the kids.....

Theworldisfullofidiots · 26/07/2017 09:40

rollonthesummer · 26/07/2017 09:41

I earn more than he does working two days a week and I didn't think my salary was particularly good! No matter how much he lives he job, if that's what he's earning after doing the job for 8 years, perhaps he needs to rethink his career progression?

RhubardGin · 26/07/2017 09:42

Well you need to tell your DH that you can't have it all.

If you want to start a family, something has to give.

Moving
Your DH finding a better paid job

Or is your DH quite happy for you to do all the hard work?

Zebrasinpyjamas · 26/07/2017 09:47

Have you looked into what child benefits /tax savings on childcare (Google tax free childcare), you'd be entitled to? Plus I know it's a long way down the line but my nursery bill is significantly lower now Dc1 is three. Nursery fees are cheaper plus he is going to get the 30 hrs 'free'. If you knew any childcare costs would drop at 3yrs can you save enough to tide you over til then?
Also think about your other costs that will change, eg I don't go out for dinner/big nights out any more (partially financial and partially lifestyle related) so obviously spend less compared to before dc.

toosexyforyahshirt · 26/07/2017 09:49

A full time, technical, London weighted job that makes 1000 a month? Is that even min wage?

Original poster

thebluedragon · 26/07/2017 09:49

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I was part expecting to be flamed and told not to worry about something that hasn't happened yet or that I sound entitled!

I'm going to try to do the thing in bold to reply to some posters individually...

River Thank you, I agree we need to start changing some habits now. We eat out a good few times a month, so that should definitely stop now!

Vladmir Thank you also. I couldn't believe how expensive childcare was when I looked at fees! I was honestly shocked! If either of us stays at home, it will definitely be DH.

Glum Thank you. I'm going to check out threads I have seen on here with tips for batch cooking. We waste so much money on food each month! I think it's a possibility that DHs employer could part fund some training. I know there is a need for it at his place of work. I have spoken about this with him before; however, he just doesn't want to do it. He says he wouldn't be able to do as the training is very technical. I'm sure he would. He is an intelligent person, but issues that he had at school has left him with no confidence in areas of education.

Thank you again to everyone else who has taken the time to reply. I am reading all of them, I assure you! It's making me feel better that there are options.

As I've said, I would love to move out of London, but DH just doesn't want to. He is more of the "everything will work itself out" camp, whereas I am more of a worrier/planner (as you can probably tell!).

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6