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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AMBU - MIL insists I put my child at nursery at 6mo

254 replies

Peachypop · 26/07/2017 06:09

AMBU MY MOTHER IN LAW INSISTS ON ME GOING BACK TO WORK AFTER 6 MONTHS MATLEAVE!
I’m 8 months pregnant with my fiancé and recently I’ve been struggling with my mother in law. We’ve been together for over a year and whilst this pregnancy wasn’t planned we are both happy to be expecting. Currently we live in my flat in London whilst my OH rents out his place and we are planning to sell both properties to move to a house in about 18 months time. When we found out we were pregnant we discussed my maternity leave and whilst I earn more money we both agreed that I would take a year maternity leave, even though things will be tight we will be able to afford it.
So the problem started, for me, recently when my mother in law started giving her unwanted opinion on my maternity leave. She’s lived in Thailand and middle east for the past 27 years working as a nursery teacher only visiting UK once a year. She’s a very opinionated person and I normally try to avoid any conflict with her by not getting involved. However she is coming over to stay with us for 2.5 weeks in August just before arrives. Recently she’s been telling my OH that we should send our baby to nursery early to avoid ‘separation anxiety’. Whilst deep down I thought it was unnecessary as I was planning to spend full 12 months at home and meet other mums at playgroups, arrange for the baby to meet other children etc. I suggested that we talk about it when she comes over and visits us in August. However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again. She’s made a few suggestions about how she went back to work 3 weeks after having a baby (my oh) and other women in Thailand and middle east only take 12 weeks off and send their children to nursery or get a nanny. I would never dream of going back to work so early, my mum took a year out when she had me and 2 years when she had my sister.
We have discussed this with my oh and he agrees that it would be best for me to stay with the baby for 12 months and I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work, not to mention inviting herself over for 3 months? She is coming over to visit us in the next two weeks and I’m already dreading having this conversation. Am I being unreasonable to feel offended and undermined or is it just pregnancy hormones that are making me feel sensitive?
I'm actually still working and these last few weeks she been so hard physically, the last thing I need is stress like this...

OP posts:
VagueyMcVague · 26/07/2017 07:53

DON'T BUDGE AN INCH. Hers is a non-opinion, she doesn't get a say, she can fuck right off.

If you cave on this it'll be the thin end of the wedge. It sounds like you have your husband's support so you can tell her assertively and kindly but firmly. I understand it's hard with a very opinionated person, especially your MIL but your family life is your business alone.

I'd also tell her there's no fucking way she can come and stay for 12 weeks. Tell her she's welcome to stay for a week or so but you don't need her there for 12 weeks as you won't be going back to work.

Then just tell her to fuck off again for the craic (nicely she's your MIL Grin) Sorry OP this situation has just riled me right up! Probably pushing my own buttons AngryGrin

You must have confidence in your decisions and model a good way of being. You're going to be someone's mama Smile

claritytobeclear · 26/07/2017 07:53

Stand your ground and say no, but be prepared for you and your partner to never hear the end of it. My MIL is complaining about things I did with DD more than a year ago. I actually suspect she will complain about every parenting decision I make for the rest of my life. I thank the good Lord we don't live in the same country and try to put it out of my mind.

There is an end in sight. My MiL did not like me not going back to work after DC, I just practised shrugging my shoulders! We did not live close and mainly saw each other at big family events. If she started a conversation I did not like I just suddenly needed the loo or whatever and by the time I got back to the room she'd be talking to someone else. Any way she did eventually give up, after a few years.

flowery · 26/07/2017 07:54

"However last night when mil spoke to my oh she said that next year she will come over to stay with us for 12 weeks to look after the baby in the summer so that I can go back to work and start earning again"

Why didn't DP immediately say no thanks to this?

By him not pushing back straightaway and you suggesting you'll discuss it in August you are both giving MIL the impression that she has a say in this, which is a bit odd, and makes things a bit harder.

You both need to be firm now, especially DP- it's his mother.

coconutpie · 26/07/2017 07:54

Tell her to fuck off back off. She does not get a say in this! And why did you tell her you'd discuss it? It's none of her fucking business. Tell your DP that she will also be staying with you for 3 months next year. Also, I think you are insane allowing her to stay with you in your London flat (so presumably a small space) for 2.5 weeks just before you are about to give birth. How about you tell DP to book her into an air bnb instead?

coconutpie · 26/07/2017 07:55

Sorry that should say "also NOT staying with you for 3 months!!"

claritytobeclear · 26/07/2017 07:56

It doesn't matter what she says. If she suddenly announces she is coming the OP can have arranged to sell the flat / be moving/ be on holiday - quite easily. 'Oh soz!',

MimiSunshine · 26/07/2017 08:00

I suspect there is an element of her thinking you will be 'sponging' off her son for a year. She may not know / believe that you are the higher earner so is wanting you to get back to work as soon as possible so that you are paying your way.

Just don't entertain any discussion, flatly tell her you are taking a years maternity leave as is your right and that she is welcome to visit but you won't be having anyone staying more than a night

If she says but in Thailand/ Middle East they do XYZ just say well thank goodness it's not like that here. Then tell your boyfriend that he needs to be having a word with his mum or she's not welcome in your flat

MoHunter · 26/07/2017 08:00

As PP have said let DP deal with his mother and tell her straight what YOUR (you and DP's) intentions and plans are for the baby, period.
YOU should not have to deal with this as it's not your mum! It's your baby and you take as much leave as you want/can afford.

MIL may not like the thought that she may have left her baby (your OH) too early to get back to work, perhaps she has some lingering feelings of guilt and is therefore being pushy. Either way it's none of her business.

About the 12 weeks staying over let DP tell her she is welcome to visit but 12 weeks I still too long and simply does not suit you, as you have other plans / maybe other family wants to come visit etc.

The nerve of some people!

bloodymaria · 26/07/2017 08:01

You, or really OH need to nip this in the bud now. No drama but decide on your boundaries and stick to them.

newbian · 26/07/2017 08:01

claritytobeclear I hope there is an end in sight! DH just spent a weekend with her (I'm pregnant and it's long haul so had a lucky escape couldn't join, and he said she moaned about my parenting at length Angry

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 26/07/2017 08:03

i agree with the pp. it's your dhs time to step up to the plate. It's his mum. Why didn't he tell her there was no need to come over for three months?!

could your oh be finding this all a bit overwhelming if it wasn't planned? Maybe he's panicking how over you will both cope and the idea of help is a tiny bit attractive. I think you need to talk to him. Get yourself working as a team. If he has any doubts it's you he needs to speak to. Once you're solid you can deal with mil.

Also in Japan and some other Asian countries mums of new babies go home to stay with their parents for three months. Culturally it's just what they do - the grandmothers teaching their daughters how to bring up babies as well as cleaning/feeding/being there to help out. Maybe if she's been in Thailand for a while maybe she sees this is as the norm? Either way though - if it doesn't suit you, it doesn't suit you. She can't bloody tell you what to do!

Take care. You sound like you have it all sorted. Just need to get a united front to say thanks but no thanks to the mil. Hope all goes well

MissJSays · 26/07/2017 08:12

I never understand threads like this they make me so mad!
Just tell her no it's not her decision and tell your DP to sort his batshit mother out!
Do NOT let her stay with you!

supersop60 · 26/07/2017 08:15

I really don’t understand why his mother is sending me back to work
She isn't sending you anywhere.
It's none of her business.
Your baby, your life, YOUR CHOICE.
Smile and nod, and then do your own thing.,

Original poster
Peachypop · 26/07/2017 08:17

Thank you so much for all the comments. My partner texted his mum this morning to say that I will be taking 12 months to be with the baby hence we won't need her in the summer next year.
Her reaction: 'she doesn't want me there and you agree with her. It's just life and then you die'. He tried to smooth things over by saying it wasn't personal and that we just wanted this time as a family. I can see this is really upsetting for him :(

OP posts:
StatelessPrincess · 26/07/2017 08:20

Just ignore her, you are an adult. Make sure your DP is firm, and don't even take her suggestions seriously. 2 weeks after my DD was born my MIL said I should get a new job and she would move in with us and look after DD full time. She tried the same thing with my SIL. I laughed in her face, don't even worry about it.
Also, I don't know a single woman in the Middle East that's gone back to work quickly because they wanted to, only because they had to.

MrsOverTheRoad · 26/07/2017 08:22

Google "How to tell if your parent is a narcissist"

Then show your partner.

flumpybear · 26/07/2017 08:22

She's being difficult, not you. She. Refs boundaries, these are your decisions, not hers. She's got to be told firmly otherwise she'll stomp all over you

Dianag111 · 26/07/2017 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoHunter · 26/07/2017 08:23

it's just life and then you die
Wow, emotional blackmail much? You don't want that kind of manipulative person to look after your baby even if you DID need it!
Sounds like she doesn't care about your wishes one bit, it's just about her.

tabbymog · 26/07/2017 08:23

What Endofthelinefinally said.

There's a massive cultural difference between Thailand, and Asia generally with multi-generational families living together, and Britain. I imagine your MiL just doesn't understand this, and she's the matriarch. These are typically very matriarchal societies, with good family support. I think our society is the poorer for it, actually, but it's the way it is. She's doing what's right in her society and supporting you. I think you'll have a hard time getting your DP to talk to his mother about this, she's the boss.

I remember going to live in Singapore at 20, and being being amazed by the power that the senior woman in a three or four-generational family, wielded. It was easy to observe because we lived outside as much as possible in that climate, and 'keeping the noise down because of the neighbours' wasn't a convention then, and probably still isn't now!

In your situation I'd be thinking how to keep MiL on side otherwise there are going to be strains and I think you could well find your DP siding with his mother.

ghostyslovesheets · 26/07/2017 08:24

Just say no - seriously she had no ability to make you do anything - you see her once a year!

I'm confused though - if baby is due August and she wants you back at work at 6 months why is she suggesting coming over for 12 weeks next summer - baby will be 1 then

Dianag111 · 26/07/2017 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

planetclom · 26/07/2017 08:27

Text her back and say "yes that's what we thought which is why I want to spend more than 3 months at home when they are a baby and not 32" or whatever age your husband is.
No really don't that would be cruel but she sounds awful stick to your guns.

LovelyBath77 · 26/07/2017 08:29

Ignore her, so that you want to do. Have a look at Out of the FOG site to help with ideas for her. Good luck.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 26/07/2017 08:35

Your poor oh.

I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but that comment - it's just life and then you die - honestly. That's just awful

How is your oh? Do you have family? Just wondering how they are reacting - and maybe he can see that loving parents don't respond by emotional blackmail like that.

Take care. Glad he said something.