I dont want to work

[LadyOfPleisure]

I have moved heaven and earth, done extra studying, to return to work in a fulfilling and interesting career. I should pat myself on the back, and be bloody glad, but I am not. I am earning reasonably well per month, and it is not full time but 60%. In a standard week I will work from around 11.30 three days per week, and from 7.30 two days per week, until 16.30 all days. So two long days, and 3 short days.
I am a well educated woman, with a bachelor and two master degrees. Still studying modules, to add to my qualifications. Being an airbnb hostess because I like to have guests to broaden our horizons, and I like the extra income.

Dh travels a lot with his job, I do the lion share of after school activities and sports. My two dc are different ages, and they do the same sport but at different times, in a different place twice and three times per week. The older one can cycle, or take the bus, the younger one cant. They need to have dinner before they go, as activities are around 6pm, lasting 60-120 minutes. The older play at regional level. This will mean that ds1 (15) will need to sort dinner for the two of them at least once a week.

My dh earns more per week than I do per month. We dont need me working to make ends meet. I took a long career break when the dc were small. I felt it is my turn now, before I get too old. I have retrained, and worked hard, and I am enjoying my first proper summer holiday in years. I dont want it to end. Part of me want to continue just doing what I want! Relax, chill, enjoy my kids. I go back to work first of August, and I just want to .... resign. I want to STILL be there when they get home from school, cook their dinners, get them to their sports, and be there. I know it is silly.

The feminist in me is angry with myself. The lazy gobshite in me wants to raise my glass to egocentricity. I want to go to the gym when it is empty, go for coffee, go shopping....
All my friends work, so it will be lonely...

Dh is happy for me. He says I should absolutely go out there, enjoy adult company, have good colleagues like he has, and not waste my brain at home.

Only, reality is that he wont be around to help with much. He tries, but he has a demanding job. At his level, although his boss is flexible, he is working with both the US office and the UK, and his hours are long when he is home. He cant just cut a conference call to the US and say "sorry chaps, got to take my kid to sports, my wife is knackered".

First world problem, I know. And I am 45. It is now or never. So why am I so sad, and why do I dread going back to work so much, I spent the last 8 years moaning that I am "nothing but a mum and have no life at all"!?

31 hours is nothing in the way of work for most people.

MN has very double standards on working, women are encouraged not too as they can't possibly work and parent yet men are expected to do it without question. If your husband said he had decided he didn't want to work so he could gym and socialise I very very much doubt you would be helping him write his resignation.

Yes, I'd hate not doing my job. Even if I won the lottery I'd keep doing it. I believe that I make a difference by doing it, and to the best of my ability.

I know that seems weird to you - just as your choice not to work seems a bit weird to you! But surely we can respect each orher's positions as different but equally valid?

introverted- apologies

Ignore the cocklodgercomment - what bollocks. I've never seen an example on here of a man not wanting to work... after spending 15 years at home doing everythung for the family and who is still expected to do everything.

Personally I would never work 5 days and do everything at home. I wouldn't give up the job but Dh would have to pick up the slack. I too work multiple time zones frequently- I take calls before going in when it's Asia and come home to take evening ones when it's the us. Your dh could schedule an imaginary senior meeting, use the time to come home and do dinner so they can get to their event, then do a round of evening meetings. I wouldn't give up the job. I heard a woman on the phone locally last week saying' im the envy of all my 50 something friends to have actually found a good job.'

It's the system that's screwed.

And women are supposed to play the part of being a man in a man's world, and we have come to believe that is being feminist.

It's too hard to be a mother, be an enthusiastic employee and do the wifework.

There are other options. I refuse to be part of that male system.

I hate this bullshit view that feminism means you can have the choice of a career or stay home. Since when? Do men get that choice? So how do women get it? You do what's right for the family but 9 times out of 10 it's women that stay home and give up their careers and you say that's fine because we now have a choice? Bullshit. How can you justify this to yourselves? That's to the posters not the OP. How about aiming high and having a career and competing with men and not fucking opting out and saying you can do that because of feminism. This view has been twisted round by women that have never had a career, never been financially independent, are probably too lazy to be so and feel they can justify that by saying feminism gives them that choice.

Feminism is about equality - and you don't hear any men saying, ooh I think I won't bother with a career (or even a job), I'll just stay home, I can have that choice and the wifey won't mind working her fucking socks off for the next 50 years so I can go to the gym when it's quiet and have a coffee out in the afternoon. As someone else said - there'd be shouts of cocklodger.

I presume long days have an hour unpaid lunch so 31 hours so more like 80% of full time

How about aiming high and having a career and competing with men and not fucking opting out and saying you can do that because of feminism.

Aiming high?

No thanks.

Every time I've moved jobs, I've had a wave of nostalgia about staying in the old job with the set up I know during the last few weeks. I really think that's what you're getting now, as the point of starting work approaches. You're starting to see all the good points of staying home, whereas if you were facing it for the next 5 years, it would likely not look so rosy.

You haven't even started this new career that you retrained for yet. Bite the bullet and give it a fair go. And address the issues with the long days and with your
DH not being around, because they sound like the real problem.

Keep the job. Hire a Housekeeper. 12-6 mon to fri. She can do the laundry, cleaning and prep an evening meal.

How on earth can it be a legitimate choice to not work and stay home when it's going to be funded by a man? Your husband. Or the state if single and on benefits. How is that empowering and anything to do with feminism? I'm not saying every woman should get into work here. Stay home if you want, I don't care what other women do. What I'm saying is don't justify it by saying the choice of yours because that's what feminism is about - having that choice. It's not! The choice is nothing to do with feminism. It's all to do with the earnings capacity of - yes, you've guessed it - a man (usually).

Feminism my arse.

Don't aim high then. Depend on your husband to hopefully aim high so that you have some standard of living.

It's a tough one.

I have had 3 years being mainly a SAHM to 3 year old ds. He starts ft school next September. Dd is 13 and I worked when she was little. But childcare for 2 wasn't worth it yada yada yada.

I want to be at home when he is at school. I have spent 3 years doing the admin for our business, sorting the home out, juggling childcare with housework, never actually being 'off'.

The thought of 30 hours a week 38 weeks of the year to do what I want sounds like heaven.

But then I think I am 41 next year. Dp is 10 years older than me so at some point we will be relying on my salary to support us. And I have probably 30 years of working life yet. So I ought to find something I csn do well enough to make a career of.

But 30 hours of time to myself. I don't know what to do either.

Op, you need to remind your inner feminist that feminism is about choice. You have a choice and you do not need to justify it. I had my 2nd, and final, baby 6 months ago. I'm going back to work at the end of the holidays (I'm a teacher). I'm already a middle manager and I'm doing my senior leadership qualification when I return. I want to be an assistant or deputy head in the next couple of years. My dh is taking 3 months off and then most likely returning to work part time to look after the baby. He has been accused of being lazy, we've been told dd2 will call him mummy. Other women have made me feel like shit for wanting to leave my baby and work. Being a sahm isn't for me. I guess you and I are at opposite ends of the spectrum. The thing is, neither of us need to justify what we want. If you can afford to stay home and it's what you want then you should do it. Or at least cut your hours down. You pick up the extra slack at home and that allows your dh to focus on his career. My dh will be doing the same. I'm going to be Head of Yr10, solely responsible for the gcse subject I teach and completing my NPQSL, dh will be running the home, not me. What other people do in your situation has no relevance here. You are unhappy. Change it. Good look to you.

I have to say I agree with Annie. It only ever seems to be women who have this debate about whether they should work or not. Men just do surely, because that's what men do.

When did feminism become about choice exactly?

Maybe your husbands would like to stay home too. Who gets the choice out of the two of you? It usually never enters a man's head to stay home, unless it's a joint decision as the woman is the higher earner. And at some point he goes back to work. Don't say this is feminism as it's not. It's opportunity facilitated by a man.

The discussion about one person being a stay at home person in a relationship doesn't even have to be anything to do with feminism. More and more men are becoming stay at home dads / people.

At its very root I have always believed feminism to be about ensuring women have equal rights and opportunities as men - how can a society ever achieve that when women are so belittling and judgemental towards each other's choices as demonstrated on this thread?

Cailleach the OP said she didn't want to eor because she wanted to drink coffee and go to the gym! Oh, and go shopping.

Exactly Stealth - men just work and don't have the choice. If this is feminism and woman have the choice to work or not, then as feminism is based on equality then men must surely be given that choice too. But they're not on the whole. I don't care if women want to not go back to work and be the person staying home forever - just don't say feminism gives you this choice as it's nothing to do with feminism.

I teach, so I've been playing the role of SAHM for the past 3 weeks and it is a piece of cake compared to work. For example I am currently in pyjamas MNetting whereas otherwise I would just be dropping DS2 at nursery 8 miles away before driving on to work, working all day before collecting DS2 at 6 (or 5:45 if I need to pick up DS1 too) and getting home for 6:30ish before dinner, baths, bed etc. DH is at work from 8-6 too but further away so gets back after 7. To make up he does all night wakenings while I get up with DS2 from 5 (he gets up at 4).

Compare that to just now...Am going to make a picnic up soon to take the boys to an adventure park. We'll probably go fruit picking if DS2 doesn't nap on the way back. By 6 tea will be made and house will be clean (all at a leisurely pace)...

Now that's not the case for everybody, but I know what I'd prefer... However I love my job and I miss adult company. Different strokes for different folks, but I think it is a bit double standards on here for women to be allowed to refuse to work, whereas if men do the same they are referred to as cocklodgers etc.

annielouise- what massive assumptions you make. You think I am a "kept" woman?

I work 15 hours a week. I earn £60K. I earn more than my OH.

Getting out of the rat race has worked for me.

I get you. I work 4 days, get up at 6.30am, although am home by 5. I earn shit money but it's still money that contributes to the household. When I wasn't working I was bored shitless and probably veering to becoming depressed (looking back). no-one just wants to do gym, etc and you say all your friends work. Can you adjust your hours at all so you're around in the evenings?

Oh for god's sake Cailleach - I was talking generally. Bloody hell, your case is slightly different. I'm talking on the whole. You don't have to be a genius to realise that, surely. Most women won't be in your boat.

I would love it if I had a high paid job, enjoyed it and had a full time stay at home partner who did the running around to clubs, cleaning, cooking and household maintenance.
How often have I longed for a 'wife'.
Btw 30 hours and over is counted as full time.