I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

If you don't need to work and don't want to then don't! There's nothing wrong with doing what makes you happy if you are able to! I wish I was in this position and would give up work in a heartbeat if I could

I would give up work

I would however try and make life easier for yourself.

Since you don't need you income I am assuming you have cash with which to buy in additional help, which puts you in a fantastic place.

Cleaner if you don't have one.
Au pair who can do dinner and the sports runs??
Put the younger child Ina taxi to sport one or two nights a week if you don't fancy an au pair.
Buy some more ready meal style food for dinner ('naice' ones).

I don't really agree with this whole "feminism is about choice" thing when it comes to this. If either parent wants to stay at home then it has to be a mutual family decision, regardless whether they van afford it or not, your DH has to be happy with it too. It's not just about "oh I don't want to work."

Saying that, if he is not pulling his weight at home then he either has to step up or employ extra help for you. If he is happy for you to leave work then do it but I'd think about what that means for your future employment options.

Cailleach there aren't always other options. I'm a single mum, if I don't work bills don't get paid. That's the way it goes sometimes.

If you don't need to work and don't want to then don't! There's nothing wrong with doing what makes you happy if you are able to!

Imagine if a man was doing this. Saying he doesn't need to work because his wife earns well and works really hard, so he'll just stay home and play online games all day when his DC are at school.

Wow, this thread reads very true to where I expect to be in a few years time. At the moment, my children are still small and it makes sense for me to stay at home, but I struggle to envisage how I will realistically work. I went back to work when DS1 was tiny but really struggled taking the lion's share of everything.

Chachacha, I totally get your point about making sure you get to al the important thing, and my DH does the same. He also managed to co-ordinate getting home 'on time' for five out of the six Tuesday's that I was doing a course, but I think that most people doing very good jobs cannot get away two or three times a week to take a child to an activity - it does tend to become the responsibility of the other parent. Moreover, if like both my DH and the OPs, they work in foreign offices, it is actually impossible at times. Yes, DH has said that he cannot travel on certain occasions due to important things at home, but at times, it is not really option, and wouldn't be if he were a woman. Both he and his female colleague are missing their children's first day at school in September as they will be in the US at the annual strategic planning meeting, which they cannot avoid and was booked in more than a year ago.

I am not making excuses, and like many men, DH could try harder at times, but he cannot be as flexible as he ideally would be.

MN has very double standards on working, women are encouraged not too as they can't possibly work and parent yet men are expected to do it without question.
Not as simple as that though, is it? In this case especially, woman works and does everything else for large proportions of the time, as dh works away. Been there, done that. It's hard work. And unlike in the case of separated partners, you don't get a childfree evening or weekend here or there. It can seem pretty relentless, and I'm assuming this is, in part, contributing to OP wanting to quit work. Which I can understand! I would guess a lot of lone parents also feel the same at some point.

I don't know many men who would happily give up work, stay home, cook, clean, do the school run and all the running around to activities, play dates, doctors appointments etc. that's part of being a SAHP.

SonicBoomBoom, I would be saying the same thing it was a man in this position. Why does gender have to come into it?

I never really understand it when people say things like 'I can't work as I'm so busy sorting out the home/organising the DC's after school activities/cooking etc'

I'm a single parent and I work full time. My DC still go to after school activities and I still manage to do the housework (badly).

I'm not anti SAHM by a long shot, and I was one when my DC were small. But I don't think after school clubs and housework are a reason for not being able to work! But if you don't want to then don't, you don't need to justify it.

Totally agree, Fairylea! My husband will get time be a sahd and then work part time because I facilitate it. But then, he facilitated me taking two lots of maternity leave and working 4 days when I went back to work after dd1. But then again, I facilitated him being able to retrain as a teacher when his last job ducked the life out of him. On the other hand, he splits parental and household duties 50-50 or even 60-40 to ensure I have the time to progress in my career. Because being married is about team work. It actually doesn't matter how you split the jobs (by which I mean earning money, childcare, cleaning, running the home etc) as long as both parties are happy with the arrangement. The op isn't 'relying on a man', she's splitting responsibility with her husband.

Work is by far the most over rated aspect of modern life.

I am in a similar situation as you except my children have now grown up and left home and I am single.

I worked part time when my children were little and then fulltime for 15 years before semi-retiring at 45 and going back to part time work. I work 3 days per week and am always bored.......on the 3 days I work and never on the 4 days I do not.

I cannot wait until I stop working altogether there simply are not enough hours in the day to read the books, watch the films, visit places, make things, grow things, meet people and generally make the absolute most of this amazing and fantastic world we live in.

The sole reason I work is for the money to be able to afford to do the things I want to - I receive no personal satisfaction or sense of self esteem or worth from it - far from it...I actually feel like it is eating away my very limited lifespan on this planet. I am just extremely lucky that as a single person I can afford to live on part time money.

I find this desire to work baffling - the need to work I understand but why anyone would choose to spend the only life they have working is simply beyond me - and if I am honest saddens me as well.

Basecamp21 I totally agree.

It's about self-worth and being a contributing member of society as a tax payer.

Ha ha ha. Everyone that buys anything in our 'society' is a tax payer. The person that takes over the OP's job, will be paying the same tax. This really is a ridiculous argument. What we should worry about Tax wise is the huge amount of multinational companies who do not pay tax on money earnt here, not one person who doesn't want to work but wants to spend time with their children.

OP - I don't have to work. I want to. But if I don't enjoy it, I walk. I find it helps my self worth no end. Working when you don't have to and don't want to, and running yourself into the ground, is really not worth it.

And you also need to be having a frank talk with dH about pulling his weight.

Lots of the wcenior men at work (despite nearly all having SAHwives) so things like block of Tuesday and Thursday evenings because they pick their child up from gym club or whatever.

OP other people's lives are irrelevant. We all live differently and prioritise different things. Stop beating yourself over the head with what you should be doing or what you ought to be doing or what the feminist inside you is saying. If you have a choice, and you clearly do, then do what you feel is best . You don't need to justify how you live to anyone else if your dh is also happy with your decision. Life's too short.

Look to the future. Life is tough with a husband working away and little ones to care for but it doesn't last long ( even if it seems like it at the time). Your children will soon need you less and you will be sat twiddling your thumbs. Much easier to get a more interesting and better paid job from being in work than from being a SAHM. Work is a core identity and people make all sorts of judgements about you based on whether you work or not and what you do. It's much easier to be seen as interesting if you work.
It also gives your children a good role model in terms of work ethic and equality.

When did feminism become about choice exactly?

When did feminism become about a woman doing what other women want her to do rather than what men want her to do?

To be fair, a lot of people can't afford to have both parents work full-time with little kids. Childcare costs are extortionate and often cost more than one persons income!

Now, I know someone will trot out "childcare costs should be split!" but it's irrelevant who pays when you have joint finances and you're still going to be spending x amount per year on childcare regardless of whose bank account it comes out of.

And I agree with other posters... this is not a feminist choice. You've been manovoured into a position by a man refusing to be 'able' to contribute home whereby you want to give up your interesting and fulfilling and well paid job, to sit at home and take care of all the pesky woman jobs like cleaning, childcare and keeping yourself looking pretty for him (gym).

Loaded dice.

Have you paid off the mortgage? Do you have a large amount of savings? Do you have a good pension?
Can you cover children's uni fees?
If you can answer yes to all of them then you probably don't need to work.
Until I have enough saved to buy my kid a small house, I will continue to work.
Kids are only small for a short time and I have seen too many women in their late 40s pottering around with a job that doesn't tax them. Don't do it. Just reduce hours if possible.

Work is only a major part of your identity if you want it to be! For lots of people, their job is just a job - they only do it to pay the bills and don't much care about getting promoted or what other people think about it.

I work in retail. I have no desire to get promoted from my current position - people think that's odd as I have no kids and a degree, but I don't feel a pressing need to work stupid hours and to have even longer days in the shop.

I earn enough to support myself. I don't claim benefits, I have savings and we have a mortgage. I pay into a pension and I have no debts. I have no desire to work longer hours just because it makes me a committed tax paying citizen or some other such bollocks!

Maybe your husbands would like to stay home too. Who gets the choice out of the two of you? It usually never enters a man's head to stay home, unless it's a joint decision as the woman is the higher earner. And at some point he goes back to work. Don't say this is feminism as it's not. It's opportunity facilitated by a man
When we had our first child my DH said he wanted to be theSAH person. We have since had 4 more DC. I have worked full time the whole time. In a senior position.
He admits now that he made that choice partly because he thought it would be easy and he knows now that he was very wrong! ( his words). A SAH dad is not the same as a SAHM. We have a cleaner and he teaches the DC to do more stuff for themselves. I still cook and share parents evenings etc. Men have been Suiting themselves for a long, long time not joining in family life and asuming that home making is easy.