AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

[Peachypop]

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

Goodness. Sounds like you're lucky she lives abroad...

So much unnecessary drama here.

No-one can 'send' you anywhere.

You and your partner are two fully grown adults.

Stop engaging with her unnecessary chitchat involving your decisions and just get on with your lives.

Good luck with the birth

This whole thing just totally escalated, as it usually does with her. She told my DP to 'fuck himself'

Seems like going back to work 3 weeks after giving birth seriously affected her bonding with her son. (Not really, she's probably just an asshole.)

De-invite her. No way I'd want to have this kind of person visit for 3 months. Not even 3 days. 3 hours, more like.

Oh dear.

Stand your ground, or it'll get worse.

You need to nip this in the bud now before dc is born. There will be no discussion/debate. You and your dp make the decisions and you do not need your Mil to approve anything.

Just say " NO"
the more she thinks your pandering the more she will try to push

Book her into a b&b for the visit that's upcoming. I wouldn't have anyone who speaks to me or my husband like that staying in my home.

Her opinions on separation anxiety are nonsense. I did return to work at 7 months. My child had no separation anxiety at all. A few weeks ago at 2 years old he developed extreme separation anxiety. He's been in nursery over a year. He loves nursery, but I am not ever allowed to leave any room without wailing and gnashing of teeth.

I hope you and your OH are okay.

Jesus some people are crazy and SO self important! (Your mil) you need to simply say "thanks for your input but with respect these decisions have nothing to do with you and we don't wish to discuss our situation or plans with you,except to say you won't be coming to stay when the baby is VERY young still..especially for 3 months!" Sounds to me like she's basically engineering a way to get you out of the way so she can have 3 months of all day every day time with your baby alone!

She's shown by her responses that she obviously doesn't think very highly of you.

YOU have every right to be upset by her behaviour.

No way would I have her stoppi g with me if that's how she felt. She's doing a good job of burning her bridges.

Stick to your guns.

Oh she can fuck off.

I wouldn't have any fucker to stay for twelve weeks, and certainly not with a new baby to contend with as well.

I wouldn't let her over the threshold again if it were me.

You and DP did the right thing. Don't bother trying to appease her. Forget it all. Relax and enjoy your pregnancy and your 12 month mat leave.

DO NOT LET HER COME FOR 3 MCONTHS NEXT YEAR!!!!!!

Put that right out of her mind immediately. Tell your dh that if he doesn't stop her from even thinking this then divorce will occur. Make sure she KNOWS that this will not be happening.

If necessary tell her to fuck off.

What a shit situation OP!

I feel for your DF but he has done the right thing in sticking up for what you as a family have agreed - his mum will have to suck it up.

I would feel strange about her coming over this year with this bad attitude towards you and DF hanging over everything - do you still want her here right before you give birth?

If she doesn't know how to behave then maybe DF should ask her to wait until after the baby is here and things have settled down a bit for you as a family before she comes over...

The last thing you need as a sleep deprived new mum is someone like her breathing down your neck and judging your choices.

Your DF needs to continue to take responsibility for this and sort it out which it sounds like he is doing - support him as much as you can but try not to get involved and don't take any of her shit - it sounds like she will take any opportunity she can to play you and DH off against each other.

Do what we did "that's great! You can do that when you have your next baby. However, we're doing something different for OUR baby."

she's actually made it easy with her insulting behaviour. better this way than snidey comments. At least you know!

and yes, she is no longer welcome to stay this year with that attitude.

'No' is a complete sentence

Like PP have said YANBU and this is a decision already made by you and your OH. No discussion needed. That said it is difficult when you want to keep peace and when I was pregnant I felt very emotional- I cried one day looking at DH because I was so happy to be having his baby, they would look like him, etc... it was nuts. Get your OH to manage his mum and I wouldn't commit to any plans for a 3 month visit. That discussion can wait until the baby is here and you're a bit more settled? MIL might not be happy about it but it isn't about her it is about you and your new family.

Do not give in to the emotional blackmail, thats all it is. "They are not doing what I tell them so I will act the martyr and they will come round"

Its NONE of her business what you do whether she lives next door or the other side of the world. Be VERY clear that there is NO discussion necessary. YOUR baby YOUR choices. Do not engage with her about this. Stop this now or you will have to have a 'discussion' about every little thing she thinks she has an input on.

She cannot make you do anything, she cannot tell you what to do.

Dont let her near you or your family unless she apologises and promises never to stick her beak in where it doesnt belong again. If she stays with you she will never let it drop. She will criticise everything you say and do just to make her point that she is right.

If she is coming over to see other family too then a b&b is perfect, that way you can show her the door if she starts. And do not let her come when you have just had the baby, tired and hormonal women are more easy to browbeat with your 'opinions', dont let her have the chance. No way would I have someone like that stay with me for 3 months its the last thing you need with a new baby, its your time together as a family, not hers.

Poor DP but at least you all know her attitude now and can tell her to stuff it. Support your DP and tell him how great it is he is standing up for his family against his bat shit mum.

Oh and dont let her come this year either, you need to enjoy yourselves before baby gets here, relaxing and planning and anything else you want to do, not entertaining some bully.

Wow, no emotional blackmail then !

Jesus, just keep reiterating what you plan on doing and telling her what she wants is irrelevant. She sounds unhinged. Can you imagine her staying for three months? I'd be done for murder!

Wow,I just saw your later posts and WTF. A big bag of NOPE. This woman is clearly having some kind of tantrum that she doesn't get to dictate how you live your lives. She can find somewhere else to stay for her two week visit until she calms down and behaves like an adult. Your poor DH and poor you, you don't need this crap

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!

The fact you're even in this dialogue with your MIL says that your OH needs to develop a backbone and tell his DM to butt out

These men who are welded to mummy's apron strings with her over-invested and watching their relationship like a hawk..it beats my why women shack up with them. It must be obvious from the get go that Mama rules so it should be dealt with then. After the relationship has started its normally futile, with sniping and arguments between MIL and DW getting out of hand

Stop going on, sit back, and simply tell your OH to sort it. 8 months pregnant? I wouldn't be getting embroiled in this bullshit at all I mean its not as if there is a law that says you have to do as your MIL says and return to work, is there?

Good luck with the takeover coup she'll stage, the nosiness dictating and commanding from her once baby is born if your OH doesn't grow a pair pretty sharpish

Have you met her, OP? Because in the entire time of your relationship she may have only been over once or twice, if at all?

Firstly, I think she is reflecting what is normal where she lives but is not normal where you live and she obviously can't grasp that. I have heard of just a couple of weeks of maternity leave in that area! So from that end, I can see why she thought she would be able to steam in help with caring duties.

She's not forcing you back though - she thinks you will be returning to work but you and your partner already know that you won't and he's told her. So that's sorted.

The longer stay when you do return to work that she's proposed in a year's time - well considering the current drama I would definitely not be keen on that! But my take on that is that she's got the message you will not be going back until then but thought she'd be 'needed' at that time and could look after the baby. MIL probably feels close to your DP despite the distance (which is why I asked if you'd actually met her) and still feels as if she'll be a necessary part of the family.

I don't think she's handled it well at all (or reacted well) and hope everything calms down very soon! But I don't think her saying the baby should go into a nursery at a specific age is forcing you back to work - she's expressing an opinion that you don't agree with but it's not forcing you to do anything!