AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

[Peachypop]

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

just remember that you don't have to behave like her to deal with her - she would love that!

Just icily polite and do not let her bully you. If she wants to take baby out for a walk just say no and stick to your guns. Do not let her push you into doing something you are not comfortable with.

I am a big believer that mil relationships work best with a bit of give and take but in this case she has been used to manipulating her son too long so you and he need to start as you mean to go on

Fuckaduck! No way I'd let anyone dictate my life or my child's life, and secondly I'd say a resounding NOOOOO to having her invite herself to stay for 12 weeks!! She's a cheeky cow, isn't she??!

Not sure if that helps but it seems that she is basically telling you you should be doing xxx because that's what she used to and therefore this is the best/what you should do.
(Âme actually than when you say that your mum have a year off with you andnthat feels like the right thing for you to do btw).

The reality is that there is no right or wrong answer there. This is your choice.
So the only answer IMO is just a broken record saying 'WE have though about it long and hard and have decided that I will take a year off before going back to work'
Agree on wether you should be OK with her being there for 3 months. You don't have to say YES.
You need a united front. And no 'discussi' with her, it's not a subject that is up for discussion.

Oh come on, surely your DP can see this is manipulative bollox.
His reply should be "Jog on" but if you really want to thrash it out
you say, "our baby, our decisions, we appreciate you want to be involved"
I take it she is of another culture ?

Update: OH banned MIL from coming over this year. She's been ringing him and even ordered lots of things like an expensive travel system (pram, car seat and cot) to be delivered to buy her way back in. But DP demanded she cancels it and even contacted the shop to cancel the order. MIL apologies and begged for his forgiveness but DP said he won't respond to her messages or phone calls.
Thank you all. I've used your comments to show him that we should not stand for this and DP agreed completely. He felt like a bad son for challenging her in the past but he knows now that he can't let her bulldoze into our life.

Just wanted to say - yes, take the year! She sounds full of issues. Grandkids does this to some people. You're doing the right thing and good luck with the baby. X

Your DP is a star. That's a perfect response. What a horrible lady.

She's a narcissist mother and he needs to learn to deal with this. Honestly he needs to do some work on what is healthy relationships

It appears that you've got a good man there Peachypop, love your user name.😄
You can relax now Sweet, and enjoy your pregnancy.💐

My 16 month old has no separation anxiety. I put this down to the fact we never let her CIO so she always knows I'm coming back for her. She also stays with my mum and dad, and is happy to be left with most people. Obviously every baby is different but it's silly of her to assume your baby will even have separation anxiety or that being at nursery would solve that.

Hope it all works out, no other advice to offer as don't have a MIL

The best way to avoid separation anxiety is to be with and respond to your baby. The more secure your baby is in you being there, the more independent they will be as they grow older.

Buy this and have your daughter/son wear it when she visits

OP Whatever she does or says your priorities are looking after yourself and your baby. OH is supportive and dealing with her so try to put this sad, jealous woman out of your mind.
Wishing you peace and serenity for the next weeks and a wonderful baby.

Peachypop I am sorry yopu are going through this, it is not OK.

But delighted with the fab update. Definitly do not let her stay with you. She may well visit but make sure she stays elsewhere.

I would certainly not want her staying with me and certainly not staying just before or just after the birth of a baby. She will make the whole time stressful.

She can't send you anywhere or make any decisions. Your baby not hers. Simples.

Thank goodness your DP supports you your very lucky good look enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible and then take 12 months to bond with your beautiful baby

AND! babies and children learn to be independent when they are allowed to be dependent on you.
I speak from experience. Had all the negative comments from various people when I had no intentions and did not send my daughter to a nursery or pre-school -she went straight into Reception Year not once cried for me, while off and on each day there's someone crying not to have their mum or dad leave them. My daughter missed me once in her two years of being at school, which was towards the end of the day and her teacher held her hand and made her feel better. All that nonsense of pushing children away thinking that it's good for them. All children need patience. Yes, of course there are many mothers out there that have to go out and work whether they had planned their baby or not and I would not ever dispute their situations but I feel if anyone can afford not to work they should make the effort to be there, especially in those very important 3 years for their baby/toddler. It is like building a foundation for anything if you want the structure to last and be a good one you put in the work / effort. So irritating when I hear some blame their children's bad behaviour on habits picked up from other children in a nursery or wherever, why can't they look at themselves, they're the ones who chose to send their child to those places, if only they bothered to take the responsibility to look after their child and teach them manners and how to be kind and loving there'd be less unhappy children in need of attention. I don't think I have the perfect life but for me I am so proud of myself for having done so much that I reap the reward of having a child who makes me happy each day who has lovely manners and is kind. I take full responsibility for her and I am able to enjoy how she is growing. It's also an added pat on my back when I often get people comment on what a lovely child she is. I feel children reflect who we are and if you are frustrated and irritated with being a parent it shows through you child's behaviour. I had so many years of things always being about me,me and me, I could sleep and eat and go when and where I want to that giving those years of my time to someone else who we chose to have, doesn't compare. Of course I missed my sleep and bring full time with a baby and toddler is at times tiring, boring and not easy but the positives outweigh those points, and the reward of having a great relationship and to be part of all the developments doesn't compare. I think that you shouldn't listen to your MIL, you do what you and your partner decided to and most importantly for your baby when he /she is here. There's always going to be people giving their comments. People should respect other people's choices, I don't know how on earth a mother willing and wanting to be with her baby for however long she chooses can be bad for any baby. It's not only beneficial to a baby but for us as mothers too. There are many patents out there who would like to have the opportunity to have longer time with their babies and can't.

*parents

My guess would be that she wants to move back to the uk and is looking at this as an opportunity to get her feet under the table.
No doubt the
months would be extended and then she would be irreplaceable!

🍺 for your DH finding his backbone.

PLEASE stick to 'the ban' or she will think she just has to rant, sob & buy crap to get her way. What you do now sets the tone going forward. Do not get sucked in by 'tears' or promises to change. She told her son to 'go fuck himself' because he wouldn't make you do what she wanted...remember that.

IF she shows up, call a taxi and tell them to take her to a hotel. Do NOT let her bulldoze her way in.

Agree with mickeysminnie theory above. Had a similar experience with MIL barging her way into our lives when our first was born. Thought I would need her for 3 months at least...took great offence to being kindly told I wouldn't.

Well done OP's DP, he's a ⭐️ . If she does turn up in the UK make sure she's stays in a hotel not with you.

Oh I hate people like that. Im super fucking human so everyone should be.
You do what's right for you. Look her in the eye and tell her straight.
You're an adult. She doesn't get to control you or anyone

Tell her no, its not her buisness or choice. Problem solved

Your DP did the right thing. She sounds selfish, controlling and manipulative. Well done to both of you for standing up for the right to make your own choices as parents.