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AIBU?

I dont want to work

565 replies

LadyOfPleisure · 24/07/2017 00:58

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

OP posts:
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ImAFurchester · 24/07/2017 09:15

Not RTFT but this: Feminism means being able to do whatever the hell you want to do because that's what YOU want to do.

is not what feminism means.

The concept of "choice" in a society which is still hugely patriarchal is much, MUCH more complicated than that.

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TheNightmanCometh · 24/07/2017 09:18

OP is working around 30 hours a week and doing most of the home front. If anyone can find a thread with everyone piling on calling cocklodger when a bloke is doing that, I'd love to read it.

TBH OP it sounds like the whole setup isn't suiting you. Not just/necessarily the job. I'm not surprised you're knackered.

I hate my job for various reasons including the ridiculous commute which adds another 4 hours on to my day. But I'd hate myself more if I gave it up.

Wow. Why?

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HollyHollyHo · 24/07/2017 09:22

Have not RTFT but unless you have an ongoing independent income you leave yourself in a very precarious position being a long term SAHM.

Your DH could (and they do) up and leave whenever he chooses. And take it from someone who knows, you'll be on the bare bones of your arse surviving on benefits and maintenance. Not to mention you'll have to work and do 100% of the the "wife work".

In the nicest possibly way, suck it up princess. There are plenty of single mothers with more than two kids working full time and with all the house/child shit to deal with.

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Skarossinkplunger · 24/07/2017 09:24

For all the reasons I listed TheNighmanCometh

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MsHarry · 24/07/2017 09:34

To me it sounds like you are having a panic. it's a big adjustment, changes life as you know it. It's a natural reaction. I din't think you can be sure what you want until you have tried it. It might be absolutely brilliant, all that new stimulation etc. Worse to regret not having tried imo. Put it down to nerves, give it a few months, if you love the job but hate having to leave DC to own devices at times then you and DH need to rejig the childcare. Try it , you might like it. Good luck.

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Mumoftwoyoungkids · 24/07/2017 09:35

I think it would be a shame to give up your career- as you say - you have worked very hard to get it. In 10 years your kids will presumably be at university / left home / married / independent and life will be easier for you.

But that doesn't mean it is sensible for you to keep going pushing and pushing until you collapse!

Do you need to juggle all the balls you have going at the moment?

  1. Work - can you reduce your hours a bit?
  2. Air b-n-b - presumably with you working you don't need the income anymore so it is just about the new horizons part - can you cut the amount you do down a lot so that you just have two or three a year. I suspect that some of the guests are not "expanding horizons" and more just extra drudge work - so limit it and really enjoy them when they come. Can you find other (less labour intensive) ways of expanding your horizons instead? Travel maybe as it sounds like money is not overly tight. Be the guest rather than the hostess?


3 Study - do you need it? Do you love it? If not - don't do it.

  1. Drudge work - can you outsource it? Cleaner? Gardener?
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Cocklodger · 24/07/2017 09:40

I don't want to work, so I don't.
It's no ones business and I support myself.
It's not unfeminist.
In fact I can't think of anything less feminine than being forced into things I do not want to do because I happen to be female so therefore I should 'cos feminism.
Hell fucking no.
Just because you can work doesn't mean you should.
If you don't want to work, or want to only do volunteering/charity work to keep up skills and spend the rest of your time as me time then that keeps the perfect balance imo.
Just ensure you have adequate pension provision or similar if not a "pension". You need something.
Good luck OP.

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Cailleach666 · 24/07/2017 09:43

"Keeping a foot in employment"

Overrated.

To be a drone in the rat race?

No thanks.

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GetAHaircutCarl · 24/07/2017 09:51

OP are you sure your DH can't pull his weight at home?

Because I hear this all the time and yet I know successful men and women who do pull their weight.

My DH appears able to have a very successful career without me having to do all the parenting/domestic duties. I'm sure he's not that special.

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Wallahibillahitallahi · 24/07/2017 09:51

I'm glad you said that too furchester

I'm not saying it's 'unfeminist' to not work. Just countering the insane and damaging idea that every decision a woman makes is an act of feminism, because she is a woman making a choice. That ISNT what feminism is. Feminism is working to protect women as a class of people and to ensure equality for women as a class of people.

A middle-class woman deciding whether she really wants to go to work or stay at home, is neither here nor there

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HollyHollyHo · 24/07/2017 09:54

A drone in the rat race Grin

Only people with money get to be that arrogant

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newbian · 24/07/2017 09:54

Cailleach666 you seem to have had a terrible time in employment. I can think of many jobs that aren't part of a "rat race."

Like I said - in my family three women have been responsible for financially providing for their children - in 2 cases husband's job loss and in 1 case divorce. I would never rely on a man to provide for me and my children if I had the ability to do it alongside. Never. There are no promises in this life.

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annielouise · 24/07/2017 09:54

Cocklodger - you don't seem to quite get feminism. You say you support yourself so you choose not to work. That's fine. Your decision not to work does not involve a man subsidising or supporting or facilitating it. You've made a choice independent of a man's involvement in anyway, shape or form. Whether that needs to be called feminism, I don't know. i don't think so. It's just one individual making an independent decision about themselves.

What annoys me is all the bleating oh, that's what feminism is - making a choice to work or not, it's up to you. Well, when you still need a man to finance those choices (for whatever reason - he might be perfectly happy with you at home as it makes his life easier) that's not feminism. Men don't get that choice so how is that equality?

IamFurchester hit the nail on the head. In the OP's case she's dependent on her husband financially supporting the family and her "choices" so it's not feminism when you're dependent on the man for that choice. I'm not arguing the pros and cons of mothers working here. I'm just sick of the view that all women can have this choice and it's because of feminism we can. It's nothing to do with feminism and to say it is denigrates the fight for equality that was done by previous generations on our behalf. They didn't fight for this generation of women to opt out and try and make that a legitimate choice. I'm not talking about mutually agreed time off for kids to do what suits your family best.

Independent of all that I don't think it's a good feminist choice to depend on a man financially to that extent.

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TheNightmanCometh · 24/07/2017 09:55

Yes I saw your reasons skaross I just wondered if you could expand on them. I can see that you feel you're making a contribution, though with a job you hate and 4 hours a day commuting, I'd be worried for the impact on your health and the potential costs to the NHS there (and to you too!). But is the job you hate and that commute your only way of earning? It seems a great shame to be so unhappy.

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annielouise · 24/07/2017 09:57

And don't work if you don't want to. If your family set up can support one in work and the other not, do it if you're both happy with it and getting from it what you both want. Just don't try and kid yourself and others that that choice is anything to do with feminism.

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Cailleach666 · 24/07/2017 09:57

you seem to have had a terrible time in employment.


Not at all. I loved my job. It was well paid, exciting, took up most of my energies. And wholly incompatable with being a parent.

Which is why I jacked it in 20 years ago.
I have never looked back.

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Meripenopause · 24/07/2017 09:58

Well if you are:

  • working in paid employment (a 'decent' job)
  • doing virtually all the child care
  • running the home
  • doing what it takes to set your husband free to work long hours
  • running airbnb.


Then something's got to give.
Should that be your job? I would think very hard about that.
Why not give the job a shot (a 'proper' shot) for a few months? By that I mean find ways of easing the strain in other areas.
The reassess your position. You may find that you can call the shots a bit more at work - flexible hours or some working from home so that you can give your kids the attention that your husband can't (or won't).
Or you may still want to quit.
But I'm worried that you are making a long term problem out of a short term hurdle.
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GetAHaircutCarl · 24/07/2017 09:58

Presumably it's fine and dandy for a man to be a drone?

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Cailleach666 · 24/07/2017 10:05

Presumably it's fine and dandy for a man to be a drone?

THat's their choice.

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Loopytiles · 24/07/2017 10:08

I get frustrated when women say they "don't need" to work because current relationship and financial circumstances are OK. When these choices are made it's important to consider money and potential scenarios beyond the short term.

Many marriages end in divorce. People get ill. Being out of paid work for a long period can affect earnings and pensions well into the future.

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Loopytiles · 24/07/2017 10:10

It is a huge feminist issue that women - especially mothers - are underrepresented in many occupations and at senior levels, whereas fathers get to have both (better) paid WoH and a family.

And that so very few men SAH or work PT.

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GetAHaircutCarl · 24/07/2017 10:12

Well I say that because it's true.

I'm financially secure whatever happens due to investments, savings, property etc.

But I still work because I want to. My work is really creative and exciting. In a small but meaningful way I make some other people's lives better.

And I can do that and enjoy my family life because DH is willing to be an equal partner.

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Judydreamsofhorses · 24/07/2017 10:13

I don't have chuldren but if I could, I would stop work tomorrow. As it currently stands I am the sole earner as my partner was made redundant last year, but as soon as he's working again we will look at me reducing my hours if possible. My job is hard and stressful (teaching) and I would be very happy to be a lady of leisure.

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GetAHaircutCarl · 24/07/2017 10:14

And yeah I do think it's important that my DC see both parents taking on paid work and domestic responsibilities. I want them to see that as doable.

And yeah, I also want to be one one of the very few working class women doing what I do and putting that voice out there.

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lifeinthecountry · 24/07/2017 10:20

If you were divorced, he'd have to step up.

No he wouldn't, unfortunately, a hell of a lot of men don't.

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