to be upset that I may not be able to afford to start a family?

[thebluedragon]

I'm 30. DH and I would like to start a family in the next couple of years. However, I have been researching costs (I'm a worrier and need to know that everything is in order before we start trying!), and I have absolutely no idea how we would be able to afford it.

We live in London which is so expensive anyway. After tax, I earn about £2k each month. DH earns roughly half that. After bills and outgoings (mortgage, maintenance, car, electricity, food) etc, we each end up with a couple of hundred to spend on ourselves. I know that we are fortunate and a lot of families manage on a lot less, but I just don't see how.

There are definitely some ways we could save money (e.g. batch cooking) and save a couple of hundred each month rather than enjoy meals out together). However, it's child care that I just do not see a way around.

I would have to return to work. DH would be happy to be a SAHD, but I don't think I would be able to pay all the bills and support three people on my salary alone. I've been researching the price of nurseries and the average in our area seems to be about £60 a day. This would be more than DH earns anyway.

We live close to our parents, but none would be able to provide daily childcare on a regular basis as they all work.

I could possibly earn a bit more by applying to promotions (if I got one), but not enough to support everyone comfortably. DH enjoys his job and even if he got a different one in the field it would pay roughly the same.

I am feeling really upset this morning. I thought we were in a great position financially and have a home etc (small 2 bed flat), but I just can't see how we could ever hope to afford childcare. I would love to hear from people in similar positions who have made it work. Sorry if I sound completely clueless! I don't want to rush into anything and, if we do manage to have a baby, I just want to be able to provide a wonderful life for him/her.

IT helpdesk jobs are not so technical that they can only be found in London.

Who does he think mans the IT helpdesk in NHS trusts outside of London? Who mans the IT helpdesk in financial companies, pharmaceutical companies, every other major employer based outside of London?

Here are 172 IT helpdesk jobs in Yorkshire, all paying more than your husband is earning. He will easily get a similar job outside of London.

www.indeed.co.uk/m/jobs?q=Helpdesk&l=West+Yorkshire

I completely agree with posters who are saying that DH needs to get a better paid job. I have been saying this to him myself!

Thank you to all of your replies so far. They are really giving me good ideas to consider.

I understand why DH is getting a roasting and I think a lot of it is justified. However, to the minority of posters who have implied this... If the sexes were reversed and a husband was earning 40k (which is what I will be earning in a few months time having applied for a promotion), and the wife was working full time, but on a low salary, and did the majority of housework, cooking, household admin etc and wanted to become a SAHM in the future if they could afford for her to, would you be qustioning why he wanted to have children with her/married her?

-I understand why DH is getting a roasting and I think a lot of it is justified. However, to the minority of posters who have implied this... If the sexes were reversed and a husband was earning 40k (which is what I will be earning in a few months time having applied for a promotion), and the wife was working full time, but on a low salary, and did the majority of housework, cooking, household admin etc and wanted to become a SAHM in the future if they could afford for her to, would you be qustioning why he wanted to have children with her/married her?

If the partner earning minimum wage demanded to stay in London to have kids because they couldn't get a similar job elsewhere as it was so technical, I would think they were being ridiculous. Whether they were male or female.

True OP but you're asking for solutions as to how you can afford DC and one of them is for your DH to look for a better paid job, working in IT for £1k a month is just madness, he would easily be able to find a job using his skills for more money.
The same rationale would be applied if it was a woman in the same situation.

Ok, so i agree he needs to get a better job. I feel a lot less anxious about it all than first thing this morning so thank you everyone. If childcare will cost £1000 per month, we need to up our income by that much.

I have looked up IT jobs in our area and there are some that would almost double his salary. I will talk to him about it when he is home. The problem is, I know what he will say because it's what he's been saying for the past 2 years... That his pay rise should start in a month or so and if not, he'll look then .

If the partner earning minimum wage demanded to stay in London to have kids because they couldn't get a similar job elsewhere as it was so technical, I would think they were being ridiculous. Whether they were male or female.

Yup!

your problem is you can't afford for DH to be a SAHD. If you can, what is the issue?

hat his pay rise should start in a month or so and if not, he'll look then

Does he have any 'trusted friends' who he admires/respects that can give his head a svivel about how work are taking advantage and help him sort his CV and look for new jobs?

A couple of practicalities it might be worth thinking about:

If your DH were to be a SAHP until the child is 3 (and eligible for some free child care), would you be able to rely on him to sort out the cooking/house as well? Obviously I'm not suggesting he should do absolutely all of it, but he should be in charge, if you see what I mean, with you helping as much as you can around work. (Apologies if this sounds patronising towards your DH, he might be really responsible and reliable when it comes to these things; but if he isn't it could create issues down the line; being a SAHP and running a house is really hard with young kids, and more tiring than any job I've ever done).

Would your current employer give you a decent amount of paid time off? How long would you like to stay at home with the baby? Six weeks? Six months? A year? You might have to save up for that time given your DH's low wage.

Finally, how high is your rent/mortgage? If it is 50% or less of your net income, I think you will be absolutely fine. If it is more than 65% or so, you will have to budget very carefully for a couple of years.

Just a couple of things to think about.

It sounds as if your DH is very reluctant to leave his comfort zone: low-paid but predictable job, living near his family.

He might find that something has to give if he wants to have children.

Ok. Appologies. I think I got a bit defensive about some of the comments about my DH and almost derailed my own thread! For what it's worth, I definitely agree that he needs a new job.

LittleBird Thank you. My DH is good at running a household and is fantastic with young children. He currently does the majority of household work/admin at the moment, and would enjoy being a SAHD. However, for this to happen, I would have to earn enough to support everyone.

As a teacher the maternity leave is good, but I am starting a new school in September, so am unsure about the exact details for this employer.

The mortgage is about 20% of our net income. I've just scribbled down on a sheet of paper all our set outgoings like electricity etc and I really dont know where our money goes. We must be really awful at managing money! Which is making me feel really cross at myself but also hopeful that we could sort this out and make it work in the future...

If you have a two bedroom flat why not get a lodger for a year or so before you have the baby and need the extra room

Does he have any 'trusted friends' who he admires/respects that can give his head a svivel about how work are taking advantage and help him sort his CV and look for new jobs?

The best people would be his family. All his close friends work with him! He has an older brother and sister, both of whom encourage him to find better jobs. His brother, who he admires, is quite vocal about him needing to get a better paid IT job. His parents, however, whilst both being in good jobs themselves, say that he doesn't need to move if he is happy because he is lucky as most people hate their jobs...

It sound like your husband is scared of leaving his comfort zone re his job OP, which is understandable, but at the end of the day, is that more important to him than being able to afford to start a family?

Yes OP make a budget - it's a painful exercise but it really opens your eyes to where your money is going! We used to think those little coffees and a £8 lunch rather than a £4.50 lunch and an Uber once in a while etc don't make a difference but saw how much of our money was going into these and it shocked us!

I'm all for spending on things that give us joy - we buy hardback books because we love them, we get a cleaner once a fortnight because it makes life so much better. But we pack lunch 4 days a week and spent money on an excellent coffee machine and have fantastic coffee at home for much less than a weekly Starbucks habit.

Good luck with your chat, and kudos for being sensible enough to consider this before starting a family! One idea for your DH might be to go interview and get a competing job offer, and then ask his employer if they will match it. If they value him that much they should. It does look like they're taking him for granted!

PS all fair and well his parents saying that, but if he wasn't with you, and on his current wage, he'd be lucky to afford a flatsharw in London!

Bear in mind that maternity leave as a teacher is only 4 weeks full time. You can have a year off but 13 weeks are totally unpaid and 21 weeks are paid as SMP which is about £120 a week. Could you survive on your DH's wage whilst you were earning this?

We have always had a fabulous childminder which is cheaper than nurseries and also means our dc had lots of different experiences by being taken to different groups etc so definitely worth considering. DH and I also worked compressed hours (I.e 5 days in 4) which not only gave us time off with the dc but also less childcare costs (only 3 days per week) but wages unaffected. As a teacher, I guess this isn't an option for you but should be an option for your DH so would save one day a week on childcare if he didn't want to give up work. Also most companies offer a childcare voucher scheme which saves some money on childcare costs. If you both earn under 50k each, there is also family allowance.

He's definitely scared to leave his comfort zone, I agree. He started applying to jobs a little while ago, and he even got an interview, but then his boss told him about his plans to promote him and give him this elusive pay rise again which has still not happened .

Everyone who works there are friends and they go out socialising together, so I think he finds it hard to accept that his boss and friend would be stringing him along. So he clings to this elusive pay rise as an excuse not to push himself out of his comfort zone.

Leave it a couple of years
Your DH may be better paid and you will be more settled then
You are still very young
You are right to think about these things - a stable future with minimal stress for you and your kids is the ideal aim. I am glad I waited until 34!

Honestly, if your mortgage is that low, it should leave you with 1800 in your account to spend on Bills, food etc. It should be entirely feasible to live off that with your DH being a SAHP. It sounds like he would be good at it and enjoy it too!

DH and I have 1600 left every month once I deduct our mortgage and childcare costs. And like I said, we are doing fine on that, not counting every penny, allowing ourselves some luxuries (plane tickets, an organic veg box - the things that really matter to us). Plus, things will get easier once one of our kids goes to school etc, so this is temporary.

But yes, setting yourself a weekly food shop budget, avoiding "top ups", getting used to meal planning and batch cooking should become the new normal. Meals/drinks out really add up, as do "impulse buys" (retailers LOVE it when we impulse buy ;) ).

Just observe your own spending patterns for the next week or two. Where do you find it easy to spend money? I find that when I shop online, I will carefully select cheaper options to make sure I stay within a strict budget. In contrast, when I am out in a pub or cafe, I can quite easily spend a tenner on two coffees and two slices of cake. It's really good to be aware of where your "traps" are. That's probably where your money is disappearing!

Friends In a similar position (household income 3k p m, already home owners) all moved

• to eltham
• to bexleyheath
• to Thurrock
• to Dagenham (2 bed house only £290k still).

U can't have it all. Sorry.

My DH and I struggled with a £450k house and joint salary of £80k with DC1. And this was when you got child tax credit & child benefit in this range

Move

Lots of places in london or commutable are bargains. Look at Thurrock, or the line out to Hornchurch and Romford x

I think you need to (gently) ask DH whether he's prepared to prioritise having kids over staying at his current level at work. Because while it's understandable that confidence issues might be holding him back, he needs to understand that it's stopping you progressing your hope of starting a family. I would also take steps to build up your savings in the meantime. For example, would moving to a cheaper area be possible? Selling the car, taking in a lodger, doing some freelance tutoring/exam invigilation work? Can DH get a second job? Also your costs do fall once free nursery hours kick in - it's just a matter of having enough in the bank to get you through maternity leave and the early years.

You need to go through your outgoings carefully.

In IT in London there are the equivalent of trained monkeys on £40k+ (sorry to sound controversial/flippant but it's based on my experience). I can't understand how he earns what he does - I think others have explained what he needs to do. Again not meaning to be dismissive towards people in these fields, but he could take up an entry-level service/hospitality role and be on much more.

Just realised I got my maths wrong in my previous post, you should have 1600 left off just your salary after your mortgage.

I would start saving now (you can probably save at least 500 a month, probably much more if you try). That should tie you over for your maternity leave, and then your DH could take over while you go back to work.

Honestly, thank you everybody so much for your replies. I feel so much better than I did earlier. Ktown You are right. I will leave it until we are financially comfortable. Thank you to everybody who has told me I am still young! Everyone I know who is my age, or younger, and married/living with partners have mostly all started to have babies so I think that freaked me out a bit.

In the meantime, I will start to take better care of our money. I know I must be wasting it! We eat out quite a lot and often have takeaways. I think I will start by making cut backs and putting what we would have spent on a meal out, for example, in a savings account.

I will also talk to DH about looking for better paid jobs.

If we're in the same position in a couple of years we will have to move!