I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

We were both in industries with flexible-ish hours and both had understanding bosses with their own children. It was never an issue for one of us to start early or late to fit round school events or sick kids. When eventually I was the boss, I made sure that my staff had the same opportunity.

This is not a poor, crap, minimum wage job thing. It is an issue of poor, crap management or otherwise. The areas in which it is actually necessary to be on-call to the extent that one is not able to carry out one's responsibilities towards one's children might include emergency services, company director who carries responsibility for the safety of employees or clients, government official. Other than that, expectation management for clients, good management, good meeting management, reasonableness, and so on go a long way. There are industries that reward the behaviour of employees who abdicate their parenting responsibilities, in terms of career progression for example. However, it is a choice to stay on a conference call. It is unlikely that one would be fired for ending a meeting on time. Allegations of being unprofessional, maybe, yes I can see that. Losing a client, perhaps, yes. Self-employed people may choose to offer round-the-clock service to their clients in order to drive business, or even to make ends meet. I would argue in this case that the making ends meet thing is part of the responsibilities of parenting.

I disagee about the limited industries- I gave an example of my job which even with good management was very child unfriendly.

I do agree about culture and management.

My OH works silly unpredictable hours, and it's cultural.
His success is in part that he doesn't have to be tied to parenting hours, many who try are usually the ones first out of the door. And it's not just his present company- he has worked for several IT companies over the years and they have all had the same ethic, so it's safe to assume that this is very widespread.

But on a personal and family level be being at home works for us. I get a huge amount of freedom , he is supported in his career, we do the best we can within a bad system.

I would quite like to be a sahm but as a single parent society makes that impossible. Another message that raising a family and keeping house is valueless in the eyes of society.

When my first was born (19 years ago) a single parent could be on IS until the youngest was 12 yrs. Now it's 5 and looking like it might soon be younger still.

So instead of rushing from work, to sort kids, to do shopping, keep house and garden all single handedly back then I could have had the choice to stay home, raise the family without additional pressure and focus on getting my novels written and published. Women are having less choices these days not more and often it's other women who accuse those who'd like to be home makers as being lazy and not contributing. As if kids raise themselves.

Aside from the fact I prob do have a tiny bit more money I don't see a lot of benefit to me or my children in having to rush about doing everything. Sad how much things have changed since my first was born in attitudes.

cailleach from what you've said on this thread though it doesn't sound like this is a "bad system" for you at all. Sounds like it fits your preferences as a family perfectly.

Not everyone actually wants flexible hours. Some people attach a lot of importance to being 'needed', either at work or at home. My BIL and SIL are like this.

(Personally, I want the flexible hours )

tumble with all due respect writing is work.

It may be flexible and doable from home ( mostly) but it requires houses and hours of time, if you want to make a career of it.

Fitting it in here and there around the DC might see you through a novel or two, but it won't see you through a writing career.

erinaceus your post fried my brain, so I'm not sure if you were arguing with me or not, but from everything I have read in this thread it sounds like you can't be high powered and well paid without a massive sacrifice of family time. My point was only that I would rather be poor and live within my (minimal) means, whilst keeping a good balance. It's blatantly obvious that our jobs (not careers by any stretch of the imagination) were not life and death to anyone, but you know what? Someone has to do the shit-work so rich people have somewhere to spend their money 😂

wombling I think you can have a well paid and demanding job and have family time.

But it takes some will power and negotiating. Within the work place and within the home. The extra cash such work brings can be used to outsource domestic duties which makes life easier.

Not always possible of course. But then some very badly paid, low status jobs are not family friendly either - worst of all worlds.

Getahaircut - yes, I know. Writing when you 'want' even if it's a lot of hours is different to having to go out to work with set hours. Before I became a single parent I did have time to put into writing (which I miss). I've got a few novels I've written and had I not become single and have to work full time I would now be polishing them up and hunting for agents. Unfortunately my youngest hit five and I had to work and now I haven't got the time i need to focus and work on them properly. (One of many resentments against exP).
I was working part time back then but that's very different to having no choice but to work full time. Writing would still be my first choice of career but that feels like a choice that I don't have right now as bills need paying and I have nobody to help with the domestic stuff after working.

I guess I'm putting writing in with being sahm because I find it relaxing rather than work even though it takes time and motivation to do.

redphonebox no not at all. have worked around the current system and had a positive approach..

In an ideal world both OH and I would have both worked part time, so one of us was always home to care for kids. I loved my work but so incompatable with being a parent and no possibility of part time without losing career momentum and earning potential,
OH was in a simillar situation.

Two part time salaries don't often add up to one full time salary, however desirable that situation may be.

I don't like the system, I hate men being in charge of the world, but I do want me and my family to find a way that works for us.

Yes I am happy, but that doesn't mean to say I don't think the system is fucked,

Fair enough tumble.

I hope you find time to write in the future.

🙂 thank you.

@WomblingThree I was not arguing with you, no.

I am so sorry about the fried brain, though. I feel bad about that. I do not think that one has to justify one's choices, in general. I do think that being aware of one's choices and how they affect one's self and one's family does matter. I also believe that when one's choices are taken away from one, as happens when a father prioritises his conference call over his children and leaves the mother with no choice but to do the childcare, it is important to be aware who is choosing what at what moment.

I get quite angry about things like zero-hour contracts, and also the benefits system, for this reason. These systems take choices away from people. See also: patriarchy.

when a father prioritises his conference call over his children and leaves the mother with no choice but to do the childcare, it is important to be aware who is choosing what at what moment.

Exactly.

Maybe that father is choosing to prioritise that conference call because he wants to maximum his earning capacity so his wife doesn't have to work, and so his kids can eat decent food.

Oh don't worry erinaceus I wasn't upset, I read your post about five times and decided I'd just ask you . All this is just so far outside my experience that it's like a foreign language sometimes.

As much as it irritates me that mother = default parent, it drives me just as insane that father = default provider. Women expect to be the one to make the choice of whether they work or not. It seems that choice is rarely afforded to men as an automatic thing.

We both wanted children (him more than me), we both earned similar money and we both needed to work, so there was never a question that we would divide everything equally. Don't even get me started on the number of (otherwise intelligent people) who would say "oh isn't he great, babysitting while you work". I'd say "yeah and who the fuck do you think babysits while he works??"

paxman if your self worth is tied up with working what happens if you can no longer work or you loose your job?

you can also be a contributing member of society by doing volunteer work

the OP is in a lucky position - why is most of society still pinning their "self worth" on a job!