to be upset that I may not be able to afford to start a family?

[thebluedragon]

I'm 30. DH and I would like to start a family in the next couple of years. However, I have been researching costs (I'm a worrier and need to know that everything is in order before we start trying!), and I have absolutely no idea how we would be able to afford it.

We live in London which is so expensive anyway. After tax, I earn about £2k each month. DH earns roughly half that. After bills and outgoings (mortgage, maintenance, car, electricity, food) etc, we each end up with a couple of hundred to spend on ourselves. I know that we are fortunate and a lot of families manage on a lot less, but I just don't see how.

There are definitely some ways we could save money (e.g. batch cooking) and save a couple of hundred each month rather than enjoy meals out together). However, it's child care that I just do not see a way around.

I would have to return to work. DH would be happy to be a SAHD, but I don't think I would be able to pay all the bills and support three people on my salary alone. I've been researching the price of nurseries and the average in our area seems to be about £60 a day. This would be more than DH earns anyway.

We live close to our parents, but none would be able to provide daily childcare on a regular basis as they all work.

I could possibly earn a bit more by applying to promotions (if I got one), but not enough to support everyone comfortably. DH enjoys his job and even if he got a different one in the field it would pay roughly the same.

I am feeling really upset this morning. I thought we were in a great position financially and have a home etc (small 2 bed flat), but I just can't see how we could ever hope to afford childcare. I would love to hear from people in similar positions who have made it work. Sorry if I sound completely clueless! I don't want to rush into anything and, if we do manage to have a baby, I just want to be able to provide a wonderful life for him/her.

Well, the good news is that if your mortgage is only 20% of your total outgoings, then you don't have to leave London.

The bad news (or perhaps bracing news) is that as a matter of urgency, you need to sit down and create a budget. Where is all your money going every month?

I know a lot of pp have suggested you leave London. However there are huge upsides to living in London with a family - there's so much to do, and much of it is free.

Good luck, OP.

You sound great. Really hope it all works out!

Where on earth have you got the impression that there is no funding for assistant head roles outside of London? Literally every school in the country has a senior leadership team. You do one of the few jobs which you can literally do anywhere in the country and be paid well for it.

I don't know if you are primary or secondary but L10 is a good estimate for the lower end of a secondary assistant head scale (although some schools start their AHs higher). Currently:

L10 England & Wales: £48,710
L10 London fringe: £49,788
L10 Outer London: £51, 806
L10 Inner London: £56, 083

London weighting isn't as generous as you might think once you take into account the costs of childcare along with everything else. DH and I are both in leadership roles. When we moved from London to another major city he took no pay cut; I went part-time and took a cut in that respect but maintained my point on the scale.

You've had lots of good suggestions here. A few things to consider (sorry if I'm repeating others)

• on the financials have a look at the free hours you get from the government and see how that will impact childcare costs. But take care as 30 free hours does not always mean they are actually free - there is usually a top up.

• see if either you or your husband can get childcare vouchers through your employer (think there is a replacement scheme for this but I don't know the details). This offers further savings

• budget and start saving now

• consider whether you can adjust working patterns between you and your husband to reduce childcare hours. Aren't there of places which, for example, have put of hours IT support requirements? If, as I understand it, you are a teacher than that puts you in a great position regarding holidays and minimising the need for childcare once they are in school.

• consider a childminder rather than nursery

• discuss seriously with your husband your joint plans for the future. If he continues working how to get a better paying job or whether to change his working patterns. It sounds like he is fearful of change so perhaps a 'project plan' broken down into baby steps will help.

One option could be for him to stay at home and then start studies once your baby is in nursery with free hours with a view to re-entering the market at a better level. But you have to be a motivated self starter for that. Not sure if he ticks that box?

Best get your 🦆 🦆 🦆 before a baby - so much harder after!

Good luck!

I'm a teacher and dh is in IT support. We earn very similar salaries to you and your dh, but the difference is that we live in the North and our outgoings are much smaller than yours.

We have a 3 bed semi that cost £110k, so a very small mortgage compared to south East prices.

We have 2 DC's, although we've got a big age gap so only ever 1 set of full time childcare. We use a childminder as it works out much cheaper than nursery, she charged £40 per day when dd2 was small, and now dd is at school breakfast and after school is just over £10 per day.

We're pretty comfortable. We manage to save a reasonable amount each month, ready for dd1 going to uni next year.

There are plenty of SLT jobs going in my area, and there aren't anywhere near as many schools as there are in London.

Agree re moving away. You don't have to move FAR away - would that satisfy DH? We live 40 min train away from Waterloo and bought a 3 bed house for less than we sold our 2 bed flat for. Can still pop into London whenever to see your family?

I'm glad you've got a plan OP.

I think fundamentally your DH needs to understand and accept that if he wants a family then that's totally achievable but some things have to change in order to make that happen.

So if he is adamant on staying in London then he needs to get over his fears about training more or getting a better paid job. If he doesn't want to do that then he might need to compromise on location and moving out of London.The third option is to drastically change your style of living and try to make ends meet, but that feels again like you're making the lions share of the compromise whilst he changes nothing - is that really fair? It's also not sustainable long term - might work for one child but if you want more than one, will you really want to stay long term in a 2 bed flat? So you'll be having the same issues, just a few years down the line.

I'm coming late to this thread, and I'm pleased that you're not feeling as anxious about the situation as you were at the start.
But I'd urge you and your DH to discuss this between you, and to agree a 5 year plan. Don't take on the burden of worry about how the future will pan out, while your DH continues to assume 'it'll all work itself out'. Unless you have the same focus, you risk ending up resenting each other.

In regards to your husband retraining, has he thought about the OU? It is what I am doing and it is regarded well with lots of the FTSE companies. It might help him regain his confidence and from the sounds of it he would qualify for student finance. It would help with his earning potential but in a flexible way where he can put a pause in if he needs. It is also significantly cheaper than most other universities.

ktown in fairness if the OP really wants a baby I don't think t is a good idea to wait a couple of years, she's already 30, and may not fall pregnant straight away.
I appreciate you are glad that you waited until you were 34 but the fact is that fertility levels take a sharp decline around 32, and the OP needs to bear this in mind.

The main issue here OP is, what does your DH want, to stay in his comfy job with his mates, or be able to afford to have children?
If the former, are you happy with that long term?

ktown in fairness if the OP really wants a baby I don't think t is a good idea to wait a couple of years, she's already 30, and may not fall pregnant straight away.
I appreciate you are glad that you waited until you were 34 but the fact is that fertility levels take a sharp decline around 32, and the OP needs to bear this in mind.

I agree with this. I had all of my children by the age of 32 but it was far more problems for me to fall pregnant with the last than the first-it took absolutely ages.

Do you really need a car? I only ask because I live in a big city and have children and I cope very well without one.

I do think this is a great thread as many will probably be in the same situation as you. I hope you work it all out.

OP, £1k a month is not even minimum wage. there's obviously some hefty deductions or something you don't know about.

use this

OP, I work in the same field as your DH. I know it must seem really daunting for him to think about moving to another company as using you are support specific software/hardware etc. and you think that your skills won't transfer.

As someone who has done this twice now and has felt this, I would like to say that he should not worry about that at all! Once you know the ground basic/common sense of how software/hardware usually works then you can usually pick up all the new stuff really quickly when you transfer to a new company. I know so many people that just jump from company to company in 1st-3rd line support roles because they know that you can usually understand the basics everywhere.

Additionally - has he thought about becoming a contractor?? The pay for this - especially in 1st-3rd line support roles - is absolutely great, and I'm sure in London there will be loads of opportunities for this. Could be especially fitting as you could pick ones that would suit your terms? Such as a 1 year contract when you are off on mat leave??

Not sure this helps in anyway, but might give you some more talking points when you have a chat about his job.

Good luck OP!

OP is your DH working full time?
PO is right £1000 a month clear is under NMW.

Pre tax it works out at £13000pa, which for a 35 hour working week equals £7.18 an hour, NMW is £7.50

Mother just because you and your friends got pregnant easily it isn't a given that everyone will!
It's no use saying you have another five years, 30 is already well past a woman's fertile peak and fertility drops rapidly after the age of 32.

Have you considered teaching abroad ?
Many families get a real leg up by working where I live .
Tax free, housing provided, great lifestyle for families , schools full of lovely kids .
Take home pay is much higher than the UK.
DH could get a IT / tech support role in the same school and earn more than the cost of your other living expenses because of low cost of household help/childcare

I second *chickenbhuna"'s query about the car.

Work out how much you might save by not having one: tax, insurance, MOT, servicing, fuel vs what you would reasonably expect to pay for public transport/ the occasional hire.

@habibihabibi the DP wont even leave London I can't see him moving to the big scary abroad!

I echo what others have said about really nailing down your budget now, know exactly what all of your expenses are (and reduce where possible - insurance(s), utilities, even mortgage are worth looking at), and then save as much as possible. Save before spending, rather than the other way around - if you haven't got ISAs then this is a great time to start (money saving expert has great advice and explanation).

Also, for both of you, definitely look at increasing income where possible; I know a lot has been said about your Dh looking for a new job, would he look at other training to help his cv stand out - this may also help his confidence and make him see that he can apply elsewhere.

As for the location, well it sounds to me like you actually want to relocate - so if I were you I'd be constantly looking at job opportunities elsewhere, and applying if something great comes up! It sounds as if your Dh is comfortable with your current life, so maybe a jolt to make him realise that you're not may help? I can understand him wanting to be close to family, but you don't have to move far away. And it's not just housing costs that will decrease, childcare costs will too! I'd advise if you are looking at moving you do consider future schooling - moving into a good catchment will make life loads easier in the future (and to some degree help insulate in case of housing market downturn as people always want to live near the good schools!)

I had 3 children by the age of 27. My 2nd husband and I started TTC when I was 38. I didn't get pregnant until I was 43, and that ended in miscarriage. I never had another pregnancy.
I would err on the side of caution and not leave it too much longer before TTC.

OP, your DH could work for Lidl or Aldi for more than he's earning now. (Here in Wales, they pay between £8-£9 an hour.)

Go through your budget. Make sure you're getting the best deals on your utilities. Council tax can be paid over 12 months instead of 10, reducing the monthly payment a little.
Keep a spending diary for a month. Record EVERYTHING you spend in it, right down to the 60p chocolate bar you buy. Go through your shopping receipts and see what you could cut out.

Check grocery prices on MySupermarket.com. Drop down to own brand or value items, and compare prices per kilo/100gs of items.

Make a meal plan and a shopping list. Stick to the items on the list, unless there's a special offer on an item that isn't perishable and that you normally use.

Make lunches for work. Only have a takeaway once a fortnight or month.

If you buy high end cosmetics, buy cheaper. The expensive ones really only cost a small amount more to make (if at all) than the cheaper ones. Exotic cosmetic ingredients advertised on the packaging are usually only used in a tiny amount, often as little as only 1 or 2% of the total. Read the ingredients list, it is listed in proportion, so a lotion will have water at the top, and e.g shea will be quite a way down the list.

Good luck OP. I think you need to start being firmer with DH. So far it all seems to be on his terms.