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AIBU?

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Original poster

AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

254 replies

Peachypop · 26/07/2017 06:09

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

OP posts:
Anatidae · 26/07/2017 07:03

Smile, nod, say something like

'yes well things were so different all that time ago. Must have been very hard for you to leave her so soon.'

'We are doing x.'

Repeat until infinity

luckylucky24 · 26/07/2017 07:04

This is an easy one "thanks for your concern but I have already arranged with HR to have 12 months off and am looking forward to it. Saves you having to come over for 12 weeks too."

Guccibelt · 26/07/2017 07:07

You are acting like you think she has all the power and that you will go back to work early if you can't change her mind. She can't send you back to work. She is not even in the country. It is your choice and don't get involved in discussions over it.

coconuttella · 26/07/2017 07:08

What an extremely overbearing MIL. She mustn't be allowed to dictate how you live your lives, especially something so central as to how you raise your child and go to work. You have to take back control here.... Your DP needs to stand up to her and tell her that it's your decision. Personally I'd be mad at my MIL if she even suggested what your MIL is trying to force you to do! If he won't do this, you seriously need to reevaluate your relationship with him. Better to be single, poorer and free, than trapped in what would frankly be an extremely controlling family.

endofthelinefinally · 26/07/2017 07:15

Dhe isn't your MIL.
You are not married to her son.
She has no business to even mention her opinion regarding your baby.

endofthelinefinally · 26/07/2017 07:15

She.

ememem84 · 26/07/2017 07:16

Rude much? (Of mil obviously).

Take the year. If you're uk based you're entitled to it. I'm British but not part of uk (Channel Islands) so mat leave laws are archaic different here. I get 4.5 months. After that no mat pay. So will be going back to work and leaving ds to be in nursery. Not entirely happy with it but no option. We need both of us working to pay mortgage etc.

Do whats best for you. And tell mil to shhh.

My mil keeps reminding me I'm entitled to take a full year. Both dh and I have told her that while I could, the majority would be unpaid. So financially we'd struggle.

Paperdolly · 26/07/2017 07:17

People will only treat you the way you allow them to. Start as you mean to go on for your future and stick to YOUR decisions. The 'professionals' don't always get it right. If you are not true to yourself this will build resentment and could ruin the relationship with you OH.

Oh...and make sure OH takes responsibility in telling mum to back off interfering and not to make any plans about 'helping' for 12 weeks as you have that arranged too.

Newtothis2017 · 26/07/2017 07:23

I would get your dp to tell me to mind her own business. Take the 12 months if you can your baby is only a baby for such a short time. And hell no to her coming for 12 weeks

Windycityblues · 26/07/2017 07:30

She really doesn't get to choose what your arrangements for your childcare are. I will add that I took a year off and watching family members who only took six months their DC's did settle more more easily than mine and I think developmentally I didn't pick the best time. But it is you and your partners choice not your MIL.

unwantedwoman · 26/07/2017 07:30

She needs to back off

LIZS · 26/07/2017 07:33

Unless she is subsidising your lifestyle she has no say! Bet she wouldn't appreciate the costs involved either, the cost of living in Far East is much cheaper. Do you plan to return to work after ml?

Brokenbiscuit · 26/07/2017 07:36

It isn't her decision. Thank her for her concern and tell her firmly that you'll be making your own choices.

Rhubarbtart9 · 26/07/2017 07:37

Time for ok and yourself to get firm. Email/text/call her and say that you've made your final decision and you're staying with baby for a whole year and there will be no further discussion about your return date as it's not open to discussion or movement. Also you are happy for her to stay for a few weeks next summer but 3 months isn't going to work.

Rhubarbtart9 · 26/07/2017 07:39

Every time she discusses it stop her dead by saying you've made your decision already and won't change your mind.

Soleofdiscretion · 26/07/2017 07:41

My MIL went back to work when my DH was 4 months old, and she's left no one in any doubt that she thinks it a scandal that I have so much time with my DS.

I do find it undermining; the suggestion that I'm lazy/don't pull my weight economically. But DH is fully supportive of our maternity leave plans and told her so. Whilst she still grumbles it has taken the wind out of her sales.

RapunzelsRealMom · 26/07/2017 07:42

What are you and your DP allowing her to think she has any say in the decision making process? This is YOUR decision (yours and DP) and has nothing to do with her. Tell her this and don't let her stay for 12 weeks - she'll drive you mad!

RapunzelsRealMom · 26/07/2017 07:43

Why*

bmbonanza · 26/07/2017 07:43

Do what you feel is best - if you dont you will regret it later. The best start for a baby is to have his/her mum. It wont avoid, or make worse, separation anxiety.

newbian · 26/07/2017 07:44

Stand your ground and say no, but be prepared for you and your partner to never hear the end of it. My MIL is complaining about things I did with DD more than a year ago. I actually suspect she will complain about every parenting decision I make for the rest of my life. I thank the good Lord we don't live in the same country and try to put it out of my mind.

Wheelycote · 26/07/2017 07:48

Your MIL insistsHmm let her insist and give her opinions and let it all wash right off your back. She's giving you lip work when she does either tell her where to go or imagine the noise coming out of her mouth is like the cartoon character - Charlie's Browns teacher. When she speaks it comes out as 'wah wah wah wah wah'

claritytobeclear · 26/07/2017 07:49

You have the perfect excuse for her not to stay. You will be marketing your properties. I know you don't need an excuse but having one really saves tiresome arguments. As for maternity leave, take as long as you want. Have it organised. It is good she does not live close in a way - you won't have to deal with her much.

TeachesOfPeaches · 26/07/2017 07:50

Not sure why you're even wasting your energy on this. Just smile and ignore.

shakingmyhead1 · 26/07/2017 07:50

Just say no and mean it, repeat as needed, if she gets too much for you, stamp your feet and yell " your not the boss of me" and walk away

bookwormnerd · 26/07/2017 07:51

Just ignore her, she can't force you to go back to work. It makes no difference on separation anxiety and it doesn't matter if they do different somewhere else. In the UK you can have a year so if you want it take it. My MIL and mother have both made comments over parenting. A lot of times its feels like they are trying to justify their own decisions even though I don't judge either of their choices, I am doing what is right for my family. You need to develop a thicker skin and stick to own convictions. You don't want to regret being forced in to something. When you have a child everybody makes their opinions known.