AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

[Peachypop]

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

She sounds batshit. I would tell her that she is not welcome to stay with you now in a few weeks after what she has said. Fuck that. You will have a newborn soon and recovering from birth, you do not need emotional abuse in your life.

The woman has no say in how you run your life. Repeat this until you believe it.

I don't understand thread like this. You're an adult. You say no and then refuse to engage. What's the issue

Sorry - not read the whole thread, BUT your child, your decision.

Fuck having her round for 2.5 weeks in August this year, let alone the next. Imagine having to contend with her and a newborn?!

You are going to have to support him through this.

This does NOT mean you should take any shit from her.

She can insist, she can tantrum, she can do whatever she wants. Right up until the point it interferes in your life.

Tell her where to go! No way can she dictate to you how long you take off! Your baby your choice, glad your partner agrees with you too.
Congratulations on your pregnancy, don't let her wind you up

There is no way that I could have put my DD in Nursery at age 6 months however my DSIS did with her 3 and they are all fine young DC.

In your shoes I would take the year, find a fantastic nursery and start the settling in process early. In our nursery it was 3 settling in sessions, one where I took her and stayed, one when I left her for an hour and another where she had 2 hours including lunch. She was 11 months old and fine. I could then use the nursery adhoc for crèche (pre booked hourly) when I needed to return to work she was happy and settled.

There is apparently separation anxiety aged around 11 months but you will be fine, we had tears on drop off a few times but all ok.

My year maternity leave was the one of the best times of my life, you will never get that time again, take it, enjoy it.

DO NOT LET YOUR MIL DICATATE TO YOU

Tell her she can stay in a nearby hotel and do the cleaning while you spend quality time with your baby! Get your partner to have a word with her. She can't impose her culture on you.
Is your partner going to stand up to his Mum for you? He should be standing up for your parental rights and that of your unborn child.

'Thanks, I'll bear that in mind'

Then ignore her and do what works for your family! Dh's job to tell her to back off.

Is this women deranged, what makes her think she can dictate your lives...and as for inviting herself to stay for 12 weeks!
When she comes to visit, both of you sit down with her, explain how it's going to be, tell her in no uncertain terms, you will not be changing your plans and you will brook no interference (or extended visits) from her!
End of discussion!!!

She just wants to take over with your baby.

Push back, politely and very very firmly, and keep pushing - until she gets the message. Long term, your relationship will be better for it (for 'better', read 'possible at all'!)

She wants to be the boss of her son's family as well as her own - to stay in pole position as matriarch and 'mum figure', as she always has been where he is concerned.

So - that's fine to sort, as long as you aren't a pushover. The potential bigger problem is your fiance. It's understandable that a situation like this is upsetting for him - but he needs to understand VERY clearly who exactly is causing it and how it will most easily get sorted, because what his mum will be pouring into his ear will be the very opposite.

'DF, this is really about your mum wanting to feel she is in control. It's about you growing up and getting your own family and her feeling sidelined by that change. It's about her wanting to still feel she's the 'mum figure' and trying to maintain that by taking over with our baby.
That can't and won't be happening, not if we want to continue to be happy together - I'm not going to let someone else, no matter who they are, dictate or even be INVOLVED in decisions that are ours, and I certainly won't be stepping aside and letting your mum take over with our baby. But, I also want a good relationship with her and I definitely want her to feel she's and important part of all our lives. The best way for that to happen is for us to present a united front - it will be difficult at first, but the more mixed messages she gets, the more she will guilt trip and try and push things, and the result will be that I fall out with her. The result WON'T be that she gets what she wants. I don't want to fall out with her and I don't want us to fight about it. The best - the only way to handle this is for us both to be very firm and clear that we'll be making the decisions, we'll be doing the parenting, and if she wants to be involved, then she needs to respect us both AS THE PARENTS.

'I suggest you contact her and let her know we love and value her but we will absolutely not be discussing childcare arrangements or any other aspect of how we arrange our lives with her - they are decisions for us alone. She needs to respect that just as we respect her decisions about her own life. Also, we will NOT be having anyone to stay for extended periods in our home.'

The only delicious thing about this woman is the fact she lives in Thailand. Stop giving her any time.

Just smile and say 'it's amazing how different cultures are. I couldn't do that, I would feel a terrible mother going off to work before baby is 9 months at the very least, I'm looking forward to a year with baby. Nobody here would worry about separation anxiety until their children are 2 or 3.

I'm sorry? She's a nursery teacher? Glad my DC aren't at her nursery

Perhaps your partner should let her know that abusive emails are not a reasonable answer to "not getting her own way". she needs to apologise for that and begin to reconsider her place in your lives.
Stand up to this interference now - it will only get worse. I am a great gran. The stepping back is extremely hard when the new family is developing.

Wow! I'd tell her if she doesn't apologise and drop it now she won't be staying with you in August. No way. You do not need this stress so close to having baby. She will ruin it.

Wow. She sounds mentally ill.

"it's just life and then you die"

Wow. Just wow.

One response to that would be "Yep, that is very true, and lots of women die before they ever get a chance to meet their grandchildren. Instead of dictating how we raise yours, perhaps you could be happy that you are still around to get to know him/her. "

As you can probably guess, my Mum died before my DS was born. Your MIL has no idea how lucky she is she is.

NEVER EVER let her come for 3 months, 3 weeks at an absolute push.

Do you want to keep your sanity?

Wow - she told her son (your DP) to fuck himself because he didn't agree with what she wanted?!?!

If it was me I'd be telling her that she's not in a position to be dictating childcare for your child, and as a result of the way she has spoken to you / your DP she was no longer welcome in your home next month or at any future point!

I live in Thailand. Believe me no-one here wants to go back to work after 3 months, but that's all the leave you can take. Hard to imagine anyone, let alone a educator thinking mother and baby having less time together is ideal. I can only think that she has some sort of issue, perhaps jealousy, that you can afford to take a year off when she couldn't??

Urghhh she told her son to fuck himself?!! She sounds like she has no respect, and so no place in your home. Controlling personalities like she has are often cause abusive power games that you'd be best off keeping at arms length. If she treats her son like that, chances are, she always has and won't treat your child any better. Ban her!

Of course it is just life and then you die. What else was she expecting? You live, then you die. If she had said, it is just misery then you die I could work with that issue, but she just stated fact.

She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh)

I expect it is coming from this - I found a lot of well we did this so you should to from family, friends and other mothers.

I certainly got it with bf and then later whether I went back to work of not or how much I worked. Doing something different can be taken as attacking what the choices they made - even when it's really not.

Fine a way to ignore - oh that's nice - oh well things are different now.

Your partner needs to use at least some of her tactics on her. Tell her he is deeply offended that she thinks she can dictate how you live your lives and in particular he is deeply offended at the way she has written about you.