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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH on holiday

384 replies

Holidayhell1 · 25/07/2017 11:05

NC for this.

We are currently on holiday, all inc. as you tend to do, we've found our 'spot' to sit at each day, next to a pool and under some trees. Nearby are a couple of women, who happen to speak the same language as DH's native language. Both women have been blatantly eyeing DH up (he's very fit and classically good looking). Our DCs have noticed it, they make it very obvious, one in particular goes in the pool the minute DH does.

He told me a couple of days ago he'd joined in a conversation they were having (in the language) the other day as he was getting food. I was irritated and said wtf, you refuse to even be friendly to neighbour's at home. He knew I was annoyed with how openly they were showing their interest.

Last night he stayed at the bar after me and the DCs went back to the room. (About 1030/12) at 0045 he still wasn't back and not responding to texts or calls. Me and a DC trudged up to the bar and there he's sat, happily drinking and chatting to one of the slappers.

He says I'm spoiling the holiday by being upset, and that it was an innocent drink, he wasn't doing anything. I say just because it was just a drink, it will have signalled interest on his part, and it's deeply disrespectful and humiliating to me.

AIBU? Is my reaction OTT? The DCs are furious with him and told him he was 'untrustworthy and cheating'. He's gone off on his own.

Kind advice please 😔😔

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 25/07/2017 12:08

holidayhell They aren't waving scantily clad bodies in your husbands face. They are wearing the swimwear they want to wear and that makes you jealous. There is nothing to say they are after your husband.

Iwantamarshmallow · 25/07/2017 12:09

yanbu - it’s appalling behaviour from both dh and the woman
sorry ChickenBhuna if someone openly makes a play for a married man or woman they are in fact a slapper.

Bluntness100 · 25/07/2017 12:09

For goodness sake. They are making a play for her DH and he's going along with it. Out of order all round. No mater what they look like.

Nothing she has posted says they are making a play for her husband. She is watching them so so closely, even to see where their eyes go, monitors them taking selfies or getting in the pool, has issue with the simple exchange of words in the buffet, even talks about the size of their bikinis like even that is wrong. Screams jealousy to me.

Plenty of Russians I know, like any other nationality, like a few drinks and talk to fellow compatriots. He stayed up at the bar chatting to one. So what? Should he have come straight to bed? Is he not allowed to stay up, or should he be allowed to stay up if he doesn't talk to a member of the opposite sex?

Nicknacky · 25/07/2017 12:11

Do people actually go on holiday and not speak to anyone else apart from their own party? That's the vibe I'm getting from some posters here.

You can still have a family holiday and chat with other holiday makers regardless of what sex they are!

The women could be happily married, don't assume they are single just because they are two females on holiday.

dontbesillyhenry · 25/07/2017 12:11

Why are people being so utterly short sighted. This is far from being a case of the OP not wanting her DH to talk to the opposite sex. Why people have to try and be as contrary and argumentative as possible on here at times baffles me

LurkingFather · 25/07/2017 12:11

Not sure what your husband did there and it may well have been far from innocent, but that aside I would think your reaction points at a fair number of deeper problems.

You do not seem to speak your husband's language. This will be for all future a source of strive - unless you change that. For you any and all conversations between your husband and other women - however innocent - will be source of suspicion, while for him your lack of willingness to engage with his people, his culture and his language will be a source of misery and eventually bitterness.

I have seen many marriages across cultural and language boundaries struggle exactly at that point. For middle-eastern men of a certain background in particular there is often also a problem that the British women they end up marrying are less well educated and insular in outlook, while they themselves struggle with obtaining a social standing approaching the one they had at home. The wives then find it hard to accept the validity of their husband's culture, while the husbands need to maintain two personas - one for this world and one for there. Not good. "Not without my daughter" always jumps to mind. You learning the language will go a long way to bridge this gap and ensure future happiness.

LagunaBubbles · 25/07/2017 12:11

Blunt - of course I'm fucking jealous! Two women are waving scantily clad bodies in my husband's face while I'm sat there! They are most definitely coming on to him! They're not young twenty somethings, both are at least late 30s so wtf they think his achieves is beyond me. Attention, I guess

Oh for goodness sake stop focusing on these women and examine the real problem - your DH. They are not "waving" anything in your DHs face, and if its about attention its working as your DH is giving them plenty of that!

OnionKnight · 25/07/2017 12:12

You sound jealous and insecure. You don't own your husband.

GlitterSparkles17 · 25/07/2017 12:12

If he can act like this on a family holiday with his wife and kids what is he like when your not around?

I think the women are out of order but I think your husband is acting disgustingly.

PetalHead · 25/07/2017 12:13

OP I don't know why people are queuing up to say it's all cool. I think most of us would be as pissed of as you are if we're honest. You're there, you (and your kids) can tell the difference between harmless incidental chatting/pool-sharing and really going for it.

Like MeanAger I've LTB and that's why I have no advice for you. I just can't be arsed with this kind of dickishness any more. My ex was/is not a hottie who'd get chased round the pool on holiday, but he'd always prioritise impressing someone else over us, his family, and leave me with the grunt work while he went around being Mr Charming. It feels horrible and it is horrible, and YANBU.

Nicknacky · 25/07/2017 12:13

glitter He has had a drink in a bar and spoken to a woman. How is that acting disgustingly?!

Namechangetempissue · 25/07/2017 12:13

Your issue is with your husband, not the women.

Mommasoph30 · 25/07/2017 12:14

hs an arse yeah the women are no better but u don't know them you are married to a selfish arse who has know respect,

I would not be with someone like this

babyboomersrock · 25/07/2017 12:15

LurkingFather

The OP says I wouldn't have a problem with him talking to anyone, in fact we both speak the language and we've spoken to other Russians here

MrsFarm · 25/07/2017 12:15

look, none of us are there so we can't see if these women are Slappers or not....but lets just take the OP's word for it and say they are - their behavior certainly seems very "slapperish" anyway.

Her anger is not misdirected! She can be pissed at her husband - which she is - and she can also be pissed off with these women (slappers) for coming onto her husband plain as day infront of her and her children.

Yes she went down to the bar late at night with her kids, that may not be everyones choice of how to tackle the situation - but this was the OP's choice so no need to attack her on her parenting.

What your husband did is NOT right - what those women did is NOT right either. I certainly wouldn't be finishing the marriage - which seems to be suggested on mumsnet ALOT for every type of issue....but you do need to talk to him, when ye both calm down and tell him that its NOT on atall. it's HIGHLY disrespectful and shouldn't happen again.

supermoon100 · 25/07/2017 12:16

So the women are innocent of any misconduct? Bollocks

emilybrontescorset · 25/07/2017 12:17

Op
Could you move to a different side of the pool, or another pool?
I know you shouldnt have to but I don't know what else to suggest.

DearMrDilkington · 25/07/2017 12:18

Tbh your husband was probably gawping at them first, so they found it funny to keep doing sexy poses in front of the weird bloke staring at them all the time. I doubt they get in the pool just because he does, more than one person can use a swimming pool at once..

They're probably not that interested in him, sounds like his been the one making conversation and joining them at the bar.

It's him you should be annoyed with.

OnionKnight · 25/07/2017 12:19

So husbands can't talk to the opposite sex?

HipsterHunter · 25/07/2017 12:20

I'd be really unhappy if DP was in a bar chatting to other women who clearly fancied him, whilst I was at home in the hotel room with the kids on my own!

Who seriously woudl be happy with that????

Bluntness100 · 25/07/2017 12:21

Blunt - of course I'm fucking jealous! Two women are waving scantily clad bodies in my husband's face while I'm sat there! They are most definitely coming on to him

I missed this but is it not they are simply scantily clad as they are by the pool and happen to be near your husband. How is it in his face? Many woman take selfies and pose by the pool. I'm just urging you to seperate what is your jealousy of the women from what's actually happening.

Why people have to try and be as contrary and argumentative as possible on here at times baffles me

Oh the irony,,,Grin

If this is irrational jealousy then you do the op no favours by telling her her husbands a scumbag and encouraging her to ruin her holiday. Sometimes we need to examine out thoughts and the reality is he's done nothing wrong from what i can see, other than have a drink and chat to them at the buffet bar.

happypoobum · 25/07/2017 12:21

I wouldn't like this but I am a jealous bitch

I would insist on moving to another pool or a different area. Are you really just lying by the pool all day every day? I would die of boredom.Is there nowhere to go?

Flamingosarepink · 25/07/2017 12:21

The op cant win on here. She gets asked what the women are doing thats so awful....she explains....then the op gets told to stop harping on about the women and be pissed off with dh instead.

Its blatently obvious shes pissed off with her dh too. Shes not saying her dh is right and the women are wrong. Shes saying their behaviour together is pissing her off.

Ffs some of you are just being goady.

Shoxfordian · 25/07/2017 12:22

Scantily clad? Do you mean wearing bikinis by a pool? Shock horror.

I really can't see what the issue is here unless you have other trust issues you haven't disclosed.

Original poster
Holidayhell1 · 25/07/2017 12:23

I do speak Russian. I met my DH while doing my Russian degree. We don't speak it much because he's done everything in his power to 'britify' himself to try to blend away from some of the prejudice and racism he's encountered.
We both work public services, and independently have loads of contact with the opposite sex - one of his ex-bosses had the hots for me which I told him about and actively discouraged.
There have been no 'scenes' but I'm intelligent enough to know when someone is flirting, especially when I've tried to smile and say hello in Russian and they've blanked me.

You're right, my DH should absolutely be to blame, and if we focus on my initial post asking was my reaction (feeling upset and humiliated) unfair, rather than my angry referral to the women's behaviour, that was the emphasis. In true MN stylee its moved to defending them and dissecting my parenting.

My DH is one who doesn't like socialising, or having friends at home. He refuses invites to neighbour get togethers, doesn't attend anything at work, and says all he wants is me and our cosy life. No, of course we don't own each other, but when on every other holiday he moans his head off at having drinks with any other families, can you not empathise why I'm struggling at it suddenly being ok with someone I've already expressed discomfort around their behaviour?

OP posts: