I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

Base camp my work is my passion and I find it interesting, presumably as interesting as you find growing things and watching films

I have seen too many women in their late 40s pottering around with a job that doesn't tax them

So what? Not everyone wants to feel "taxed" all day! So long as they're not living off benefits, what business is it of yours if they only have a part time job, or an "easy" job?

If everyone decided not to work, where would we be as a society? Some people can't work because of caring responsibilities, or ill health, or because they live in an area with high unemployment and few job opportunities. The op doesn't fall into those categories.

Why should society support her 'choice' not to work? If the OP is not in one of the above categories and chooses not to earn and pay tax, why is that OK? I don't think it is.

I'd love to spend my days going to museums and reading books, and my dp earns enough that this is possibly just about feasible. But I use hospitals, our dc went to state schools, I use other services funded through taxation. So i need to contribute by working. I firmly believe that we all have a responsibility to contribute financially to the society we benefit from if we're able to. I say that as a feminist and a Labour party member. Giving up work to go to the gym, which is what the OP suggested she wanted to do, isn't feminism.

"When did feminism become about a woman doing what other women want her to do rather than what men want her to do?"
It didn't AFAIK. That's not a conclusion of what I said

@UsedToBeAPaxmanFan what about people who do work but don't earn enough to pay tax? Or who earn minimum wage and pay out the tiniest amount in tax each month, which doesn't even come close to covering what they take out of the system?

Are they lazy because they don't contribute enough? Or is it okay so long as they don't claim benefits?

It's a very Western (US/UK) idea that everyone should have to work as long and as hard as possible.

A couple of things strike me- first as others have pointed out, your hours are quite long for a 'part-time job' and therefore the domestic load is heavy as I bet you do absolutely everything, certainly all wifework, all running after kids, all cooking, so it's bound to feel exhausting. Second, you then load extra on yourself, so you are doing Air B and B and doing additional study modules- why? If you want more time with the children, why not drop those things, surely they do take your energy and time away? Or drop the work and keep the Air B and B and study? It just seems a bit silly to overload yourself and then complain you don't have enough time for them, especially as you don't need the money. Third, your eldest is 15, so all this lovely mum/parent time, however brilliant, is going to end in just three short years for him so personally, if you like your job and the potential to keep at it for 20 years is there, I wouldn't quit. My friends who stayed home have struggled enormously with the empty nest/lack of employability/purpose issue, and although I agree you don't need work to make life interesting, you sound like someone who needs to be busy all the time, and the gym might not cut it.

Your husband's excuses as to why, even when working from home (!) he can't possibly do the lifts/runs to the activities are hilarious, is he running the World Bank from your back room? I don't think so...

I agree it's not about tax. From families with small children who have one partner as a higher earner and the other sah I suspect he (almost always he) is paying enough tax for both of them

I would be cautious about giving up work. What would happen if something unforeseen happens like your husband getting ill or losing his job? Even if he is happy with you doing it, I would still be wary.

I went pt after had second child. I work 2 and half days a week. Perfect for me as get couple of days with kids - youngest not in school yet but also adult company and a job i enjoy the other days. Iv offered to go back ft if dh wants to drop to pt and be a sahd (he was at home until ds1 was 4) but he says he's happy working and found being sahd very isolating

nollaig this is what happened to me and never in my life have I been more glad I stuck to my career, but of course people have to live the life they have now in a way they enjoy- the OP says she likes her job though and finds it fulfilling and interesting, I just think she has too much other stuff going on (Air B and B, studying, husband who is 'too busy' to help) and is probably fed up with being the anchor in everybody else's lives instead of the main event in her own.

My comment was just an observation that after kids enter teens, what do you do then? Some people get fed up not being challenged. Of course it doesn't apply to everyone.

Being the anchor in everyone else's life instead of the main event in her own is a really good way of putting it

"It's a very Western (US/UK) idea that everyone should have to work as long and as hard as possible."

What???? It's a very (insert other continents of choice) reality that most people HAVE to work long and hard, way more than us westerners! Longer days, harder work, more years are the norm throughout the world.

The difference here is that we have the luxury of choice. including some years on benefits, to be a sahp, etc.

A family with one very high earner can pay lots of tax to cover the whole family, and support the family economically. The issue is that sahp-hood is not intellectually stimulating enough over many years for many, and also lacks status.

OP, all this study and AirBnB sounds like your way of finding stimulation. Your kids will very soon not need you to be at home. Planning your whole life around ferrying them to activities is not a basis for your life over the next 20 years. Drop the extras, concentrate on tne job you worked for and demand the hours you want.

You know what I find the most dispiriting thing? Supporting men who insist on total domestic support to enable them to do their jobs. How is facilitating this any part of women ever having equality in the workplace?

I am a CEO. DH and I share responsibility for all home roles equally.

I would be cautious about giving up work. What would happen if something unforeseen happens like your husband getting ill or losing his job? Even if he is happy with you doing it, I would still be wary
Me too, OP.
But you are doing a lot more than you are perhaps giving yourself credit for. You could drop the air BnB for now or reduce hours if possible.

I'm not going to say YABU because it's how you feel. But honestly I don't have much respect for you. I hate my job for various reasons including the ridiculous commute which adds another 4 hours on to my day. But I'd hate myself more if I gave it up. I need to know I'm making a contribution to society both through the work I do and by my taxes and there's no way I could be dependent on somebody else to pay my way.

YY that's my point @TestTubeTeen - that only here is it something forced on people when it's completely unnecessary and often counter-productive!

We're lucky enough to live in a society where people don't need to work stupidly long hours or weeks yet people are shamed for not wanting to do so. I've seen threads where people are shamed for not working 60/70 hours, for daring to finish work before 6pm and starting later than 8am.

There seems to be this massive race to the bottom - other people work long hours so everyone else should do as well. I don't get it

I hate my job for various reasons including the ridiculous commute which adds another 4 hours on to my day. But I'd hate myself more if I gave it up.

Lol. So you hate your job so nobody else can make a decision that means they enjoy their work-life balance?

A real race to the bottom feeling from your post. Personally, I think people who spend years working jobs they hate and make them miserable are a bit daft and I don't have much respect for them either!

Can you further cut down your hours? It sounds like much more than 60%, you do 2 x 9 hour days + 3 x 5 hour days plus the airbnb. Do you have to travel to work too?

I think, if you can afford to, you should try to carve out a bit more time to relax and potter. I'd aim for a minimum one full day of zero work plus one full afternoon off.

Please don't stop working. Why not find something more convenient for you?

I believe it's important that both halves of a couple have their own income and keep a foot in employment.

As others have said , why don't you hire people to do the time consuming things that tire you. Cleaning etc.

Please keep your independence though.

I don't think there is a moral issue, if the OP doesn't want to work and doesn't need money, then she shouldn't work- in fact you could argue that if her family has enough money without her working, she's taking away a wage from another family that needs it (morally).

I don't go for moral arguments here.

But the OP is obviously someone who needs a lot of stimulation (retrained, does Air B and B, studies even when she's done her Masters just for 'fun'). It doesn't seem like the life of leisure is going to be interesting for her. I think this desire to quit work and hang out with the children is a natural reaction to them growing up and away. Actually the best thing for them is probably to let them make their own tea of sandwiches twice a week and be there for chats/listening/running around as much as time allows- their independence is the biggest gift you can give them at this stage, just before they go off to college in a few years time. It's an emotional reaction to want to keep them close, not a rational one (how many 15 year old boys want to hang out with their mums anyway, not a great idea to give up work for that, he won't even be there for 90% of the time!?). It's quite scary starting to ask 'what do I want, what should my life look like for the next 20-25 years?' Easier to just retreat a bit into domesticity, but the OP doesn't sound like the retreating kind in her heart and I think she needs to kick her husband a bit too to step up for these few short years the teens need ferrying around.

This sounds like fear of change.
You've not started this yet - give it a chance for a good year or so and then see. In my field FT is 48hrs so the 60% sounds about right. Not for others.
Big changes do make you (one) fearful, tempted to go back to the familiar and comforting. And I do think that no one able to work should give up their financial independence - none of us know what's round the corner. You've another 20 years of working life left and a great deal to give.

Is there no way you can do the work in 4 days or start earlier on the short days so you've finished by 3?

I work about 10 hours a week at the moment self employed.
I did have another contract going as well which add d up to 20 hours in total but I've dropped that because I just really don't want to work to be honest
A few years ago when we were trying to get our business offf the ground I nearly killed myself by helping DH with that while still trying to earn enough money to keep us afloat and look afternoon the dc, house etc
Now I don't need to work but I do a few bits for our business and work a few hours for one very undemanding local client and I'm absolutely fine with that.
I walk my dog, read, potter around, visit my sick elderly Mum and I also have a high level voluntary position that takes about 1 day a month
I'm never bored, I never feel unfulfilled and the only reaction I have had from mums who work full time is envy
If you can afford not to work and DH supports the decision fully then nobody else's opinion matters