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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
ginnystonic · 23/07/2017 09:01

That's just so shitty and selfish of him and so hurtful. The worst part is him still thinking he hasn't done anything wrong.

supersop60 · 23/07/2017 09:11

He's behaved like an idiot. Why didn't he just say to you " I'd like a lads weekend away - is that ok with you?"
And why didn't he say to his friend "Oh, I thought it was going to be just the lads - can I take a raincheck and come up some other time?"

hollyisalovelyname · 23/07/2017 09:12

Is there any possibility that his friend isn't there, it's just your dp and his friend's girlfriend.
( or have. I been reading too many Daily Mail stories and threads on Mumsnet that I have become overly suspicious ?)

MineKraftCheese · 23/07/2017 09:14

This would be a really serious issue in my marriage. He has not been honest with you. That would cut me like a knife.

And he is not taking responsibility or apologising properly. Almost gas lighting you. I still think something else must be up.

ClopySow · 23/07/2017 09:17

The latter, holly

PastaOfMuppets · 23/07/2017 09:23

Oh OP, I feel so angry for you. FWIW even if your DH has shown himself to be a dick, you've got yourself a whole lot of fans here on MN. And your friend sounds pretty ace too.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/07/2017 09:34

Is there any possibility that his friend isn't there, it's just your dp and his friend's girlfriend.

If that were the case it would have been monumentally stupid of the girlfriend to text OP, wouldn't it?

Yes, you're reading too much shit on the internet.

NotYoda · 23/07/2017 09:40

There are so many ways he could have handled this. The nub of it is that his desire to be away from you over-rode everything

I would be distraught, actually, in your shoes, that my DH could lie to me like that

He needs to act like an adult now and talk to you (and listen to you!)

OVienna · 23/07/2017 09:41

This is one of the most puzzling things I've read on MN. I was with another poster above who suggested he may have had something he wanted to discuss with his mate privately. But then it sounds like they were expecting you all along and he lied to them why you weren't there. Too bizarre for words. It's anyone's guess what is going on.

I think what i would do though is when you know he's set off for home, ring the girlfriend (if you think his mate won't talk) and try to get a better 'debrief'. He's lied to all of you. Is he dropping the girlfriend home?

NotYoda · 23/07/2017 09:43

When we were younger my DH couldn't admit when he was wrong, and would tell small lies (I'll be home in 20 minutes...) to avoid me feeling upset with him. It's pathetic and I'm glad he bloody well stopped doing it

RandomMess · 23/07/2017 09:44

Perhaps the affair is with someone else? Perhaps he doesn't want to spend the weekend playing happy couples... It is bizarre behaviour on his behalf Confused

NotYoda · 23/07/2017 09:44

Ovienna

Yes, he's put their mutual friends in a really awkward position too

NotYoda · 23/07/2017 09:45

.... that would really hurt me too. Making someone into "some kind of unknowing fool"

Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 09:47

Morning! They are all definitely there.

Male friend rang a little while ago to say he'd chatted to him in an, 'if I'd done that to GF I'd be looking at finding myself single right now - what's going on mate' kind of way...

Apparently DH was open about how he just needed some time away (it is to do with work and the pressure of our renovations and the fact my summer is going to be taken up with the job I've taken on) but didn't want me to feel excluded when he found out GF was coming and thought it would be better for me to not know. He had intended to say that GF had turned up last minute so if she hasn't messaged me I don't know if I'd have ever known. Wasn't about wanting a lads weekend at all.

I am a combination of distraught that he has, for what I'm confident is the first time in nearly a decade, knowingly lied to me and devastated that I didn't know / he hasn't spoken to me about just how miserable he is at work.

Friend said he seemed really genuine and really sorry because actually he realised half way on their hike that he wished I was there with him.

I don't know if he'll be in touch before he gets home. I'm not going to go away because I feel a bit drained and despite everything have missed him!

I'm quietly fuming still, thinking of how to be as non-confrontational as possible whilst making it clear that what he has done and why he did it are actually two separate issues we need to talk about.

Thank you for all your support. You have all helped so much.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 23/07/2017 09:48

You are amazing ANY1

I hope this is something that can strengthen your relationship

NotYoda · 23/07/2017 09:49

.... I mean sorting it out

hollyisalovelyname · 23/07/2017 09:50

Frillyhorsey
My point exactly- the OP would never think to doubt them.
Stranger things have been done ( and written about on Mumsnet ), sadly.

ginnystonic · 23/07/2017 09:53

I think the saddest thing is, you've been busy with renovations, are about to start a busy period at work etc. And had a child free weekend...perfect timing for some time to relax as a couple doing what you love, in a place you really want to visit.

But he chose to do this, lie to you and exclude you. I'd be very hurt that I wasn't my DH choice if someone to spend time with.

I think you need to examine your relationship and ask yourselves why and what is wrong. And I hope he truly 'gets' what he's done wrong because if he doesn't...you're fucked.

Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 09:55

Thanks NotYoda! I definitely don't feel in LTB territory.

Just wish he'd been honest with me - he's never not told me if he needs a bit of time to himself before.

I have a feeling he just wants to hand in his notice and has probably been stewing that I won't be happy with that (it was brought up about a year ago but I had just done the budget and knew that we couldn't afford it at the time). But Actually, with my emergency savings and with what I'm going to earn over the next two months there will be enough to cover bills and mortgage for the next five months at least so if he wants to find a new job, even if it means taking a pay cut, I would be supportive if it's his happiness at stake.

OP posts:
SpottedGingham · 23/07/2017 09:57

Well he's had all night to come up with that story, hasn't he.

Guccibelt · 23/07/2017 09:59

Well you are being very kind about it. If he doesn't want you to take a job on in the summer, all the more reason for spending a child free weekend together.

AlternativeTentacle · 23/07/2017 09:59

Apparently DH was open about how he just needed some time away...but didn't want me to feel excluded

So he needed time away but from the renovations but is more than happy for you to carry on doing said renovations - he needs time away because you have a job you have taken on and doesn't want you to feel excluded when he is the one excluding you?

I mean - fucking hell! I'd flip my lid if my OH did this. He would get his time out on a permanent basis.

Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 10:01

Well yes - he's not getter my off lightly. And having never knowingly been lied to by him before I have no point of reference for how good a liar he can be. But I'm taking it at face value. I don't even know if he'll be open with me still (friend rang me on the quiet) so that will also inform how I respond when he rings or gets home. If I get another different story I think there'll be some very horrific conversations.

OP posts:
Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 10:01

Getting off - not whatever nonsense my phone autocorrected to!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 23/07/2017 10:02

You're being far too tolerant, op. So what if he was "stewing about changing jobs"? He's behaved abominably by refusing to answer his phone; leaving his mate to relay messages back to you... Hmm