To think that DH should have invited me?

[AVY1]

This is such a weird thing to be asking isn't it?!

DH went to visit a friend this weekend so they could go to a National Park. I've just found out that the friends partner travelled down with DH. At no point in the past two weeks has he mentioned that she was going or ask me to come too.

I've got no problem with him doing things on his own but these are both of our friends and it's just so weird.

All he's said is he thought my work would be awkward and he didn't know where DD would go. But that doesn't make sense because DD is with his parents this weekend (and she could have come with us anyway) and I'm literally at home, not working, doing DIY. (That he was supposed to have done two days ago so that I could paint today)

He's definitely with the friend as have seen pics. And also I know there isn't an affair going on. So I've been deliberately excluded. In the same text where I asked why he hadn't asked me to come he also said he didn't want to deal with this right now. Which suggests he knows he's been a shit, realised the girlfriend had sent me pics, knew what I'd be upset and has just rattled off the excuse he'd sold himself over such a bizarre lie by omission.

AIBU?

(Also , it's somewhere I'd asked if we could go to over the summer as I've always wanted to!)

He is a massive CUNT !

He hasn't even had the courage to ring or text you back op ? You deserve so much better . How disgraceful to not even text asking how dd is and a short message to say we will talk when I'm home ? He must have no concious at all . If that were me I'd be ringing , apologising and texting none stop to make sure you were ok and let u know I'd fucked up and was sorry . Some people really don't give a shit though about others .

Have a lovely day shopping and treat yourself to something nice and EXPENSIVE from the joint account

Also, what was he thinking about how the weekend would go, joining the couple who hadn't seen each other for three weeks, as a solo person?This isn't 'wanting time on his own', as he was with the couple, (and knew he would be).

Sorry to be blunt, but he wanted time with them, but without you.

Honestly you're being far too easy going and he's taking advantage because he knows you'll take it.

It's nice that you're laid back, but if you're too horizontal you run the risk of being mistaken for a doormat.

The fact he's not contacted you is very strange indeed. The fact his friend has is even more so. I'm sorry but something is very wrong. I think op he wants time away from you, I don't know how to put that even remotely nicely. He is not on his own. I think you need to both have a talk when he gets back, a gentle calm one to see what's going on with him.

Scrambled

She's not being laid back. She's got no choice but to try and keep herself on an even keel until he gets back.

He's managed to turn this around to garner sympathy...very odd behaviour.

no, he is one of the most selfless people I have ever encountered. To not think about me is totally out of character. But whether the work etc stuff is true, I am not ok with the deceit. Not at all. I'm going to pose it as a 'put yourself in my shoes' scenario because I think that will be the only way I get any semblance of truth.

Also, I totally agree that this was about time away from me / the house. And actually I'd be, and always am, okay with that. I don't need to be stuck to his side and like I said before, I do have to timeout for my own sake sometimes too.

I do need honesty though. I can't change anything if he's not open with me.

I guess the friend ringing seems strange. We are all very close though as been through a lot together.

And any sympathy I do have about his work is, in my mind, entirely unrelated to the fact that my DH has been entirely awful this weekend and it is not my fault he has chosen to do this. It is all on him and for him to explain and apologise for.

I've not heard from him but he has 'liked' a three year old photo of us on my Instagram. Apparently I'm currently married to a 15 year old.

But it did make me laugh that he thought it was 2002 and that was how best to approach things this morning.

Idiot!

Thanks Utter - you completely get it. It's the lie, by omission of otherwise, that was totally uncalled for and not in the usual spirit of our partnership at all.

I wouldn't talk to him until he's done a few hours solid work on the renovations. Seems fair. And you should think twice about using your savings to cover his quitting after this deliberate lying to you. Don't get distracted when talking by his 'I actually missed you while hiking so I regret it' because partners have to be decent human beings no matter how they are feeling. I might want a weekend on my own but I'd rather my dh came than that I lied to him about it.

Very clever. Behave badly yet make you feel sorry for him.

AVY1 what a confusing and difficult weekend you have had. You clearly have some very good friends and you have handled the situation with dignity.

Your husband has clearly not handled the situation well. You describe his behaviour as completely out of character. I think he sounds very confused and possibly depressed. In your situation I would text him and say I'm worried about you, I'm not cross and we can talk about how you're feeling when you get home. Clearly there needs to be a conversation at some point about how he has not been honest and open and treated you with respect. However, I would then tell him I was worried about him and no matter what's going on that you are a team and he can talk to you. I'd ask questions about what he's thinking, how he's feeling, how long he has been feeling like that and what could help. The fact he hasn't even asked about your child is concerning. That indicates that maybe it isn't a problem with your relationship but within himself.

Of course partners must be open and honest and treat each other with respect but throwing the book at someone before trying to understand what's going on isn't helpful. That's not what I think you are doing at all op - so don't feel soft or foolish for ascertaining what's happening in his mind. If he's just being selfish you will know but I think he sounds very confused more than anything. Maybe he thought he could run away from problems and realised they followed him.

I have rubbish wifi on holiday and missed some posts without realising when I posted. I too would be so hurt and distraught and the lie and secrecy.

I hope he comes having realised just how big and damaging his deceit has been.

Im not sure if anyone has already mentioned this as I've skimmed the whole thread but could your dh be slightly jealous of you? I know this probably sounds daft to other posters but bare with me.
When I was first with exh he'd leave me sat there on my own at functions with people I didn't know and he'd waltz off and never introduce me. It infuriated me but as I'm a really friendly person I'd end up chatting away and having a laugh with everyone. I can manage to make conversation with just about anyone and exh soon realised this. That's when he'd either try and leave me out, (people would ask where I was) or sit by me all night. I dont think he liked the attention I got. Anyway, after we split several people said they'd always felt he was jealous of me. I scoffed at this at first but then realised that maybe he was. I seemed to be able to engage with people more than him and he didn't like it. I think he was worried that people would like me more than him. Sad really but that's his insecurity.

I've not heard from him but he has 'liked' a three year old photo of us on my Instagram. Apparently I'm currently married to a 15 year old.

For that alone you should LTB

You seem so lovely OP. I would be absolutely nuclear in your position. His behaviour is so odd. Did he purposefully want a weekend playing the gooseberry? It's hard to know what the thinking behind it was, his excuses are pretty flimsy.

I agree with a pp, don't use your savings to facilitate him leaving his job. He hasn't proven himself trustworthy this weekend and you might need them for you and your DD in the future. Good luck.

OP, I think you may be me life really is too short eh?
That said, and I know you know this because I'm very good at telling people what to do but not actually doing it myself don't be sucked into sympathy for him. He lied, avoided your calls/texts (when you were trying to be a grown up and sort it out) left you with a whole pile of diy to do, and has generally behaved very poorly.
I'd be making it crystal clear that if he EVER behaves this way again he'll be out the door.
And, while things are precarious, don't obliterate your savings. I'm all for supporting your partner, but if things did go south could you afford to write them off? I suspect not, so don't make life too easy for him - he's not made life easy for you this weekend - physically or emotionally.

I think the LTB/massive cunt type comments are a bit extreme...but I'm with TheBus and viking...you can offer moral and emotional support as he plans to change his working circumstances but don't use your savings. Don't be the financial saviour of someone behaving in this unpredictable and flakey way. Consider it character building -he wants to leave work, fine, but he can plan and prepare for the change, while you maintain a solid financial foundation.

AVY as much as your DH has never been like this in the past, please judge future decisions and events by this weekend, not only by how he has behaved but also how it's made you feel.
And please save your money, in case of an unpredictable future x

As an outsider I obviously see things differently to you. The more I think about it the more there are inconsistencies.

He is good friends with them too, he had to have known they would text/call you or mention it at some point. So, what if he is deliberately misleading the male friend as a way to manipulate you? He really wants out of his job, so talk to you, make a plan. Now you feel sorry for him.

He wanted time alone and it was "better for [you]" for him to not tell you the plan had changed? No, it was better for him. He didn't want you there. He essentially answered your phone, took the message and decided he wouldn't give you the message. He decided that his time away was more important that being honest. He could have told you the plan had changed and GF was going too so did you want to go so you and X could have some bloke time... or something.

He could have been honest with the friend too, and told him that he was really hoping for some bloke time.

I think he's lied to the friend. I don't think this is about work and if it IS then it's still shitty to lie to you. I wouldn't let him quit. I'd tell him to work out how much he needs to save and work towards an end. Other things could come up and using your savings puts you BOTH (but mostly you) in a risky position.

Didn't you speak to him last night OP?

If it was me, he'd have done some serious damage to our relationship this weekend.

I have no problem with lads weekends, or an evening down the pub with a friend etc. None. I'd have every problem with the deceit & nasty feeling he's given you of not wanting you there. Of YOU being the problem. It's a subtle difference, but it's there.

You could have had a lovely weekend, with very good friends, hiking in a place you said you wanted to go & just relaxing & spending time together, not renovating or being led by DD's needs, before your busy summer starts. I'd be worried & upset that that wasn't something he wanted.

It would make me feel that our relationship wasn't the solid thing I thought it was.

I think you would be very silly to 'allow' him to hand in his notice until he gets another job. I think you should put your savings somewhere solid & safe - just in case you need them.

There's more to this than you're currently being told.

(your friends sound lovely 💐)

Wasn't it weird of your friends to leave him alone last night when he'd made the trip to see them? Even if they didn't approve of his actions that's a bit mean to go out without him. I don't think I could do that.

Gucci belt, the friends had not seen each other for three weeks, they probably planned to go out for a meal as couples' time, but since OP's husband was there on his own, it was probably awkward. I bet the friends mentioned the restaurant and OP's DH offered to stay, which they accepted. OP's DH seemed to be either remorseful or with his head in his own arse, so either way probably preferred the martyr option of staying alone and feel miserable than to join and have a nice time out when he knew his plans had been trumped and (also) that he really should have invited OP, as by then he'd have been questioned about it by the friends. I bet that they decided to do that out of mutual understanding that the situation was very awkward.

Support him on finding a new job by helping with applications and doing mock interviews. If his industry is not too complicated, he should be able to find something within a couple of months, plus notice period. Can he really not suck it up for 8 weeks whilst submitting applications and going to interviews? Once he accepts another job, the notice period is easier to work. It's a risk to quit a job without another one lined up. DH was in that position twice. The first time he quit the job and looked for something else. At the time he had his own savings and no financial responsibilities other than his part of rent/ bills, so as long as he could paid those, it wasn't an issue. The second time we had a mortgage and kids, so we discussed and decided that he couldn't really take that risk. He found a new job within two months, I helped with the CV, ensured I was at home early to pick up kids so he could go to interviews, got his dinner ready for later when he had a late interview, etc... But he couldn't use the savings as it would have put us at risk. I think the same applies to you. Say that with Brexit, it's better to have that money safe in case one of you lose your job out of changes in the market, but that you'll help him with anything else.
What it would hurt me the most is the fact that he let himself got to that state without confiding in me. If one's partner is not there to listen and offer emotional support, what for? Why did he not confide in you? Are you sure this is not his way to try to leave unscathered from this situation? He had a good few hours to reflect on how to solve it and what excuse to give. He might be not happy at work, but might have brought it to disproportionate levels just to excuse himself now.

I think I'd very aware that he can and does lie and that once trust is threatened by lies it creates suspicion.

You say he's the king of good intentions. Is he that do you think, or is it that he just can't be bothered?

I wonder if his intention was to not do what he was supposed to this week, then swan off this weekend knowing that you would have a nice child free weekend to get it finished without any effort from him.

I would agree with all the others who have asked you not to risk your savings. If he wants leave work he can make plans and save the money to carry the family over the time he's likely to be unemployed.

I hope you can get it sorted out