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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DH should have invited me?

439 replies

AVY1 · 22/07/2017 19:13

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 23/07/2017 16:36

I wouldn't worry too much about being non confrontational. Whilst it is usually best to adopt another approach there are some situations where confrontation is unavoidable.

It doesn't need to be angry or loud, but simply a way of enabling the best resolution. You are more than entitled to be angry, as well as sad and you shouldn't be afraid of letting him see that, even if it is a different way of doing things for you both. You've said yourself this is a different, indeed unique situation.

hatsoncats · 23/07/2017 16:52

He has lied to you, and to his friends.
He has excluded you and planned to lie again to cover his tracks.
He is blaming YOU for putting him under pressure due to renovations and losing his summer due to that job YOU'VE taken on.

He wanted his own way, and he got it through lies and deceit.

And now YOU are worrying about HIM? You are sorry for HIM?

He has had hours to come up with this pathetic story.
I would not believe one word that comes from his mouth.

Separate your finances, protect your savings, because you're going to need them.
There is far more going on here than appears. Don't get taken for a ride.

caffeinestream · 23/07/2017 16:58

Please don't let him jack in his job and live off your savings!

If he's unhappy, then he needs to look for another job - he's a grown man with a child, he has responsibilities, he can't just quit and let you work full-time without some kind of back-up plan. It's obvious you're not financially well-off enough to let him do so, either.

Don't let him spend your safety net.

strawberrisc · 23/07/2017 18:49

Good Lord. Not that I ever need it reinforcing but at least three threads I've read on here this weekend remind me why I actively choose to be single (not alone) for the rest of my life.

user1495656648 · 23/07/2017 19:26

he is 100% having an affair. No matter how amazing YOU think your relationship is, hes got feelings for this woman and doesnt want you around incase you sense it. Id trust your gut instinct on this one and the fact you find the situation wierd (which it is) tells you all you need to know.

Eslteacher06 · 23/07/2017 19:29

Any update OP? Hope you're ok!!

WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 23/07/2017 19:36

User... why does it always have to be an affair?

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2017 19:37

User1495blah OP's gut instinct on this is that he is NOT having an affair Confused

Hope you're all right OP and get it sorted. You need absolute trust in each other and he has damaged that - if he's desperately struggling with his job & mental health then it needs addressing.

FlowersWinefor you.

kastiekastie · 23/07/2017 20:30

I'd arrange a girly lunch with the other girlfriend and wait til she asked me why I didn't go. And sorry, but if she couldn't meet me, or didn't ask me anything about why I didn't go, then I would find it all a bit suspect. (Then I'd probably feel a right prat later when I realised they'd all been arranging a surprise party for me or something! )

MargotLovedTom1 · 23/07/2017 20:32

But the other woman lives miles away, so it's hardly convenient to arrange a 'girly lunch' Hmm.

MargotLovedTom1 · 23/07/2017 20:33

And she had already been in touch with OP right at the start asking why she wasn't there.

FilledSoda · 23/07/2017 20:55

His reason made no sense at all

BubblestarUK · 23/07/2017 20:56

Hope you are coming back with a "was a storm in a teacup" follow up OP

MoreMusicPlease · 23/07/2017 21:02

His behaviour sounds to me like he's depressed. He's turned a disappointment into a lie that's snowballed and let you down massively.
As upsetting as it is that he's said he doesn't want to spend time with you, it may be because he feels like he's letting you down and he needs a break from feeling that. It's very selfish, but depression can make you selfish. And men are reknowned for not discussing this shit.
ObviouslyI could be wrong, and it doesn't make it ok to lie, and definitely not ok to make you feel so terrible, but if that is the case he needs some support. Possibly in the form of tough love and telling him to get his arse to the doctors.

Smudge100 · 23/07/2017 21:20

Be highly suspicious. Something going on there, whether it's just in his mind and she's not interested, he us starting to stray.

PenguinOfDoom · 23/07/2017 21:28

It's been made very clear by the OP that this is not a potential affair situation, her DP was not meeting an OW and the friend's GF is not up to something with the OP's DH.

If people have actually read the thread properly, this would be clear. So rather than trying to shit stir and/or project your own issues by making out that there is a secret OW, perhaps get a fucking grip and RTFT?

Frillyhorseyknickers · 23/07/2017 21:39

Is he back OP? Hope you're ok, cheers to the end of a shitty weekend, at least the weather has been miserable to match.

PourMeAGlassOfMilk · 23/07/2017 21:48

Are you ok OP? Is he back yet?

caringcarer · 23/07/2017 22:09

Could he be just selfish and hate DIY and wanting you to finish it all while he has fun? So when he comes back it will all be done whereas if you went too it would not be? I would think seriously how much you mean to him if he would rather holiday with another couple and leave you at home alone.

Justhadmyhaircut · 23/07/2017 22:11

So to put it simply
He's just not that into you. .

Foxysoxy01 · 23/07/2017 22:18

This is all super weird!

The excuse by your DH is odd, the friends leaving him and going out for dinner when he had traveled to see them is odd, the GF texting you is ok but the content seems planned and odd, the friend calling you is odd and your DH not speaking to you at all is odd.

I hope you have some answers from him now OP but I can't help thinking there are some massive secrets bubbling under the surface.

ClopySow · 23/07/2017 22:30

Jesus. Why does everyone go so jessica fletcher about this kind of thing?

timeisnotaline · 23/07/2017 22:31

Rtft. Not an affair. The friends sound great!!

PurpleDragon76 · 23/07/2017 22:37

It sounds to me like he may be depressed. He has acted totally out of character and like he wants to switch off from responsibility and is just thinking of himself. Not in a conceited, cocky sense. I think you sound lovely, supporting the option of him resigning. Might be nice for him to spend time with your DD over the Summer to, and he would have lots of time to perfect his DIY Wink

Wdigin2this · 23/07/2017 22:44

The question that would be worrying me is....why did not want you to go?