I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

I really hate the idea that people should have to work even if they can afford not to and / or their partner supports them etc and they don't want to. It's a strange western constraint - in other parts of the world they think we are absolutely crazy for working the hours and years that we work. (And yes I know there are other places that are the opposite too!)

I think you should resign if your dh supports you in it - do you think he would if he knew how unhappy you are? You need to have a really frank discussion.

I was in a similar boat to you and stopped working 8 years ago. No plans to return, ever. I am completely open to the idea that yes marriages don't always last forever (I am intact a divorcee who lost a lot of equity in my last divorce!) but I want to live in the now. No one knows what's around the corner, I could work miserably for the next 20 years and then get hit by a (metaphorical or otherwise) bus the day I retire - and what a waste of my life working would have been.

I think so much depends on the attitudes and support of your dh though (or dw if this was a man posting, I actually don't see it as a man / woman thing, I think in lots of relationships some people don't mind working when others hate it - my dh actually enjoys work!)

In fact- not intact, although still intact after my divorce too!

It's about self-worth and being a contributing member of society

Oh please. Coffee and gym? Some of us are not so fragile as to need work to justify our worth.

Giving up my career has been a life changer for me. I have loved being able to provide a calm, organised happy home for my children, the time allowed me to explore volunteer work and become self employed.
I still have loads of free time, 15 hours is plenty work time in my life

"Self worth and a contributing member of society" sounds like it's been copied and pasted from a Daily Mail article. You don't need to work to have those things.

With respect, op, you have a part time job and kids. There are many, many people out there working much harder, because they have to. You are not that stretched, you just fancy an easier life, and plainly you don't feel you don't have to worry about future possibilities (divorce, loss of dh working capacity) that might cause you to wish you'd shown a bit more gumption.
Non problem.

Working is about much more than money. It's about self-worth and being a contributing member of society as a tax payer
What greater contribution is there than producing nurturing and bringing up the next generation!

fairylea- great post.

My OH is very grateful that I work only 15 hours a week, I do all the laundry, most of the housework, our home is calm and unfrazzled.
We live in a nice 5 bedroomed semi in a leafy suburb, mortgage almost paid off, savings in the bank.
I wouldn't earn more money by working full time, I need my head space to do the work I do.
Suits us fine.

Do you feel like that when you're actually at work?
I love my job but get a bit like that when on holiday, the lack of having to be anywhere at any time and the chance to be lazy. Doesn't actually mean I want to quit work though sometimes feels like it.
Could both you and dh drop a day each?

Umm, actually your hours seem to add up to a lot more than a 60% job! And you do the Homefront.

Could you drop two work days altogether?

Cailleach666 I don't understand why you keep bringing up your situation as you work part-time? As does the OP.

OP wants to stop working period and become a SAHM when her kids are teenagers. That's a different situation surely.

I would rather rearrange the flexible job and ask DH to step up. Also the main stress is around driving teens to sports? I wouldn't give work up for that. My parents both worked very demanding jobs and I made it to sports, they asked other families to help out. And when my father had a job loss we were so grateful my mother had a career let me tell you.

Your H's failure to prshare parenting and domestic work is a key issue here. No wonder you're knackered!

What is your pension like? What will the effect be of stopping work?

DC will leave home in a few years: would you want to WoH again then?

Yet previously feminists campaigned for women to have to have the vote, to be able to work etc etc.

To have the choice to vote, to be able to work. Not for people to force them into it on a "well, this is what you wanted" basis

OP, you say that is 60% but I add that up to be 31 hours a week. That's not that far off full time. Can you not cut down your hours a bit more as a compromise?

Your set up sounds better than most people's but I think you should read Tom Hodgkinson's book. It really gave me permission to admit to others and to myself that I value my free time. (I'm could use more money but not enough to hand over my life). We sometimes tell people we feel guilty about things in order that they judge less. Like if we say 'yes yes yes I'm feeling so guilty' then they won't judge us because we're doing the job for them.

I could work miserably for the next 20 years and then get hit by a (metaphorical or otherwise) bus the day I retire - and what a waste of my life working would have been

Fairylea, if the only choices were working miserably or SAHP with a supportive partner then I would entirely agree with you! But many people love their jobs - me, for one! - and from what she's written I think OP does too. Or, rather, would if she wasn't carrying all of the family burden alone.

If one parent giving up work is the right answer for that parent, the working parent and the family as a whole, then I say go for it.

I just hate that so many women seem to be corralled into being the one who gives up work or stops developing her career (with the corresponding increase in insecurity if things go wrong) because the men simply won't do his fair share.

But isn't this just the usual story of the wife being expected to do all the grunt work? And of course, the DH wouldn't mind if she gave up outside work, which gives her an independent income, but woe betide she dropped any of the home stuff, which meant he would have to do more. Happily for him, he has the big important job so doesn't have to worry about his children's after school activities. Yup, there is a feminist message in this thread and it is not about 'choice'.

TheLuminaries

I've had it with trying to be a faux man in a fucked system. I really don't want to fight the fight.

I have worked out a way of having a great life- I jacked in my job 20 years ago and I am having a ball.

@ChaChaChaCh4nges YES YES YES! I used to have the exact same discussion with exh. Used to drive me bonkers because he would claim he 'couldnt' attend/take time off/be flexible and yet it was expected that I would (also worked when kids were small)

It's sexist bullshit and a lazy excuse for not prioritising your family!

Cailleach666 - and that's great for you; it's lovely to read that you're so happy.

I'd hate it. Horses for courses.

If all it came down to was personal choice then life would be wonderful. Sadly, it doesn't come down to personal choice for too many women - it comes down to give up work or break down.

It's not a bad thing to ask the OP whether she wants to give up work because she wants to, or because her DH isn't pulling his weight.

I do wonder what some of you would say if your husbands decided to jack it all in because they don't enjoy work and wanted to go to the gym and drink coffee while the kids were at school? Somehow I expect it wouldn't be the same "good for you" message that's being peddled here...

I'd hate it.

You would hate not having an employer?
It is possible to be industrious and have a fruitful life without a "proper" job.

I would never imagined the type of life I am living now if I had stayed in the rat race.

wanted to go to the gym and drink coffee while the kids were at school?

How narrow, judgemental and sexist.

So, your 60%? - you are working 2 x 9 hour days. And 3 x 5 hour days. 33 hours. Plus 2 kids doing district level, in different locations, with husband away doing long hours.

Come on. This is ridiculous.

I am referring to what the OP said...

How narrow, judgemental and sexist.

It's in the OP...

She said "I want to go to the gym when it's empty, go for coffee, go shopping..."
I was referring to that.