AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

[Peachypop]

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

So pleased that the August visit is cancelled. You must prioritize your wellbeing now. Having her stay would be a living hell by the sound of it. Stay strong!

When my mother talks I just stare into space and mumble "yeah" or "maybe" a bit until she gets the message and stops talking.

Try it. It's actually a lot of fun.

Broken record technique should do it op:
"Thanks for the offer but I'm taking a year off"
"Interesting opinion but I'll be having a year off"
"You're very kind but we won't need childcare as I'll be having the year off"
Change the subject quickly each time after saying this, just keep repeating this until she gets the message.

And don't let her come and stay for longer than a week, she sounds like a royal pain in the bum!!

This woman has a brass neck.

Very glad your DP stood up to her. Well done.

She sounds like a crazy lady!

Very different cultures and they are clashing. However, only YOU get to make the decision as to when or if you want to return to work.

Tell her, thank you for your advice, but we have decided I will stay home for a year, basking in the beautiful new born glow of exhaustion and vomit. Then go back in a year if you feel like it. You realise the best possible person to care for and raise your child is you.

I think maybe your OH needs to have a quiet word to say it's been decided between the two of you and have looked into all of the options. Thanks anyway.

I hope the sarcasm helps. Enjoy your baby. It's gone so quickly.
I think I'm getting broody, time for number three for us.
And....... If you are thinking of breastfeeding, being at work is going to be interesting! Sitting at your desk pumping away.........

OP - will she be coming over in August and stay in elsewhere then?

My goodness this thread is fill of spite.

I was with the chorus of people saying don't let her come for 12 weeks, but it sounds like the DP is cutting her out completely - that's not the ideal solution
either.

It's significant that there's cultural differences here. The OP and her partner should be aiming to be kind but firm aboit their boundaries and expectations. That doesn't mean cutting her out completely though!

@peachypop why has your DP told his mum she can't come st all in the first YEAR? Don't you want your child to have a relationship with his/her grandmother? That's a huge snub and must be VERY hurtful to her.

You do obviously need to set clear boundaries with her, but there are ways to do it kindly. Please do something to repair this relationship before it's too late.

This is AIBU not relationships. There are some very twisted people on here who live a good row. Please don't make serious life time decisions based on people here baying for blood. This is entertainment for them. But it's your life

Yes she was being overbearing but to cut her out for a year is way overboard and unkind IMO.

*love a good row

Tell your dh to grow a pair & tell HIS mother to fuck off with her pushy opinions! If you have made a decision as a couple about your baby and your maternity leave her opinion shouldn't matter!!
& the thought of having her for 3 months if she's that bolshy & expecting you to go back to work sounds like he'll op.
Good luck with your baby 💐

Ffs people rtft

No to staying 12 weeks
No to interfering in your decisions
Thank you for your input
Bye

Stop being nice with others and think about them, it is your life and your baby and you must do only what you want. It is not hormones or whatever and even your husband must accept your decisions. You need to stop that woman(his mother, has nothing to do with you) from doing and saying what she wants about you and your baby and stop her now you do not need this hassle after the baby is born.

I agree with old trees, you seem to have gone from one extreme to the other. It is possible to be assertive without cutting her out altogether.

And new posters, if you can't read the whole thread, please at least read OPs updates!

Well five to your DH for standing up to her. Regardless of everything else, she does not sound like the sort of person you would want looking after your DC!

Well done even!

Go DP! Good luck with baby

Enjoy every moment

She needs to butt out, you're the Mum, she doesn't get a say in when you should go back to work and when your babies start Nursery! She needs to keep her unwanted opinions to herself!

To al those mentioning cultural differences, my impression is that she is British but has lived a long time in Asia rather than actually being Thai.

I agree that going completely no contact is too extreme and not the best way to defuse the situation, but at least the DP is being 100% supportive of the OP. Hopefully after a while to think about what she has done there will be scope for a rapprochement that lets her be a grandmother within very strictly-drawn boundaries.

Let her have her say, then ignore her.
No need to get angry, just tell her you're having a year of maternity leave and move on. Discussing or arguing with her will only create a situation where she gets to have a say in the matter. She doesn't.

Yay for your DH!

Can you have your own mother or sister at your house for backup?
No way let her stay after the baby is born. if she doesn't listen to your dp that she is NOT welcome pack up and go to your mum's until the controlling freak has gone back to Thailand. (((Hugs)))

Send her a polite but firm email stating clearly that when she comes to visit the subject of you returning to work is strictly off limits and that if you need her help in the future (god forbid) you will ask for it!

So, a bit of an update - MIL did come over, she was supposed to stay with us for a few days, then stay in a hotel for 3 nights and then go over to copanhagen. Well... It's been a week and shes been with us and she's made a lot of excuses not to stay away and will end up staying with us for the full 2.5 weeks.
I'm really heavily pregnant now and have been working from home. It's been so hard! We only have a 2 bed flat and we've been buying lots of things for the baby like cot, pram and moses basket but because she's staying in the spare bedroom all of this is stuck in the hall/out bedroom and lounge. I feel like I'm gasping for air, there's so little space left for me.
She's been drinking a lot too. One day she actually went out at lunch time and got drunk in a pub by herself. She drinks most nights and then is up all night with a bad stomach. It's having a bad effect on my OH as he's been going out drinking with her. The other thing that really annoyed me is that he's promised to quit smoking before our dd comes and she brought him lots of cigarettes from duty free so he's been smoking with her. I actually asked him to attend my next midwife appointment because he needs to hear it from someone else that he is not to smoke around the baby.
I feel so down about the whole thing and as much as I love OH I cannot accept this situation. MIL made do many comments that make me think she is not someone I could trust with my child e.g that I should leave a crying baby from 6 weeks old to cry themselves to sleep, that when she was pregnsnt with him she (had history of eating disorder) lost 2 stones and her weight plummeted to 7 stones so when she gave birth to him he was only 3lbs ('but she had a flat stomach after') - she blamed this on stress (she had 3 or 4 miscarriages apart from that and my OH is the only child as she described him he was the 'strong one'. I am speechless, I try to nod and smile but I could not trust her with my dd.
Feeling so down, I'm actually nearly 37 weeks pregnant and wish I could enjoy this time without the stress of being around a crazy MIL.

She needs to leave. Now. No drunks or fags round a baby.

Tell your dh she goes today and if not they both go today so you can prepare for the birth.

Sorry op it's a bloody awful situation but you will be better off just you abd your baby than we this pathetic pair.

What a terrible woman - of course you couldn't trust her with your baby. Your OH needs to understand how unhappy she is making you. He is going to have to choose whether to continue to be controlled by his overbearing mother - in which case he will lose you because you will need to leave to protect your child - or he needs to choose you and your child over his mother in which case she needs to leave and in future she is always in a hotel, never staying in your flat.

The smoking is very concerning with your baby due so soon. The most toxic poisons from smoking hang around in fabric for years - are she and OH smoking in the flat? Carpet and curtains may be heavily poisoned with smoke which will leach out for years. Clothes that have been worn by a smoker remain dangerous for a baby being held by that person even if they aren't smoking at the moment when they are holding them.