AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

[Peachypop]

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

Yes this ^^ your dh has to choose

I realise this is an older thread and you have had loads of advice. Your mil is nuts!!! Trust your instincts and just ride this shitty wave until she leaves but make it very clear she is not welcome again due to her drinking and smoking. I'm sorry you are not able to enjoy being pregnant at the mo due to both their behaviour. The second &a third hand smoke off of them is not good for either you or the baby. Maybe send them both to a hotel for the remainder of her stay.

Oh dear. I was so impressed with your OH for breaking with mumsnet tradition and standing up to his mother. Sounds like he's chickened out. If she won't go and stay elsewhere, can you? I know you shouldn't have to but it may send a very clear message that you're no longer comfortable in your own home.

The words fuck off might be needed

OP sorry if I have missed this but have you no close family or friends who can come to back you up here?

Your husband needs to know that her/their behaviour isn't acceptable and is spoiling what should be a really special time for you both.
MIL has already overstayed her welcome, the rate she's going she'll be there when you bring your baby home from hospital.
I really hope you resolve this quickly so the last few weeks of pregnancy are less stressful. 💐

What a sad update your 'D'P's resolve didn't last very long did it? Is there somewhere you can go? MIL won't be going anywhere and he won't stop smoking.

Yabu to not tell her to keep her nose out. You're a grown woman tell her to go away!

You are going to have to get tough. Tell her and OH that she needs to leave tomorrow and that she has the rest of today to find a hotel. Then tomorrow pack up her stuff and empty the room ready for putting baby things in.

There will be rows, shouting etc but it's the only option now. Tell OH that if he doesn't back you he's welcome to go to the hotel too.

For your health and that of the baby you need to be strong now otherwise she'll just turn up again in a few weeks and youll have the same issue

Just seen your update! Lock them both out next time they go drinking. Tell oh he can come back when he's sorted himself out n ditched the crazy mother.

I try to go to a happy place in my head, focus at work and myself but it is really hard as I'm spending more time with MIL than my OH is. He started a new job on Monday and is going to spend so he's working longer hrs whilst I'm working from home for the next week before my maternity leave starts. Before he left this morning he told me to pack my maternity bag but all my stuff is in the spare bedroom where his alcoholoc mother is recovering from a hangover after being sick all night from drinking. This is my reality.
I know I sound like a weak person for not kicking off but I know that I really don't need any stress now and getting into a massive argument and kicking off will only lead to that. So I just try to grin and bare it but when she goes I need to have a chat with him. I know it will sound harsh but I cannot and will not be put in this situation again. Not when I have my dd to look after.

You know what's best for you op but I suspect one monumental arguement would be less stress than this, might even make you feel better. I admire your patience.

It sounds as if dh knows what she is like and is in complete agreement with you. It's just harder for him to detach.

Good luck in getting him on board completely. She sounds a nightmare. Keep calm and be as impartial add you can and use words such as " I know this is hard for you but..."

You're in your own home. Stop creeping around the alky and her enabling son. You are about to have a child. You damn well open that door and go about your business as normal packing your bag. She isn't dying, she doesn't have cancer and your needs are being pushed out. You need to grow a spine. Go breezing in there.... Oh... Not feeling too good, yes that's a pity, OK what do I need, sorry, must crack on, baby coming soon...

Be as breezy as fuck but mean business.. Your home, your newborn.

'Not her baby, not her decision'.....that is all!

Oh, and big congratulations OP

Kick her out. Why are you having to creep round in your own home? Tell her you're setting up the nursery tomorrow so she has to go. I would not tolerate the DP going out drinking with her, either. Be strong, OP, you and your baby deserve better than this.

Make sure she stays in a hotel if she ever visits again. She sounds toxic.

You don't want that around your baby. I would be very disappointed in your DH. Just because she bought cigarettes he doesn't have to smoke them. I pray that it's not happening inside your house.

My MIL was the same. She felt I had trapped her precious son. I gave her far too much power as did DH but we were very young. Do not give her the power. Just say nah I am going to have the full 12 months. It is your choice nobody else's!!

I had over 15 years at home. Don't regret a thing although am sure MIL hates it! The thing was when I went back she said she was worried I was taking on too much. In other words her precious son having to do some childcare etc. So the thing is whatever you do these MIL will find fault.

Can you book yourself into a hotel for a couple of nights, and not come home until she has left?

Emotionally or physically, this is not a healthy environment for you and your baby.

I cannot really justify spending money on a hotel when we are having a baby any minute and I have been saving all my money for maternity. Also, I'm working from home so I need access to network.

You know what's best for you op but I suspect one monumental arguement would be less stress than this, might even make you feel better

I agree with this. If your DH will not step up (why did she even come over after he supposedly told her not to?!?) then you need to stand up for yourself.

Open the bedroom door, get your stuff and pack your bag. Tell her to get to fuck if she complains.

Personally I'd be going to stay with family/a friend/in a hotel until your DH comes to his senses and gets rid of her.

x-post but I think you can! You don't need this hassle. I'd be tempted to bill the fucking MIL for it after, anyway.

Tell her to get lost and mind her own business.

And early nursery doesn't avoid separation anxiety.

Enjoy your year off with baby.

She has no right to any say on how you choose to manage your career and your child. Do not be bullied by this woman. Be firm and calm and look her straight in the eye when you do it, bullies don't like that.

To be honest I think I'd just go into the office for the next week in order to avoid her. I can understand not wanting to have a big showdown now but I think you will have to have strong words with DH once she's gone so that this isn't repeated. Good luck.