AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

[Peachypop]

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

Just read the updates. Wow. Just wow.

Well! What awful words to come out of a mothers mouth. Showed her true colours didn't she.. to you and your poor DH.

After that you defo don't want her there now, she did herself no favours.

But,, as upset as you may well be. You have set the post now for any future dealings she tries to nuzzle in on. Well done to you and DP, she will get over herself don't worry.

Oh God.

A generation of women had to go back to work early and missed out on spending a longer period of time with their babies, they now want to wmake up for it spending time with their grand kids. This is not the amswer.

Your DP needs to tell his mum no. Give her space (no texting) to realise the options you are offering and nothing else.

In my experience something happened to both my MIL and Mother when DC was born. It was awful. It was like they both were reliving their own dc birth. Either way a total headache. My best advice this MUST be sorted BEFORE the baby is born.

Jesus. I thought my MIL was bad telling me she had arranged for one of her friends I had never met to watch DS for me so I could do xyz (a list she had made of things I 'should' be doing). I agree with pp, you need to tell her that plans have already been made for your DC but not for her trip so she can arrange a hotel or anywhere else to stay as she won't be across your door. Good luck!

Oh OP I think it's just hormones and you have a lot on your plate at the moment with work etc.

She doesn't have any say in when you go back to work, and tell DH that HE needs to tell her so.

Also CANCEL the visit next year, otherwise you will be stuck with her for 12 weeks when you should be enjoying your maternity leave.

Lots of luck!

You all seem confused. It is none of her business. Enjoy your year off.

Yes I think that it would be in order to tell her that anyone who is capable of telling their own son to go fuck himself is not a fit person to be around our child.

What your DP needs to do now is text back. "Fine, dont bother coming over now or ever."

I suspect she wants you to validate her choice of going back to work after 3 weeks.

Coming over for 3 months so she can take over whilst you go back to work and earn money is not help at all.

If you are going back after 12 months, you need to do it your way, gradually get used to the nursery and then get into a routine that you can sustain, because it is going to go on for a lot longer than 3 months

She has missed out on doing things the way she wants with her own children and now wants to pass the privilege on.

There are lots of grandparent appropriate things that she can do, but she is going to have to work with you both on that.

You are going to have to be tough and fair. A rocky road, but at least you know and can prepare.

Fuzzy' advice above ^

Do that.

Sounds like the problem has been solved.

As an aside, please give the baby your surname if you are still not married when it's born.

I'm sorry, I just don't get the need to question the unreasonableness of anyone dictating terms on how or when you resume your career. It is no other's decision but yours and your partners, and although this should not need pointing out, in the case of your MIL, I think it clearly does! Good luck!

When I read the title I thought "do what you want, it's none of her fucking business". Then I read the whole post and think the same, but more. X

Crazy and controlling MIL!!!

Maybe you'd actually want to welcome her over to help a little if, she wasn't so demanding and rude. It doesn't sound like you have a relationship with her and she's only isolating herself further by behaving outrageously.

Don't be intimidated by her, stick up for yourself and do what's right for you all.

She has absolutely NO say in your plans with you and your husband.
Tell her to fuck right off, and go and book herself into the local motel!!!! You don't have to answer to her for ANYTHING ... and she sounds like a right old cow from hell!! IS your husband "genuinely" backing you up? Really, really genuinely? Because if he was, he would be telling her TO NOT BOTHER TO VISIT!! This is YOUR precious time, - you and your husband and your new baby, WHO GIVES A FUCK WHAT SHE "DID".... get your husband to grow a pair and trell her to back off, and stay away !!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx These are such "precious" times for you, don;t let the old witch ruin it for you! xx

I think the two of you should respond that since she is so offended and so inclined to be offensive to you both, she should consider whether she really wants to visit in a couple of weeks.

Ignore her. I suffered a similar thing but I loved the time I had off with my dd. Nursery is also very expensive here compared to Far East so it's usually not worth it either. She'll probably want you to put the kid in boarding school at eight too...

Fuck off is a whole sentence

Tell her to jog on and make it clear she cannot come to stay for 12 weeks ever.

Actions have consequences.
Tell that bitch that she's no longer stepping foot in your home in August and it'll be a cold day in hell before she's welcomed into your house again.

Oh hell no, HELL NO!

This is NOTHING TO DO WITH HER! Tell her to fuck right off, your baby, your decision and if OH is pressuring you, tell him to leave for a short while.

Do not let her stay with you for 12 weeks neither, that would be a HUGE mistake.

I don't think she should get away with that escalation. You are going to have to teach this MIL manners.

She will back down if you are very firm and to do this you need to withdraw the privilege of a welcome in your home. Otherwise she will feel she has a chance to walk all over you.

Respond firmly and quickly so she will have a chance to cancel her airline tickets if she will not apologise. You should ask for an apology from her for her words and tone and attitude along with your email asking her to consider whether she really wants to visit in August.

No apology but she says she is still coming? Research rooms in some motel-type accommodation and send links to her. Tell her you are sure she understands it would be impossible to have you all under the same roof with any ongoing tension and unresolved issues still festering.

Follow the advice of mathanxiety - it is spot on. You do not need to apologise of explain, or discuss this issue with your mil. It would be best if your DH made it clear to his mother, and also backed yuou up completely, but even if he doesn't just be firm, say the decision is made and you are not going to discuss it. Change the subject, be humorous and make light of it if you can.
As for her visit next year, make it clear that it ain't going to happen, and you need to do any inviting, not the other way round. Be strong. If you are not firm on this one, she will dominate you forever, and she is totally unreasonable and out of order to think she can tell you what to do.

Check out the nearest travelodoge or air bnb and book her in there if she wants to stay in U.K. And tell her it's absolutely none of her business when you do or don't go back to work. She sounds full on nightmare. You have to stand up and be counted. Your life will be a nightmare otherwise

Is your dp aware that the way his mother speaks to him and reacts to 'no' is not normal? Poor guy