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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 23/07/2017 10:02

I can't believe he doesn't think he's done anything wrong?!

How did the couple go out for dinner without him but not explain why?!

Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 10:04

They hadn't seen each other for three weeks. They just said they didn't fancy cooking and wanted some couple time.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 23/07/2017 10:04

I think you need to be careful that this doesn´t end up being about how you can make him feel better about himself, taking away from the shitty thing he has done. You do need to have a serious chat and maybe he does need help, but he also needs to recognize what he has done is not acceptable and that he has behaved in a very hurtful manner towards you. Don´t let that get swept under the carpet.

GrumpyOldBag · 23/07/2017 10:05

Men can be so silly sometimes.

Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 10:06

Absolutely Sonja. That's why I've said this is two issues to deal with. And I know which one I want to talk about first!

OP posts:
Bearsinmotion · 23/07/2017 10:08

The big thing is the lie, isn't it OP? I am very introvert and need time to myself, but I can't see myself lying to DP about it. And it sounds like you would have understood too. Hope you can work it out Flowers

LindyHemming · 23/07/2017 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OVienna · 23/07/2017 10:13

Interesting the friend rang you, rather than insisting he do it. And you still haven't heard from him. I dont mean to be goady but i think you still need to consider a range of scenarios. Does their friendship predate yours? Are they all for example uni friends? I think the male friend's loyalty may be to your DH.

OVienna · 23/07/2017 10:16

It feels like the friend's intention was to manage you. Id ring the girlfriend in the week, if she is a more neutral party.

Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 10:17

Only slightly. And generally speaking I'm closer to them now and in more regular contact with them than DH. Either ringing me really isn't that odd.
In terms of loyalty they're the kind of people that will support the person who needs it, if that makes sense? So if I'd done this they would have behaved the same just the other way around. They don't really have much tolerance for a lot of nonsense.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 23/07/2017 10:23

I think he is full of shit and playing on your kindness and obvious vulnerability. He could just have rung and explained not passed the buck like a sulky five year old.

Let's face it neither of you have had a good weekend.

Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 10:27

I know! He has manufactured this entire debacle all by himself without any reason for it.

I'm not vulnerable, at least I don't feel it. I know I've probably come across as being way too tolerant but it's just because I don't have space in my life for unnecessary arguments. I can completely recognise that this one is necessary. And if he has done something shitty that breaks our relationship I feel like that's his burden to carry. I've got DD and myself to look out for.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 23/07/2017 10:36

In every relationship I think there is someone who is more mature, more emotionally insightful. I think that is you, OP.

I agree with sonjadog that you resist the temptation to explain this to him and yourself, and make him feel better. He' has dumped this on you.

But I think that if you think that there's a way through this then it's worth a good go.

NotYoda · 23/07/2017 10:37

.... I also wonder whether male friend loyalty is ever really and truly to the woman in this situation

Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 10:41

When he found out another friend was having an affair (friend confided in him) he went straight round to see the wife, with enough meals for her to last the week and gently explained what he knew. No ulterior motive, just a genuine gesture from someone who was heartbroken for his friend. I sincerely doubt I would be treated any differently. It makes it even more unbelievable and confusing that my DH thought he would get away with this.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 23/07/2017 10:43

We all do stupid things in our lives, and we can all get caught up in our own world for whatever reason.

This wouldn't excuse it per se, but is probably the reason for it. If he's miserable at work and thinks he's locked into it because you'd done the budget and you'd said no (albeit a year ago), then you're the one to get away from and stew over it.

Maybe, as part of this discussion process, you need to look at / consider the balance of power and control in the relationship.

Cuppaoftea · 23/07/2017 10:54

Your friend thinks your DH is genuinely sorry but are they aware he had the audacity to criticise them for 'excluding him' and going out for a meal as a couple on what was meant to be a couples holiday which he alone purposefully excluded you, his Wife from? I bet they aren't aware and suspect this would be the last invite your DH received from them for a long time if they were.

I've got DD and myself to look out for.

Exactly so please don't suggest using your emergency savings to cover the mortgage and bills in order to enable him jacking in his job.

And put a paintbrush in his hand when he gets in, he can be doing his share of this weekend's renovations while you discuss things.

PearlyPinkNails · 23/07/2017 10:55

Urgh I couldn't have sex again with someone who'd told me he didn't want me there and deliberately lied.

What an absolute cunt.

Guccibelt · 23/07/2017 11:01

Why is the friend ringing you and not him?

Original poster
AVY1 · 23/07/2017 11:04

I have no idea. I know he's awake! not even a text to say good morning. He's not checked in with his parents to ask how DD is either, which is seriously out of character.

I'm going to fret all day. Don't think he's coming back until this evening. I've decided to down tools and go shopping instead.

OP posts:
paxillin · 23/07/2017 11:16

He's probably embarrassed, doesn't know if his parents know about his juvenile stunt and also disappointed how the evening panned out. He didn't drive all this way to be alone and now feels a total muppet. He knows he's upset you and didn't even get his reward, an evening with his mate.

NotYoda · 23/07/2017 11:21

I know this is never very popular on MN, but it is possible that he's having a mental health crisis. If this is out of character.

I know I'm flip-flopping about a bit here, but I have been married for over 20 years and I know that men can find it hard to admit to not coping

And before anyone jumps on men, I know that this is not 'an excuse' (if true) but it could be an explanation

Extua · 23/07/2017 11:22

I think your handling this brilliantly. People do stupid shit sometimes. If everyone split up the moment someone made a dick move there would be even more divorce imo. Obviously it's not even nearly over yet and there is lots of talking to be done but bravo on being so mature. I really hope things go ok for you when he gets home. Flowers

Extua · 23/07/2017 11:22

You're* (because it drives me crazy)

innagazing · 23/07/2017 11:23

So, you've got a really busy summer coming up workwise, have childcare sorted for the weekend, have expressed a wish to visit that part of the country, and he doesn't stop to think for a nano second that it might be a great opportunity for you both to spend some time together and with your friends? not to mention no birthday present last year- who does that to a partner?
Is it possible that his behaviour is regularly so self serving, selfish and entitled, but you haven't noticed it before because you're so easy going?
Fuck that for a game of soldiers- I'd be so very very hurt by the fact that he actively sought not to spend a bit of quality time with me, never mind the lies that I'd be seriously re evaluating the relationship if this happened to me.

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