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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt that DP is going on a couples holiday without me because I can't afford it?

999 replies

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 18:23

Been together 5.5 years now. Lived together for 3.5 of those. Relationship really good in all areas (That is the truth, honest) and we are very happy the majority of the time.

So as not to drip feed, DP is a high earner, takes home a v good wage, earns 3 x my salary and (for some reason) has disclosed to me that he has £80,000 in savings sitting in the bank. (I knew he had a fair amount of savings, but not that much)

Anyway, each year our group of 4 couples tend to holiday together. (They are all high earners really) I've never not been able to afford it before and so we have always gone.

There was a message from the 'organiser' of our group on the group whatsapp chat a few weeks ago, wanting to book a pretty expensive holiday together in February. Everyone agreed, I looked at it and just know I'm not going to be able to afford it. I'm really struggling with money at the moment and have a lot to pay out for on the next few months, then we'll have Christmas etc.

I hadn't had a chance to speak to DP properly about it but did say, out loud when the text came through that I wouldn't be able to afford to go. He didn't say anything.

He's just informed me that they're 'booking the holiday next week' and he'll be going without me seeing as I can't afford it.

AIBU to feel hurt? I feel like after 5.5 years we should be a partnership and I know 100% that if I had £80,000 in the bank in savings, I would pay for my partner to go on a £1,200 holiday, even if they paid me back in instalments (which I wouldn't want)

I just feel embarrassed as everyone else is going and I know that's life and you can't expect to be able to do everything, but if it was the other way around, I'd just sit this one out of pay for him to go if I could afford it, rather than spend a week away with 3 other loved up couples on my own.

I know this is going to come across as grabby and I promise I'm not, I pay my equal share for all household expenses and bills. For me it's just about kindness

OP posts:

Jedimum1 · 22/07/2017 19:56

You need to clarify how finances will work in hand future, if you plan to marry and have children. If not , you still need to clarify percentages in relation to income. Not fair that you pay 50/50. What if you were suddenly unemployed? Would you still have to stick to that?

Crispbutty · 22/07/2017 19:57

Wow. He's a selfish twat. I would not want to be with him.

Donttouchthethings · 22/07/2017 19:57

You don't sound grabby to me at all.

I'm sorry, OP. I really don't like the sound of this. He sounds really tight, selfish and unreasonable.

Of particular concern to me is that he's just told you he's going, without any proper discussion or agreement. I don't think this is on at all, not after 5.5 years.

Assuming he's not about to pull a surprise ticket out the bag... I think it would be wise to have a good think about where this is going.

Is he going to have a good time without you? (My partner wouldn't.)
What happens next time there's an expensive do on? (Chances are there will be more.)
Are you destined to a life sitting at home on your own whilst he cruises around the world without you?
What would happen financially if you gave up work to raise his kids?
What happens when you disagree on other things? Is it always the case that he just does what he wants, regardless?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 22/07/2017 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for troll hunting. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fitzsimmons · 22/07/2017 19:57

Please don't have children with this man. He doesn't care about you.

PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2017 19:57

Where is the op?

eddielizzard · 22/07/2017 19:58

i'm alright jack

he doesn't have your back does he? i bloody well hope that he's going to surprise you and that this will all be fine. otherwise i'd be thinking about the future of your relationship. when you have kids you'll be vulnerable. and he'll be just the way he's always been.

Percephone · 22/07/2017 20:00

I don't think OP is coming back.

Original poster

LeafyCulprit · 22/07/2017 20:00

Sorry, I've just been trying to get through all of the replies.

Okay, so I live in his house that he owns. He has a v small mortgage (of which I don't pay anything towards, I have offered but he has said no) He bought the house 9 years ago with some inheritance that he received from his Gran (not enough to buy it outright, but enough to leave him with a small, very manageable mortgage) it was a bit of a wreck and he got it fairly cheap, his dad and him then spent 2 years doing it up.

I pay for the Sky, the internet, half of all the other bills, buy all of the food and pay for a weekly cleaner and daily dog walker Mon-Fri.

He pays half the bills that we split and the mortgage.

Honestly, I was shocked when he said he was going. I said 'So you're going without me? Charming' he said 'Well you've said yourself you don't have the money and you know I really love diving' (This is probably going to out me but I don't think I care anymore. All of the group are quite keen divers, me...not so much, though I have done it and do do it occasionally) I said 'I just think it's a bit shitty that you're willing to go without me, you could afford to lend me the money if you wanted to.' To which he replied 'You still owe me £150 from last years holiday, I'm not falling for that' (He paid for last years holiday when booking and I put half the money in his account within seconds of him booking it) I honestly don't think I owe him £150, I'm sure I paid him all of it on the night we booked it.

I just looked at him and said 'WTF?' Luckily I'm out with friends this evening (not at all associated with our couple friends) I've had a bitch to one over whatsapp before I see her and she is gobsmacked.

We saw our group couple friends last weekend and the organiser mentioned it then, I said out loud to the whole group 'Sorry guys I'll have to sit this one out, I can afford it' and they all went 'oh no, come on, try and find the money if you can etc' Thinking about it, DP sat there pretty silent then but I didn't think anything of it as I didn't know at that point that he was thinking of going without me.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 22/07/2017 20:01

Why on earth are you still with him?!

paxillin · 22/07/2017 20:04

Well, get out then. Move when he's diving. His friends will think him an arse, too.

wotabastard · 22/07/2017 20:04

How does the sky, internet, cleaner and all the food add up to his very small mortgage payment?

Chathamhouserules · 22/07/2017 20:05

Fuck that! This doesn't bode well at all. I'd probably end it otherwise you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of this

JaneEyre70 · 22/07/2017 20:06

Oh OP, that sounds absolutely horrid of him and it sounds like you're contributing more than your half. He sounds an absolute arsehole. That's really horrid behaviour.

viques · 22/07/2017 20:06

"You still owe me £150"

Well, now you know exactly what he thinks of you. Take the dog and go.

bandito · 22/07/2017 20:07

He does not want you to contribute to the mortgage because he is afraid that you may then have a claim on the house when you separate. I'm afraid he doesn't see you as a long term prospect, sorry. The fact that he is quibbling over £150 from a year ago means that he essentially thinks he's superior to you in terms of earning power, perhaps in other ways too. If you're after a landlord that will have sex with you, he sounds OK but this is not a relationship. Is he much older than you? Does he tell you that he's been hurt in the past by freeloading women? This is the usual story.

Fruitcorner123 · 22/07/2017 20:08

He sounds dreadful op and it sounds like he has held a grudge over the £150 for a whole year without even mentioning it! It sounds like he doesn't feel guilty or like he ought to pay so i guess you have to decide how comfortable you are with a man who views things like this.

I obviously don't know the size of the mortgage versus sky, internet, food, dog walker and cleaner but if it's a small mortgage i would guess they're not dissimilar amounts so he is basically having you pay 50% but making you feel grateful for not paying the mortgage.

Not a keeper IMO I would honestly get out now while it's easier, no kids or joint mortgage etc.

LouHotel · 22/07/2017 20:09

So basically you pay half of the costs of living but because he's paying the mortgage in his half if you split up you have no rights to the property?.....think about that.

Stay at a friends house tonight.

AlternativeTentacle · 22/07/2017 20:09

Cancel the sky and internet before you leave. What a knob.

GourmetGold · 22/07/2017 20:10

You poor thing OP . Your partner is being so thoughtless, selfish and down right mean!!

The loving and right thing to do IMO would be for him to pay out of his enormous savings for you to go too.

So sorry, for me I would think less of my partner for acting like this.

Don't worry you absolutely do NOT sound grabby, but he DOES!!

If it were me I'd be booking an affordable trip somewhere lovely for myself, where I'd have a fab time without Mr Selfish!

timis · 22/07/2017 20:10

Do you think he loves you OP?

abbey44 · 22/07/2017 20:10

So in addition to paying half the bills, you also pay ALL of the food, the cleaner, the dog-walker, Sky and the internet.... And earn a third of what he does? I know you say he pays his mortgage, but that's not really a very fair split for partners, as far as I can see. You sound more like a lodger, to be honest.

Meanness is such a horrible quality in a person - it's not just to do with money, though that's usually the most obvious. It permeates everything that person does and being in a relationship with a mean person is utterly demoralising.

Judge him by his actions and get out while you can. Find someone who will love and value you properly.

thefourgp · 22/07/2017 20:11

It sounds like you're his mrs right now instead of his mrs right. He doesn't want you contributing to the mortgage so the home is completely his if you break up. I don't think he has you in his long term plans. Sorry Op. xx

Moanyoldcow · 22/07/2017 20:11

Why do you buy all the fucking food and pay the dog walker?

Why are you paying MORE than him and he earns more?

Leave. It will get worse.

5BlueHydrangea · 22/07/2017 20:12

Sounds like a completely unfair monetary split each month. Are there any good points to this incredibly selfish man??

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