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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
Original poster
AVY1 · 22/07/2017 23:22

He's been with them the whole time. Apart from this impromptu meal they've gone for which he couldn't have planned for. I'm really not worried about an affair.

Personally I think he was excited to see male friend. We are a little isolated from lots of our friends where we live. He hasn't seen him since May etc, doesn't often get the urge for a boys weekend and obviously decided to be petulant once he realised he wasn't going to get his own way and has treated me appallingly but at this moment in time is still only really focussed on his own disappointment.

OP posts:
MudCity · 22/07/2017 23:23

Oh OP, my DH would LOVE to go and climb a mountain with a mate and have some 'lads' time....he suggested it once and I said that if there was money to be spent on going away to a national park we both love, we should be doing it as a couple (probably selfish of me in many ways but we don't get to go away that often so it's a big deal). I think most men would love a lads' weekend away like that though so your DH isn't alone there....where it went wrong is that he wasn't open with you about it all.

I would be very upset if my DH did this. Not being invited is massively hurtful. I really think he still hoped he would have quality time with his mate, without GF being there, and that hasn't happened.

Book a girls' weekend away for you. Somewhere you have always wanted to go.

And, by the way, you are amazing Flowers

Stardustandicecream · 22/07/2017 23:33

I can understand your reasons for time alone but he doesn't seem to have any - he just does it

justilou · 22/07/2017 23:38

Sounds to me like he wanted the DIY done AND wanted to go to the Nat. park. He knew you'd get it done if he wasn't there. I'd be finding other things to do if I were you, OP.

rainbowstardrops · 22/07/2017 23:38

What an absolute arsehole. No excuse for that deception whatsoever.

GnomeDePlume · 22/07/2017 23:43

Is it possible that he has got himself caught in the snowball effect of a lie? At the start it may have seemed like a small lie but gradually he had to add more and more lies to protect the first lie. In his head he is only really guilty of the first lie. All the others were forced on him by circumstances out of his control.

If this does turn out to have been his thought process then the fact is that he is a very weak and selfish man.

FeralBeryl · 22/07/2017 23:47

Sad he really has treated you appallingly hasn't he.
You're literally Cinderfuckingrella!
If DH told me he didn't want me there I would be so hurt I would have cried too.

I would certainly be absent on his return - go and do something lovely with DD, then when you come back, make some time for a lengthy, serious conversation.

Even if he is struggling with an issue, he does not get the right to treat you this way.
Have you reflected on his behaviour over the last few months? Any changes? How is he with DD? Flowers

Velvian · 22/07/2017 23:49

YANBU, op. That is really shit. My dh used to do similar with his mates, go for a 'lads only' weekend & then i'd get wind that a partner/s had been there. Most of it was engineered by 1 particular friend, who always insisted on strict gender segregation & then always showed up with his gf (i think this was so his mates could appreciate her beauty & accommodating nature away from the censure of their dws)

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/07/2017 00:03

When I said 'an affair' I didn't mean I thought he was off seeing someone this weekend, just that it was one reason he might want some time alone/lads time to decide what to do about it all. Same with any other issue he might be having.

For people saying he just wanted some lads time, that's not the issue. AVY was totally fine with that, it was when he LIED about picking his mates GF up on the way & them having invited (& expected) her too. It's not a 'lads weekend' when your taking your mates girlfriend with you & lying to your wife about it.

AVY if it was me I wouldn't go away because I wouldn't enjoy it while I was so angry & upset. I'd want to have it out with him. If he 'didn't get it' before he got home, he bloody well would when I'd finished tearing strips off of him.

Charley50 · 23/07/2017 00:07

It'll be ok OP. He messed up, but as you , it's out of character. Sounds like the two of you communicate well enough to sort it out.
He owes you a big double birthday present or trip away though!

19lottie82 · 23/07/2017 00:09

Maybe he just wanted to do something without you, what's the big deal. If the situation was reversed your DH would have been clingy.

echt · 23/07/2017 00:18

If the situation was reversed your DH would have been clingy...er the OP's DH concealed the arrangement for two weeks. So a big deal.

timeisnotaline · 23/07/2017 00:21

I'd be very pissed off and pretty childish about this tbh. If the apology isn't genuine and very soon I'd spend a week making daily comments about 'any invitations for me that you've decided not to pass on?' and say ' I'm going to x .., or maybe that's a lie! So hard to tell isn't it!'

cowbag1 · 23/07/2017 00:44

But I really don't understand why him deciding to be petulant involved not inviting you? Surely if he wanted to be childish and make a point, he would have not gone at all after he found out the gf was invited? All he's done is make things more unpleasant for himself, if things are truly OK between you (and so you would assume he would want you there in a couples situation)?

I'm sorry but if this was my DH I wouldn't believe him, his excuse just doesn't make sense.

But he's been a knob either way.

CrabPots · 23/07/2017 00:52

Ugh he has been a twat.

sparklefarts · 23/07/2017 07:04

Oh op, what an arse he is. I would definitely be going away with DD x

BillBrysonsBeard · 23/07/2017 07:18

Yes what an arse! It sounds like he was waiting that two weeks for her to cancel as she knew you were not coming, then he could still get his boys weekend. Inviting you would guarantee that not happening.. Once it was confirmed she was still going yesterday though he should have invited you. He is being really petulant about the whole thing. And two months is not a long time to not see a mate! And yes he would have had more time with him if you were there. Weird weird weird.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/07/2017 08:07

Well do you have any friends who could up sticks and go away somewhere today for a couple of nights? Or your mum?

If it were me, I would either find a last minute vacancy in a cottage or get a tent and go away, probs not even too far away but away to do something fun with your dd.

Don't answer your phone to him for a couple of days - let him come home to an empty house with no wife and no dd and see how he likes it.

ClopySow · 23/07/2017 08:10

My ex used to do things like this. Note that he is now an ex. It is incredibly hurtful to be deliberately excluded by your partner and a sign that something is very wrong.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 23/07/2017 08:22

De lurking to say something doesn't sit right about what he said. If he was hoping for a boys weekend then surely he would have had to tell his friend you weren't coming in order to hope that the gf would also cancel. But he didn't do that, he kept quiet so he knew he would be going just him with the two of them? Really weird, deceitful and offensive. I would be on my own trip when he gets home OP!

FabulouslyGlamorousFerret · 23/07/2017 08:25

How old is dd? I think he wanted some time away from parental responsibilities. I hope it all turns out ok op

RolfNotRudolf · 23/07/2017 08:50

Does he have very fixed ways of thinking OP? So friend invites him to what he believes to be a boys" weekend, it's in his head that it's a boys" weekend and that therefore his wife isn't coming, so even when plans change (friend tells him its partners too) and he is annoyed that there is going to be a female there, it doesn't occur to him to change his own thinking and invite you too?

How is he with responding to your grief - empathetic?

He sounds very self-obsessed.

LindyHemming · 23/07/2017 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnomeDePlume · 23/07/2017 08:58

Don't go away to get him back. All that will do is give him time and an excuse to justify his actions.

When he gets back he is going to have to face the fact that the people who mean the most to him all think that he has been an parse. Don't give him the chance to turn this on to anyone else including you.

GnomeDePlume · 23/07/2017 09:00

Sorry, arse not parse!