AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

[Peachypop]

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

This whole thing just totally escalated, as it usually does with her. She told my DP to 'fuck himself' and 'do what you want, I feel like I don't exist, remember how not the first even parents, do what the boss (me) said, fuck you I am deeply offended by my son'... I feel very upset about this now. Why couldn't she just say 'OK, no worries, you know where I am if you need any help' :(

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!

The only thing you are being unreasonable in is thinking your MIL gets a say in when you go back to work!
Seriously. She can say what she likes but it has got absolutely nothing at all to do with her! Ignore.

Your MIL might be overbearing but there is absolutely no need for you to pander to her. You are old enough to have a good job and your own home, so you are certainly old enough to make your own decisions about maternity leave and childcare. It is none of MILs business, so you absolutely do not need to talk about it when she comes over. She can't send you back to work, she doesn't even live in the same country.

And as for coming over for 12 weeks to look after your baby; that is 4 times as long as she looked after her own baby; she had her chance 30-odd years ago and basically blew it. Are you sure she is not the one suffering separation anxiety? Is she still working so would be taking unpaid leave? If she is worried about your finances, she could stay working for those 12 weeks and give you the money instead. No, it wouldn't be your place to suggest it but it is no more outrageous than what she is trying to dictate to you.

Her reaction: 'she doesn't want me there and you agree with her. It's just life and then you die'.

Good on your DH for telling her. As for this, it's emotional blackmail and she can fuck right off with that.
Ignore, ignore IGNORE.

If that is her attitude I would ask if she actually wanted to come this year. You can do without that sort of stress right before the birth

I would be cancelling her august visit now after her last message! What a strange lady!

Jesus. She said that to her son?

Yes to above. Tell her it's not a good idea for her to come this year.

Fuck that. You need support at this time not abuse. for you and your poor oh (get him to read the fog pages and stuff. I don't know much about it all but lots of useful stuff there from people who've been there)

She sounds unhinged, making up crap about separate anxiety so so can come and live with you, she is chomping at the bit ti take over. Sadly your not the first and you won't be the last who has their pregnancy clouded by nasty Mil. awaiting the usual posters who will tell us your Mil is is true gem and should be allowed to stay and dictate too you

It must be hard for your DP but I think he needs to speak to her and make it clear that her text is blowing things out of proportion. It certainly isn't that you don't want her there and that he agrees, it's that you both want you to take the full maternity leave, it's a decision for you two and only you two to make and you believe it's best for your family. And that you both look forward to seeing her when the baby is here, and appreciate her offer to help but that 3 months is a long time for all of you cooped up together and perhaps 3 weeks would be better?

Just tell her you have already decided that you will be returning to work after 12 months and that it's non-negotiable.
So what if she lived in Thailand and some women go back after 12 weeks - what has that got to do with you or the price of fish?!

Good grief.

Is she/your partner actually from Thailand?

If not, I'm not sure why her happening to live there means that she thinks you (in the UK?) should adopt their customs??!!

She sounds horrible.

Hope that her son can see through the batshittery.

Personally if I was your dh I'd be telling her straight, why would we would we want you around our baby so long long when you verbally abuse us and try to manipulate us into doing what you want

Because why would you? She sounds like a drama lama and her way is the only way. These people need challenging and firm boundries. Good on you both for putting them in place, make sure you don't capitulae.

Well op seeing how your partner deals with this should give you an idea as to whether you want to stay with him and deal with the rest of this shift for the rest of your life together or not.
If he weakens and agrees she can come then prepare for your wishes and needs to be on the back burner for ever.

Wow, your MIL sounds batshit crazy!

Why does it bother her so much, jealousy perhaps? Lack of control?

What a shame for you and your fiancé. Show a united front and hopefully she'll realise how nuts she is.

she doesn't want me there and you agree with her. It's just life and then you die
That's true. But not wrong of you!
Mothers, grandmas, we have a strong urge to be involved. But that doesn't mean you have to cave in.

This is so easily dealt with. Tell her what you are doing. When she protests, thank her for her input and remind her that you are the parent and you will be doing things your way. And repeat. Add in, 'it's a done deal, I've already completed the paperwork with my employer' for good measure.

Your OH needs to tell her this is yours and her DSs baby and if anyone has a say in what is best for your DC then it is you two as the DC parents.
I can understand where you are coming from I sadly have to put my DC in nursery and go back to work part time when they will be 7 months old I'm not looking forward to it and I've tried to reason with it myself that it will be good for them and for myself but you really just need to say thanks for your advice because that's all it needs to be nothing more but we've already discussed what is best and just tell her what you've discussed in the post about having the year off socialising with other mums and babies
Not that it should be any of her business etc
And personally each to their own regarding when they go back after having a baby some don't have much choice but to go back sooner but it doesn't make anyone a bad mum if they stay off longer or go back quicker

Just enjoy your time off with your Newborn and forget about MIL after all if she's planning on staying at your flat kindly show her the door or even drop hints about lovely hotels close by I'm sure she would soon get the point of not over staying her welcome

I'm confused: whose decision was it for her to live in a separate country to her son for 27 years?

It's a cultural thing it seems and she has strong beliefs.

I'm a great believer in conversations rather than text and rather than text sorry OP - your DH needs to really be a bit braver and call his mother and explain that you have decided as a family unit what to do.

Texting is a bit of a get out for your DH!

"She told my DP to 'fuck himself' and 'do what you want, I feel like I don't exist,"

Dunno what you're on about, she sounds like a wonderful person to have in your house for 12 weeks!

Glad you've put your foot down, OP. The alternative is too horrifying to contemplate.

She's trying to guilt you out and make you feel bad because you've said no to her.

Ignore her manipulative texts. Don't respond to them, don't even acknowledge them, unless you're going to say something like, "Don't speak to me like that. It's not helpful and I'm going to ignore them all from now on."

You'd all be better off without her in your lives. She sounds awful.

PeachyPop I'm sad to read you've allowed this to have as much head space as it has. It is quite blunty ridiculous, your mother in law is a selfish narcissistic moron.

I'd sent her a really reasonable text (so if she over reacts again then she looks like the prick and not you) explaining that it's both of yours and DP's decision to take 12 months maternity leave and you will be sticking to it weather she likes it or not and that she'll be welcome for 1/2 weeks for a holiday but not 12 weeks and that you will be on maternity leave and she will not be the primary carer for your child.

I had to be really firm with my parents in law, they love to do whatever the hell they want but fortunately my DH stands up to them as well so they get the message that it's our child and our rules.

Has your dh expressed any insight into what a manipulative nasty person his mother appears to be?