to be upset that I may not be able to afford to start a family?

[thebluedragon]

I'm 30. DH and I would like to start a family in the next couple of years. However, I have been researching costs (I'm a worrier and need to know that everything is in order before we start trying!), and I have absolutely no idea how we would be able to afford it.

We live in London which is so expensive anyway. After tax, I earn about £2k each month. DH earns roughly half that. After bills and outgoings (mortgage, maintenance, car, electricity, food) etc, we each end up with a couple of hundred to spend on ourselves. I know that we are fortunate and a lot of families manage on a lot less, but I just don't see how.

There are definitely some ways we could save money (e.g. batch cooking) and save a couple of hundred each month rather than enjoy meals out together). However, it's child care that I just do not see a way around.

I would have to return to work. DH would be happy to be a SAHD, but I don't think I would be able to pay all the bills and support three people on my salary alone. I've been researching the price of nurseries and the average in our area seems to be about £60 a day. This would be more than DH earns anyway.

We live close to our parents, but none would be able to provide daily childcare on a regular basis as they all work.

I could possibly earn a bit more by applying to promotions (if I got one), but not enough to support everyone comfortably. DH enjoys his job and even if he got a different one in the field it would pay roughly the same.

I am feeling really upset this morning. I thought we were in a great position financially and have a home etc (small 2 bed flat), but I just can't see how we could ever hope to afford childcare. I would love to hear from people in similar positions who have made it work. Sorry if I sound completely clueless! I don't want to rush into anything and, if we do manage to have a baby, I just want to be able to provide a wonderful life for him/her.

Also, we don't rent. I am fortunate enough to own our flat, so the mortgage is (thankfully) a lot less than rent.

Another one here who moved away. Good schools, cheaper housing. Eventually found local work and stopped commuting. Walked to work and home at a reasonable time.

I had to become very flexible in terms of work. I initially worked weekends, then two 12 hour days (one on a Saturday), then 2.5 days, then 9am to 3pm Mon to Friday. That way we paid minimal childcare.

I would look at the station in London you need to get to and see where trains come in from. Then check out house prices, travel times, fares, schools.

You can't have it all - something has to give. For us it would have been impossible to have dc living in London. And that was nearly 20 years ago. We moved away in 2000.

Maybe write down different options. Your dh training (you can get study loans), moving out, or one of you working shifts. The friends I had who stayed in London had one very high earner (£60k+). Everybody else moved away.

Thing is, the things you want are mutually exclusive.
You want to live in London, have kids and work low paid jobs.
One of those 3 things needs to change.

Mulledwine once equality truly kicks in and DHs are prepared to embrace the housework, the admin AND the childcare then the expectation will stop being that the mother stays at home with the children.

I've lost count of the amount of threads where the woman is working full time and also trying to cook, clean and take on all the mental load. It's fucking depressing.

I also work in education- there are tons of jobs going outside London!! In fact the more senior positions you're after are often very hard to fill. You will get work no problem. If your dh is happy to be a SAHP and you're happy to carry the whole financial burden then quite honestly you'd be fine in many parts of the country. If you want to share things more equitably, again, he should be able to find work which pays at least 1k a month (because it sounds as though he's only on NMW or thereabouts ) and childcare will be a bit cheaper than London prices.
It's just unrealistic to live in London, have kids and earn low wages

Your dh needs to decide which family to prioritise the one with you and your children together, or his mummy and daddy.

Sorry your DH is getting such a roasting here but it sounds a bit deserved unfortunately. What is this magical technical skilled job he is doing where he is so underpaid?

Sounds like his employers are taking him for a ride. Reminds me of a sad older thread where a woman was literally in the hospital with sepsis and her husband was doing some super important job that meant he couldn't take one day off to care for their kids (who were also sick), but this super critical job didn't pay enough for one day of extra childcare at the end of the month. Either bizarre self importance on the part of the men, or being really taken for a ride by unscrupulous employers

I think realistically te cost of moving would in the short to medium term far out way the cost of staying. I wonder if you put it to your dh that if he wants to stay in his job then he needs to bring more money in by working an extra job in the evening. Given how little he earns I would think he might earn more in a few hours of evening work than he does doing his daytime job. It might give him the impetus to fight for a payrise

Maybe as you say you would like to move, it would be time to make a change? The thing is the London weighting IS to cover the increased costs of living in town. So if you could both look around in another area maybe a bit out of town? Surrey? Essex? and then he can visit his parents.
And something has to give.... even if he is near his parents he may have to accept that having a family is maybe paramount.

DH works in IT support. He left school after GCSE's, so doesn't have the qualifications that would be needed for a well paid job. A senior position in his field earns approx 27k, so still not a huge salary (albeit better).

He is getting a roasting. I completely agree that he needs to do some further training, or apply for better positions. I have just looked and found some jobs in our area that are the same level as him which would give him a £5k per annum pay rise.

However, it's not like he does nothing at home and I work earning all the money then come home an sort everything out. I work much longer hours, so he does do the majority of the cleaning, cooking etc at home. He also handles the finances.... Maybe I should take over that...!

You mention that your DH is very close to his family. Do you think any of them may be able to volunteer to do some childcare.

I would say go for it. It's surprising how the finances come together once you have children. I never thought I could afford it, but somehow it has worked -- including partly thanks to my generous dad who offered to help significantly with childcare costs. However, even if he had not done that, we would have found a way. Maybe it does mean moving out of London, which is desperately expensive. Or maybe there are ways of making it work in London, e.g. with family help. If it's a priority, absolutely go for it rather than feeling you've missed out on something important to you. Having a family is hard work and it's expensive but it's like nothing else in the world if you know it is what you want.

Maybe your dh needs to look at another job. Another company may well pay more and more training.

We live in Essex on the line for London and it's nice here. We're 50 minutes from Liverpool Street.

I think it's amazing to be thinking of this as money is such a big issue when you throw a baby into the mix.

IT support should have significantly better opportunities. A close friend of mine works in technical support and earns very well. He has increased his earning power through taking a combination of free online courses (e.g. Coursera) plus familiarising himself with new software packages and apps, and is now a data visualisation specialist as well as competent in various database packages. None of this has cost much money; it's just required some dedicated study outside of work hours. But he does earn about £35K without even trying -- I'd say he's not very ambitious in terms of salary, and this is Home counties but not in London.

I'm guessing on that money he's first line IT support, or desktop support? Even so it's incredibly low pay for London. I'm not sure what qualifications he thinks he needs? IT is one of the few professions where you can get on without them, I know I'm in it.

He doesn't need qualifications if he can do programming either, can he/can he try it? Mindset is everything with programming. The best programmer I've ever met was profoundly dyslexic with no exams to his name, and was programming lead in a Uni department.

The starter It support jobs in our company pay £26k and that's not in London. your dh needs to find a new job, have a Google you'll soon see he us vastly underpaid.

One thing to consider is whether you want to have kids with someone who has such low earning potential and no get up and go to address this. He should be on £35k minimum by now (I work in reward). But can't be arsed to get a new job or do any training. Would not be my choice of husband, sorry!

Could he work as a Childminder? Would probably earn him the same money then he could do that once the baby is here too.

If you want to stay within commuting reach of London, but somewhere cheaper, do consider Essex. There are some really nice places on the Stansted line, with great rail connections in to London. Cambridge is also an option -- though more expensive, it's still cheaper than London, and I would have thought would also have good work options for your DH. Or finally something like Didcot in Oxfordshire, which is a 45 minute train journey in to Paddington (not the most inspiring town, but very practical for commutes and cheapness).

We earn 4k after tax between us (or just under), have a (pretty high) mortgage and live in London with two kids. No family to support us with child care either.

I work 4 days a week and do a day's worth of child care.
DH does two days child care, and works three days full time plus evening work on child care days.
It's a fragile jigsaw puzzle to make it all work, but so far we have managed (kids are 3.5 and nearly 2).

We have enough money to fly abroad a few times a year (all family live far away). But we never go out for meals/drinks; our holidays are all camping or a couple of days in an Air BnB (or staying with family/friends); all our food is cooked from scratch which works out much cheaper. I cycle to work to save on commuting as much as possible, even though it's 11 miles one way. We rarely buy clothes that aren't strictly necessary. Our phone and broadband contracts as as cheap as we could possible get them. We don't do extravagant presents. Etc.

In short - we are doing just fine. We have identified the areas where we can save, and we break even at the end of the month.

Remember that when your DC is 3 you can get 30 hours of free child care (it works out as less than that in practice, but it really helps). You can also apply for childcare vouchers through your work, which takes around £100 off your monthly nursery bill.

One last thing: I spent a lot less during maternity than I did before the baby came along. Babies are surprisingly cheap, it's just nappies and maybe a few vests and sleep suits (which you can easily get for free second hand); and I didn't do any paid classes or anything like that.

Also agree with previous posters that your DH needs to think about where you could compromise.

Your DH is underpaid and seriously under motovitted. How has he been in the same entry level low paid job for all these years and NOT worked at the evenings/weekends trying to get some more qualifications?

Does he think he can live on £12k for the rest of his life?

We pay out apprentices more than that AND they leave with ACA and a degree after 6 years.

Sounds like his employers are taking him for a ride. Reminds me of a sad older thread where a woman was literally in the hospital with sepsis and her husband was doing some super important job that meant he couldn't take one day off to care for their kids (who were also sick), but this super critical job didn't pay enough for one day of extra childcare at the end of the month. Either bizarre self importance on the part of the men, or being really taken for a ride by unscrupulous employers

Agree! It reminded me of that too!

I mean, to put it into perspective, he would earn more doing a 40h week at Pret....

Can your husband not look after the baby during the day and then work evenings?

Or move out of London as suggested?

Also FT childcare won't be forever.

It is totally doable you just need to think about how to work things.

but DHs field of work is quite technical so it would be hard for him to find something outside of a big city. So I would still end up having to support us all

It's so technical that he is on minimum wage?! He could earn more at Tesco, surely? He doesn't need to stay in London for that.

Wow OP I'm in Scotland and entry level IT jobs here (no degree) start at 19-20k

Can you think of ways to work around each other so that you have no childcare bills? This is what we have done for the past 18 years ( 4 kids). To be honest I see so many families working like this . My dh has always worked 9-5 and I have always done nights and weekends. It's not easy but if you have no choice it can be done.