to be upset that I may not be able to afford to start a family?

[thebluedragon]

I'm 30. DH and I would like to start a family in the next couple of years. However, I have been researching costs (I'm a worrier and need to know that everything is in order before we start trying!), and I have absolutely no idea how we would be able to afford it.

We live in London which is so expensive anyway. After tax, I earn about £2k each month. DH earns roughly half that. After bills and outgoings (mortgage, maintenance, car, electricity, food) etc, we each end up with a couple of hundred to spend on ourselves. I know that we are fortunate and a lot of families manage on a lot less, but I just don't see how.

There are definitely some ways we could save money (e.g. batch cooking) and save a couple of hundred each month rather than enjoy meals out together). However, it's child care that I just do not see a way around.

I would have to return to work. DH would be happy to be a SAHD, but I don't think I would be able to pay all the bills and support three people on my salary alone. I've been researching the price of nurseries and the average in our area seems to be about £60 a day. This would be more than DH earns anyway.

We live close to our parents, but none would be able to provide daily childcare on a regular basis as they all work.

I could possibly earn a bit more by applying to promotions (if I got one), but not enough to support everyone comfortably. DH enjoys his job and even if he got a different one in the field it would pay roughly the same.

I am feeling really upset this morning. I thought we were in a great position financially and have a home etc (small 2 bed flat), but I just can't see how we could ever hope to afford childcare. I would love to hear from people in similar positions who have made it work. Sorry if I sound completely clueless! I don't want to rush into anything and, if we do manage to have a baby, I just want to be able to provide a wonderful life for him/her.

I would be tempted to say that husband has 1/2/3 months (whatever you can live with) for promised pay rise to arrive. If it doesn't then he agrees he will start applying elsewhere. If he gets another job with a pay rise there's nothing to stop him approaching his current boss to see if they will match it. In fact, in my experience, the prospect of losing people is often the impetus employers need to actually make changes.

I am just approaching the end of my mat leave with DS1. We live in the south east. We had a combined income of over £70k (will be less once I go back as returning part time) and it still wont be easy to manage due to high housing costs etc. We saved up enough to pay the mortgage for a year before we started ttc and I would absolutely do the same again as I've really enjoyed my time off and have been able to take the maximum. It's definitely worth doing a bit of planning if you can!

I have to say that I'm another one that will say don't leave it too long before you TTC. It took me many, many long and agonising years to get pg, and I started trying when I was 29 (all sorts of unidentified and unexplained problems).

It is true that there is never a right time to have children - the absolutely "best" set of circumstances will never happen. Sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith. Conversely, I totally applaud your desire to plan financially. From reading the thread it does look as if you have to have a clear, sensible, unemotional (!) conversation with your DH about both moving (we live "oop north" and yet my own DH works in London), and his looking for a new job. From what you have said, it would appear that he is the only one that is railing against moving jobs. If you both, truly, want a child, then he will surely have to admit that changes need to be made.

If you want a child then you will make it work. Honest. Good luck.

Definitely go on MSE and do a statement of affairs, posters there will help you find ways to save money. I suggest you get your DH involved with all this as it's his area within your partnership. I found the program YNAB helpful for tracking spending when I was preparing to have my kids. You'll need to sit down monthly to keep on track with it. If your plans for a family will require, for example, cutting down/out meals out could you try that for a year and put the money into savings for your future expanded family? Could you get second jobs in the evening/weekends/holidays to stash money now. A teacher friend does exam marking, your DH could try something new? Maybe agree a time limit for your partner to seriously increase his salary, after which time you'll start applying for and looking to move to other areas. You could also look at moving out of London anyway to see how you find it, renting out your flat for a year or two, which would save you money. You have lots of options. I appreciate your DH is lacking in confidence, would it be an option to invest in a bit of career/confidence coaching or some other activity to build his confidence? Based on what other posters have said, even an investment of £££ now would be recouped within the first month or two of a higher paying job in his field.

Honestly, the fertility thing over 35 is consistently overstated. That doesn't invalidate people's personal experience, but statistically it's not quite so www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

Lots of great advice above. I too suggest giving a time limit for DHs job. Then apply for others, and if he gets offered a better paid one give his current boss the chance to match it IN WRITING and immediately or else leave.

Do you have a spare room? As you could consider a lodger for a couple of years before TTC, and tuck the rent money away to help with childcare costs until baby turns 3 when it's most expensive. Or hosting a foreign student for 2-3 weeks in the summer, teach them for 3 hours in the day, Living Learning English agency take on qualified teachers to do this.

The benefit of living in London with its ridiculous commuting and accommodation costs are the London salaries. You aren't on London salaries. You aren't even on good salaries for the East Midlands! Teachers and IT helpdesk staff get paid way more than that here. We're about to recruit for IT apprentices and that starts at just under £21k! You should definitely look at moving you'd have a much better life.

Use your equity in your london flat to move somewhere with a reduced mortgage. Your salaries shouldn't reduce much. With the reduced mortgage, your dh can hopefully be a SAHD as you plan.

Are you in a particularly expensive area of London? Could you possibly reduce your mortgage and stay in london??

You could rent out your current flat and have some income from it while you move out to a cheaper area, perhaps in the outer suburbs?

You would obviously need deposit saved for that too though. It is just a possibility.

I honestly think that if I had waited until I could really afford to have children then I would never have had them. I am glad I went ahead and had them anyway.

I find it quite bizarre that some people are suggesting the OP's DH - who the op says does the bulk of the housework/cooking/admin - should be a SAHP during the day then work in the evening as well.

Why is it being suggested he do the bulk of the child caring, presumably continue the bulk of the housework as the OP will still need to work in the evenings AND get a job? If he's a SAHD then he's a SAHD surely?

I've never seen anyone suggest to a SAHM that when their partner gets hone and they are frazzled from child wrangling and dinner sorting that they should get a evening job...

OP if your DH is happy to be a SAHP and already does a good job of the house stuff then go for it. No one would bat an eyelid if you were the man in the situation posting that your lower paid OH was happy to be a SAHP.

I think the OP gets that we think her partner needs to switch jobs. Loud and clear.

FWIW Op, remember that your living costs can actually be greatly reduced when you have kids: no more meals out, theatre, weekends away etc. It's all parks and picnics.

I've never seen anyone suggest to a SAHM that when their partner gets hone and they are frazzled from child wrangling and dinner sorting that they should get a evening job.

Eh? Lots of families do that. I used to work evening shifts, and there were a lot of other mums working with me who were doing the same.
It saves on childcare costs.

lala you can't have been looking very hard because I've seen it suggested on this forum plenty of times.

London is a dump. Best move out for health reasons!

Hey Op just wanted to ask if you have checked the Burgundy book about mat pay? I had only been in a school two months when I found I was pregnant and I got full mat pay entitlement as a teacher. So new school doesn't always mean screwed on mat pay even my current academy goes by the burgundy book.

Also with DC one DH was a stay at home dad as I had more earning power as a teacher and head of department, it worked for us, though we were in west wales at the time so cheaper all round.

So if you could work your finances for three years until DC is old enough for the free childcare and have DH at home i say go for it but start saving now.